This week’s UCB makes a victor of John Mauriello with a topic that I was not going to write until my boy JD on his recent visit out here this week also brought up the same subject. What am I referring to? “Do you think Alfie is pissed off that he can’t have sex”? Believe it or not this topic comes up more times then not in my house when we are all sitting around shooting the shit.
If you don’t know who Alfie is by now then you’re either new to this blog or retarded. So just in case you’re in the dark here at SurfingRuinedMyLife.net let me enlighten you. Alfie is my all black cat, the remaining feline out of the two black cats I had shipped out here from New Jersey. Turtle the other cat escaped from my home when I lived up near the Santa Barbara Mission never to return again. Odds are he is probably living it up eating trash and the like, but I like to believe he got eaten by a coyote.
There were a good number of blogs on the great cat escape back in the Myspace.com days a year ago or so. If you missed them they are some where in the depths of my myspace.com profile of which I believe there is a link to on the home page of the site you are now on. It happened around November 2010 if you’re so inclined to go looking. Good luck. If you do find it copy and paste the entire blog into the comments of this blog and I will give you Two UCB points for this quarter!!!!!
So Alfie is now my remaining cat and is joined by his new partner in crime Mustafa (see Cat Calamity for more on who Mustafa is), whom consequently is also a eunuch. Honestly do I think Alfie is pissed off he cant have sex? My answer has to be absolutely not. I don’t even think he has the slightest inclination towards sexual desires what so ever. Alfie was neutered when he was only six weeks old or so.
Technically he never reached sexual maturity thus eliminating any desire to want sex. Now this was just my belief, but since I was sure there was definitely scientific research on the subject I did a little investigating. What I found is that 85% of all male cats neutered at a young age do not have sexual desires. There is a small group that on occasion some of the testicle is left inside the cat and in which case that cat would then still develop sex hormones. Alfie is not of the latter group.
I don’t believe that he is pissed off that he cannot have sex. Alfie in my opinion is rather happy and content in the microenvironment I have created for him. Besides Mustafa being a pain in his ass half of the time these days he has it as good as can be. He gets three solid yummy cat meals a day, Ades throws him the occasional cat treat and when ever Im carving meat that I am going to cook he gets all of the fatty ends and scrap. I would say as far as a cat’s life goes his is top notch.
Sex is the last thing on Alfie's mind
Speaking of Eunuchs here is a great clip from Mel Brook’s History of the World Part 1
What most likely became of Turtle 😦
This Lady may have eaten the Coyote afterward though.
Surfing Ruined My Life 
Let me just say fuck navigating myspace blogs.
October 24, 2009
“About almost three weeks ago or so my cats escaped from my wholesome abode thanks impart to my roommate Brennan getting drunk and passing out with the door wide open on a Friday night. He calls me at like 4:30am frantic and still rather drunk all upset that the cats were lost and I had to come home and find them. I replied “Dude its 4:30am your drunk, Im tired as hell, its pitch black outside, we don’t have a flashlight and they are black cats. Go to sleep its not going to happen tonight”. I was really banking on them coming back in the morning as they always have in the past when an escape takes place.
In Brennan’s defense my lazy ass never got around to fixing the front door, which due to some rotting wood was tricky to stay closed in the frame. Heck it is hard to close that door sober let alone shit faced. It took me about three weeks to realize this fact. Initially I wanted to kick the door to his room in and hack him to pieces with an ax Dostoyevsky style. Since then he has long since redeemed himself. Im glad that is the case I really did not want to have clean up that mess and then drive allover town dumping his individually bagged body parts all over town, although I probably would have eaten some part of his remains just to what human tastes like. I bet it just tastes like chicken anyway.
Alfie as expected came home in time for breakfast the next morning and has been home and safe ever since. Turtle however has not been so easy. For a period of about a week he lurked around the premises running under the house every time an attempt for him to be caught was made. We had a chance one night when we cornered him in the garage, myself, Brennan and my neighbor white trash Travis. Unfortunately I was a bit drunk after drinking 2 shots of jager and some rum after getting worked up about the whole cat situation and a not so stellar conversation with my mom about the situation. As usual the missing cat was all my fault cause Im irresponsible, a careless low life bum with out a real job. Yeah mom Im sure that is why he ran away you narcissistic bitch (no hostility there).
Net result was the cat gave us the slip by running out the back of a parked car, passed my drunk ass and then did a six foot vertical leap over a fence and was gone. Next day Travis and Brennan came through with raccoon traps. First night we caught a possum that freaked out and shit all over the place. The second night we successfully captured Turtle. I was not at home, but apparently Brennan brought him up stairs, let him out of the trap and Turtle as usual went nuts and then ran into my room. Brennan went to check on him and heard a tear. Turns out Turtle tore through the screen and jumped out the window. He has not been seen or heard from since.
We continued to put the traps out all week. We caught the same possum again. This time Brennan took him up to the Mission about a mile or so from our house, to prevent him from continue to spring the traps and a very nice new home I might add, that is a very desirable neighborhood to live in. We did that little guy a favor. Yesterday we caught a skunk the exact scenario we had feared since the inception of the traps. After leaving him there for over 48 hours Brennan finally freed him this morning. The thing sprayed all over the place so now it stinks all around my house and when I left for work this afternoon the stupid beast was still in the trap.
After all this still not sight of Turtle. At this point Im going to assume he has moved on to a better place, hopefully one still on this plane of existence. Monday I am going to check with all the local animal shelters to see if anyone has turned him in. Overall its pretty shitty since now I only have 50% of the cats I started out with and after I shelled out over a grand to get them both out here, moved off the Mesa for their sake and spent $50 in anti flea paraphernalia. Plus Turtle was like a son to me, sure he was a fucked up hairy little black kid, but mine none the less. Turtle where ever you are I hope your pimping it. I miss you buddy. Please come home. “
Oh, I know a few people who have eaten coyote. Apparently it is disgusting and the grossest thing ever, even worse than seagull(yes, I have some stranger friends, but I am friends with you so I guess that says something about both of us.)
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