Surfing Ruined My Life

Its officially July 1st and that means the start of the summer UCB quarter.  Before we call it quits on the spring season I had promised one last Power of Ten for the month of June.  June came and went and only one list was put forth.  To the victor go the splendor.  I mean whatever splendor two UCB points has to offer one.  My roommate Danny takes the two and the last points of the spring 2012 quarter.  Look for the winner’s circle soon to come.

1.  Effects of Slow Cooked Meats on Indoor Pets:  Torturous; to sum things up in one word, but then again who am I to ever be concise with anything?  Kooky and I scored this slow cooker at the Ventura swap meet back in November.  I found it under a pile trash while looking for something janky to give to Mauriello for his Birthday.  I found this dirty looking Eskimo mask that was all fury with faux fur and everything.  I even rubbed it all over Alfie so that I could give it fleas.  Don’t I give great birthday gifts?   Bet you will invite me to your next party.  Next to this atrocity of Alaskan heritage was a slow cooker.  It looked like it worked so I offered the guy ten bucks for it and the mask, done deal.  I love swap meets, but that is a topic for another time.  Since then I have been slow cooking up a storm.  When one slow cooks the delicious smells of whatever is cooking (in my case usually slow cooked Italian meats in sauce) permeates the entire apartment complex.  I always see all my neighbors looking around sniffing and salivating.  Then walk inside and poor Alfie is just pacing around in circles yelping in utter frustration that he cant satiate the cravings brought on by such audacious odors.

2. Top 3 Favorite Garden Additions: By now I was suppose to have scratched the whole no theme collection of random plants I found in the trash for my Japanese rock garden. It’s no surprise that has not happened yet.  Look how diligent I am here at surfingruinedmylife.net.  There have been a few new additions to the garden.  Here are my three favorites so far:
This is a baby blue agave clipping I took while coming home from one of my evening beach walks down by Lead Better Beach.  The Adult plant shoots off all these tiny little offspring around itself and I clipped one, brought it home and planted it.  I have had it about a month now and it has already doubled in size.  Blue Agave let out this very large impressive flower and once they do they die.  Sort of their finally mark on life.
My friend Chantelle went olive oil tasting in Ojai and as part of the tasting got an olive tree sapling.  Being she has a not much of a knack with plants asked if I wanted it for my garden to which I delightedly complied.  Now I feel like I have a little bit of the old country in my yard.  There are already a few olives growing on it!
Charlie Sean and I were walking off a hearty Garrett’s breakfast about two weeks ago up by the mission when I came across a patch of these succulents growing along the side walk.  I just had to have one for my collection.  I meant to take a clipping but accidentally uprooted the entire plant, which is rather rude to do to another person’s garden.  I felt bad, but it now sits in my garden.  Tell me what species of succulent this is with proof in the comments for 1 bonus UCB point for the Summer Quarter.

3. Mac Monday’s: Six years ago McDonalds ran this promotion for two months where every Monday the Big Mac was only $1.50!!!!!  Now I’m not going to lie I may be a serious chef, but I have a closet addiction to fast food and for me the Big Mac is my favorite. It has been since I was a kid.  Sure they never look as good as they do on tv all smashed up in that earth safe cardboard box.  Despite the poor presentation they taste oh so yummy.  Here in Santa Barbara the McDonalds on the Mesa never dropped the Mac Monday promotion.  That’s right, every Monday for the last six years has been Mac Monday.  Believe me I have indulged. The California Dream in full effect.  Its a tough one cause Albertson’s runs fried chicken “Meal Deal Mondays” where you get eight pieces of fried chicken or a roaster, 1lb of potato wedges, a side of coleslaw, macaroni or potato salad, four sweet Hawaiian rolls and a two liter bottle of coke for $8.99!!!!! I know fucking amazing.  Needless to say Monday has become one of the best eating days of the week.  Sometimes I get the Big Mac for lunch and the chicken for dinner!  Best wine to pair with a Big Mac: a young table Bordeaux red or a Pinot Noir goes decent as well.

Bon Appetit…Doesn’t get any classier then this folks.

4. Does Obama Support Prostitution: I don’t really know his views on it.  Here are mine since its MY blog and not Obama’s and I don’t really give a fuck about politics outside of Lisanti Land where I am Sultan.  Prostitution is one of the oldest professions known to man.  Some make a decent living off it.  Right now it is scummy, dangerous, and illegal.  Bottom line in it’s current state nobody wins.  Legalize it and for starters the government can tax the shit out of it, regulate it, stop wasting tax payers money in a vain attempt to stop it and maybe we can help these poor woman who have been abused one time too many by daddy or trying to satisfy their heroin addiction instead of persecuting them.  “Let he who is with out sin cast the first stone”.

5. Who Should have been Casted as the Female Lead in “Ace Ventura Pet Dective”: First off I cant stand Courtney Cox whom is the actual female lead.  I wanted some one funny like Janeane Garofalo, who can be made up to look rather pretty.  That is who I would have casted.  Her sarcasm would have been great next to his stupidity.  If your not going to get me someone funny then at the very least get me someone way better looking.  I would have taken Cameron Diaz, she is sort of funny or was in the “Something About Mary” flick when she used the semen as hair gel.

And usually I have to wait till later in the night for my girls to sport that look.

6. Woman’s Suffrage? Should Alfie Have the Right to Vote?: Now how is it that woman have the right to vote but not the right to sell their bodies for sex.  I guess in a lot of ways they do have that right too.  I know plenty of gold digging bitches out there who I would have more respect for if they just straight up put a price on their head and told it like it is.  Should Alfie vote? I don’t know, fuck I don’t even vote.  Its such a chore.  Why cant they just send the ballot in the mail like the US Census.  Oh, wait, I think I forgot to mail that also.  Oh well?

Forget about giving him the right to vote. Lets just make the little motherfucker President. I would vote for him, except err…I don’t vote.

7. Cannolis: Cannolis are an amazingly scrumptious though very fattening Italian pastry.   I am a huge fan.  Here in Santa Barbara a good one has proved impossible to find.  One night I decided to take matters into my own hand and make my own along with my old sous chef Calvin.  We got cannoli rollers, made a make shift deep fryer out of a double broiler that could have burned the whole apartment complex down.  My poor neighbors had no idea how close they were to almost dying in an amateur cannoli flash fire accident.  We even went on a search of every grocery store in the area for citron to no avail.  We made it work.  The real challenge was getting them to stay rolled up while frying.  A task we definitely did not master.  All I can say is I will probably have to revisit cannoli making at some point since although it came out tasty enough I would have to consider the first take a fail.

Cannolis pre-fry. When I took this picture I was still very optimistic. Notice there is no post fry picture…

8. Snuff Films: Forget snuff films  for a moment.  How about snuff porn?  My buddy Scotty B and I once became obsessed with such after watching “8mm” with Nicholas Cage.  That film was heavy, but I love those revenge movies.  Cage spent the whole movie full on revenge killing and there ain’t nothing wrong with that.

9. Best Costumes: Danny is referring to Bay to Breakers this crazy event that goes down in SF every year.  This past year I happened to be a part of it. Truthfully that is a blog I have been working on since it went down in May.  Too much took place in the last two months and I am for about the first time in my life in absolute sensory overload.  My brain cant at the moment get a handle on any of it to even begin to write it down.  More crazy shit just keeps on amounting lately.  All I know is that there were people walking around completely naked and to them I take off my hat.  I almost dropped my draws and joined in on the party.

10. Male/Female Weight Ratio in Terms of Safety During Sex: I know my limit and its no more then fifty pounds heavier then I am.  That rule went into effect cause I literally had my back thrown out in the bedroom back  in December by a whale of a women.  I will say up till the injury we were having a good time and I am not a chubby chaser by any means, just a good guy who will not deny a woman a good time Lisanti style.  There are guys who have BBW fetishes and all I have to say to that is there is also a statistic out there of people who are crushed to death by another in a bedroom related accident and you thought the jopo fatality rate was gnarly.