Posts Tagged ‘Black Cats’

The first UCB of the quarter goes to, surprise, suprise none other then Kooky Kyle.  The man the myth, the UCB Legend.  A man who’s obscene head of hair in its massive lusciousness ate a hair net.  Shit that thing may have eaten a small fucking child at one point.  He posed the topic: Who do I think Alfie misses the most?  For his efforts he gets 1.5pts and he also nailed a bonus question in the surflog earning him one bonus point.  The kid already is starting out with 2.5pts.  Don’t let him walk away with another quarter and thus another victory.  The kid is already a member of the Lisanti royal court and has a passport to Lisanti Land.  Step it up people there are eight more weeks in this quarter, two Power of Tens up for grabs and at least ten bonus points currently floating around.

Hide the wife, hide the kids, Kooky’s hair is loose.

Alfie as if you did not follow this blog is my disgruntled little bastard of a black cat that happens to be my black cat, my personal cross to bear, my proverbial blue ox so to speak.  If an animal could consciously commit suicide I think Alfie would have ended his miserable existence two years ago.  Shit the cat was addicted to heroin for like six months, but since has weened off it very nice and looks like a normal cat again.  As my buddy West put it back in December “That cat will haunt my dreams for eternity”.  West’s Adventure Tour got really out of hand you can read about it here: Part I, Part II, Part III.  There are a ton of new people here as of late and if you missed these three gems it is some serious entertainment and shows just exactly how out of control a Lisanti Adventure can get.  Just ask Micheala who almost killed me and is coming back for round two in just a few short weeks.

I guess the best way to go about this is to give a quick history on Alfie’s background.  He started off in Lincroft, New Jersey where he was born an ally cat and abandoned by his mother in the middle of a terrible blizzard.  My mother’s friend John saved the litter from near death and nursed them back to health.  He did not want a litter of kittens already having too my cats of his own.  My mother convinced my ex-wife Sindia and I into taking one.  We did and Alfie had a happy home.  A year later we adopted another cat from the same mother, black also, Alfie’s Step brother Turtle, circa 2003?  Maybe Sindia can shed some light on the time table if she ever reads this.

Alfie and Turtle Circa 05

The four of us lived very happily for a couple of years in this dilapidated little beach bungalow Sindia and I rented from my parents for $500 a month.  The place was haggard and really tiny but life was really good there.  Now that I am older looking back those may have been the best few years of my life.  I think Sindia may feel the same.  Things were very simple back then.  It literally was my “Walden”.  There were wild parties, late night skate sessions on the ghetto backyard half pipe, swims off the dock, wild ducks, horseshoe crabs, crazy old lady neighbors, and lots and lots of surfing.

One of those awesome backyard sessions at the Bungalow.

Times changed and my parents decided to build another “dream house” of theirs on the lot where my bungalow existed.  The place was scheduled for demolition and just before I threw a sledge hammer party that nearly ended in the death of all its participants when Bojangles and I knocked out the main support to the roof.  I wrote a rather good blog about such back in the Myspace.com days.  If someone goes and finds it and posts the entire blog in the comments, not just the link but the actually text I will give you three extra points.  Click here to start your search.

From there we moved to a really nice colonial duplex in Spring Lake, NJ.  My marriage was on some serious thin ice between my constant traveling for surfing, her constant traveling for science and finishing her PHD in Chemical Oceanography things just were not as they were.  The cats could sense it.  We took in this crazy guy Jason as a roommate who was highly recommended by my asshole friend Adam.  Turns out the guy was a complete nut job and that is saying a lot since I walk a very fine line of sanity myself.  We also had this roommate Crystal who worked as a veterinarian’s assistant and as a result had like thirty different pets in her room.  She had this cage of ferrets that should let out and they would just reek havoc on Alfie.

The little fucks would back him into a corner and then just bring him down.  It was terrible but really funny at the same time.  Turtle on the other hand would not even come out from under the bed.  I came home from a surf trip and she had pets every where, there was a chick and a duck in my bath tube.  The place smelled like a farm. She had to go.  Crazy Jason threatened me with violence as he threw the cats’ litter box out of the second story window.  He had to go.  I don’t think Alfie missed either of them all that much.

Then there was this polish immigrant, Conrad living there, who actually really liked Alfie and this marble cutter, Dave, who chain smoked cigarettes and bud all day long renting the place, while I was traveling all over to trying and make it in surfing and Sindia had moved to Australia.  Meanwhile both cats were under Conrad’s care.  I was in Santa Barbara by this time and I got reports that things were not going so well for my cats back in NJ.  As a result I flew home and closed up shop there, had the cats shipped to California and was done with it.  I do not think he missed those guys either.  

I picked up two very bewildered Cats up at the LAX loading docks a few weeks later and brought them to what is now the current Lisanti Palace.  At the time gay Lucas the giant was living here and I don’t believe him or Alfie gave a shit about one another.  Then Brennan and I moved in together.  He  lost my cats in a drunken pass out mishap.  Alfie returned shortly while Turtle after many failed capture attempts was never to be seen again.  You can read about that adventure in The Great Escape from Mission Street. I think Alfie may have been fond of Brennan cause he got rid of Turtle for him and I believe Alfie never cared for that sorry excuse of a cat anyway.  With any luck Turtle got devoured by a coyote.  

Then Alf and I moved back to the Lisanti Palace although at that time it was under the reign of my former roommate and brother from another mother Cory.  Although allergic to felines Cory had no problem with Alfie and since he did nothing but sit around on the couch and drink beer all day I think the two of them got along famously.  After Cory, Adrienne moved in.  She payed a ton of attention to him and the waste of space she was spend the bulk of her weekends just sitting around on the couch from what I have been told staring at the walls.  Alfie loves a good friend on the couch.  

Ades brought this bullshit kitten I so endearingly called Mustafa since she never named him. I think she still actually calls him Kitty.  Real creative you stupid bitch. Yeah I am having one of those weeks so deal with it.  Mustafa terrorized the shit out of Alfie and wrecked my apartment.  Shortly after, Ades decided she liked short fat bald old guys better then me, yet failed to inform me of that decision ultimately ending things in a mess.  The event leaving me in my current state of rapture.  Alfie definitely did not miss Mustafa.  He did miss Adrienne a bit.  

Mauriello lived here briefly but he used to fuck with Alfie all the time so I am pretty sure Alfie was not all that broken up about his departure.  Heroin Bryan was never around all that much so I am sure Alf did not care a bit about him.  Sleepy Time Nick helped Alfie get his dope so he probably misses him a bit.  Rye Guy who occupied the couch for like four months was pretty kind to Alfie.  Alfie loved kooky Kyle and never left that dudes side the whole time he was out here. I think he likes Danny my new roommate since Dan has an affinity with picking all of Alfie’s flea bite scabs.  Charlie Sean got along famously with the alfster as well.

So who does Alfie miss the most after all that?  My first thought would have been Sindia.  Then on further thought I doubt he even remembers her.  Its been over five years.  I barely remember her.  If I keep drinking the way I am I should be able to erase every trace.  Its sort of like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”.   In all seriousness I really did love my ex-wife and we had some amazing times I hope to never forget.  

Alfie misses me the most.  That’s right.  When I am at work or away for a few days all he does is walk around the house crying.  When I come home from work he is sitting in front of the door waiting for me even if Dan has already fed him.  As I write this he is happily sitting on my lap.  You know why?  Cause after all these years I have stood by him.  I took care of him and always gave him a home.  He knows with me he will always be safe and he respects such loyalty.  You can say lots of bad things about me but the one thing you cant shake a stick at is the extent I will go to take care of and protect the ones I love.

Alfie eternally standing by my side just like Sir Gawain in “The Knight with the Lion” One of my all time favorite King Arthur tales.


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Before I get into writing this blog or reposting it rather let me just say that Kooky Kyle is a mother fucking internet animal and SurfingRuinedMyLife.net all star of all stars.  Last night I threw out a challenge to all my readers and UCB enthusiasts alike to go back into the Lisanti Blog Myspace archives and dig out the blog I wrote back in October of 2009 about the painful loss of my cats Alfie and Turtle of which only one returned (Alfie) and post it in the comments.  Well sure enough who got down and dirty and pulled it up; none other then the phantasmagorical mad man Kooky Kyle.  For his efforts he will be awarded two UCB points, not like he really needs them to stay on top anyway.

I for one am totally appreciative for his efforts.  Thanks buddy, your the man.  I promise if you actually make it out to Santa Barbara this year to take extra care that your Chris Lisanti Adventure Tour is all that and a bag of chips. So the following blog was posted on October 24 2009: (as usual notes I jot down in Red was added to give my thoughts on the issue at this most current posting)

About almost three weeks ago or so my cats escaped from my wholesome abode thanks impart to my roommate Brennan getting drunk and passing out with the door wide open on a Friday night. He calls me at like 4:30am frantic and still rather drunk, all upset that the cats were lost and I had to come home and find them. I replied “Dude its 4:30am your drunk, Im tired as hell, its pitch black outside, we don’t have a flashlight and they are black cats. Go to sleep its not going to happen tonight”. I was really banking on them coming back in the morning as they always have in the past when an escape takes place.

In Brennan’s defense my lazy ass never got around to fixing the front door, which due to some rotting wood was tricky to stay closed in the frame (remember that mental check list I referred to a few weeks ago in Groovin’ High? Well this was one of the things that was on it). Heck it is hard to close that door sober let alone shit faced. It took me about three weeks to realize this fact. Initially I wanted to kick the door to his room in and hack him to pieces with an ax Dostoyevsky style (at the time I was engrossed in reading Crime and Punishment, a master piece in Literature by the way). Since then he has long since redeemed himself. Im glad that is the case I really did not want to have clean up that mess and then drive all over town dumping his individually bagged body parts in random garbage pails, although I probably would have eaten some part of his remains just to see what human tastes like. I bet it just tastes like chicken anyway.

Alfie as expected came home in time for breakfast the next morning and has been home and safe ever since. Turtle however has not been so easy. For a period of about a week he lurked around the premises running under the house every time an attempt for him to be caught was made. We had a chance one night when we cornered him in the garage, myself, Brennan and my neighbor, white trash Travis (this dude was a class A California red neck constantly working on this beat up 1960’s VW Bug, ass crack showing and all). Unfortunately I was a bit drunk after drinking 2 shots of jager and some rum after getting worked up about the whole cat situation and a not so stellar conversation with my mom about the situation. As usual the missing cat was all my fault cause Im irresponsible, a careless low life bum with out a real job. Yeah mom Im sure that is why he ran away you narcissistic bitch (no hostility there).

Net result was the cat gave us the slip by running out the back of a parked car, passed my drunk ass and then did a six foot vertical leap over a fence and was gone (to this day I have never seen a cat jump that high). Next day Travis and Brennan came through with raccoon traps. First night we caught a possum that freaked out and shit all over the place. The second night we successfully captured Turtle. I was not at home, but apparently Brennan brought him up stairs, let him out of the trap and Turtle as usual went nuts and then ran into my room. Brennan went to check on him and heard a tear. Turns out Turtle tore through the screen and jumped out the window. He has not been seen or heard from since.

We continued to put the traps out all week. We caught the same possum again. This time Brennan took him up to the Mission about a mile or so from our house, to prevent him from continuing to spring the traps and a very nice new home I might add, that is a very desirable neighborhood to live in. We did that little guy a favor. Yesterday we caught a skunk the exact scenario we had feared since the inception of the traps. After leaving him there for over 48 hours Brennan finally freed him this morning. The thing sprayed all over the place so now it stinks all around my house and when I left for work this afternoon the stupid beast was still in the trap.

After all this still no sight of Turtle.  At this point Im going to assume he has moved on to a better place (inside a Coyote’s belly), hopefully one still on this plane of existence. Monday I am going to check with all the local animal shelters to see if anyone has turned him in. Overall its pretty shitty since now I only have 50% of the cats I started out with and after I shelled out over a grand to get them both out here, moved off the Mesa for their sake and spent $50 in anti flea paraphernalia. Plus Turtle was like a son to me, sure he was a fucked up hairy little black kid, but mine none the less. Turtle where ever you are I hope your pimping it. I miss you buddy. Please come home.

As you may have figured Turtle never returned.  Since then Brennan and I are still friends and I no longer wish to kill and dismember him.  If you missed out on yesterday’s blog The Paradoxical Plight of the Eunuch Cat check it out cause it is sort of a type of precursor to this one.

Alfie and Turtle circa 2004

Turtle as a kitten, circa 2003

In addition to receiving extra UCB points Kooky also wins one "dont ask dont tell" weekend with this sexy creature. Its on its way to your place at this very moment Kooky!!!!

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