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Posts Tagged ‘Midget Porn’

I know I have been writing a lot about surfing lately.  What can I say at the moment I am, well always have been I guess perpetually stoked on it.  How else could surfing have ruined my life if I was not.  Surfing Ruined My Life and alcohol will most likely take my life in one way or another be it cirrhosis or drunken mayhem.  Sadly I probably will just end up dying a rather non poetic death chocking on a frozen bean and cheese burrito cause I was too lazy to cook a decent meal.  Then again I guess there is some irony in that now isn’t there?

What the fuck am I rambling about?  Why, a Power of Ten list of course, my favorite of the UCB.  Mauriello takes the last ten list of the quarter and the year.  As usual it is nothing but a collection of pure moronic fun.  Its about time I wrote some stupidity here.  I know I for one can always use a good laugh.

1) Alfie and His Similarities to MyselfAflie and I are two peas in a pod.  The poor cat is an almost 100% product of Lisanti Land.  Sure Sindia had a hand in raising him, but ultimately it was yours truly that took up the plight.  Alfie is a gnarly cat, borderline feral.  Like me he is very vocal and usually of the negative persuasion.  He can take a licking and keep on ticking.  That cat should have died so many times he used up all his nine lives and is on borrowed ones.  Maybe he steals them from other cats.  He is always up for a fight and rarely backs down, but will gracefully accept defeat.  He always has his claws out.  Most cats keep their claws in unless necessary to bare them.  Not Alf when he walks around on my wood floors all one can hear is the clacking of his claws.  He is small for a cat, yet makes up for it in persona.  I am pretty sure if he could talk he would spout tons of egotistical, narcissistic bull shit.  He has trouble getting along with other cats and is skittish around new people.  He likes to case out a situation before putting himself in it.  For all these reasons Alfie’s existence may help prove the nurture vs. nature argument.  One more thing Alfie and I both look amazing in the color black.

Now tell me those are not two good looking guys.  Note the similar look of aggravation on both our faces.

Now tell me those are not two good looking guys. Note the similar look of aggravation on both our faces.

2) How Does Everyone in California Not Work but still seam to live an extravagant lifestyle?: This is a great question and one I have not only given a great amount of thought too, but am also part of the illusion.  First off there is a lot of wealth in California to start with and a good portion of that money is new money owed to some type of career in the entertainment or arts industry.  These occupations pay the beneficiary a great sum of money for a short period of work.  They usually contain some type of royalty or dividend type system which allows one to make money from doing absolutely nothing.  Throw in a large concentration of trustafarians (people who live off trust funds or inherited money), spoiled rich kids living off mommy and daddy, rich foreigners and finally a host of college students also living off their parents dime or the governments’ and you have a large group of people who either do not need to work or work very little.  Finally you have the last collection of people, the majority, the crew I belong to: Lazy People.  In this sect most of us have some type of job that renders us as much money as we can possibly make, while working as little as possible with as little effort as possible.  We live with roommates, find all sorts of ways to make income on the side, work the best deals on everything we own and none of us ever have a penny to spare.  We have learned how to make a dollar out of fifteen cents and spend 100% of our income on frivolous entertainment and possessions.  Since we are so strong in numbers and all understand our cause this counter culture, unproductive life style is celebrated rather then shunned as it is in the north east.  Basically we enable each other and love it.

Enough Said.

3) “The Law of the Club and the Fang”This was a quote and philosophy written by Jack London in A Call to the Wild.  Basic Idea was that dog will yield to either the reign of blows of the club by a man or the bite of another dog.  Here in Lisanti Land I have adopted this philosophy with a passion.  When you think about it, this totally applies to our life.  Everyday you are either fighting or yielding to the club of your superior or doing the same to the fangs of your peers.  Basically it is the idea that life is not pampered and that you are either taking or being taken.  Its living tough.

Kooky and I demonstrating Law of the Club and Fang

Kooky and I demonstrating Law of the Club and Fang

4) Breakfast CerealCereal is an amazing entity.  I eat it just about every day and have since I was around 12.  Couple it with milk and you have quite the nutritious meal.   When I was a professional surfer and broke as all hell (I say this as if I am not still broke as hell) I ate cereal for just about every meal.  I would buy a gallon of milk at three bucks and the giant box of generic corn flakes for four dollars.  I usually got six meals out of that.  Six meals for around seven bucks.  Where are you going to find a deal like that?  Also it is one of the favorite foods of Jerry Seinfeld.

Check out around 1:40 for the applicable clip.

5) The Hobbit MoviesAll I can say is I want my fucking $12 back.  I had not been to a movie theater in nearly six years, SIX YEARS!  I decided to break this incredible streak a few weeks ago to see “The Hobbit” in 3D.  What a fucking sham that was. I had to sit there for three fucking hours wearing a pair of stupid glasses, which gave me a head ache all so that I could watch the occasional item popping out of the screen effect.  Going into this thing I had no idea there was going to be three movies.  I thought they would have summed the whole book up into one movie as they had done with the previous three.  Instead I guess they wanted to milk the shit for all it was worth.  They do not even get out of the Shire until the first hour or so.  The film was just too slow.  If I had not went to see it with my roommate who drove I would have walked out.  One thing I can say I did find the acting and cinematography to be well done.  The screen play adoption certainly did stay very true to the novel as well.  If I were you I would save my money and wait for it to come down to DVD or go find a boot leg.  Or better yet cut your losses completely and just go watch some midget porn.

This is better then any scene in the Hobbit. What do you think really goes on in them Hobbit Holes?

This is better then any scene in the Hobbit. What do you think really goes on in them Hobbit Holes?

What Would A Lisanti Offspring be Like What a question and a good reference to number 1 on this list.  Unfortunately I am not sure I want to be a breeder anymore.  I was dead set on children and a family not long ago, but these days I find myself rethinking the whole thing.  I really like my life as selfish as it is.  I am not sure if I would want to make the sacrifice children force one to make.  If I were to have kids gender regardless both would be very well educated.  Constant reading and writing a must.  I would encourage the study of both science and mathematics even if I lack in both those categories.  I would teach them domestic skills just as they were taught to me.  Of course they would surf and surf well.  I would not be one of those “surf parents”, but I mean I have skill so I would assume they would  as well.  I would instill strong values along the lines of kindness, understanding and patience.  Art and music appreciation a necessity.  My children would understand the finer things in life just as I do.  A male I would teach to grow up strong and self determined.  He would need to learn to be an alpha like myself.  A man needs to take what he wants no questions asked.  If a female I would teach her grace and courage.  I would want her to be self actualized.  She must learn to defend herself, above else manners, courtesy, modesty and integrity, for both sexes for that matter.  I must be honest I kind of don’t view men or woman any different outside of sexuality.  I think both should be prepared equally for the world around us.  The day of inequality between sexes has long since past.  It goes with out saying my offspring would be ridiculously good looking.

CircumcisionI don’t know how much I really have to say on this topic.  I am circumcised and am pretty happy with that situation.  From what I have been told it is more hygienic then not.  I have never met a woman who has been with a guy who was uncut so I don’t really know if there are any sexual advantages or disadvantages.  I am not a bird watcher so outside of pornography have never seen one in real life.

Do Fat Chicks Give Better HeadI can see all my female readers shaking there heads at this point.  On the whole it has been my experience that fat chicks are better at most everything in the bedroom.  Fact of the matter is they are just so appreciative that they are getting some action they are always willing to go that extra mile.  On the other hand take a stuck up hot bitch.  She thinks she is god’s gift to man and thus just lays there dead fish all night.  There are exceptions to every rule.   I must add that I am not a huge fan of fillacio either way.  I respect it as a fun form of foreplay but ultimately could care less about it.  From what I have been told it is the gay dudes and Jewish women who give the best head.  I have yet to experience either.

Life Guard or Coast GuardIn general with the exception of the North Shore of Oahu life guards I have little if any respect for such.  Where I come from they are lazy ass rich kids who wanted an easy job for the summer or teachers trying to make an extra buck for the summer.  They all think they are the shit and tell all these lame ass stories about guarding.  The rest of us roll our eyes and then make fun of them later.  As far as I am concerned they make enjoying the ocean too easy and are weakening the race by allowing the weak to survive.  Coast guard on the other hand is bad ass.  Those guys have all sorts of gnarly ass shit to take care of from drug smugglers, to human trafficking  to illegal immigration to crazy life threatening rescues.  Those boys have always gotten my utmost respect.

Who would win in a Fight, Kooky Kyle or an OstrichThis one is a tough one for me.  Kooky Kyle is pretty gnarly.  Then again so are Ostriches.  I think if its just one ostrich Kooky has odds.  That guy is fucking resourceful.  Some of the shit I have seen him do here in Lisanti Land and heard of abroad gives me plenty of faith that he will prevail.  At the end of mankind it will be just Kooky and the cock roaches.

Kooky taking out prehistoric birds and little kids in one fell swoop.

Kooky taking out prehistoric birds and little kids in one fell swoop.

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