Posts Tagged ‘Black cats to save America’s problems’

That’s right folks the real Chris Lisanti is back. Some peeping Tom must have shot a picture of me getting out of the water after a recent surf. No privacy ever, damn smart phones. This picture was probably all over some Japanese persons twitter…

Remember when I used rant and rave on here about all kinds of stupidity?  I do.  Then I tried to be a “nice guy” and “positive” and guess what things got really fucking pathetic, then really fucking boring.  Finally I almost gave up on blogging altogether.  Last week I realized its time to end the charade and face the facts.  I am at 31 years old a bitter, surly, antagonistic, hedonistic, narcissistic,  egotistic, pretentious prick of an asshole.  I believe that most likely sucks worse then monkey cock, although most of you know my feelings of complete abhorrence to such.  What I am trying to say is “NO MORE MR. NICE GUY”.

The old vindictive Chris Lisanti is back and ready to sound off on anything from Midgets, to government, to religion, to gender relations, to racial issues, you name it I am going to tear it apart.  Everything I say will just as it used to be, be based entirely on angry bias and opinion with little to no more fact than I found in the National Enquirer, The New York Post (my grandfather’s favorite News Paper God rest his soul.  Now there was a hateful little Italian man to even rival me) The Sun Times and finally People Magazine Style Watch cause I think by now everyone knows how I feel about clothing.  In celebration of finding the real Chris Lisanti all over again and realizing that the only time I am truly happy is when I am angry at least each month I will post a blog on the angry revelations I have had during that time period.

National Health Care, I.E. Obama Care

Here is something I have held my tongue on for a while opting to wait till I had all the facts before sounding off on. Then I realized that was never going to happen cause none of my favorite internet porn sites, even the grandma porn ones where you think that sort of thing would be an important topic, have covered the issue.  I am going to have to go by the little bit of miss-information I have picked up from many different people’s Facebook.com statuses.  For starters I have no money and live so far below the poverty level its not even funny.

Wait; not far enough to receive welfare or food stamps that is why I am in the process of adopting a teenager.  Apparently being a single parent I could receive over $4,000 a month in government support.  That’s more then I make at my current job.  I do not really know how this new bill will affect me anyway.  Right now when I am in need of medical attention I go to my cat Alfie and have him lick the wound till all the bacteria in his mouth transfers into the cut causing the blood to clot.  If that fails I turn to Rambo Tactics.  You know that scene where he sticks the hot poker into his gun shot wound to close it up.  If you don’t here it is:

I don’t vote.  I don’t watch the news.  I have not read a decent News Paper since I found one in the trash and read it out of boredom when I worked at the gas station.  What I do know is if I hear one more person bitch about how universal health care is a bad thing I will beat him so fucking bad he will be in need of some of that health care he is so angry about.  Here is one fact I do have.  I have been to third world countries where it was easier to see a doctor and get medical help with out any money or insurance then it is in America.  In America your lucky if the the night janitor will put some duct tape on your stab wound in the parking lot if you do not have insurance.  Ever have bronchitis for two months cause you could not afford Antibiotics?  I have…

It took Alfie nearly three days of hard licking to get this cut on my foot to close up. I got a universal health care plan for America…Annoying pet black cats for everyone.

Gasoline Prices

So I noticed the price of petroleum climbed about ten cents right as my tank was about to hit empty.  I don’t really know how that price is determined but I do know it really pissed me off when I could have gotten gas three days ago for ten cents less.  Shit in a 12 gallon tank I could have saved a buck twenty which means I would be just 25cents short of a Big Mac on Mac Mondays.  Fucking towel heads and their oil bull shit.  I am going to invent a car that runs on my semen.  Then when I start running low on gas I will just rub one out into my gas tank.   Filling up will never be more fun.

Why Alcohol has to be bad for Me

I don’t know if there is a God or not, but if so fuck him.  Why would you put a substance as wonderful as alcohol on this earth and then make harmful to the very species that enjoys consuming it?  I know it pisses the fuck out of me.  For a long time I barely drank, but courtesy of a lack of self control, California, Santa Barbara and the female species on a whole I have become a functioning alcoholic and it really makes me angry to watch the adverse effects such has had on my brain, body and life in general.  Whatever I really did not want to live forever anyway or to the age of 50.  After all do I really want to become one of the those old guys with shriveled up figs and a saggy ass.  Maybe, since I have lost the last three women I was involved with to such dudes.

The Lie that is Sunny California Summers

Let me enlighten everyone out there who may fantasize about the wonderful sunny warm California summers and how it is a complete crock of shit.  I too once believed in sunny California.  Then I moved here and realized if the sun comes out of the thick coastal fog 1 out of five days you consider yourself lucky.  Sure inland California is sunny.  Its also a shit whole and anywhere form 95-115 F.  Don’t believe me go visit the city of El Centro sometime.  I thought I was in a fucking oven when I stepped out of my nice air conditioned car.  Then the gas station clerk tells me it is only going to get hotter the next day.  I did not stick around to find out.  While we are at it lets sound off on the freezing cold water temperatures out here too.  All those beach blanket bingo surf movies of the 50’s where everyone was in bathing suits swimming is bull too.  I wear a 4/3 and booties pretty much year round.


I don’t know what instagram is.  I don’t want to know.  AND NO! I DO NOT HAVE AN INSTAGRAM.  All I do know is it pisses me off.  People constantly posting pictures to it thinking they are super artsy cause they picked a cool filter piss me off even more.  Here is a News flash: its owned by Facebook and your not artsy cause you took a bad blurry photo on your I-phone.  Then made it even more incoherent by adding an old time filter.

Guys who find it completely ok to wear shorts, flip flops and tank tops to the club and the woman who find them attractive.  

Hey nothing screams I just came from the beach like a tank top, flip flops, messy hair and board shorts.  Why not wear them out to the club.  Who wants to wear fancy clothes anyway when apparently chicks would much rather stand next to one of these defuses in their designer party dress and expensive heels.  Ladies did you really spend all that time getting ready tonight to go home with some bro who looks like he literally climbed out of bed and threw on whatever was lying around on the floor.  I am pretty sure Humphrey Bogart never wore a tank top.

Pictures of women who look like this:
Because all I ever get to fuck is women who look like this:

And there you have it folks, all the anger I have been bottling up inside for the past few months.  Man it feels good to get it all off my chest.  Oh and I’m not to happy with the current state up hip hop music either, but that is another topic for another time.  Thanks for listening.  Yes I am certifiably insane!!!

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