A few months back some one asked who posted the most worthwhile topics to the UCB. Well my friends I have to say if it’s not Scotty B then he is definitely in the top three. Up until his recent suggestion today in my slump of eternal non-motivation nothing really got my fingers in gear on the keyboard. Luckily Bees came through with a topic might I add that was so great it got me off my ass this very minute. He asked plain and simply “What is your favorite choice of weapon that is not actually a weapon at all”.
I have a few favorites that I would turn to when in a situation where nothing else would do. Here goes:
The Proverbial Prison Shank
This is the one weapon everyone should know how to make and use. Face it, no matter how good of a person one is, he never knows when he may find himself incarcerated. I once saw this Tom Selleck Movie call An Innocent Man (this was back when I was hooked on late night network television movies. All I can say is they run some pretty strange ass shit on television at 2am, not to mention the amount of commercial breaks is obscene. Late night television is definitely a whole other blog all together.). In the film Selleck is minding his own business when these two crooked cops show up at his house instead of the one next door to make a drug bust. Selleck comes out of the bathroom with a hair dryer. The cops mistakenly take it for a gun and shoot him.
To cover their ass the cops frame Selleck and he goes to prison for five years. Basically to survive not getting raped in jail he as to shank the biggest meanest black guy there. After getting released from prison he goes and gets revenge on the cops. It’s got all my favorite elements in a film, revenge, prison and of course Tom Selleck and his bad ass mustache. I highly recommend checking the movie out.
After seeing that movie I decided that would for sure be my prison anal violation survival plan, shank the biggest gnarliest black guy there. Now in the film Selleck makes his out of a piece of plastic he sharpened while on laundry detail. As for me I think I will lean towards sharpening my toothbrush. Remember the key is to break the end off so that there are no fingerprints tracing you back to the murder. There is nothing worse then having to do another twenty to life, when you should be rewarded for sending a scum of the earth like that into the ground. Hey, what do I know? For one thing I just told you how to not get raped in prison.
2×4 with Rusty Nails Sticking Out the End
Have you ever been hit by a 2×4? I have and it fucking hurts. Not only is it a contact weapon, but a 2×4 has a little give and flexibility in it thus creating a whip like thrashing. Add in some rusty nails at the tip and you have a make shift home made mace that will not only slice up your antagonist, but possibly cause them to contract tetanus. That’s no laughing matter. Tetanus sucks, once contracted the victim gets lock jaw, swallows his tongue and dies a pretty miserable death. At the very least he will have to get a tetanus shot and those little fuckers hurt like hell. Do they really have to inject it right into your bicep? Last time I got one it hurt for days. Last word on the 2×4, if it happens to break in half on your opponent you can use the remaining piece as a stake, which may come in handy if the opposition turns out to be vampire.
Tire Iron
A tire iron is the ultimate weapon when you need something on the fly. First off if you drive a car then you’re almost always bound to have one available. Second they are heavy as fuck, adjustable in size, can be used as both a stabbing and bashing device and in most cases can be accurately thrown as well. In my case cause of the amount of moisture in my trunk thanks to my surfing problem my tire iron is rusty as well and I do believe you just read in the previous item the advantage to rust besides being used to coax Salad Fingers into a lock box. Final thought on this one. Its pretty bad ass to say you beat someone with a tire iron.
Baseball Bat, Golf Club, Bike Chain with Lock
I lumped these three together because in my opinion they are all pretty standard go to weapons in people’s homes that are picked up when self defense is a necessity. Baseball bats are great weapons. Metal or graphite do tons of serious damage when wielded correctly and a wood bat if broken over your adversary once again becomes a stake, which also by the way is a great stabbing device. A golf club is pretty self explanatory, I mean the word “club” is in the name. My sister hit me with a bike chain straight across the back once in the garage because I was making fun of her. I can tell you first hand it fucking hurt and left welts on my back for days.
Sock Full of Pennies
Finally we get to my favorite of the entire ghetto rigged weapons, the sock full of pennies. It’s the reason “everyone should have a reverse peep hole on their door” (where is that quote from? First person to get it right with the person who said it gets an extra UCB point, half point for either one). Think about this for a moment. You take a long tube sock and fill it a third of the way with pennies, knot it off at the top of the pennies and go town on your enemy swinging like a banshee. We are talking black eyes, broken bones, bashed in skull, the works. It’s easily concealed in your pocket. When all is said and done burn the sock and spend the pennies, no more evidence.
Ok, this is more of a bum shank then a prison shank.
She may look tough with her wrench, but give me a sock full of pennies and my rusted nail 2x4 and its on.
Surfing Ruined My Life 