Archive for the ‘User Choice BLog’ Category

I know I have been writing a lot about surfing lately.  What can I say at the moment I am, well always have been I guess perpetually stoked on it.  How else could surfing have ruined my life if I was not.  Surfing Ruined My Life and alcohol will most likely take my life in one way or another be it cirrhosis or drunken mayhem.  Sadly I probably will just end up dying a rather non poetic death chocking on a frozen bean and cheese burrito cause I was too lazy to cook a decent meal.  Then again I guess there is some irony in that now isn’t there?

What the fuck am I rambling about?  Why, a Power of Ten list of course, my favorite of the UCB.  Mauriello takes the last ten list of the quarter and the year.  As usual it is nothing but a collection of pure moronic fun.  Its about time I wrote some stupidity here.  I know I for one can always use a good laugh.

1) Alfie and His Similarities to MyselfAflie and I are two peas in a pod.  The poor cat is an almost 100% product of Lisanti Land.  Sure Sindia had a hand in raising him, but ultimately it was yours truly that took up the plight.  Alfie is a gnarly cat, borderline feral.  Like me he is very vocal and usually of the negative persuasion.  He can take a licking and keep on ticking.  That cat should have died so many times he used up all his nine lives and is on borrowed ones.  Maybe he steals them from other cats.  He is always up for a fight and rarely backs down, but will gracefully accept defeat.  He always has his claws out.  Most cats keep their claws in unless necessary to bare them.  Not Alf when he walks around on my wood floors all one can hear is the clacking of his claws.  He is small for a cat, yet makes up for it in persona.  I am pretty sure if he could talk he would spout tons of egotistical, narcissistic bull shit.  He has trouble getting along with other cats and is skittish around new people.  He likes to case out a situation before putting himself in it.  For all these reasons Alfie’s existence may help prove the nurture vs. nature argument.  One more thing Alfie and I both look amazing in the color black.

Now tell me those are not two good looking guys.  Note the similar look of aggravation on both our faces.

Now tell me those are not two good looking guys. Note the similar look of aggravation on both our faces.

2) How Does Everyone in California Not Work but still seam to live an extravagant lifestyle?: This is a great question and one I have not only given a great amount of thought too, but am also part of the illusion.  First off there is a lot of wealth in California to start with and a good portion of that money is new money owed to some type of career in the entertainment or arts industry.  These occupations pay the beneficiary a great sum of money for a short period of work.  They usually contain some type of royalty or dividend type system which allows one to make money from doing absolutely nothing.  Throw in a large concentration of trustafarians (people who live off trust funds or inherited money), spoiled rich kids living off mommy and daddy, rich foreigners and finally a host of college students also living off their parents dime or the governments’ and you have a large group of people who either do not need to work or work very little.  Finally you have the last collection of people, the majority, the crew I belong to: Lazy People.  In this sect most of us have some type of job that renders us as much money as we can possibly make, while working as little as possible with as little effort as possible.  We live with roommates, find all sorts of ways to make income on the side, work the best deals on everything we own and none of us ever have a penny to spare.  We have learned how to make a dollar out of fifteen cents and spend 100% of our income on frivolous entertainment and possessions.  Since we are so strong in numbers and all understand our cause this counter culture, unproductive life style is celebrated rather then shunned as it is in the north east.  Basically we enable each other and love it.

Enough Said.

3) “The Law of the Club and the Fang”This was a quote and philosophy written by Jack London in A Call to the Wild.  Basic Idea was that dog will yield to either the reign of blows of the club by a man or the bite of another dog.  Here in Lisanti Land I have adopted this philosophy with a passion.  When you think about it, this totally applies to our life.  Everyday you are either fighting or yielding to the club of your superior or doing the same to the fangs of your peers.  Basically it is the idea that life is not pampered and that you are either taking or being taken.  Its living tough.

Kooky and I demonstrating Law of the Club and Fang

Kooky and I demonstrating Law of the Club and Fang

4) Breakfast CerealCereal is an amazing entity.  I eat it just about every day and have since I was around 12.  Couple it with milk and you have quite the nutritious meal.   When I was a professional surfer and broke as all hell (I say this as if I am not still broke as hell) I ate cereal for just about every meal.  I would buy a gallon of milk at three bucks and the giant box of generic corn flakes for four dollars.  I usually got six meals out of that.  Six meals for around seven bucks.  Where are you going to find a deal like that?  Also it is one of the favorite foods of Jerry Seinfeld.

Check out around 1:40 for the applicable clip.

5) The Hobbit MoviesAll I can say is I want my fucking $12 back.  I had not been to a movie theater in nearly six years, SIX YEARS!  I decided to break this incredible streak a few weeks ago to see “The Hobbit” in 3D.  What a fucking sham that was. I had to sit there for three fucking hours wearing a pair of stupid glasses, which gave me a head ache all so that I could watch the occasional item popping out of the screen effect.  Going into this thing I had no idea there was going to be three movies.  I thought they would have summed the whole book up into one movie as they had done with the previous three.  Instead I guess they wanted to milk the shit for all it was worth.  They do not even get out of the Shire until the first hour or so.  The film was just too slow.  If I had not went to see it with my roommate who drove I would have walked out.  One thing I can say I did find the acting and cinematography to be well done.  The screen play adoption certainly did stay very true to the novel as well.  If I were you I would save my money and wait for it to come down to DVD or go find a boot leg.  Or better yet cut your losses completely and just go watch some midget porn.

This is better then any scene in the Hobbit. What do you think really goes on in them Hobbit Holes?

This is better then any scene in the Hobbit. What do you think really goes on in them Hobbit Holes?

What Would A Lisanti Offspring be Like What a question and a good reference to number 1 on this list.  Unfortunately I am not sure I want to be a breeder anymore.  I was dead set on children and a family not long ago, but these days I find myself rethinking the whole thing.  I really like my life as selfish as it is.  I am not sure if I would want to make the sacrifice children force one to make.  If I were to have kids gender regardless both would be very well educated.  Constant reading and writing a must.  I would encourage the study of both science and mathematics even if I lack in both those categories.  I would teach them domestic skills just as they were taught to me.  Of course they would surf and surf well.  I would not be one of those “surf parents”, but I mean I have skill so I would assume they would  as well.  I would instill strong values along the lines of kindness, understanding and patience.  Art and music appreciation a necessity.  My children would understand the finer things in life just as I do.  A male I would teach to grow up strong and self determined.  He would need to learn to be an alpha like myself.  A man needs to take what he wants no questions asked.  If a female I would teach her grace and courage.  I would want her to be self actualized.  She must learn to defend herself, above else manners, courtesy, modesty and integrity, for both sexes for that matter.  I must be honest I kind of don’t view men or woman any different outside of sexuality.  I think both should be prepared equally for the world around us.  The day of inequality between sexes has long since past.  It goes with out saying my offspring would be ridiculously good looking.

CircumcisionI don’t know how much I really have to say on this topic.  I am circumcised and am pretty happy with that situation.  From what I have been told it is more hygienic then not.  I have never met a woman who has been with a guy who was uncut so I don’t really know if there are any sexual advantages or disadvantages.  I am not a bird watcher so outside of pornography have never seen one in real life.

Do Fat Chicks Give Better HeadI can see all my female readers shaking there heads at this point.  On the whole it has been my experience that fat chicks are better at most everything in the bedroom.  Fact of the matter is they are just so appreciative that they are getting some action they are always willing to go that extra mile.  On the other hand take a stuck up hot bitch.  She thinks she is god’s gift to man and thus just lays there dead fish all night.  There are exceptions to every rule.   I must add that I am not a huge fan of fillacio either way.  I respect it as a fun form of foreplay but ultimately could care less about it.  From what I have been told it is the gay dudes and Jewish women who give the best head.  I have yet to experience either.

Life Guard or Coast GuardIn general with the exception of the North Shore of Oahu life guards I have little if any respect for such.  Where I come from they are lazy ass rich kids who wanted an easy job for the summer or teachers trying to make an extra buck for the summer.  They all think they are the shit and tell all these lame ass stories about guarding.  The rest of us roll our eyes and then make fun of them later.  As far as I am concerned they make enjoying the ocean too easy and are weakening the race by allowing the weak to survive.  Coast guard on the other hand is bad ass.  Those guys have all sorts of gnarly ass shit to take care of from drug smugglers, to human trafficking  to illegal immigration to crazy life threatening rescues.  Those boys have always gotten my utmost respect.

Who would win in a Fight, Kooky Kyle or an OstrichThis one is a tough one for me.  Kooky Kyle is pretty gnarly.  Then again so are Ostriches.  I think if its just one ostrich Kooky has odds.  That guy is fucking resourceful.  Some of the shit I have seen him do here in Lisanti Land and heard of abroad gives me plenty of faith that he will prevail.  At the end of mankind it will be just Kooky and the cock roaches.

Kooky taking out prehistoric birds and little kids in one fell swoop.

Kooky taking out prehistoric birds and little kids in one fell swoop.

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I know its been a while my friends.  I must confess I have been really busy doing absolutely nothing.  Sometimes that is what bogs me down the most.  My mind and emotions have sort of been rather scattered the last few weeks.  Between the destruction back home courtesy of Sandy (see “Speechless“), some interesting developments at work, my new plan to race the Iditarod, the worst fall season of surf after coming off the worst summer of surf we have seen here in the 805 in years and the usual bull shit I just have not been able to sit down and compose a formulated thought.

Believe me I have a bunch of half started blogs just waiting for me to sit down and finish them with the right frame of mind.  Kooky Kyle posted a great Power of Ten list that totally inspired me.  He gets the first 2 points of the Fall UCB quarter.

1)OTBOTB stands for “off track betting” and it is the lowest of the low of legal gambling.  Basically they are at their best little clubs where people can bet on any type of racing going on that day including dog races in some venues.  At their worst they are little holes in the wall with a bullet proof glass counter for taking bets.  The clientele of an OTB are basically a collection of really sorry folk who have a serious gambling problem.  That being said some of the best Seinfeld episodes had scenes at the OTB and there is a great Richard Dreyfus movie called “Let it Ride” based on the horse race gambler’s life style.

2)A Free Case of Wine Every WeekI fucking wish.  Right now I spend way, way, way too much money on wine, being that I drink about a case a week.  I am talking a California case of six, not a dozen and always have help.  It would have to be good wine too.  I would really be pissed off if I was delivered a case of Charles Swab, Rex Goliath, Yellow Tail or Bare foot every week.  Yeah I am a pretentious prick although I prefer wine snob.

Just an average week here in Lisanti Land.

3)What if Prince Showed up at My Door as a Jehovah’s Witness?:  For starters I love when Jehovah witnesses show up at my house.  They are always good for at least an hour’s worth of entertainment.  Usually my course of action is to get them so fed up with what a piece of human trash I am that it is pointless to help me find salvation.  Last time one of those poor bastards spent nearly two hours with me and I think he was ready to cry by the time he walked out the door. If Prince showed up I would just make him sing “Wanna Be Your Lover” after which I would sign up and join in on the quest of the Jehovah witnesses.  Cause if its good enough for Prince then its good enough for me.

4)Why are the sous chefs the ones on top of everything and the chefs are usually fuck ups?: The goal of an aspiring chef whether in culinary school or starting at the bottom as a prep cook or garde manager is to one day become an executive chef at which point one can relinquish the bulk of the responsibility of running the actual kitchen to some other poor sap looking to move up in the world.  This slave to the kitchen is better known as the sous chef.  He is there  in order for the executive chef to have the freedom to better harness his creativity over the actual menu and organization of the kitchen.  If I were to ever open up my restaurant after I got things up and running I would look to train a very competent sous chef willing to kill himself so I would not have to.  Instead I could focus more on the actual product coming out of my kitchen, how customers view the place and that sort of thing.  I think mainly Exec chefs just get lazy when there is a very competent sous in the kitchen.  In respect to the sous he would rather not have the exec chef breathing down his neck all night either.  Its a give and take.  Fact of the matter is in most cases those “incompetent” chefs as you like to call them have paid their dues and are just reaping the benefits of such.   A good manager is smart enough to hire people  he knows can do the job to his standards with out constant supervision.  If I have to keep my eye on the sous all night then what was the point of having him?

5)What Country Parties the Hardest?I don’t really know if I can be an authority on this although I have traveled extensively in my day.  I know every country I have been to I have partied pretty hard.   Then again I always seem to find a party in even the most unlikely of places.  Overall though I think the Aussies go pretty nuts.  Any time I am partying and someone is going absolutely bat shit crazy it’s usually is an Aussie.  Everyone has their moments though I am sure.  If Lisanti Land ever gets recognized by the the United Nations then I guess I would have to say it would be in contention.

6)Best Toast I Have Ever HeardIts rare I hear any toasts that are not the same tired bull shit that is expected to be said.  Here at the Lisanti Palace I give a toast at just about every meal that is shared  between myself and anyone who is bold enough to join me.  Theses toasts can go anywhere from heart warming, to a brutal stroke to my narcissism, to nothing more then the usual gibberish that comes out of my mouth.  Two weeks ago my buddy Tim’s girl friend brought these two annoying hipster fucks to one of my Wednesday dinner parties.  This is fine cause I always enjoy new people at these shindigs.  Something about the two of them just rubbed me the wrong way from the get go.  Some body joked about who should say grace.  Being the arrogant, obnoxious prick that I am I stood up and said “we don’t say graced in my house cause I take no direct affiliation to any god and if we are going to say grace maybe it should be said to me since I maybe a type of god”.  Then I raised my glass.  My normal guest laughed at my insanity as always, the new comers stared at me appalled and my French-Belgium roommate had a look of fear in his eyes that could only be “how did I end up here?”.  Talk about creating an awkward situation.   Lucky in my house there is always plenty of alcohol to brighten up any uncomfortable scenario.

7)Favorite Thanksgiving Food: Considering Thanksgiving just passed and now that I don’t spend it with my paternal family it has really come into its own for me as a holiday.  For me it would have to be lasagna, yeah that’s right lasagna.  In an Italian family it doesn’t matter what the occasion there has to always be some type of pasta course. On Thanksgiving for as long as I can remember there was always lasagna.  To this day I uphold this family tradition.

8) Favorite SRML AvatarWell I have to be honest my regular readers with the exception of Kiefer and myself it seems most of you just use the little monsters Word Press assigns to you.  I have to say Kiefer’s is pretty awesome.  Mine, well shit that a picture of Alfie all jacked up on an over dose of flea medication, pre-heroin days is classic

9) Is Parko Going to Win at PipeI don’t really know what to expect.  The ASP WCT has basically become as valid as professional wrestling where judging is concerned.  Historically we have seen Parko blow the title race more times then once at Pipe Line  then again he does surf the place rather well and has a pretty good track record for getting into the final rounds.  At this point the only guy who can stop him is Slater and I believe in order for that to happen Parko would need to go down before the quarters and Slater win the entire event.  Slater winning at Pipe is not out of the question. He seems more motivated this year in Hawaii then we have seen in a long time.   The reason why Parko is your current ratings leader is because he has been Mr. Consistent all season.  At this point my prediction is Slater will take Pipe but Parko will win the world title.  Like I said I have little faith in the ASP judges so your guess is as good as mine. Never discount the Champ, he comes out of a tube at around 1:34 in the video below that is absurd…

10) The Evolution of the Wild CatMy tenure at the Wild Cat started in March 2008.  Back then it was pretty much a full on gay bar on some nights or a gnarly Mexican gang hang out on others.  Consequently being a homophobic New Jersey guy I stayed away.  My friend Julie brought my boy Brennan and I in there for a crazy night of partying.  It was then that we realized the potential of the place for partying and picking up chicks alike.  By mid 2009 I was going there pretty exclusively with the occasional stop at Sharkeez, Sand Bar, James Joyce and O’Malley’s because Corey was in love with the bar tender there.  I met Adrienne there in the summer of 2009 and ironically as a result of her my time at the Kitty was decreased to one night a week about twice a month.  By 2011 when we broke up and I returned to the Cat I was nearly forgotten by most of the regulars and staff.  Sara still tended bar there and remembered all the money Corey and I used to blow.  Amber was still working as a waitress, the entire security staff was basically the same and Sharon a bar tender I greased up a ton back in the day had just began working there again.  The place had become my comfort zone and I pretty much found myself there most nights of the week.  These days I am very well taken care of and one can find me at the Wild Cat any time I step out downtown which is always Friday through Sunday with occasional odd days mixed in for good measure.  It’s my Cheers, just bit more gnarly.  At the moment I have some really tight friends I roll with who have become my own little rat pack so to speak.  In the end I would really like to see my relationship with the Wild Cat dissolve into almost never.  For now it fills a certain void in my life and I will leave it at that.

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I thought I might write something worthwhile tonight then I opened a nice bottle of Chianti and half a bottle later don’t feel like it.  Instead here is how the Summer Quarter of the UCB contest went down.  First off there was plenty of laziness on my part some laziness on your part, but hook or by crook some writing was done.  As I said in an earlier blog, there may have been less material but I for one thought what got written was of some better quality.  Here are your UCB Winners.

1st: John Mauriello – 3 points
2nd: Kooky Kyle – 2.5 points
3rd: Kiefer – 2 points

Now going into the winter quarter we have two wins for Kooky and one win for John.  Lets see where things end up this time.  Will Kooky be champion for his third straight year in a row or will John be able to unseat the champ????  You cant win if you don’t play.  Of course no one can win unless I get off my lazy ass and write.   If your completely lost I believe there is a little tab at the header of this page that says “UCB”. If you click on said tab it will fill you in on the stupidity that this is all about.

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Today marks the official end of summer on the modern Calendar and if those Mayan dudes are correct we are just a few months till the end of the world and thank fucking  god cause I don’t really have a back up plan for 2013 if the world does not end.   With the end of this summer also concludes the SUMMER OF ALF!!! I know it feels like it only just began and now it is over :(.  Was it a success or failure?  You will just have to wait for my Summer of Alf index report blog to find out, although if you read the surf log you might have been able to speculate the answer to that one.  If not check back at June, July, August and September and you can make your own assumption.  Then read “Of Things to Come” and really see how well I did accomplishing some of those summer goals and if your completely lost on what the Summer of Alf is read “I declare this the Summer of Alf” blog.  Then answer the fun poll below.  Hooray!!!

The 21st of September does not just end the summer of 2012 or THE SUMMER OF ALF, but also the summer quarter of the UCB.  I know what your thinking, what quarter you only wrote like 2 UCB’s.  Whatever, sorry folks I was too busy living in the moment of the SUMMER OF ALF and getting drunk at the Wild Cat and fornicating with loose women.  Yeah for sluts at the bar.  Nothing says good times like waking up in the morning next to a person you have no idea ever meeting or how she got to be in your home, let alone why she is naked next to you.  Ahhh single living,thank you Ades for all you have done for me.  I am sure I will look back on all this someday and laugh…NOT!

Before I close out the summer UCB quarter I thought why no conclude it with one more Power of Ten list.  Mauriello takes the cake on this one.  I must say there were some really hefty lists posted.  Choosing one was a realy mental fight.  Ultimately I let Alfie choose.   John you can thank him for your two points.

The cat of cats Alfie making this months Power of Ten winner selection.


1. Die AntwoordDie Antwoord is this ridiculous house music group from South Africa.  Mauriello is currently obsessed with them and after watching way way way too many of their videos on YouTube.com I too have been a bit corrupted.  Who are we kidding I was already fucked to begin with.  You can make the decision for yourself. “Old enough to breed, old enough to bleed, old enough crack a brick in your teeth”.  Oh the shit that is out there in this world and then we wonder why our society is slowly falling apart.  Then again people thought Shakespeare was obscene in his time.

2. Interacting With Normal PeopleI think by now if you have been reading for a bit or even if you just read the intro to this blog you have figured out that I am not like everyone else.  The word “normal” is very subjective kind of like when one tries to judge surfing.  To me normal means behavior that comes natural to oneself.  In my mind everything I do is normal.  Unfortunately according to the standards of society I am actually very abnormal.  So that brings us to the question at hand, how do I interact with normal people.  Mostly they are appalled by my actions, speech and behavior.  Some are awestruck, others deeply impressed and the a small group slightly to very confused.  Most of the time I am not serious about anything and am very sarcastic.  I make a suicide joke on here at least once a week.  I find the taboo very amusing and like to play with those parameters.  This makes your run of the mill everyday American very uncomfortable.  More then that I do whatever I want, whenever I want, where ever I want regardless of the consequences. I am brutally honest and not afraid to make a complete ass of myself, which usually is the outcome for me 90% of the time.  Normal people just don’t understand me and therefore put on an uncomfortable smile and occasional awkward giggle biding their time till they can politely, but promptly take their leave of me and never come back.  Those of you out there who have witnessed this know exactly what I am talking about.

3. Nicholas CageI really like Nicholas Cage.  As a matter of fact I cannot think of a movie he has been in that I have not liked.  Sure he only has three looks, creepy happy, creepy angry and creepy pathetic, but he uses them well.  “Leaving Las Vegas” is one of my all time favorite tragic romances, “The Wickerman” is a gnarly ass suspense that has you guessing till the last second.  “Lord of War”  and “The Weatherman” will have you laughing your ass off.  “Gone in 60’s Seconds” is action packed and “8mm” is just plain heavy.  Just to name a few.

Sort of looks like when I go grocery shopping.

4. The Implications of Granny PantiesThis is a very good topic and one I have some experience sadly with.  When the granny panties come out you can kiss your sex life with your girl friend goodbye along with it.  Basically what cotton full cover panties means is “I don’t care about turning you on anymore”.  With this always comes the sweat pants, “Im too tired” and ultimately her sleeping next to you in full on pajamas.  It means your girlfriend, wife or whatever does not give a shit about sex with you except for that two times a month when she is horny.  Its a very sad predicament my friends.  I am not saying ladies that you have to be in thongs all the time, but there are plenty of sexy options out there in pantie design that will still offer comfort but drive us wild.  Yes you may not be comfortable sleeping naked, but there are also plenty of sexy sleep options that are comfortable as well.  That XXL t-shirt does not do shit for me.  I know, how bout if I gain thirty pounds grow a beer belly and sit around on the couch all day in a pair of stained tighty whities and a wife beater.  Sounds grotesque doesn’t it.  That is exactly what we think of the granny panties.  Its only ok if your a granny and I am so old that not even an entire bottle of Viagra could get my dick up. Let the hate mail begin!

5. RoommatesAhh roommates, the necessity of the poor.  Sure I could live with out a roommate if I wanted to go live in Goleta, Carpinteria, a shitty part of town and give up my ocean and mountain view.  Either that or I could rent a studio with one room, a bathroom a microwave and a hot plate.  Sorry I need a kitchen and love my view.  That being said the Lisanti Palace is not cheap and Alfie that lazy S.O.B wont go out and get a job.  Thus I have roommates.  Here at the Palace we have been through dozens.  Some were crazy, some sucked, some loved shooting heroin, others were great.  Overall my only goal in this life is to someday make enough money that I can support the Palace on my own.  That and get my Bentley of course.

6. Backside Barrel RidesI love backside barrel riding.  It is way gnarlier, looks sicker, is more technical and you can just get so much deeper in the tube.  When you come out of an acid drop drainer back hand with no grab and nothing but your hands on your testicles it’s legendary.  I am a goofy in the northern hemisphere which contributes to an inane backside tube ridding ability.  It also helps that I grew up in New Jersey known for either flat days or heaving right hand barrels.  Now I live in Santa Barbara home to two of the best right hand barrels in the world, Sand Spit and El Capitan.  Lets just say when a heavy one is bearing down on me backside I don’t even think twice about pulling in.

Slab Happy in South Australia

7. Bar FightsThere is something really invigorating about getting into a good old fashioned bar fight.  It seems these days I have been getting into way more of my share then I should be.  The main cause of it is when other guys girl friends decide they would rather hang out with myself or my buddies.  Then the other guy gets jealous and comes over all angry “What are you doing with my girl”.  Then I respond “hey guy if I were you instead of wasting your time getting all huffy with us you ought to check your bitch”.  Next thing you know punches get thrown.  In Australia and New Zealand guys will drag you out of the pub with the sole intention of fighting you just because.  You will rumble and then the winner buys the loser a beer and they are friends for life.  It happened to me when I was in NZ and that dude and I chilled all the time after that.  For a funny bar fight story involving yours truly at Fiesta last year read “Fiesta 2011 Ole!” Blog.  Basically I started a full on bar room brawl by accident.  Read it I promise you will laugh.

8. Fast FoodI know I am a very accomplished cook and purveyor of eating well, but there is just something about a juicy Big Mac that just gets my mouth watering.   I have this guilty passion for fast food.  There is just something about consuming a weeks worth of caloric intake in just a matter of minutes that fascinate me.  I am also dumbfounded on how they manage to charge so little money. All that sodium and grease, oh baby…YUM!  Top five national fast food places in order from least to greatest: 5. Taco Bell, 4. Wendy’s, 3. KFC 2. Mac Donalds, 1. Subway, fuck if its good enough for Happy Gilmore it is good enough for me and with $5 foot longs all month you bet your ass I am doing some damage there.

9. The Fountain Head: The Fountain Head is a master piece novel by Ayn Rand.  I was turned onto her by my ex-girlfriend who at the time passed it along to me.  It blew my mind and I could not put it down.  The Fountain Head pretty much sums up human integrity into a few stereo typical categories reflected from each of the main characters.  Be for warned you many not end up being the character you expected if you are a person who can look at yourself truthfully.  I saw who I was really fast and it helped me a bit to make certain alterations in my own life.  If you do read it or have read it I think you will clearly see which character reflects me the most as well.  More then anything the novel is a true testament to the human spirit and staying true to your own beliefs no matter what the cost.  First and fore most this has always been the driving force in my own life.  “All these years I had hoped to run into you so I could ask you just what you thought of me after all I have done to destroy you”…”Honestly I don’t think about you at all”-Howard Roark.

10. How to Meet Ms. PerfectThese days popular opinion keeps telling me that I am going to meet her on the internet on some online dating site.  I could not even stomach the idea.  I would be ok with meeting someone off Craigslist cause like I said before its a bit more sketchy on there.  Any chick who has the guts to post on there is a woman worthy of my esteem or at least a look.  I am sorry but I am a hopeless romantic at heart and our meet cute has to be something out of a story.  I have only seriously been with three woman and all there were such.  There was no internet involved, well maybe just a little bit in my most recent failure.  I guess that was not so recent anymore.  If you don’t have a romantic story early on than what is going to happen to your relationship years down the pike?  Maybe I am just old fashioned and a dreamer, but I think I will keep dreaming.

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I know, I know its been a while.  All I can say is that I have been rather busy and a bit more tired then usual.  The Summer of Alf is still going strong although about to come to its culmination September 21st and with it the end of the summer quarter of the UCB.  July came and went with out a Power of Ten list because all I got was one half ass uninspiring list form Kooky.  Since then things have come up a notch.  I have decided I will still run two Power of Tens this quarter, the one I am writing right now and one other.

So if you have not submitted a list yet feel free to post one.  Remember it is worth two points.  This one is taken by none other then my boy Nick Kiefer who has been a UCB sleeping giant as of late.  Looks like he woke the fuck up and came out of the gates swinging.   Oh and feel free to submit another Power of Ten Kiefer for the quarter finale.

1. Weapon of ChoiceAt the moment I have been favoring my Samurai sword.  It slices, it dices, it cuts off heads and limbs like butter.  As a matter of fact a few weeks ago my neighbors had this out of control party that woke me up at around 3am to the sounds of broken glass and screaming “get the fuck out of here”.  Things seemed a bit out of hand so I grabbed my sword off the mantle, unsheathed it and went over to play referee. “I don’t care who is right or who is wrong but if shit does not resolve itself right now I am going to start taking arms and legs”.  Problem solved.  For my favorite ghetto weapon check out a blog a wrote a bit back:  Resourceful Weaponry.  Its one of my funnier blogs.

Heads are gonna roll…I love destroying bad artwork from a whore of an artist. Thanks for the partying gift bitch.  The pieces are in the mail.

2. The “N” WordI hate the “N” word. Girls always seem to say it right as I am trying to get my hand up their skirts, NO! I suppose that was not the “N” word you were eluding to.  I once accidentally dropped the N-bomb at one of my dinner parties while my black friend Chantelle was in attendance.  Needless to say the entire room got silent I went red and she replied “that’s your one”.  Whats the big fucking deal.  I don’t get mad when people call me a guido in jest and black people call each other that word all time in rap music. You know what I’m taking it back…

3. Long HairSo this is sort of a touchy subject for me. I once had long hair, down to my shoulders.  I started growing it out when I was 12 and kept it at around shoulder length till last summer, read “Commitment Cut” for more about that.  I loved my long hair.  I used to say it was the source of my strength as a person like Samson and Delia from the Old Testament.  Then like Samson I cut my hair after Adrienne and I broke up hoping it would make a positive change in my life.  For one thing it made existing in our close minded society a lot easier.  All of a sudden jobs were easier to get, people took me more seriously on the outside I almost looked like a decent human being.  I have found the quality of women I meet has went down since I cut my hair which I though would have had the opposite effect.  Go figure. There is something about the feeling of the wind in your hair and the way it feels on your neck when your hair is long that gives one a sense of freedom. I am actually at the moment trying to decide whether to grow the hair back or not.  What do you folks think?

4. Harry Potter: Well I actually do not know much about the books or the movies since I have not read of seen either.  It just was not my generation and as an adult just did not have much interest in them.  My friend and former couch guy Charlie Sean and I took to calling our ex-girl friends Voldemort to help ween us off of using their names all of the time.  Honestly that Harry Potter guy looks like a bit of a faggot to me.

5.  VegetariansAs a lover of food I just could not imagine voluntarily giving up anything.   As a cook it can be a pain in my ass at times.  These days between Vegans, gluten free, raw food diets and whatever other weird new ass shit people come up with it makes feeding everyone happily a head ache.  I know one thing is for sure any chick I ever end up with has to enjoy eating everything or it is not going to work out.  Cows are vegetarians and I eat them.

6. The Olympics:  I have to admit besides catching an event or two randomly at the bar I did not watch any of them.  The summer Olympics on the whole has always been a bit of a bore to me.  I do prefer the action of the winter games.  Also I do not have a television making watching the games more difficult and the US Open of Surfing was on at the same time.  I will take amazing surfing in shitty waves and hot half naked girls in bikinis on the beach in sunny California over stuck up cold rainy England any day.

7. Fat People The blog with the all time most hits that I have written here on SurfingRuinedMyLife.net is “Those Carrying a Little Weight People” a blog I wrote about fat people.  It is also the one I get the most hate mail from.  One happy reader and I quote “Funny you said you don’t understand how people get fat but you also said “On the contrary I eat a massive amount of food, probably enough for two people. I just dont gain weight.” You’re an idiot. Clearly you have the eating habits of a “disgusting beached whale of a human,” but you have genetics on your side to keep you thin. You pretty much disgust me more than seeing someone morbidly obese.”   I said it once and I will say it again if your fat and you do not want to be eat less and exercise more its that easy.  Just like when I bitch about being a drunk.  There is an easy solution there drink less.  Let the hate mail continue.

8. Fishermen fishing in the LineupIt took me years to realize this and many conversations with the fishing enthusiast to find out that where the best waves are is usually where the best fishing is.  I guess they are attracted to certain currents along sand bars and what not.  Also piers are built for fishing in lots of places and those piers end up creating a good wave causing friction between the fishermen and surfers.  Out here one of the spots I frequent is always loaded with surf casters but they are really respectful and always pull their lines down when they see a surfer approaching unlike back east where they try to hook you.  I once got hooked by a bunch of redneck assholes in Hatteras years and years ago. But that is a story for another time.

9. SpeedosI am personally not a fan of speedos outside of their functional use which is for swimming with the least amount of drag.  I know the Euro guys love that shit and the Aussies where them under their wetsuits.  I personally do not like wearing them because my gargantuan penis does not fit inside such constraint an area.

10. Foreign GirlsThis is a group of women which is completely hit or miss for me.  On one hand they find me super attractive as an American surfer boy from California.  Then open my mouth and they are lost by my Lisant-bonics and strange accent.  There was this foreign girl all over me at Sharkeez the other night but just like all the other women that have been attracted to me this year she was morbidly obese, which brings us back to number 7.  To be honest, foreign, domestic, black, white, Asian, big, small its all warm and wet inside now isn’t it.

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In the land of the right there exists at least one goofy foot’s last stand.

This week’s UCB makes a winner out of Mauriello taking a break from giving out lessons in good morals and instead throwing down good UCB topics.  He asked I write about a certain little wave that both of us have a spot for in our heart.  A surfing spot like none other.  One that has teeth, one that has its own certain charm of gnarl in and out of the water, a surfers surf spot, Santa Clara River Mouth in Ventura California.   I have decided the best way to explain this place is by giving you a run down of an average summer morning for me.


An fun looking morning at the River Mouth


River Mouth (that is what the locals call the break) is located about a 45 minute drive south of my home here in Santa Barbara.  On a nautical map it exists a few feet below sea level and sticks out a bit further then most beaches in the area allowing it to pull in swell from all angles and then amplify its intensity thanks to the bottom.  In the Late Spring, Summertime and early fall River Mouth goes off courtesy of south swells that sweep down the beach and usually barrel.  Even if its not hallow the waves still throw out like a mother fucker.  On just the right swell angle the place can almost break like a pseudo left hand point break.

In the summer I have to get up pretty early if I want to score the place without wind.  Although Ventura Harbor, where the River Mouth is located is a swell magnet its also a wind magnet.  Usually by 10 am the wind will get on it and by noon the surf is completely blown out.  River Mouth is not one of those waves that you can surf when its windy.  Most of time it gets so messed up getting a ride is impossible.

My first alarm goes off at around 6am.  I like to call this alarm my ambitious alarm.  It was the time I used be to stoked to get up and surf at when I was really fit and living the surfing lifestyle.  These days I hit the fuck you button usually because I am fighting off a hangover from the night before.  The next alarm goes off at 7am, but usually I field at least two calls from creditors before who I owe money to since my pro surfing career went up in smoke back in 2008.  I mean seriously who would extend a $10,000 credit line to a guy who barely made $20,000 a year?  I think if your that stupid you get what is coming to  you.   My credit rating is fucked for life at this point anyway so I say suck it. Thanks for the wake up call though.

At seven I poke my head out of the covers, but summertime is also fog season meaning more days then not its all grey, damp, cold and nasty out.  This makes getting out of bed rather difficult.  Usually I crawl back under the covers for a spell till Alfie decides he wants breakfast and is all over me meowing, clawing my face, licking my face, basically letting me know if I don’t get up and feed his ass soon I am going to be his breakfast.  Not wanting to be eaten I usually comply by 7:30 unless I’m really hung over and then its every man and beast for themselves.  If I am really hung over it means I drank enough to kill most human beings and I feel so sick that I hope Alfie will eat me alive.

By eight I am finally out of bed.  I pull out my computer and check the buoy readings to see what the day is going to have in store for me.  Driving to River Mouth costs me around $10 in gas round trip so I like to make sure I am actually going to be able to surf.  I am not going to give away the readings I look for cause it took me years to figure that out and it is something that has to be earned.   If things look appealing to me.  I pack my board, suit, booties, fill up my water bottle, grab a banana, brush my teeth then cruise. Usually I hit my boy Ryan up to let him know I am coming if he has yet to get me a surf report.

On the way down I let my ipod shuffle take over.  I skip all the slow tunes only stopping at pump up music.  As I am coming up the hill past Sharks Cove in Montecito I do the look back of death.  Ofcourse it’s flat.  It is summertime and there is no way there is enough north west to break the place.  It is one of my favorite waves so I can’t help but pretend just for a moment that it could be going off.  As I drive by Summerland I check the beachie down there and although too small to surf it is a good indicator of the swell angle.  If things look good there I may pick up the pace.

Then when I get to Carpinteria Santa Clause Lane becomes my next indicator.  This is more or less for both wind and swell size.  If its at least knee high there I know River Mouth will have chest high sets.  If things look good there I pick up the pace even harder.  By this point I am cruising at 80mph weaving in and out of traffic pretending I am in the movie “Ronin” most likely singing at the top of my lungs to whatever music I am blaring.  I have the heat blaring as well cause I hate to be cold before a surf.  It just puts a damper on the whole thing.

Nothing like brown water to make you feel safe and healthy and remind me of home.

At this point my boy Ryan has most likely gotten back to me on what’s up.  His intel is very important cause I have to make a decision once I am past Rincon and La Conchita if I should exit at Sea Cliffs and go surf Emma Wood or continue on to River Mouth.  Rincon and La Conchita are also good indicators as well.  By this point I start getting sleepy and have to pinch myself, pull leg hair, pluck eye brows, whatever it takes to not fall asleep behind the wheel ending up flipped in a ditch somewhere.

Rincon can be a good indicator too if the left up top is breaking.  From there I drive past Stanley’s, Hobsons, Trailers, Father John’s and Pitas. There are usually terrible little waves along all these spots that come winter can be all time. Pitas actually does get south swell it just does not break well on them.  From there I pass the palm tree nursery before getting sight of both the Gold Coast and Emma Wood.  This is the moment of truth right here.  If there are waves at Gold Coast then there are definitely waves at River Mouth.

I drive past Emma Wood and laugh at the near thirty guy crowd.  South of Emma is Ventura Campgrounds or the top of the point at Cstreet.  Depending on how this spot looks I can pretty much tell with absolute certainty if I am going to score.  I always make sure to flip off Cstreet on the way by cause I hate that wave.  I get through the town of Ventura and the stub jetties of the state beaches and Pierpont come into view and always entice me with their siren song of waves that always look good from far but are far from good.

Finally I exit off the 101 and work my way to the Harbor at this point whatever direction those flags are blowing will make or break my morning.  If they are slack then its going to be glassy.  Usually they are blowing north west.  I pull into the Harbor and drive north toward the dunes.  I park in front of the highest dunes that are located halfway between New Jetty and the Surfers Knoll.  From up there I can see all the breaks of Ventura harbor and decide where I want to surf.

My surf check dune.

This dune and I have developed a very personal relationship over the years.  It has seen me jump for joy, cower in fear, vomit from the night before, drop to my knees and cry back when Adrienne and I first broke up.  I have taken many of pisses up there.  There is five years worth of decomposing banana peels up there because I eat my banana while checking the surf.  I have thrown a few angry tantrums up there.  Like I said its my dune.  I once whipped Mauriello really hard with a long dune grass vine and got all mad about it.  In consolation I whipped myself just as hard and he was right it hurt like hell.  I think we both had welts from the whipping for a week or so.

This mornings banana discard.

Looking North you have New Jetty and the far big jetty is South Jetty a wedgey right that almost never breaks and when it does is super hard to surf. New Jetty is one of my favorite waves in the area but unfortunately due to poor sand distribution it has been a deep hole all season.

This is looking south from the dunes. The closest wave is called Surfers Knoll which can be really fun in the late winter early spring, but usually too washy in the summer. Past that is the River Mouth sand bars which stretch about a mile or so south till you get to McGrath State Beach.

If I decide I am surfing River Mouth I repark  my car either in the Knoll lot if it is a week day and uncrowded or in the marina lot across the street if I am looking to be low pro and stealth.  The funny thing about parking in the marina lot is that there are all these no beach parking signs, but everyone parks there any way and they are not “strictly enforced”.  I also like to park in the Marina lot cause there are less crack heads, meth heads, bums and heroin addicts hanging around there.  My old photographer Dave and I once saw the cops come arrest this crack head in the Knoll lot.

It was pretty funny.  The dude broke free and took off to the bath room and flushed his stash.  When he came out there were six cops guns drawn.  Then they took him down with very excessive force.  He made some really strange grunt like squeal when then tackled him to the pavement then bashed his head.  There are robberies in the knoll lot at least once a week if not more.  I just try and stay out of that parking lot.  I have been robbed three times there.  It has gotten to the point where I have hallowed out a spot underneath my driver seat where I stash my phone, Ipod and money.  Its not quite north shore bad where you have to leave your windows down and your car open so they wont get smashed, but there is for sure a large number of degenerates who coagulate in that vicinity.

“Strictly Enforced” ha, the harbor patrol is too busy busting crack heads to worry about parking issues.

There are always sketchy things going on in the parking lot and in the marsh reeds that line the river mouth.  From what I have been told there is pretty much an entire bum civilization back there who feed off all the dead marine life and sea birds that constantly line the beach.  I literally saw five dead birds there today.  Four pelicans and duck.  Last year there were tons of dead seals all over the beach and I once saw a dead dolphin as well.  All the currents flow towards that place and the water quality is far from ideal.

Bum food…another one bites the dust…

Usually I surf a section of sand bars called the Reeds just before the actual river mouth.  I always seem to get my best waves there and its easy to line yourself up because you either sit on the north, south or middle of the reeds.  It is also a bit of a hike from the parking lot and most don’t bother to walk past the first few sand bars.

This is the reeds I like to line up with. Behind those reeds is Bumville.

Sometimes the banks further south in front of the River Mouth can be better on long period swell.  If your willing to walk that far you can be sure to beat most of the crowd.

Hmmm whats that in the far left corner you ask? Let me answer: A power plant and an oil field. Oxnard is a beautiful place.

The Tar

The 805 is constantly riddled with an abundance of tar that naturally and most likely not so naturally courtesy of all the oil rigs seeps up from the ocean floor, coagulates into balls and finds its way to the beaches.  River Mouth is one of those beaches that is especially bad.  Once on the beach the tar heats up from the sun and becomes a gooey mess just waiting for you to step in it.  I have giant tar stains on just about everything I own.  My boards are constantly riddled with the brown mess.  As a matter of fact I stepped in a nice ball of tar yesterday before my session.  

Currently my wax is all black and gooey with tar.  The only way to get tar off is with baby oil which works fine, but also makes the shower floor slippery as hell.  I once went down head over heels nearly hitting my head on the tub faucet.  That would be a really shitty way to be found dead naked on the bottom of the tub in a puddle of blood and baby oil.  The authorities would with out a doubt claim I went out in a crazy freak masturbation mishap.  

Winter Time

In the winter its a whole different ball game out there.

Winter is not really River Mouth’s best season.  For the most part the swell direction of the NW’s seem to just come into there as one giant close out as far as the eye can see.  The water is freezing, colder then any other spot in the area and there is no one around.  Even the bums hunker down for the most part.  The only upside to winter is the Off shores.  Ventura Harbor really kind of is the start of the flat plain that runs all the way till Mugu and as a result hard offshore wind sweeps across the open space grooming the surf.  

You know the winds are going to be good if all you can smell is manure from the fields.  Yeah it stinks but the air in the barrel is always nice.  On the whole even with the winds it is still very closed out and usually on a swell anywhere from double to triple over head and stacked as far as you can see.  If your getting out there you are going to take a serious beating.  You will get pitted, but it will most likely just be a big close out tube.  This is the place where the term PGCB (perfectly good closed out barrels) was coined.  You can read more about that in my “I Heart PGCB’s” blog.  It makes for good wide angle barrel photos except for the fact that the current is so bad out there its nearly impossible to stay with your photog.  Dave and I had many of frustrating sessions where we were both getting worked super hard and did not get one decent shot out of it. 

Usually by late winter some really good sand bars can set up more near the knoll and upper River Mouth.  If it is the right swell with the right tide and the wind is offshore you will get some of the best sessions of your life.  I have had some really amazing session on such.  It can be really frustrating too though if you get there too late.  Lots of times those sand bars only turn on for a few hours at best and if you get it at the end of the window you may get one or two amazing ones and then just be back in close out land.  The rips are really bad on theses bars as well.  You will spend the entire session paddling.  

If your diligent and you get first dibs on a good bank you will have it to yourself for maybe a day or two.  Once word gets out all of Ventura, Oxnard and Santa Barbara will be there.  On the whole these bars only last for a few days anyway before the wind goes bad or too big of a swell comes in and tears it apart.  When it happens it can be all time, as good as anyplace.  Here is a video of possibly the best the River Mouth has ever been courtesy of just the right swell angle, wind, rain and sand. It happened in 2005.  I was lucky enough to get two days of this cause I just happened to be here picking up some boards from Jason Feist over at J7 surfboards.

The reality of the winter is more times then not its nothing more then a big close out and if I am going to drive that far I am most likely going to go surf Hollywood or Oxnard Shores where the banks are a bit better that time of year.  The water quality is very poor in winter due to all the rain run off.

Opening the Mouth

The really cool thing about River Mouth is the fact that it is one of the few unfortified river mouths in a heavily populated area.  There are no jetties or controls on it of any kind.  The water flows under the sand naturally allowing for tons of great banks to get created.  On occasion as a result of heavy rain fall it will burst open and when it does great sand can be created.  That does not always happen.  Sometimes it opens and throws out too much sand ruining the spot for weeks.  If it opens and there is not a good swell direction or bad wind the bars wont form good.  This year we got screwed double.  First the mouth opened up way too far to the south and second when they dredged the harbor, which they do every year the sand from that got badly dispersed completely ruining New Jetty for the entire spring, summer and most likely fall season.

Forget about water quality when it opens.  I have had so many bad sinus infections, diarrhea, fevers and other complications as a direct result of surfing in the black water that is created when it opens.  There ends up being dead frogs, fish, birds, tons of trash that all floats out a river that flows for miles inland.  The pesticide run off from all the farms is intense.  We refer to surfing there during such times as “Brown Town”.  Its pretty disgusting.  If its on its totally worth the chance of contracting Hepatitis though.   

For a while a bunch of locals would get together before a swell and actually dig out the mouth to make good sand.  About three years ago Robert from Roberts Surfboards used to rally the troops to dig it out for every good south swell.  That was one of the best spring/summer seasons out there ever.  Even the fall was sick thanks to all the good sand.  I guess the harbor patrol cracked down on it and the last crew to attempt it got arrested and fined.  I don’t think there has been a dig out attempt since.  In the summer and fall it doesn’t rain so its not going to naturally open.

This barrel was a direct result of a man made river mouth opening. Thanks boys, this day was one of the best I ever had out there. Fall 2010 https://surfingruinedmylife.net/surf-log/2010-sessions/october-10/ 10-29-10 entry.

There you have it, my home away from home Santa Clara River Mouth.  I am sure I just pissed off everyone in the 805 for writing this.  You know what I don’t give a fuck. I am there nearly everyday all summer long and surf the place in both the good, the bad and the ugly.  Its a tough wave to surf.  I would not recommend it to beginners, but more moderate to experts.  There are usually tough currents and rip tides so if your not a strong paddler/swimmer drowning can be an issue.  Its an unprotected beach and out at the River Mouth there is not many people around so getting you medical help will take longer then most spots.

The wave itself is very heavy and even on a two foot day can pack a punch.  I have broken six boards there, creased a handful more and taken some heavy wipe outs.  It is sharky too as any river mouth can be.  Although I have never had an encounter I have heard stories and most of the larger marine mammals that wash up dead on the beach have giant bites taken out from them.  Half seals are not uncommon to see.  The water is murky thus confusing the men in grey suits.  

River Mouth is an acquired taste suited to the elite hard core surfer.  If your dedicated you will score.  If you read this and are stoked to come down for a surf good on ya.  I will gladly hoot you into a wave.  Please show respect and don’t pull up with a van full of dudes like a certain Santa Barbara surf school has been doing.  At Santa Clara the rule of two is in full effect.  Follow the code and I will be more then stoked to get tubed with you.

The lay of the land just to give you an idea of what we are talking about. I took this during a solid south swell last Summer 2011.

This is Christy’s my favorite janky luncheonette in Ventura located right across the street from the River Mouth parking lot. This place is rad all the tables have collages of pictures of their customers under glass. Kooky and I wanted to go put a picture of us under the glass. I still may. Waitresses are surly, customers strange and food incredible. I have ended more then one session there. Yum!

Its not all sunshine and roses out here. If you don’t like mornings then this is what you will be greeted with usually by 11am everyday if not earlier.

This is two trees in Ventura California and where I took that aerial photo of River Mouth. I had been surfing there for years looking back a these trees and always wanted to go up there. Finally I did some exploring and found my way up to them. Its really cool cause from that vantage you can see all the way to Pt.Mugu in the south and Emma Wood in the North. I met some old guy the last time I was there and he said the trees were planted in the late 1800’s so Mariners could find the way to the harbor. Its really cool there and a nice hike. I do it regularly.

Cant afford Christy’s no worries there is plenty of good eating up and down the beach. Looks like someone has already been gnawing on this guy though. Don’t fret I’m sure there are plenty of other dead animals with in striking distance of this unfortunate.

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The first UCB of the quarter goes to, surprise, suprise none other then Kooky Kyle.  The man the myth, the UCB Legend.  A man who’s obscene head of hair in its massive lusciousness ate a hair net.  Shit that thing may have eaten a small fucking child at one point.  He posed the topic: Who do I think Alfie misses the most?  For his efforts he gets 1.5pts and he also nailed a bonus question in the surflog earning him one bonus point.  The kid already is starting out with 2.5pts.  Don’t let him walk away with another quarter and thus another victory.  The kid is already a member of the Lisanti royal court and has a passport to Lisanti Land.  Step it up people there are eight more weeks in this quarter, two Power of Tens up for grabs and at least ten bonus points currently floating around.

Hide the wife, hide the kids, Kooky’s hair is loose.

Alfie as if you did not follow this blog is my disgruntled little bastard of a black cat that happens to be my black cat, my personal cross to bear, my proverbial blue ox so to speak.  If an animal could consciously commit suicide I think Alfie would have ended his miserable existence two years ago.  Shit the cat was addicted to heroin for like six months, but since has weened off it very nice and looks like a normal cat again.  As my buddy West put it back in December “That cat will haunt my dreams for eternity”.  West’s Adventure Tour got really out of hand you can read about it here: Part I, Part II, Part III.  There are a ton of new people here as of late and if you missed these three gems it is some serious entertainment and shows just exactly how out of control a Lisanti Adventure can get.  Just ask Micheala who almost killed me and is coming back for round two in just a few short weeks.

I guess the best way to go about this is to give a quick history on Alfie’s background.  He started off in Lincroft, New Jersey where he was born an ally cat and abandoned by his mother in the middle of a terrible blizzard.  My mother’s friend John saved the litter from near death and nursed them back to health.  He did not want a litter of kittens already having too my cats of his own.  My mother convinced my ex-wife Sindia and I into taking one.  We did and Alfie had a happy home.  A year later we adopted another cat from the same mother, black also, Alfie’s Step brother Turtle, circa 2003?  Maybe Sindia can shed some light on the time table if she ever reads this.

Alfie and Turtle Circa 05

The four of us lived very happily for a couple of years in this dilapidated little beach bungalow Sindia and I rented from my parents for $500 a month.  The place was haggard and really tiny but life was really good there.  Now that I am older looking back those may have been the best few years of my life.  I think Sindia may feel the same.  Things were very simple back then.  It literally was my “Walden”.  There were wild parties, late night skate sessions on the ghetto backyard half pipe, swims off the dock, wild ducks, horseshoe crabs, crazy old lady neighbors, and lots and lots of surfing.

One of those awesome backyard sessions at the Bungalow.

Times changed and my parents decided to build another “dream house” of theirs on the lot where my bungalow existed.  The place was scheduled for demolition and just before I threw a sledge hammer party that nearly ended in the death of all its participants when Bojangles and I knocked out the main support to the roof.  I wrote a rather good blog about such back in the Myspace.com days.  If someone goes and finds it and posts the entire blog in the comments, not just the link but the actually text I will give you three extra points.  Click here to start your search.

From there we moved to a really nice colonial duplex in Spring Lake, NJ.  My marriage was on some serious thin ice between my constant traveling for surfing, her constant traveling for science and finishing her PHD in Chemical Oceanography things just were not as they were.  The cats could sense it.  We took in this crazy guy Jason as a roommate who was highly recommended by my asshole friend Adam.  Turns out the guy was a complete nut job and that is saying a lot since I walk a very fine line of sanity myself.  We also had this roommate Crystal who worked as a veterinarian’s assistant and as a result had like thirty different pets in her room.  She had this cage of ferrets that should let out and they would just reek havoc on Alfie.

The little fucks would back him into a corner and then just bring him down.  It was terrible but really funny at the same time.  Turtle on the other hand would not even come out from under the bed.  I came home from a surf trip and she had pets every where, there was a chick and a duck in my bath tube.  The place smelled like a farm. She had to go.  Crazy Jason threatened me with violence as he threw the cats’ litter box out of the second story window.  He had to go.  I don’t think Alfie missed either of them all that much.

Then there was this polish immigrant, Conrad living there, who actually really liked Alfie and this marble cutter, Dave, who chain smoked cigarettes and bud all day long renting the place, while I was traveling all over to trying and make it in surfing and Sindia had moved to Australia.  Meanwhile both cats were under Conrad’s care.  I was in Santa Barbara by this time and I got reports that things were not going so well for my cats back in NJ.  As a result I flew home and closed up shop there, had the cats shipped to California and was done with it.  I do not think he missed those guys either.  

I picked up two very bewildered Cats up at the LAX loading docks a few weeks later and brought them to what is now the current Lisanti Palace.  At the time gay Lucas the giant was living here and I don’t believe him or Alfie gave a shit about one another.  Then Brennan and I moved in together.  He  lost my cats in a drunken pass out mishap.  Alfie returned shortly while Turtle after many failed capture attempts was never to be seen again.  You can read about that adventure in The Great Escape from Mission Street. I think Alfie may have been fond of Brennan cause he got rid of Turtle for him and I believe Alfie never cared for that sorry excuse of a cat anyway.  With any luck Turtle got devoured by a coyote.  

Then Alf and I moved back to the Lisanti Palace although at that time it was under the reign of my former roommate and brother from another mother Cory.  Although allergic to felines Cory had no problem with Alfie and since he did nothing but sit around on the couch and drink beer all day I think the two of them got along famously.  After Cory, Adrienne moved in.  She payed a ton of attention to him and the waste of space she was spend the bulk of her weekends just sitting around on the couch from what I have been told staring at the walls.  Alfie loves a good friend on the couch.  

Ades brought this bullshit kitten I so endearingly called Mustafa since she never named him. I think she still actually calls him Kitty.  Real creative you stupid bitch. Yeah I am having one of those weeks so deal with it.  Mustafa terrorized the shit out of Alfie and wrecked my apartment.  Shortly after, Ades decided she liked short fat bald old guys better then me, yet failed to inform me of that decision ultimately ending things in a mess.  The event leaving me in my current state of rapture.  Alfie definitely did not miss Mustafa.  He did miss Adrienne a bit.  

Mauriello lived here briefly but he used to fuck with Alfie all the time so I am pretty sure Alfie was not all that broken up about his departure.  Heroin Bryan was never around all that much so I am sure Alf did not care a bit about him.  Sleepy Time Nick helped Alfie get his dope so he probably misses him a bit.  Rye Guy who occupied the couch for like four months was pretty kind to Alfie.  Alfie loved kooky Kyle and never left that dudes side the whole time he was out here. I think he likes Danny my new roommate since Dan has an affinity with picking all of Alfie’s flea bite scabs.  Charlie Sean got along famously with the alfster as well.

So who does Alfie miss the most after all that?  My first thought would have been Sindia.  Then on further thought I doubt he even remembers her.  Its been over five years.  I barely remember her.  If I keep drinking the way I am I should be able to erase every trace.  Its sort of like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”.   In all seriousness I really did love my ex-wife and we had some amazing times I hope to never forget.  

Alfie misses me the most.  That’s right.  When I am at work or away for a few days all he does is walk around the house crying.  When I come home from work he is sitting in front of the door waiting for me even if Dan has already fed him.  As I write this he is happily sitting on my lap.  You know why?  Cause after all these years I have stood by him.  I took care of him and always gave him a home.  He knows with me he will always be safe and he respects such loyalty.  You can say lots of bad things about me but the one thing you cant shake a stick at is the extent I will go to take care of and protect the ones I love.

Alfie eternally standing by my side just like Sir Gawain in “The Knight with the Lion” One of my all time favorite King Arthur tales.


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Spring has come and gone and with it another quarter of the UCB.  There were I believe three blogs written and two “Power of Ten’s”.  There should have been more, would’ve, Should’ve, Could’ve.  I don’t really give shit’ve.  I feel although the quantity on here has become sparse the quality has more then made up for it.  If you want quantity I do write in the surf log everyday and at times that is more interesting then what I write here.  There are still plenty of laughs, rants and insanity as we have grown so accustomed to.  You should all be happy for me that I am out living life instead of spending all my time writing about it.

Yeah you got me. I’m usually just too drunk the majority of the time to formulate a coherent sentence.  I should have Alfie start writing his own column, put him on the keys and let him go to town.  In all seriousness I have been pretty busy with my new job, surfing, music, my garden, cooking and adventuring.  Shoot that last San Francisco Blog I wrote a few days ago was like 20,000 words or something obnoxious like that.  If that is not effort I don’t know what is.  Once again it was a rather lame UCB quarter with only three real participants.  Shame on all of you who don’t participate.  If I got more suggestions I may write more.

Here are the winner stats for Spring:

Kooky Kyle takes the cake once again winning his second quarter of the year.  Its true I am going send him a cake in the mail.  Its most likely going to be melted when he gets it since it is an ice cream cake and I am sending it US standard ground. Congratulations Kooky your working on your next self expense paid trip to the Lisanti Palace!! Oh yeah and enjoy your melted cake courtesy of Rob Machado in Loose Change (extra UCB point if you explain what I am referring to.  Put your answer in the comments).

1st Place: Kooky Kyle – 5.5pts
2nd Place tie:  DanaRepublic – 3pts
2nd Place tie: Mauriello – 3pts


Yep I’m an idiot…WWWHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTT! So get those “Power of Ten” lists in for July and your UCB submissions as well.  Whhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooot!

Got a problem with the UCB. Make a giant cardboard sign and go hang out with these guys. If you do it and take a picture and send it to me. I will give you five UCB points. You must have a two people each one holding the above signs and then yourself holding a sign that says “Chris Lisanti Ruined My Life”. Do It Now!

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Its officially July 1st and that means the start of the summer UCB quarter.  Before we call it quits on the spring season I had promised one last Power of Ten for the month of June.  June came and went and only one list was put forth.  To the victor go the splendor.  I mean whatever splendor two UCB points has to offer one.  My roommate Danny takes the two and the last points of the spring 2012 quarter.  Look for the winner’s circle soon to come.

1.  Effects of Slow Cooked Meats on Indoor Pets Torturous; to sum things up in one word, but then again who am I to ever be concise with anything?  Kooky and I scored this slow cooker at the Ventura swap meet back in November.  I found it under a pile trash while looking for something janky to give to Mauriello for his Birthday.  I found this dirty looking Eskimo mask that was all fury with faux fur and everything.  I even rubbed it all over Alfie so that I could give it fleas.  Don’t I give great birthday gifts?   Bet you will invite me to your next party.  Next to this atrocity of Alaskan heritage was a slow cooker.  It looked like it worked so I offered the guy ten bucks for it and the mask, done deal.  I love swap meets, but that is a topic for another time.  Since then I have been slow cooking up a storm.  When one slow cooks the delicious smells of whatever is cooking (in my case usually slow cooked Italian meats in sauce) permeates the entire apartment complex.  I always see all my neighbors looking around sniffing and salivating.  Then walk inside and poor Alfie is just pacing around in circles yelping in utter frustration that he cant satiate the cravings brought on by such audacious odors.

2. Top 3 Favorite Garden Additions: By now I was suppose to have scratched the whole no theme collection of random plants I found in the trash for my Japanese rock garden. It’s no surprise that has not happened yet.  Look how diligent I am here at surfingruinedmylife.net.  There have been a few new additions to the garden.  Here are my three favorites so far:
This is a baby blue agave clipping I took while coming home from one of my evening beach walks down by Lead Better Beach.  The Adult plant shoots off all these tiny little offspring around itself and I clipped one, brought it home and planted it.  I have had it about a month now and it has already doubled in size.  Blue Agave let out this very large impressive flower and once they do they die.  Sort of their finally mark on life.
My friend Chantelle went olive oil tasting in Ojai and as part of the tasting got an olive tree sapling.  Being she has a not much of a knack with plants asked if I wanted it for my garden to which I delightedly complied.  Now I feel like I have a little bit of the old country in my yard.  There are already a few olives growing on it!
Charlie Sean and I were walking off a hearty Garrett’s breakfast about two weeks ago up by the mission when I came across a patch of these succulents growing along the side walk.  I just had to have one for my collection.  I meant to take a clipping but accidentally uprooted the entire plant, which is rather rude to do to another person’s garden.  I felt bad, but it now sits in my garden.  Tell me what species of succulent this is with proof in the comments for 1 bonus UCB point for the Summer Quarter.

3. Mac Monday’sSix years ago McDonalds ran this promotion for two months where every Monday the Big Mac was only $1.50!!!!!  Now I’m not going to lie I may be a serious chef, but I have a closet addiction to fast food and for me the Big Mac is my favorite. It has been since I was a kid.  Sure they never look as good as they do on tv all smashed up in that earth safe cardboard box.  Despite the poor presentation they taste oh so yummy.  Here in Santa Barbara the McDonalds on the Mesa never dropped the Mac Monday promotion.  That’s right, every Monday for the last six years has been Mac Monday.  Believe me I have indulged. The California Dream in full effect.  Its a tough one cause Albertson’s runs fried chicken “Meal Deal Mondays” where you get eight pieces of fried chicken or a roaster, 1lb of potato wedges, a side of coleslaw, macaroni or potato salad, four sweet Hawaiian rolls and a two liter bottle of coke for $8.99!!!!! I know fucking amazing.  Needless to say Monday has become one of the best eating days of the week.  Sometimes I get the Big Mac for lunch and the chicken for dinner!  Best wine to pair with a Big Mac: a young table Bordeaux red or a Pinot Noir goes decent as well.

Bon Appetit…Doesn’t get any classier then this folks.

4. Does Obama Support ProstitutionI don’t really know his views on it.  Here are mine since its MY blog and not Obama’s and I don’t really give a fuck about politics outside of Lisanti Land where I am Sultan.  Prostitution is one of the oldest professions known to man.  Some make a decent living off it.  Right now it is scummy, dangerous, and illegal.  Bottom line in it’s current state nobody wins.  Legalize it and for starters the government can tax the shit out of it, regulate it, stop wasting tax payers money in a vain attempt to stop it and maybe we can help these poor woman who have been abused one time too many by daddy or trying to satisfy their heroin addiction instead of persecuting them.  “Let he who is with out sin cast the first stone”.

5. Who Should have been Casted as the Female Lead in “Ace Ventura Pet Dective”First off I cant stand Courtney Cox whom is the actual female lead.  I wanted some one funny like Janeane Garofalo, who can be made up to look rather pretty.  That is who I would have casted.  Her sarcasm would have been great next to his stupidity.  If your not going to get me someone funny then at the very least get me someone way better looking.  I would have taken Cameron Diaz, she is sort of funny or was in the “Something About Mary” flick when she used the semen as hair gel.

And usually I have to wait till later in the night for my girls to sport that look.

6. Woman’s Suffrage? Should Alfie Have the Right to Vote?Now how is it that woman have the right to vote but not the right to sell their bodies for sex.  I guess in a lot of ways they do have that right too.  I know plenty of gold digging bitches out there who I would have more respect for if they just straight up put a price on their head and told it like it is.  Should Alfie vote? I don’t know, fuck I don’t even vote.  Its such a chore.  Why cant they just send the ballot in the mail like the US Census.  Oh, wait, I think I forgot to mail that also.  Oh well?

Forget about giving him the right to vote. Lets just make the little motherfucker President. I would vote for him, except err…I don’t vote.

7. CannolisCannolis are an amazingly scrumptious though very fattening Italian pastry.   I am a huge fan.  Here in Santa Barbara a good one has proved impossible to find.  One night I decided to take matters into my own hand and make my own along with my old sous chef Calvin.  We got cannoli rollers, made a make shift deep fryer out of a double broiler that could have burned the whole apartment complex down.  My poor neighbors had no idea how close they were to almost dying in an amateur cannoli flash fire accident.  We even went on a search of every grocery store in the area for citron to no avail.  We made it work.  The real challenge was getting them to stay rolled up while frying.  A task we definitely did not master.  All I can say is I will probably have to revisit cannoli making at some point since although it came out tasty enough I would have to consider the first take a fail.

Cannolis pre-fry. When I took this picture I was still very optimistic. Notice there is no post fry picture…

8. Snuff FilmsForget snuff films  for a moment.  How about snuff porn?  My buddy Scotty B and I once became obsessed with such after watching “8mm” with Nicholas Cage.  That film was heavy, but I love those revenge movies.  Cage spent the whole movie full on revenge killing and there ain’t nothing wrong with that.

9. Best CostumesDanny is referring to Bay to Breakers this crazy event that goes down in SF every year.  This past year I happened to be a part of it. Truthfully that is a blog I have been working on since it went down in May.  Too much took place in the last two months and I am for about the first time in my life in absolute sensory overload.  My brain cant at the moment get a handle on any of it to even begin to write it down.  More crazy shit just keeps on amounting lately.  All I know is that there were people walking around completely naked and to them I take off my hat.  I almost dropped my draws and joined in on the party.

10. Male/Female Weight Ratio in Terms of Safety During SexI know my limit and its no more then fifty pounds heavier then I am.  That rule went into effect cause I literally had my back thrown out in the bedroom back  in December by a whale of a women.  I will say up till the injury we were having a good time and I am not a chubby chaser by any means, just a good guy who will not deny a woman a good time Lisanti style.  There are guys who have BBW fetishes and all I have to say to that is there is also a statistic out there of people who are crushed to death by another in a bedroom related accident and you thought the jopo fatality rate was gnarly.

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This weeks UCB makes a winner of Kooky Kyle who at press time has quite the lead thanks to snagging some extra points. I post extra point questions everywhere on this site.  There is still one more extra point floating around that I will triple if anyone gets it.  It was like four or five blogs ago I think.  Also the power of ten for June is up for grabs, get those lists in before or on the 30th of they wont count towards this quarter.  Kooky Kyle’s suggestion was “International surfing Day”.  Now I may have wrote on this topic before someplace either here or back in the myspace.com days, but I have new ideas on the whole thing.  

First off International Surfing Day is a FAKE HOLIDAY that was initially created by the Surfrider Foundation in 2004 to boost beach related environmental awareness.  Beach cleanups, pledge drives, bbqs, earth conscientiousness and good vibes on the whole were had.  At the time I thought it was a pretty rad idea even if it was stolen from skate boarding.  Since the late 90’s on a random day towards the end of June an unofficial skate board race was held through all five boroughs of NYC.  The event was completely underground and on the appointed day thousands of skaters would show up and basically clog the streets of New York for a day.  Eventually word got out and International Go Skateboarding Day took its place all over the world. 

At first things were cool, simple and all in good fun.  Then the surf industry stepped in and said lets use this day to hock more product and make more money.  The Magazines jumped on the bandwagon, videographers, pro surfers, surf shops, surf schools and anyone else who makes a buck off surfing.  Today much like the actual sport of surfing International Surfing Day is nothing more then another American Hallmark Holiday (I will coin that one) but with out the cards, although at this point with Target and Macy’s, yeah Macy’s, embracing the surfing lifestyle to make major dinero its only a matter of time before Hallmark will be making “Happy International Surfing day” Cards.  

Maybe it can have a guy deep in the barrel getting burned by some yuppie kook on a fucking soft board arms all flailing going straight fresh out his surf class he paid some surfer business man $100 bucks an hour for.  Sto00000ke! Surfing is so cool.  Or it can have some dick head pro burning some average guy just happy to squeeze an hour in before work.  Either way nothing spreads the aloha spirit like ruining another surfers day.

Happy International Surfing Day!

Lets go back to the Macy’s thing again.  I was suit shopping there the other day cause they were having this crazy 60% off sale.  I actually found a really smooth Alfani two piece Charcoal Grey suit that I am going to wear to my cousin’s wedding at the end of August with a black shirt and red tie.  I am going to be styling.  As I am doing this I walk by an entire surf section with all the brands, Volcom, Quicksilver, Rip Curl, etc.  There was a giant picture of Mic Fanning on the wall, a poster of Taj boosting.  I almost cried then destroyed the place.  Instead I shook my head and was stoked to have disconnected myself from the surf materialistic world.  I feel bad for all my friends who own surf shops lord knows how you compete.

A sneak preview of my new suit. I looked like shit this day. I don’t trust mirrors so I always take photos whenever I am buying a high ticket item. You can imagine when I am all done up this is going to be the shit.

Did I surf on International Surfing Day you ask?  Well if you read the surflog on occasion you would know I did not cause I hurt my back trying to pull a Kerrupt Flip at New Jetty earlier in the week after getting all pumped off it when I wrote about in the most recent power of ten blog “I Gots Power“.  For myself and most serious surfers every mother fucking day is International Surfing Day.  For me it has been that way for 21 years.  I don’t need a special day to get me pumped to go surfing and if you do then you really need to rethink your priorities in life.  There have been a few times in my life when I had forsaken surfing and I was miserable cause I tried to prioritize my life more mainstream.  Then I readjusted my thinking and got back on the horse.

Yes I was a sell out for a long time.  I did the pro-surfer thing, the surf shop thing, and even the surf school thing.  These days I am a complete surfing recluse.  I wear all black wet suits, ride wide surf boards some with original art work done by my friends. I show up, go surfing then as fast I was there I am gone.  No or minimal surf clothing, image or fanfare.  If it was not for my neck tan these days one would not even know I surfed.  I think most people just believe I have some strange skin disease that only allows my head to tan.

Actually I got this chick at the bar the other night to fall for that and almost got her to pity fuck me.   I went up to this woman to hit on her and after a few words I could tell she was over it.  She was doing the usual looking around the club, checking the phone, I am over talking to you sort of thing.  I was about to leave when her friend comes up to me and like a total bitch says “yuck why are you only tan from the neck up?”.  “To tell you the truth I suffer from a skin degenerating disease called pigmititus and can now only tan on my hands and from the neck up.  Its similar to the skin disease Micheal Jackson suffered from.  I must say I am a little self conscientious about it and now you have embarrassed me and I must leave”.  I turned to walk away and she grabbed me and was all apologetic bought me a shot of Patron and then chilled with me the rest of the night.  It was classic.  Now I know how that dude in the wheel chair pulls all those chicks.   Stupid California girls, got to love them.

In a world where commercialism has taken over every facet of life (phssst if your a hipster, if the majority of the population has embraced your style then you are not too hip anymore) it is sad that surfing has been taken down with it.  On the up side with anti commercial warriors out there like Dane Reynolds and Bobby Martinez maybe more will follow and we can take back the soul of surfing.  In the meantime Taylor Steele made a film recently where he picked one random day and filmed surfing all over the world on that day. No special title needed.  Here is what International Surfing Day is really about:


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