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Posts Tagged ‘Summer of Alf’

Do Da Do Da…Power of Ten, Yikes!

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , on August 23, 2012| 4 Comments »

I know, I know its been a while.  All I can say is that I have been rather busy and a bit more tired then usual.  The Summer of Alf is still going strong although about to come to its culmination September 21st and with it the end of the summer quarter of the UCB.  July came and went with out a Power of Ten list because all I got was one half ass uninspiring list form Kooky.  Since then things have come up a notch.  I have decided I will still run two Power of Tens this quarter, the one I am writing right now and one other.

So if you have not submitted a list yet feel free to post one.  Remember it is worth two points.  This one is taken by none other then my boy Nick Kiefer who has been a UCB sleeping giant as of late.  Looks like he woke the fuck up and came out of the gates swinging.   Oh and feel free to submit another Power of Ten Kiefer for the quarter finale.

1. Weapon of Choice: At the moment I have been favoring my Samurai sword.  It slices, it dices, it cuts off heads and limbs like butter.  As a matter of fact a few weeks ago my neighbors had this out of control party that woke me up at around 3am to the sounds of broken glass and screaming “get the fuck out of here”.  Things seemed a bit out of hand so I grabbed my sword off the mantle, unsheathed it and went over to play referee. “I don’t care who is right or who is wrong but if shit does not resolve itself right now I am going to start taking arms and legs”.  Problem solved.  For my favorite ghetto weapon check out a blog a wrote a bit back:  Resourceful Weaponry.  Its one of my funnier blogs.

Heads are gonna roll…I love destroying bad artwork from a whore of an artist. Thanks for the partying gift bitch.  The pieces are in the mail.

2. The “N” Word: I hate the “N” word. Girls always seem to say it right as I am trying to get my hand up their skirts, NO! I suppose that was not the “N” word you were eluding to.  I once accidentally dropped the N-bomb at one of my dinner parties while my black friend Chantelle was in attendance.  Needless to say the entire room got silent I went red and she replied “that’s your one”.  Whats the big fucking deal.  I don’t get mad when people call me a guido in jest and black people call each other that word all time in rap music. You know what I’m taking it back…

3. Long Hair: So this is sort of a touchy subject for me. I once had long hair, down to my shoulders.  I started growing it out when I was 12 and kept it at around shoulder length till last summer, read “Commitment Cut” for more about that.  I loved my long hair.  I used to say it was the source of my strength as a person like Samson and Delia from the Old Testament.  Then like Samson I cut my hair after Adrienne and I broke up hoping it would make a positive change in my life.  For one thing it made existing in our close minded society a lot easier.  All of a sudden jobs were easier to get, people took me more seriously on the outside I almost looked like a decent human being.  I have found the quality of women I meet has went down since I cut my hair which I though would have had the opposite effect.  Go figure. There is something about the feeling of the wind in your hair and the way it feels on your neck when your hair is long that gives one a sense of freedom. I am actually at the moment trying to decide whether to grow the hair back or not.  What do you folks think?

4. Harry Potter: Well I actually do not know much about the books or the movies since I have not read of seen either.  It just was not my generation and as an adult just did not have much interest in them.  My friend and former couch guy Charlie Sean and I took to calling our ex-girl friends Voldemort to help ween us off of using their names all of the time.  Honestly that Harry Potter guy looks like a bit of a faggot to me.

5.  Vegetarians: As a lover of food I just could not imagine voluntarily giving up anything.   As a cook it can be a pain in my ass at times.  These days between Vegans, gluten free, raw food diets and whatever other weird new ass shit people come up with it makes feeding everyone happily a head ache.  I know one thing is for sure any chick I ever end up with has to enjoy eating everything or it is not going to work out.  Cows are vegetarians and I eat them.

6. The Olympics:  I have to admit besides catching an event or two randomly at the bar I did not watch any of them.  The summer Olympics on the whole has always been a bit of a bore to me.  I do prefer the action of the winter games.  Also I do not have a television making watching the games more difficult and the US Open of Surfing was on at the same time.  I will take amazing surfing in shitty waves and hot half naked girls in bikinis on the beach in sunny California over stuck up cold rainy England any day.

7. Fat People:  The blog with the all time most hits that I have written here on SurfingRuinedMyLife.net is “Those Carrying a Little Weight People” a blog I wrote about fat people.  It is also the one I get the most hate mail from.  One happy reader and I quote “Funny you said you don’t understand how people get fat but you also said “On the contrary I eat a massive amount of food, probably enough for two people. I just dont gain weight.” You’re an idiot. Clearly you have the eating habits of a “disgusting beached whale of a human,” but you have genetics on your side to keep you thin. You pretty much disgust me more than seeing someone morbidly obese.”   I said it once and I will say it again if your fat and you do not want to be eat less and exercise more its that easy.  Just like when I bitch about being a drunk.  There is an easy solution there drink less.  Let the hate mail continue.

8. Fishermen fishing in the Lineup: It took me years to realize this and many conversations with the fishing enthusiast to find out that where the best waves are is usually where the best fishing is.  I guess they are attracted to certain currents along sand bars and what not.  Also piers are built for fishing in lots of places and those piers end up creating a good wave causing friction between the fishermen and surfers.  Out here one of the spots I frequent is always loaded with surf casters but they are really respectful and always pull their lines down when they see a surfer approaching unlike back east where they try to hook you.  I once got hooked by a bunch of redneck assholes in Hatteras years and years ago. But that is a story for another time.

9. Speedos: I am personally not a fan of speedos outside of their functional use which is for swimming with the least amount of drag.  I know the Euro guys love that shit and the Aussies where them under their wetsuits.  I personally do not like wearing them because my gargantuan penis does not fit inside such constraint an area.

10. Foreign Girls: This is a group of women which is completely hit or miss for me.  On one hand they find me super attractive as an American surfer boy from California.  Then open my mouth and they are lost by my Lisant-bonics and strange accent.  There was this foreign girl all over me at Sharkeez the other night but just like all the other women that have been attracted to me this year she was morbidly obese, which brings us back to number 7.  To be honest, foreign, domestic, black, white, Asian, big, small its all warm and wet inside now isn’t it.

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“Of Things to Come” Stefon Harris

Posted in Groovin' High, Music, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 27, 2012| 18 Comments »

Then man Killing it…

Now that I am writing again, I know its pretty amazing isn’t it?  I don’t really know what gave me the sudden angst to get the mind working again, but I’m back baby!  There are only another six weeks left in the Summer of Alf.  At the moment I have not decided if it was total flop or semi-success story.  I guess we will all just have to wait another six weeks to find out.  For the remainder of the Summer of Alf I have decided that every week I will post a Groovin’ High of what I really consider great music and more then that great music played, written and performed by masterful musicians.

These are the people that inspire me to play the saxophone on a higher level and constantly allow the bar to continue to be raised.  I feel on the whole most of what I post here in Groovin’ High are decent songs by decent artist.  Usually I pick a song by how it pertains to my life at that moment.  For me music has always been more of a stream of consciousness then just something to fill space or a vehicle for dance.  The next six weeks I will spot light six tunes by six artists that have helped shape me into the person and artist I have become.  If this is not your particular genre listen anyway and keep an open mind.  When “Call Me Maybe” is top on the American music charts I think it is time to give a comparison on what skilled artists are doing.

The first song in this installment is “Of Things to Come” by Stefon Harris and it appears on his Black Action Hero album.  He released it in 1999 and it found its way into my hands in 2000.  I have always been a huge fan of the vibraphone enjoying the likes of Milt Jackson and Roy Ayers.  I came across a very interesting write up in a Jazz magazine about this young vibes player who was combining contemporary jazz, R&B, Soul,Hip Hop and Jungle beats to create a very distinctive sound.  The description alone was enough to get my purchase.  I love the jungle work done by Dizzy Gillespie back in the 60’s.

“Of Things to Come” was the first song to really catch my attention on the album.  I was already blown away by the playing, but had yet to hear anything that really grabbed me.  Then this track came on and I was mesmerized.  I think I played this one on loop for nearly a month after hearing it.  I own another five albums, four solo and one collaboration by Stefon and I must say I am truly impressed.  I would have to put him as my favorite vibraphonist and in my top ten favorite Jazz Musicians.

The band on this are no slouches either.  Every player is masterful.  Greg Osby is playing Alto Saxophone and he also is at the moment one of the hottest jazz altoist on the market.  Listen to the infliction of his solo on this track.  The guy fucking burns.  On trombone you have one of my former jazz mentors, Steve Turre, who in his own right may be the best living Latin jazz trombonist at the moment.  I have had the opportunity to perform with Mr. Turre a few times in my life and if you think he blows on the trombone you need to hear what he can do with a conch shell.   As for the rest of the group they kill it too although I am unfamiliar with any of those cats.

I could go on and on about this tune but I would rather have you just listen to it.  Enjoy and please let me know your thoughts on the song, the playing, the style, or even the new direction of Groonin’ High in the comments.  I am always stoked for feedback.

Now Listen to this and tell me there is not a big difference in musicality.  If you can’t understand the difference please stop reading my blog.

“Before you came into my life I missed you so bad…So Call Me Maybe”  Now if that is not great American song writing I don’t know what is.  Rodgers and Hart, Gershwin, you guys have nothing on this tune! FTW…

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Missing You: Alfie’s Never Ending Plight For a Full Time Companion

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2012| 2 Comments »

The first UCB of the quarter goes to, surprise, suprise none other then Kooky Kyle.  The man the myth, the UCB Legend.  A man who’s obscene head of hair in its massive lusciousness ate a hair net.  Shit that thing may have eaten a small fucking child at one point.  He posed the topic: Who do I think Alfie misses the most?  For his efforts he gets 1.5pts and he also nailed a bonus question in the surflog earning him one bonus point.  The kid already is starting out with 2.5pts.  Don’t let him walk away with another quarter and thus another victory.  The kid is already a member of the Lisanti royal court and has a passport to Lisanti Land.  Step it up people there are eight more weeks in this quarter, two Power of Tens up for grabs and at least ten bonus points currently floating around.

Hide the wife, hide the kids, Kooky’s hair is loose.

Alfie as if you did not follow this blog is my disgruntled little bastard of a black cat that happens to be my black cat, my personal cross to bear, my proverbial blue ox so to speak.  If an animal could consciously commit suicide I think Alfie would have ended his miserable existence two years ago.  Shit the cat was addicted to heroin for like six months, but since has weened off it very nice and looks like a normal cat again.  As my buddy West put it back in December “That cat will haunt my dreams for eternity”.  West’s Adventure Tour got really out of hand you can read about it here: Part I, Part II, Part III.  There are a ton of new people here as of late and if you missed these three gems it is some serious entertainment and shows just exactly how out of control a Lisanti Adventure can get.  Just ask Micheala who almost killed me and is coming back for round two in just a few short weeks.

I guess the best way to go about this is to give a quick history on Alfie’s background.  He started off in Lincroft, New Jersey where he was born an ally cat and abandoned by his mother in the middle of a terrible blizzard.  My mother’s friend John saved the litter from near death and nursed them back to health.  He did not want a litter of kittens already having too my cats of his own.  My mother convinced my ex-wife Sindia and I into taking one.  We did and Alfie had a happy home.  A year later we adopted another cat from the same mother, black also, Alfie’s Step brother Turtle, circa 2003?  Maybe Sindia can shed some light on the time table if she ever reads this.

Alfie and Turtle Circa 05


The four of us lived very happily for a couple of years in this dilapidated little beach bungalow Sindia and I rented from my parents for $500 a month.  The place was haggard and really tiny but life was really good there.  Now that I am older looking back those may have been the best few years of my life.  I think Sindia may feel the same.  Things were very simple back then.  It literally was my “Walden”.  There were wild parties, late night skate sessions on the ghetto backyard half pipe, swims off the dock, wild ducks, horseshoe crabs, crazy old lady neighbors, and lots and lots of surfing.

One of those awesome backyard sessions at the Bungalow.

Times changed and my parents decided to build another “dream house” of theirs on the lot where my bungalow existed.  The place was scheduled for demolition and just before I threw a sledge hammer party that nearly ended in the death of all its participants when Bojangles and I knocked out the main support to the roof.  I wrote a rather good blog about such back in the Myspace.com days.  If someone goes and finds it and posts the entire blog in the comments, not just the link but the actually text I will give you three extra points.  Click here to start your search.

From there we moved to a really nice colonial duplex in Spring Lake, NJ.  My marriage was on some serious thin ice between my constant traveling for surfing, her constant traveling for science and finishing her PHD in Chemical Oceanography things just were not as they were.  The cats could sense it.  We took in this crazy guy Jason as a roommate who was highly recommended by my asshole friend Adam.  Turns out the guy was a complete nut job and that is saying a lot since I walk a very fine line of sanity myself.  We also had this roommate Crystal who worked as a veterinarian’s assistant and as a result had like thirty different pets in her room.  She had this cage of ferrets that should let out and they would just reek havoc on Alfie.

The little fucks would back him into a corner and then just bring him down.  It was terrible but really funny at the same time.  Turtle on the other hand would not even come out from under the bed.  I came home from a surf trip and she had pets every where, there was a chick and a duck in my bath tube.  The place smelled like a farm. She had to go.  Crazy Jason threatened me with violence as he threw the cats’ litter box out of the second story window.  He had to go.  I don’t think Alfie missed either of them all that much.

Then there was this polish immigrant, Conrad living there, who actually really liked Alfie and this marble cutter, Dave, who chain smoked cigarettes and bud all day long renting the place, while I was traveling all over to trying and make it in surfing and Sindia had moved to Australia.  Meanwhile both cats were under Conrad’s care.  I was in Santa Barbara by this time and I got reports that things were not going so well for my cats back in NJ.  As a result I flew home and closed up shop there, had the cats shipped to California and was done with it.  I do not think he missed those guys either.  

I picked up two very bewildered Cats up at the LAX loading docks a few weeks later and brought them to what is now the current Lisanti Palace.  At the time gay Lucas the giant was living here and I don’t believe him or Alfie gave a shit about one another.  Then Brennan and I moved in together.  He  lost my cats in a drunken pass out mishap.  Alfie returned shortly while Turtle after many failed capture attempts was never to be seen again.  You can read about that adventure in The Great Escape from Mission Street. I think Alfie may have been fond of Brennan cause he got rid of Turtle for him and I believe Alfie never cared for that sorry excuse of a cat anyway.  With any luck Turtle got devoured by a coyote.  

Then Alf and I moved back to the Lisanti Palace although at that time it was under the reign of my former roommate and brother from another mother Cory.  Although allergic to felines Cory had no problem with Alfie and since he did nothing but sit around on the couch and drink beer all day I think the two of them got along famously.  After Cory, Adrienne moved in.  She payed a ton of attention to him and the waste of space she was spend the bulk of her weekends just sitting around on the couch from what I have been told staring at the walls.  Alfie loves a good friend on the couch.  

Ades brought this bullshit kitten I so endearingly called Mustafa since she never named him. I think she still actually calls him Kitty.  Real creative you stupid bitch. Yeah I am having one of those weeks so deal with it.  Mustafa terrorized the shit out of Alfie and wrecked my apartment.  Shortly after, Ades decided she liked short fat bald old guys better then me, yet failed to inform me of that decision ultimately ending things in a mess.  The event leaving me in my current state of rapture.  Alfie definitely did not miss Mustafa.  He did miss Adrienne a bit.  

Mauriello lived here briefly but he used to fuck with Alfie all the time so I am pretty sure Alfie was not all that broken up about his departure.  Heroin Bryan was never around all that much so I am sure Alf did not care a bit about him.  Sleepy Time Nick helped Alfie get his dope so he probably misses him a bit.  Rye Guy who occupied the couch for like four months was pretty kind to Alfie.  Alfie loved kooky Kyle and never left that dudes side the whole time he was out here. I think he likes Danny my new roommate since Dan has an affinity with picking all of Alfie’s flea bite scabs.  Charlie Sean got along famously with the alfster as well.

So who does Alfie miss the most after all that?  My first thought would have been Sindia.  Then on further thought I doubt he even remembers her.  Its been over five years.  I barely remember her.  If I keep drinking the way I am I should be able to erase every trace.  Its sort of like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”.   In all seriousness I really did love my ex-wife and we had some amazing times I hope to never forget.  

Alfie misses me the most.  That’s right.  When I am at work or away for a few days all he does is walk around the house crying.  When I come home from work he is sitting in front of the door waiting for me even if Dan has already fed him.  As I write this he is happily sitting on my lap.  You know why?  Cause after all these years I have stood by him.  I took care of him and always gave him a home.  He knows with me he will always be safe and he respects such loyalty.  You can say lots of bad things about me but the one thing you cant shake a stick at is the extent I will go to take care of and protect the ones I love.

Alfie eternally standing by my side just like Sir Gawain in “The Knight with the Lion” One of my all time favorite King Arthur tales.

 

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Dating in the Year 2012: How to Meet the Person of Your Dreams

Posted in Anger, Dating, Deep Thoughts, Life, News From Lisanti Land, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2012| 16 Comments »

For some reason I feel a bit gypped being it is 2012.  Were we not suppose to have flying cars by now, wearing futuristic clothing  with strange rings round different parts of the outfit and I’m pretty sure we should have had robots doing all our work for us?  So much for that shit.  If the world does not end in December I am going to royally be let down this year.

I have not written too much as of late.  My excuse this time around is that I just feel sort of bored with my life.  Trying this normal “real life” thing and doing what I’m “suppose to do” really leaves a lack time for adventuring and a paling few opportunities for spontaneity, two aspects of my life that I have constantly thrived on, well since birth actually. Don’t get me wrong I am digging this “settling down becoming a useful member of society” idea.

I guess its fun to have to go to work five days out of the week.  Who really liked all that free time anyway?  NOT ME…NO! I love to sweat it out for eight hours a day in a hot kitchen serving some other guys dreams while burning my hands and arms.  All so I can be told I forgot the sauce, or the cheese or this side, or “this steak is not well done enough”.  Bitch if I cooked it any longer it would have been a piece of mother fucking charcoal!

Now that I got that off my chest this new mundane life of surfing the same shitty breaks, in the same shitty town, in the same shitty state, in the same shitty country has caused a sort of mental paralysis.  I literally have had blog writers block if such a thing is possible.  Then I gave my life a bit more consideration and realized that even though I am living like everyone else my life still manages to be crazy and intense.  Just going to the bank and grocery store at times produce ridiculous stories.

Rather then just write the surflog and the occasional UCB (which by the way has been rather sterile as of late, get those power of ten lists in for July) I have decided I am going to write about the adventures I have in my vain attempt at social normality.  Its usually a collection of great moments of failure.  The first subject I would like to write on is dating in today’s I’m too busy, high paced, smart phone society.  As most of you know I have been single now for just about a year and unfortunately have had to partake in the world of adult dating.

Meeting Members of the Opposite Sex

I use the term adult dating to describe dating after college years.  Once you get out of school meeting people becomes quite the challenge, at least for me anyway.  When your young there are plenty of social circles one exists in where there are plenty of opportunities to meet new and different people.  Those people introduce you to others and so on and so forth.  By pure probability of the social circle system there is a decent chance of meeting a member of the opposite sex who you may click with.

As an adult those circles get smaller and tighter.  While new ones become nearly impossible to penetrate.  If you have a group of friends you have been hanging out with for twenty years and you bring in a new person that poor schmuck has a lot of catching up to do.  Its hard trust me.  There is only so long you can pretend to find inside jokes that you are on the outside of funny before you get fed up and go your own way.  It sucks when your that guy people have to constantly be explaining what is going on and who is who to.

The Bar

Then there is the bar/club.  This is my natural scene to meet people.  Why do you go out to such places?  To meet new people.  Face the facts why go out and spend the price of an entire bottle or six pack  for one drink if you just wanted to hang out with your friends and not meet anyone new?  You could stay home with all your friends and drink for a quarter of the price.   On paper this looks like the perfect scene for singles to go out and mingle.

Maybe at one time it was.  These days its a mess out there.  Your average person might go out a few times a month at best more times then not opting to stay home and sit around on the couch.  I love the rules of probability so I go out a few nights a week.  My attitude being nothing is sure as hell going to happen on my couch besides Alfie clawing the shit out of my legs.  Of course when you go out a bunch there is another probability statistic that holds true: becoming an alcoholic.    Its very easy my friends.  One drink turns into five, then shots next thing you know your being woken up at 4am by the cops cause you passed out against a gas pump.

The quality of people you meet here are for the most part less then stellar as well.  Drunks love drunks after all.  My buddy and I have this running rule now: No Regulars.  For me this is sort of an oxymoron cause we are regulars.  The idea being if a woman is out as much as we are then she most likely has bigger problems then us.  Basically we hang around looking for the women who have come out for some special occasion such as a holiday, birthday, wedding party, etc.  These girls are most likely decent people looking to have a good time and worth meeting and they don’t know that we are there all the time.

“Do you come here often” she asks.  “Never, this is only my third time at the Wild Cat” I reply as the bar tender hands me another rum and coke with out me having ordered it.  It just so happens everyone I know is at that bar by coincidence that night.  The other problem with the bar is the fact that when chicks go out they either put on their battle armor ready to fend off any suitor in their sights thanks in part to all the tools and douche bags out there who have ruined it for guys like myself.  Getting past this armor is a hard one.  If they don’t have their armor on then they have come out to get laid meaning come morning I am most likely never to see her again.

Yeah, the club does have some fringe benefits 😉

The Grocery Store

This is a place I have just recently come to embrace for meeting women at.  For starters there are tons of women at the super market.  I am personally a terrible opener.  I never  know what to say and most times when I do try I feel like I am just being bothersome, get flushed and quickly walk away as fast as I approached.  At the grocery store I am the man.

I’m a  chef. I know food and wine.  No matter what section of the store I’m in if I see a woman looking at a certain item and she seems a bit confused I add my two cents.  More times then not it leads into a conversation.  Then I always blow it by not getting any digits.  I like to leave things up to fate that way.  I think if I see her again it was meant to be and I will ask for her number at that time.  This system is double flawed.  My short term memory and face recognition is spotty at best and odds of running into her again slim.  Its a lose lose for me.

The Beach

There was a time when I was a professional surfer and I killed it on the beach.  All I had to do was get out of the water and chicks would flock to me.  These days I don’t have stickers on my board any more and therefore when I get out am just another average schmo.   Yeah I still rip, but most women have no idea what good surfing is.  Its been my understanding that in general they think who ever rode the wave the longest got the best ride even if that meant riding the white water all the way to the beach.  Whenever I take a chick who knows little about surfing down to the beach with me all she says is “why did you keep falling” or “your rides were so short”.  “Look at that guy he has been riding his waves all the way in” as she points to some kook on a soft top flailing his way in on the soap…FML.

Besides surfing I have no beach game what so ever.  I think this is mainly because I am not a bro.  Also I have chicken legs thus shorts are not flattering to me.  One looks like an idiot on the beach in a pair of jeans.  Here in Santa Barbara there are no surf able waves on our beaches most of the time and zero in the summer when chicks actually go to the beach.  The surfing approach just does not work.

Maybe if I looked as sexy as this guy my beach game would be better. Hold on a second isn’t that the dude my ex girlfriend left me for? hmmmmm

The Coffee Shop

My buddy Mark thoroughly believes in this approach.  Its true there are tons of woman at coffee shops just hanging out.  Next to the bar I would have to think they are the second best casual social meccas.  I have a problem.  I don’t drink coffee. The caffeine makes me crazy.  I am a naturally hyper person to begin with.  Throw in the caffeine and I get neurotic and even at times am prone to have anxiety attacks.  Between the two It makes me rather unattractive.  Me on coffee:

Library, Gym, rec-center, church, parks

Although I love books and reading I do not like the library.  Taking out books is such a hassle.  Then I always forget to return them, lose or damage the material thus that “free” book became more then it would have cost to buy it.  Here in Santa Barbara the library has become the headquarters for the homeless.  I think we all know how I feel about bummery.  Yes bummery is not a word.  You can quote me on that: Bummery – the act of vagrancy.  Honestly I rarely see good looking chicks in the library and they come there to read not be bothered by dudes looking to get in their pants.

I don’t work out and even if I do don’t develop muscle tone.  I would rather just go surfing, skating or on a hike for my exercise.  I do like cute girls in spandex though.  Believe it or not I actually tried the gym briefly last summer on a one month free trial membership I got from Spectrum when I worked with FRS.  I did not meet any one and mostly got yelled at for misusing the equipment.  Eventually I got tired of the ridiculous amount of old men walking around the locker room butt naked with their shriveled up figs dangling about.

The reason I gave up on the gym…

What the fuck is a rec-center.  Do they even exists anymore, seriously.  If they do and they are filled with eligible hot single women please my readers enlighten me.  I will reward you by building a statue of your likeness out of a block of Wisconsin cheddar cheese.  They are more likely just to be filled with more naked old men walking around with their shriveled up figs.

I tried the church thing.  For the most part churches are full of beautiful good hearted single women.  The draw back is most of these women want to get married.  I don’t really have a problem with that per say, second times a charm right.  I do have a problem with the fact that the majority of these girls wont have sex with me until that marriage takes place and then some don’t believe in contraception.  Although I would like to have children some day I would like it to be planned and limited.  Oh and for whatever reason they are against drinking, partying and just about everything else that is fun. One thing that is for certain about churches is the likely hood of running into naked old men is rare if any.

Parks are cool.  I love a nice park.  There is nothing like a good stroll through a nice park on a gorgeous summer day.  If I had a dog I would be golden.  Chicks love dogs.  Then again I don’t really want to walk around picking up dog shit in a little baggie and then having to carry that around till I find a trash receptacle.  As much as chicks dig a guy with a dog I do not believe they fancy a guy who picks up shit and then carries it around  with him in a little baggie.  My dog would probably be gnarly and eat some little kid on the play ground.  Then authorities would shot him on sight and then me cause I wouldn’t let them take me alive.    Maybe its best if I just stayed at home with Alf.  Plus I once saw an old homeless guy drop his pants and take a shit against a tree in a park once.  That breaches both my homeless and old man fig problem.

The Internet

I don’t do the online thing.  A bunch of people have recommended some great sites for me to try.  I have heard countless success stories.  On the other hand I have heard countless horror stories as well.  What if I just end up having some weirdo old man send me a picture of his figs? I know it is the “way of the future” for people to meet.  It seems really unnatural and forced to me, borderline desperate?  I know I am old fashioned but what happened to meeting someone awesome in your day to day and having dinner?  That is actually going to be our next segment in this new series.

I have messed around with the Craigslist personals.  That shit is fucking gnarly.  You want adventure start answering some of those adds.  Unlike match.com and those other accepted, safe dating sites craigslist is dangerous and you never know who or what you are going to meet.  Anyone who is willing to put themselves on that forum is got guts and worthy of my time.  Believe me I have been on some interesting craigslist dates to say the least.  Needless to say I am still single.

Singles Mixers

Yep I have tried some of these too.  If you think internet dating is bad this is far worse.  On the whole it is a collection of busted ass people thrown together in a somewhat hostile setting.  Its almost like going to a stud farm.  There is always more dudes then chicks there.  Then we are all thrown into the coral together with alcohol.  It is sort of like the bar but with bright lighting.  I did two of such events saw just about the same people at both, drank my two complementary drinks and went to the Wild Cat.  Mostly if was old men walking around with their figs safely concealed in their trousers.

I hope you found some humor in this.  If you are single then you see that you are not alone my friends.  Even a person as wonderfully man pretty as myself  cant nab a girl friend to save his life.  For whatever reason I don’t think this blog helps my case.  Oh well if they can’t accept me for who I am then I don’t want any.  Look for more dating fun in another segment soon.

With a face like this I am always in constant wonderment why the ladies stay away. I know what it is: My good looks and charm are too intimidating for them.

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Of Things to Come…

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Life, News From Lisanti Land, Surfing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2012| 13 Comments »

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone although it is sort of a bull shit holiday that has been over dramatized and commercialized by America in order to sell tequila and cheap shitty Mexican beer.  Seriously Mexicans don’t even really celebrate it.  Many believe today is Mexican Independence Day.  If you thought such you would be wrong .  Mexican Independence Day is actually September 16th.  Cinco de Mayo actually celebrates some battle the Mexican Army won against the French in 1862.  Now it is just another bullshit drinking holiday so that the general public can feel better about going out and getting absolutely shit faced.  

I for one was planning on jumping on the bandwagon.  I mean who am I to pass up an excuse to drink?  Then as I thought about all the fucking idiot amateurs that were going to be out tonight, the incessant lines and excessive cover charges for that reason I quickly got over it.  I went out last night and had an average time at best.  I think I will leave tonight to all fools who need an excuse to get drunk rather then be honest with themselves that they enjoy to get plastered from time to time.   What is with all these drinking holidays falling on a weekend this year?  First St. Pats, now Cinco de Mayo.  They are way more fun on weekdays so everyone who works a normal Monday through Friday week can feel what its like to work the entire day with hangover like us weekend workers do.

America Fuck Yeah!

 

Enough about tonight before I change my mind and cruise to the bar with the idiots and on to my initial reason for writing.  A blog ago or so I wrote about my current lot in life and feelings (see Food for Thought).  In this blog I am going to explore some of my thoughts about moving forward in life.  Take some stock in the direction I would like to see things move for me.  

The Path to Enlightenment

“Before enlightenment, chop wood carry water.  After enlightenment, chop wood carry water”.  This is an old Buddhist proverb I picked up in the brief survey I gave to the study of the religion.  I took from them what suited me and left behind the organization.  My religious views are not to be explored in this blog.  I feel this is a really good mantra to try and follow.  One who is truly enlightened knows he must keep at the path that got him to that point.  

I am constantly striving to find out more about myself, who I am, what I am about and what I am capable of.  I don’t believe many understand such entities of themselves or want to for that matter.  When you start digging into your mind, heart and soul honestly there is much there that is amazing, alarming and somewhat a bit unsettling.  Once you open the flood gates its not like you can turn back.  You must keep moving forward.  I have discovered a bunch about myself in the past few years and even more over the last year.  

The more I learn the less I know. “The wise man knows that he knows nothing at all”.  One thing I do know is that I know what I stand for as a person and what I do not.  I also know that I will not compromise this for anyone or anything and I never have.  I rocked long hair for nearly 16 years despite pressure from my ex-wife, family, society, jobs, etc.  Yeah I finally did cut my hair, but for me.  I entered a new chapter in my life and wanted a new hairstyle to go with it.  I plan on continuing this existential journey through my character and how it interacts both positive and adverse in our society making adjustments where necessary to suit me and no one else.  No one can tell you what you need or want besides you.  That my friends is how I intend to live out my days. 

The Short List
 

These are some things I wish to accomplish over the coming months or at the very least better myself in.  If you don’t have some type of direction then you are just running around like dog chasing his tail.  Here is to moving vertically.

Get Back into Music
I play the saxophones rather well and enjoy doing it.  At one point it was my job and that basically ruined the whole thing for me.  After a very short stint in that industry I burnt out and went rouge.  That was over ten years ago.  I have never stopped playing.  I did a little work last summer in the musical theatre genre that was a blast (see “A Trip Back East” Blog for more on that).  I really want to get back into Jazz.  I’m not even talking about performance.  I would just love to meet a few like minded people who would be stoked on pulling out a real book and blowing from time to time.  So if your in the Santa Barbara area and have a yearning to play some of that Jazz music please hit me up.

Learn to Speak Italian
This is more of a necessity to go with one of my other more long term directions, which I will discuss later on.  I am not sure as of late how to accomplish this task.  At the moment I am leading towards taking classes at Santa Barbara City College.  I was also thinking about trying some of those language tapes as well.  Any suggestions would be very helpful.  Maybe I will just kidnap an Italian, lock him/her in my hall closet, force feed him/her cat food and speak conversational Italian with me on a daily basis.  I could def think of one Italian here in SB that deserves such treatment.
 

Go Surfing As Much As Possible
This plan has already been put into action.  I have been really lazy as far as surfing is concerned over the past year.  Yeah I don’t do it competitively or professionally anymore, but it is my best source of enjoyment, exercise and therapy.  I know we are steadily approaching our off season here in the 805.  There are still plenty of waves that can be enjoyed by the intrepid and willing.  I was once both and want to be once again.  Its always more fun when your out there.  Visit the surf log for my daily surfing escapades and more.

Time to get my grovel on…

Read More Books
I have been very, very lazy on the reading front.  I used get to read nearly two novels a month.  Now I am down to around three a year.  This really puts a damper on my thirst to read as many great works of literature as possible.  I have a rather extensive collection of classics many of which I have sadly yet to read.  

Write More
This one goes all around from blogging, to my novel, to another writing project I have been working, to a possible cooking show my buddy and I are working on pitching, to short stories. I am also in the process of a SurfingRuinedMyLife.net redesign.   

Explore more of the greater Santa Barbara Area
It was not long ago, maybe two years to be somewhat exact that my boy Brennan and I set out to attack a list of 101 free things to do in Santa Barbara.  In the process we did and saw many really fun and amazing things.  Since then I have still been striking out to explore my home albeit not as frequently.  There are plenty of places with in a fifty mile radius or so that I have to check off my list and this may be the summer for it.  No matter what I’m sure you will get to read about the results here.

Just another Santa Barbara Adventure!

 Finish the Coffee Table
Ok this project has been going on for almost two years now and the odds of its completion slim, me ruining it in the attempt very good or finding a better one on craigslist most likely.  You never know at the moment I am feeling very ambitious. We never thought the renovations on the Lisanti Palace would come to pass either.

The current state of my coffee table:(

 

Drink and Party Less
How am I going to accomplish all this you ask?  Well one of the things I am going to cut out is the number of hours I spend per week getting hammered both downtown and at home.  When you drink and party all night you sleep and are sick all day or even days depending. The amount of money such a life style amounts to is preposterous.   That does not mean I am going all Mormon on you.  All it means is I am going to bring things down to a safer more manageable level before I end up dead by 40.  Everything in moderation after all.

The high life…Looks enticing huh? Its not all its cracked up to be.

Grow a Mustache

I DON’T THINK SO…Been there done that scared myself and everyone around me for one week too long.

That is the meat of what I think the “Summer of Alf” (what I am billing the summer of 2012) is going to be all about.  Stay tuned for some of my long term accomplishments soon…And of course regular updates, departments and other fun from Lisanti Land.


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