Posts Tagged ‘Alfie’

The first UCB of the quarter goes to, surprise, suprise none other then Kooky Kyle.  The man the myth, the UCB Legend.  A man who’s obscene head of hair in its massive lusciousness ate a hair net.  Shit that thing may have eaten a small fucking child at one point.  He posed the topic: Who do I think Alfie misses the most?  For his efforts he gets 1.5pts and he also nailed a bonus question in the surflog earning him one bonus point.  The kid already is starting out with 2.5pts.  Don’t let him walk away with another quarter and thus another victory.  The kid is already a member of the Lisanti royal court and has a passport to Lisanti Land.  Step it up people there are eight more weeks in this quarter, two Power of Tens up for grabs and at least ten bonus points currently floating around.

Hide the wife, hide the kids, Kooky’s hair is loose.

Alfie as if you did not follow this blog is my disgruntled little bastard of a black cat that happens to be my black cat, my personal cross to bear, my proverbial blue ox so to speak.  If an animal could consciously commit suicide I think Alfie would have ended his miserable existence two years ago.  Shit the cat was addicted to heroin for like six months, but since has weened off it very nice and looks like a normal cat again.  As my buddy West put it back in December “That cat will haunt my dreams for eternity”.  West’s Adventure Tour got really out of hand you can read about it here: Part I, Part II, Part III.  There are a ton of new people here as of late and if you missed these three gems it is some serious entertainment and shows just exactly how out of control a Lisanti Adventure can get.  Just ask Micheala who almost killed me and is coming back for round two in just a few short weeks.

I guess the best way to go about this is to give a quick history on Alfie’s background.  He started off in Lincroft, New Jersey where he was born an ally cat and abandoned by his mother in the middle of a terrible blizzard.  My mother’s friend John saved the litter from near death and nursed them back to health.  He did not want a litter of kittens already having too my cats of his own.  My mother convinced my ex-wife Sindia and I into taking one.  We did and Alfie had a happy home.  A year later we adopted another cat from the same mother, black also, Alfie’s Step brother Turtle, circa 2003?  Maybe Sindia can shed some light on the time table if she ever reads this.

Alfie and Turtle Circa 05

The four of us lived very happily for a couple of years in this dilapidated little beach bungalow Sindia and I rented from my parents for $500 a month.  The place was haggard and really tiny but life was really good there.  Now that I am older looking back those may have been the best few years of my life.  I think Sindia may feel the same.  Things were very simple back then.  It literally was my “Walden”.  There were wild parties, late night skate sessions on the ghetto backyard half pipe, swims off the dock, wild ducks, horseshoe crabs, crazy old lady neighbors, and lots and lots of surfing.

One of those awesome backyard sessions at the Bungalow.

Times changed and my parents decided to build another “dream house” of theirs on the lot where my bungalow existed.  The place was scheduled for demolition and just before I threw a sledge hammer party that nearly ended in the death of all its participants when Bojangles and I knocked out the main support to the roof.  I wrote a rather good blog about such back in the Myspace.com days.  If someone goes and finds it and posts the entire blog in the comments, not just the link but the actually text I will give you three extra points.  Click here to start your search.

From there we moved to a really nice colonial duplex in Spring Lake, NJ.  My marriage was on some serious thin ice between my constant traveling for surfing, her constant traveling for science and finishing her PHD in Chemical Oceanography things just were not as they were.  The cats could sense it.  We took in this crazy guy Jason as a roommate who was highly recommended by my asshole friend Adam.  Turns out the guy was a complete nut job and that is saying a lot since I walk a very fine line of sanity myself.  We also had this roommate Crystal who worked as a veterinarian’s assistant and as a result had like thirty different pets in her room.  She had this cage of ferrets that should let out and they would just reek havoc on Alfie.

The little fucks would back him into a corner and then just bring him down.  It was terrible but really funny at the same time.  Turtle on the other hand would not even come out from under the bed.  I came home from a surf trip and she had pets every where, there was a chick and a duck in my bath tube.  The place smelled like a farm. She had to go.  Crazy Jason threatened me with violence as he threw the cats’ litter box out of the second story window.  He had to go.  I don’t think Alfie missed either of them all that much.

Then there was this polish immigrant, Conrad living there, who actually really liked Alfie and this marble cutter, Dave, who chain smoked cigarettes and bud all day long renting the place, while I was traveling all over to trying and make it in surfing and Sindia had moved to Australia.  Meanwhile both cats were under Conrad’s care.  I was in Santa Barbara by this time and I got reports that things were not going so well for my cats back in NJ.  As a result I flew home and closed up shop there, had the cats shipped to California and was done with it.  I do not think he missed those guys either.  

I picked up two very bewildered Cats up at the LAX loading docks a few weeks later and brought them to what is now the current Lisanti Palace.  At the time gay Lucas the giant was living here and I don’t believe him or Alfie gave a shit about one another.  Then Brennan and I moved in together.  He  lost my cats in a drunken pass out mishap.  Alfie returned shortly while Turtle after many failed capture attempts was never to be seen again.  You can read about that adventure in The Great Escape from Mission Street. I think Alfie may have been fond of Brennan cause he got rid of Turtle for him and I believe Alfie never cared for that sorry excuse of a cat anyway.  With any luck Turtle got devoured by a coyote.  

Then Alf and I moved back to the Lisanti Palace although at that time it was under the reign of my former roommate and brother from another mother Cory.  Although allergic to felines Cory had no problem with Alfie and since he did nothing but sit around on the couch and drink beer all day I think the two of them got along famously.  After Cory, Adrienne moved in.  She payed a ton of attention to him and the waste of space she was spend the bulk of her weekends just sitting around on the couch from what I have been told staring at the walls.  Alfie loves a good friend on the couch.  

Ades brought this bullshit kitten I so endearingly called Mustafa since she never named him. I think she still actually calls him Kitty.  Real creative you stupid bitch. Yeah I am having one of those weeks so deal with it.  Mustafa terrorized the shit out of Alfie and wrecked my apartment.  Shortly after, Ades decided she liked short fat bald old guys better then me, yet failed to inform me of that decision ultimately ending things in a mess.  The event leaving me in my current state of rapture.  Alfie definitely did not miss Mustafa.  He did miss Adrienne a bit.  

Mauriello lived here briefly but he used to fuck with Alfie all the time so I am pretty sure Alfie was not all that broken up about his departure.  Heroin Bryan was never around all that much so I am sure Alf did not care a bit about him.  Sleepy Time Nick helped Alfie get his dope so he probably misses him a bit.  Rye Guy who occupied the couch for like four months was pretty kind to Alfie.  Alfie loved kooky Kyle and never left that dudes side the whole time he was out here. I think he likes Danny my new roommate since Dan has an affinity with picking all of Alfie’s flea bite scabs.  Charlie Sean got along famously with the alfster as well.

So who does Alfie miss the most after all that?  My first thought would have been Sindia.  Then on further thought I doubt he even remembers her.  Its been over five years.  I barely remember her.  If I keep drinking the way I am I should be able to erase every trace.  Its sort of like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”.   In all seriousness I really did love my ex-wife and we had some amazing times I hope to never forget.  

Alfie misses me the most.  That’s right.  When I am at work or away for a few days all he does is walk around the house crying.  When I come home from work he is sitting in front of the door waiting for me even if Dan has already fed him.  As I write this he is happily sitting on my lap.  You know why?  Cause after all these years I have stood by him.  I took care of him and always gave him a home.  He knows with me he will always be safe and he respects such loyalty.  You can say lots of bad things about me but the one thing you cant shake a stick at is the extent I will go to take care of and protect the ones I love.

Alfie eternally standing by my side just like Sir Gawain in “The Knight with the Lion” One of my all time favorite King Arthur tales.


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That’s right folks the real Chris Lisanti is back. Some peeping Tom must have shot a picture of me getting out of the water after a recent surf. No privacy ever, damn smart phones. This picture was probably all over some Japanese persons twitter…

Remember when I used rant and rave on here about all kinds of stupidity?  I do.  Then I tried to be a “nice guy” and “positive” and guess what things got really fucking pathetic, then really fucking boring.  Finally I almost gave up on blogging altogether.  Last week I realized its time to end the charade and face the facts.  I am at 31 years old a bitter, surly, antagonistic, hedonistic, narcissistic,  egotistic, pretentious prick of an asshole.  I believe that most likely sucks worse then monkey cock, although most of you know my feelings of complete abhorrence to such.  What I am trying to say is “NO MORE MR. NICE GUY”.

The old vindictive Chris Lisanti is back and ready to sound off on anything from Midgets, to government, to religion, to gender relations, to racial issues, you name it I am going to tear it apart.  Everything I say will just as it used to be, be based entirely on angry bias and opinion with little to no more fact than I found in the National Enquirer, The New York Post (my grandfather’s favorite News Paper God rest his soul.  Now there was a hateful little Italian man to even rival me) The Sun Times and finally People Magazine Style Watch cause I think by now everyone knows how I feel about clothing.  In celebration of finding the real Chris Lisanti all over again and realizing that the only time I am truly happy is when I am angry at least each month I will post a blog on the angry revelations I have had during that time period.

National Health Care, I.E. Obama Care

Here is something I have held my tongue on for a while opting to wait till I had all the facts before sounding off on. Then I realized that was never going to happen cause none of my favorite internet porn sites, even the grandma porn ones where you think that sort of thing would be an important topic, have covered the issue.  I am going to have to go by the little bit of miss-information I have picked up from many different people’s Facebook.com statuses.  For starters I have no money and live so far below the poverty level its not even funny.

Wait; not far enough to receive welfare or food stamps that is why I am in the process of adopting a teenager.  Apparently being a single parent I could receive over $4,000 a month in government support.  That’s more then I make at my current job.  I do not really know how this new bill will affect me anyway.  Right now when I am in need of medical attention I go to my cat Alfie and have him lick the wound till all the bacteria in his mouth transfers into the cut causing the blood to clot.  If that fails I turn to Rambo Tactics.  You know that scene where he sticks the hot poker into his gun shot wound to close it up.  If you don’t here it is:

I don’t vote.  I don’t watch the news.  I have not read a decent News Paper since I found one in the trash and read it out of boredom when I worked at the gas station.  What I do know is if I hear one more person bitch about how universal health care is a bad thing I will beat him so fucking bad he will be in need of some of that health care he is so angry about.  Here is one fact I do have.  I have been to third world countries where it was easier to see a doctor and get medical help with out any money or insurance then it is in America.  In America your lucky if the the night janitor will put some duct tape on your stab wound in the parking lot if you do not have insurance.  Ever have bronchitis for two months cause you could not afford Antibiotics?  I have…

It took Alfie nearly three days of hard licking to get this cut on my foot to close up. I got a universal health care plan for America…Annoying pet black cats for everyone.

Gasoline Prices

So I noticed the price of petroleum climbed about ten cents right as my tank was about to hit empty.  I don’t really know how that price is determined but I do know it really pissed me off when I could have gotten gas three days ago for ten cents less.  Shit in a 12 gallon tank I could have saved a buck twenty which means I would be just 25cents short of a Big Mac on Mac Mondays.  Fucking towel heads and their oil bull shit.  I am going to invent a car that runs on my semen.  Then when I start running low on gas I will just rub one out into my gas tank.   Filling up will never be more fun.

Why Alcohol has to be bad for Me

I don’t know if there is a God or not, but if so fuck him.  Why would you put a substance as wonderful as alcohol on this earth and then make harmful to the very species that enjoys consuming it?  I know it pisses the fuck out of me.  For a long time I barely drank, but courtesy of a lack of self control, California, Santa Barbara and the female species on a whole I have become a functioning alcoholic and it really makes me angry to watch the adverse effects such has had on my brain, body and life in general.  Whatever I really did not want to live forever anyway or to the age of 50.  After all do I really want to become one of the those old guys with shriveled up figs and a saggy ass.  Maybe, since I have lost the last three women I was involved with to such dudes.

The Lie that is Sunny California Summers

Let me enlighten everyone out there who may fantasize about the wonderful sunny warm California summers and how it is a complete crock of shit.  I too once believed in sunny California.  Then I moved here and realized if the sun comes out of the thick coastal fog 1 out of five days you consider yourself lucky.  Sure inland California is sunny.  Its also a shit whole and anywhere form 95-115 F.  Don’t believe me go visit the city of El Centro sometime.  I thought I was in a fucking oven when I stepped out of my nice air conditioned car.  Then the gas station clerk tells me it is only going to get hotter the next day.  I did not stick around to find out.  While we are at it lets sound off on the freezing cold water temperatures out here too.  All those beach blanket bingo surf movies of the 50’s where everyone was in bathing suits swimming is bull too.  I wear a 4/3 and booties pretty much year round.


I don’t know what instagram is.  I don’t want to know.  AND NO! I DO NOT HAVE AN INSTAGRAM.  All I do know is it pisses me off.  People constantly posting pictures to it thinking they are super artsy cause they picked a cool filter piss me off even more.  Here is a News flash: its owned by Facebook and your not artsy cause you took a bad blurry photo on your I-phone.  Then made it even more incoherent by adding an old time filter.

Guys who find it completely ok to wear shorts, flip flops and tank tops to the club and the woman who find them attractive.  

Hey nothing screams I just came from the beach like a tank top, flip flops, messy hair and board shorts.  Why not wear them out to the club.  Who wants to wear fancy clothes anyway when apparently chicks would much rather stand next to one of these defuses in their designer party dress and expensive heels.  Ladies did you really spend all that time getting ready tonight to go home with some bro who looks like he literally climbed out of bed and threw on whatever was lying around on the floor.  I am pretty sure Humphrey Bogart never wore a tank top.

Pictures of women who look like this:
Because all I ever get to fuck is women who look like this:

And there you have it folks, all the anger I have been bottling up inside for the past few months.  Man it feels good to get it all off my chest.  Oh and I’m not to happy with the current state up hip hop music either, but that is another topic for another time.  Thanks for listening.  Yes I am certifiably insane!!!

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This week’s UCB makes a victor of John Mauriello with a topic that I was not going to write until my boy JD on his recent visit out here this week also brought up the same subject.  What am I referring to?  “Do you think Alfie is pissed off that he can’t have sex”?  Believe it or not this topic comes up more times then not in my house when we are all sitting around shooting the shit.

If you don’t know who Alfie is by now then you’re either new to this blog or retarded.  So just in case you’re in the dark here at SurfingRuinedMyLife.net let me enlighten you.  Alfie is my all black cat, the remaining feline out of the two black cats I had shipped out here from New Jersey.  Turtle the other cat escaped from my home when I lived up near the Santa Barbara Mission never to return again.  Odds are he is probably living it up eating trash and the like, but I like to believe he got eaten by a coyote.

There were a good number of blogs on the great cat escape back in the Myspace.com days a year ago or so.  If you missed them they are some where in the depths of my myspace.com profile of which I believe there is a link to on the home page of the site you are now on.  It happened around November 2010 if you’re so inclined to go looking.  Good luck.  If you do find it copy and paste the entire blog into the comments of this blog and I will give you Two UCB points for this quarter!!!!!

So Alfie is now my remaining cat and is joined by his new partner in crime Mustafa (see Cat Calamity for more on who Mustafa is), whom consequently is also a eunuch.  Honestly do I think Alfie is pissed off he cant have sex?  My answer has to be absolutely not.  I don’t even think he has the slightest inclination towards sexual desires what so ever.  Alfie was neutered when he was only six weeks old or so.

Technically he never reached sexual maturity thus eliminating any desire to want sex.  Now this was just my belief, but since I was sure there was definitely scientific research on the subject I did a little investigating.   What I found is that 85% of all male cats neutered at a young age do not have sexual desires.  There is a small group that on occasion some of the testicle is left inside the cat and in which case that cat would then still develop sex hormones.  Alfie is not of the latter group.

I don’t believe that he is pissed off that he cannot have sex.  Alfie in my opinion is rather happy and content in the microenvironment I have created for him.  Besides Mustafa being a pain in his ass half of the time these days he has it as good as can be.  He gets three solid yummy cat meals a day, Ades throws him the occasional cat treat and when ever Im carving meat that I am going to cook he gets all of the fatty ends and scrap.  I would say as far as a cat’s life goes his is top notch.

Sex is the last thing on Alfie's mind

Speaking of Eunuchs here is a great clip from Mel Brook’s History of the World Part 1

What most likely became of Turtle 😦

This Lady may have eaten the Coyote afterward though.

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Its been a while since I have written a blog and that is for a few reasons. One will be addressed in this blog.  The rest I will sum up quickly although may be elaborated in a later blog.  First off since I have stepped off the plane from the East Coast back to California we have just been bombarded with tons of swell (check the surflog which is updated everyday for more on that).  Last week Nick the Kook was out here (check out “Nick the Kook Receives a Hay Maker” for a funny story from his Crazy Chris Adventure Tour) and I started back up at work over at the college.  Then lastly I caught a cold after spending nearly an hour drunkenly searching around the streets of Santa Barbara in the cold for a lost Nick the Kook, who consequently made his way home at 6am, but that is a whole different story all together and one that is not mine to tell.

All these factors went into play to create a very exhausted Chris Lisanti.  So much so that I have been too tired even to think let alone compose a blog at the end of the day.  Even this blog is near painful to write.  Dont say I never did anything for you.   On top of these reasons I have also had my life filled with cat misadventures.

When I returned to Santa Barbara awaiting me in my apartment was a new kitten Ade’s was given for Christmas.  He is an odd looking tabby I affectionately call Mustafa after Will Ferrell’s incompetent assassin character in the Austin Power movies.   I dont know why, the name just had a good ring to it.  Ade’s hates the name, but I have become set on it and as far as Im concerned its his name.  Needless to say Alfie was not very happy about the occurrence thus spending the bulk of his time hissing and growling.

Just when I though the two were beginning to get along Alfie contracted some freak cat strep throat, stopped eating, began coughing and was at deaths door by the end of last week.  Concerned for his well being Ade’s ran him to an emergency vet where $700 later claimed they did not know what was wrong with him and would need another $1000 to run further testing.  For 1700 bucks I could go purchase a robotic cat that would have rocket boosters on it, fly and do chores around the house for me.

I could not just let Alfie wither away and die.  I was mentally preparing to take the situation into my own hands “Old Yeller” style when Ade’s found a vet that specialized in cats and was supposedly inexpensive.  Turns out for only $150 I found out that Alfie had gotten a flu like thing that has actually been going around SB for the last few weeks.  Go figure.  For those of you who are wondering Alfie is doing much better and actually ate all of his dinner tonight.  He still hates Mustafa.

Who needs a parrot on his shoulder when he can have a cat? Mustafa and I bonding.

Alfie and Mustafa trying to be civil.

What Alfie's poor health almost came down to....

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It occurred to me the other day that it has been quite some time since I have had what was formerly called on the myspace blog “week in review”.  I know each and every one of you is sitting around at home on the edge of your seats just wondering what the fuck Chris Lisanti has been up to.  Sure we have the occasional spot blog here and there where I rant and rave about some rather common misgiving that takes place, but overall since I started surfingruinedmylife.net I have not really kept anyone all that informed on whats been happening with me.

Truth be told I did not think anyone really cared nor did I for that matter, but then I figured I started the blog in 06′ in the first place as a sort of public diary to document my charade of a life.  For now on every Sunday or the ones I feel so inclined anyway I will write a brief update on what has been going on in my life.  Yeah how pumped are you?  Not that much, me neither.

Well my life has been really nothing more then a bore of lots of work and a little bit of surfing.  Im not going to write about my surfing escapades here because the surf log is an entire section of this blog you can visit that is updated daily with such information.   Work has been going good.  I have got into a pretty steady groove with both the pizza and grill stations.  Somehow it has gotten to the point where I can bang out 60 pizzas in under three hours or 550 sandwiches menu dependent.  I can cut 25 lbs of assorted vegetables in a rough chop in under an hour and chop up 100lbs of potatoes in about an hour and change.

My skillz with a knife have gotten pretty sharp, pun intended.  On the weekends I grill a total of 300 hundred burgers, fifty chicken sandwiches and 175 casadillas while standing in front of a flaming hot grill for six hours. I used feel burns now they are just a way of life.  Like today I burned up my thumb pretty good on the iron of the grill.  It must of hurt but I did not even realize I got burned till I got home and noticed a giant blister on my thumb.

This week I pretty much bought my entire knife kit.  After months of internet scouring for the best knives at the best prices I put together a fine assortment of professional knives for just under $250, a kit that should have costs close to $500.  How did I do it you ask.  All I can say is in life it is best to leave no stone unturned my friend.  I still have to get sharpening steel, a peeler and a tomato corer.  Stay tuned for a blog on my knives soon or a blog about me losing a finger, which ever comes first.

With all this work you would think I would be stacking some paper, but thats  not the case at all.  Fuck money Im going back to wampum.  I guess somehow I got promoted to primary ding guy at J7 as a result of Keoni going on an extended trip to Mexico.  Its cool at least I can work off my boards, but I am constantly reminded how much I hate doing ding repair.

Looks like I will be making a brief appearance in NJ in December from the 24th thru 28th just enough time to remember why I left so that I wont return for another two years.  Seriously I plan to be drunk most of the time so if you want to get thrashed with me let me know, plus I have not been home in two years so I have no idea whats hot in terms of where to party so anyone who knows whats up please feel free to guide me.

Thats all for now.   Like I said nothing too earth shattering this week to report.  Im rather boring these days actually so much so that I fell asleep twice while writing this.

Burger Time! For you its an intriguing picture, for me its an every day event!

Thank you and good night.

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