The first UCB of the quarter goes to, surprise, suprise none other then Kooky Kyle. The man the myth, the UCB Legend. A man who’s obscene head of hair in its massive lusciousness ate a hair net. Shit that thing may have eaten a small fucking child at one point. He posed the topic: Who do I think Alfie misses the most? For his efforts he gets 1.5pts and he also nailed a bonus question in the surflog earning him one bonus point. The kid already is starting out with 2.5pts. Don’t let him walk away with another quarter and thus another victory. The kid is already a member of the Lisanti royal court and has a passport to Lisanti Land. Step it up people there are eight more weeks in this quarter, two Power of Tens up for grabs and at least ten bonus points currently floating around.
Hide the wife, hide the kids, Kooky’s hair is loose.
Alfie as if you did not follow this blog is my disgruntled little bastard of a black cat that happens to be my black cat, my personal cross to bear, my proverbial blue ox so to speak. If an animal could consciously commit suicide I think Alfie would have ended his miserable existence two years ago. Shit the cat was addicted to heroin for like six months, but since has weened off it very nice and looks like a normal cat again. As my buddy West put it back in December “That cat will haunt my dreams for eternity”. West’s Adventure Tour got really out of hand you can read about it here: Part I, Part II, Part III. There are a ton of new people here as of late and if you missed these three gems it is some serious entertainment and shows just exactly how out of control a Lisanti Adventure can get. Just ask Micheala who almost killed me and is coming back for round two in just a few short weeks.
I guess the best way to go about this is to give a quick history on Alfie’s background. He started off in Lincroft, New Jersey where he was born an ally cat and abandoned by his mother in the middle of a terrible blizzard. My mother’s friend John saved the litter from near death and nursed them back to health. He did not want a litter of kittens already having too my cats of his own. My mother convinced my ex-wife Sindia and I into taking one. We did and Alfie had a happy home. A year later we adopted another cat from the same mother, black also, Alfie’s Step brother Turtle, circa 2003? Maybe Sindia can shed some light on the time table if she ever reads this.
Alfie and Turtle Circa 05
The four of us lived very happily for a couple of years in this dilapidated little beach bungalow Sindia and I rented from my parents for $500 a month. The place was haggard and really tiny but life was really good there. Now that I am older looking back those may have been the best few years of my life. I think Sindia may feel the same. Things were very simple back then. It literally was my “Walden”. There were wild parties, late night skate sessions on the ghetto backyard half pipe, swims off the dock, wild ducks, horseshoe crabs, crazy old lady neighbors, and lots and lots of surfing.
One of those awesome backyard sessions at the Bungalow.
Times changed and my parents decided to build another “dream house” of theirs on the lot where my bungalow existed. The place was scheduled for demolition and just before I threw a sledge hammer party that nearly ended in the death of all its participants when Bojangles and I knocked out the main support to the roof. I wrote a rather good blog about such back in the Myspace.com days. If someone goes and finds it and posts the entire blog in the comments, not just the link but the actually text I will give you three extra points. Click here to start your search.
From there we moved to a really nice colonial duplex in Spring Lake, NJ. My marriage was on some serious thin ice between my constant traveling for surfing, her constant traveling for science and finishing her PHD in Chemical Oceanography things just were not as they were. The cats could sense it. We took in this crazy guy Jason as a roommate who was highly recommended by my asshole friend Adam. Turns out the guy was a complete nut job and that is saying a lot since I walk a very fine line of sanity myself. We also had this roommate Crystal who worked as a veterinarian’s assistant and as a result had like thirty different pets in her room. She had this cage of ferrets that should let out and they would just reek havoc on Alfie.
The little fucks would back him into a corner and then just bring him down. It was terrible but really funny at the same time. Turtle on the other hand would not even come out from under the bed. I came home from a surf trip and she had pets every where, there was a chick and a duck in my bath tube. The place smelled like a farm. She had to go. Crazy Jason threatened me with violence as he threw the cats’ litter box out of the second story window. He had to go. I don’t think Alfie missed either of them all that much.
Then there was this polish immigrant, Conrad living there, who actually really liked Alfie and this marble cutter, Dave, who chain smoked cigarettes and bud all day long renting the place, while I was traveling all over to trying and make it in surfing and Sindia had moved to Australia. Meanwhile both cats were under Conrad’s care. I was in Santa Barbara by this time and I got reports that things were not going so well for my cats back in NJ. As a result I flew home and closed up shop there, had the cats shipped to California and was done with it. I do not think he missed those guys either.
I picked up two very bewildered Cats up at the LAX loading docks a few weeks later and brought them to what is now the current Lisanti Palace. At the time gay Lucas the giant was living here and I don’t believe him or Alfie gave a shit about one another. Then Brennan and I moved in together. He lost my cats in a drunken pass out mishap. Alfie returned shortly while Turtle after many failed capture attempts was never to be seen again. You can read about that adventure in The Great Escape from Mission Street. I think Alfie may have been fond of Brennan cause he got rid of Turtle for him and I believe Alfie never cared for that sorry excuse of a cat anyway. With any luck Turtle got devoured by a coyote.
Then Alf and I moved back to the Lisanti Palace although at that time it was under the reign of my former roommate and brother from another mother Cory. Although allergic to felines Cory had no problem with Alfie and since he did nothing but sit around on the couch and drink beer all day I think the two of them got along famously. After Cory, Adrienne moved in. She payed a ton of attention to him and the waste of space she was spend the bulk of her weekends just sitting around on the couch from what I have been told staring at the walls. Alfie loves a good friend on the couch.
Ades brought this bullshit kitten I so endearingly called Mustafa since she never named him. I think she still actually calls him Kitty. Real creative you stupid bitch. Yeah I am having one of those weeks so deal with it. Mustafa terrorized the shit out of Alfie and wrecked my apartment. Shortly after, Ades decided she liked short fat bald old guys better then me, yet failed to inform me of that decision ultimately ending things in a mess. The event leaving me in my current state of rapture. Alfie definitely did not miss Mustafa. He did miss Adrienne a bit.
Mauriello lived here briefly but he used to fuck with Alfie all the time so I am pretty sure Alfie was not all that broken up about his departure. Heroin Bryan was never around all that much so I am sure Alf did not care a bit about him. Sleepy Time Nick helped Alfie get his dope so he probably misses him a bit. Rye Guy who occupied the couch for like four months was pretty kind to Alfie. Alfie loved kooky Kyle and never left that dudes side the whole time he was out here. I think he likes Danny my new roommate since Dan has an affinity with picking all of Alfie’s flea bite scabs. Charlie Sean got along famously with the alfster as well.
So who does Alfie miss the most after all that? My first thought would have been Sindia. Then on further thought I doubt he even remembers her. Its been over five years. I barely remember her. If I keep drinking the way I am I should be able to erase every trace. Its sort of like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. In all seriousness I really did love my ex-wife and we had some amazing times I hope to never forget.
Alfie misses me the most. That’s right. When I am at work or away for a few days all he does is walk around the house crying. When I come home from work he is sitting in front of the door waiting for me even if Dan has already fed him. As I write this he is happily sitting on my lap. You know why? Cause after all these years I have stood by him. I took care of him and always gave him a home. He knows with me he will always be safe and he respects such loyalty. You can say lots of bad things about me but the one thing you cant shake a stick at is the extent I will go to take care of and protect the ones I love.
Alfie eternally standing by my side just like Sir Gawain in “The Knight with the Lion” One of my all time favorite King Arthur tales.
Surfing Ruined My Life 