Posts Tagged ‘Transvestites in bathing suits’

Before I get into writing this blog or reposting it rather let me just say that Kooky Kyle is a mother fucking internet animal and SurfingRuinedMyLife.net all star of all stars.  Last night I threw out a challenge to all my readers and UCB enthusiasts alike to go back into the Lisanti Blog Myspace archives and dig out the blog I wrote back in October of 2009 about the painful loss of my cats Alfie and Turtle of which only one returned (Alfie) and post it in the comments.  Well sure enough who got down and dirty and pulled it up; none other then the phantasmagorical mad man Kooky Kyle.  For his efforts he will be awarded two UCB points, not like he really needs them to stay on top anyway.

I for one am totally appreciative for his efforts.  Thanks buddy, your the man.  I promise if you actually make it out to Santa Barbara this year to take extra care that your Chris Lisanti Adventure Tour is all that and a bag of chips. So the following blog was posted on October 24 2009: (as usual notes I jot down in Red was added to give my thoughts on the issue at this most current posting)

About almost three weeks ago or so my cats escaped from my wholesome abode thanks impart to my roommate Brennan getting drunk and passing out with the door wide open on a Friday night. He calls me at like 4:30am frantic and still rather drunk, all upset that the cats were lost and I had to come home and find them. I replied “Dude its 4:30am your drunk, Im tired as hell, its pitch black outside, we don’t have a flashlight and they are black cats. Go to sleep its not going to happen tonight”. I was really banking on them coming back in the morning as they always have in the past when an escape takes place.

In Brennan’s defense my lazy ass never got around to fixing the front door, which due to some rotting wood was tricky to stay closed in the frame (remember that mental check list I referred to a few weeks ago in Groovin’ High? Well this was one of the things that was on it). Heck it is hard to close that door sober let alone shit faced. It took me about three weeks to realize this fact. Initially I wanted to kick the door to his room in and hack him to pieces with an ax Dostoyevsky style (at the time I was engrossed in reading Crime and Punishment, a master piece in Literature by the way). Since then he has long since redeemed himself. Im glad that is the case I really did not want to have clean up that mess and then drive all over town dumping his individually bagged body parts in random garbage pails, although I probably would have eaten some part of his remains just to see what human tastes like. I bet it just tastes like chicken anyway.

Alfie as expected came home in time for breakfast the next morning and has been home and safe ever since. Turtle however has not been so easy. For a period of about a week he lurked around the premises running under the house every time an attempt for him to be caught was made. We had a chance one night when we cornered him in the garage, myself, Brennan and my neighbor, white trash Travis (this dude was a class A California red neck constantly working on this beat up 1960’s VW Bug, ass crack showing and all). Unfortunately I was a bit drunk after drinking 2 shots of jager and some rum after getting worked up about the whole cat situation and a not so stellar conversation with my mom about the situation. As usual the missing cat was all my fault cause Im irresponsible, a careless low life bum with out a real job. Yeah mom Im sure that is why he ran away you narcissistic bitch (no hostility there).

Net result was the cat gave us the slip by running out the back of a parked car, passed my drunk ass and then did a six foot vertical leap over a fence and was gone (to this day I have never seen a cat jump that high). Next day Travis and Brennan came through with raccoon traps. First night we caught a possum that freaked out and shit all over the place. The second night we successfully captured Turtle. I was not at home, but apparently Brennan brought him up stairs, let him out of the trap and Turtle as usual went nuts and then ran into my room. Brennan went to check on him and heard a tear. Turns out Turtle tore through the screen and jumped out the window. He has not been seen or heard from since.

We continued to put the traps out all week. We caught the same possum again. This time Brennan took him up to the Mission about a mile or so from our house, to prevent him from continuing to spring the traps and a very nice new home I might add, that is a very desirable neighborhood to live in. We did that little guy a favor. Yesterday we caught a skunk the exact scenario we had feared since the inception of the traps. After leaving him there for over 48 hours Brennan finally freed him this morning. The thing sprayed all over the place so now it stinks all around my house and when I left for work this afternoon the stupid beast was still in the trap.

After all this still no sight of Turtle.  At this point Im going to assume he has moved on to a better place (inside a Coyote’s belly), hopefully one still on this plane of existence. Monday I am going to check with all the local animal shelters to see if anyone has turned him in. Overall its pretty shitty since now I only have 50% of the cats I started out with and after I shelled out over a grand to get them both out here, moved off the Mesa for their sake and spent $50 in anti flea paraphernalia. Plus Turtle was like a son to me, sure he was a fucked up hairy little black kid, but mine none the less. Turtle where ever you are I hope your pimping it. I miss you buddy. Please come home.

As you may have figured Turtle never returned.  Since then Brennan and I are still friends and I no longer wish to kill and dismember him.  If you missed out on yesterday’s blog The Paradoxical Plight of the Eunuch Cat check it out cause it is sort of a type of precursor to this one.

Alfie and Turtle circa 2004

Turtle as a kitten, circa 2003

In addition to receiving extra UCB points Kooky also wins one "dont ask dont tell" weekend with this sexy creature. Its on its way to your place at this very moment Kooky!!!!

Read Full Post »