Posts Tagged ‘Fat People’

I know, I know its been a while.  All I can say is that I have been rather busy and a bit more tired then usual.  The Summer of Alf is still going strong although about to come to its culmination September 21st and with it the end of the summer quarter of the UCB.  July came and went with out a Power of Ten list because all I got was one half ass uninspiring list form Kooky.  Since then things have come up a notch.  I have decided I will still run two Power of Tens this quarter, the one I am writing right now and one other.

So if you have not submitted a list yet feel free to post one.  Remember it is worth two points.  This one is taken by none other then my boy Nick Kiefer who has been a UCB sleeping giant as of late.  Looks like he woke the fuck up and came out of the gates swinging.   Oh and feel free to submit another Power of Ten Kiefer for the quarter finale.

1. Weapon of ChoiceAt the moment I have been favoring my Samurai sword.  It slices, it dices, it cuts off heads and limbs like butter.  As a matter of fact a few weeks ago my neighbors had this out of control party that woke me up at around 3am to the sounds of broken glass and screaming “get the fuck out of here”.  Things seemed a bit out of hand so I grabbed my sword off the mantle, unsheathed it and went over to play referee. “I don’t care who is right or who is wrong but if shit does not resolve itself right now I am going to start taking arms and legs”.  Problem solved.  For my favorite ghetto weapon check out a blog a wrote a bit back:  Resourceful Weaponry.  Its one of my funnier blogs.

Heads are gonna roll…I love destroying bad artwork from a whore of an artist. Thanks for the partying gift bitch.  The pieces are in the mail.

2. The “N” WordI hate the “N” word. Girls always seem to say it right as I am trying to get my hand up their skirts, NO! I suppose that was not the “N” word you were eluding to.  I once accidentally dropped the N-bomb at one of my dinner parties while my black friend Chantelle was in attendance.  Needless to say the entire room got silent I went red and she replied “that’s your one”.  Whats the big fucking deal.  I don’t get mad when people call me a guido in jest and black people call each other that word all time in rap music. You know what I’m taking it back…

3. Long HairSo this is sort of a touchy subject for me. I once had long hair, down to my shoulders.  I started growing it out when I was 12 and kept it at around shoulder length till last summer, read “Commitment Cut” for more about that.  I loved my long hair.  I used to say it was the source of my strength as a person like Samson and Delia from the Old Testament.  Then like Samson I cut my hair after Adrienne and I broke up hoping it would make a positive change in my life.  For one thing it made existing in our close minded society a lot easier.  All of a sudden jobs were easier to get, people took me more seriously on the outside I almost looked like a decent human being.  I have found the quality of women I meet has went down since I cut my hair which I though would have had the opposite effect.  Go figure. There is something about the feeling of the wind in your hair and the way it feels on your neck when your hair is long that gives one a sense of freedom. I am actually at the moment trying to decide whether to grow the hair back or not.  What do you folks think?

4. Harry Potter: Well I actually do not know much about the books or the movies since I have not read of seen either.  It just was not my generation and as an adult just did not have much interest in them.  My friend and former couch guy Charlie Sean and I took to calling our ex-girl friends Voldemort to help ween us off of using their names all of the time.  Honestly that Harry Potter guy looks like a bit of a faggot to me.

5.  VegetariansAs a lover of food I just could not imagine voluntarily giving up anything.   As a cook it can be a pain in my ass at times.  These days between Vegans, gluten free, raw food diets and whatever other weird new ass shit people come up with it makes feeding everyone happily a head ache.  I know one thing is for sure any chick I ever end up with has to enjoy eating everything or it is not going to work out.  Cows are vegetarians and I eat them.

6. The Olympics:  I have to admit besides catching an event or two randomly at the bar I did not watch any of them.  The summer Olympics on the whole has always been a bit of a bore to me.  I do prefer the action of the winter games.  Also I do not have a television making watching the games more difficult and the US Open of Surfing was on at the same time.  I will take amazing surfing in shitty waves and hot half naked girls in bikinis on the beach in sunny California over stuck up cold rainy England any day.

7. Fat People The blog with the all time most hits that I have written here on SurfingRuinedMyLife.net is “Those Carrying a Little Weight People” a blog I wrote about fat people.  It is also the one I get the most hate mail from.  One happy reader and I quote “Funny you said you don’t understand how people get fat but you also said “On the contrary I eat a massive amount of food, probably enough for two people. I just dont gain weight.” You’re an idiot. Clearly you have the eating habits of a “disgusting beached whale of a human,” but you have genetics on your side to keep you thin. You pretty much disgust me more than seeing someone morbidly obese.”   I said it once and I will say it again if your fat and you do not want to be eat less and exercise more its that easy.  Just like when I bitch about being a drunk.  There is an easy solution there drink less.  Let the hate mail continue.

8. Fishermen fishing in the LineupIt took me years to realize this and many conversations with the fishing enthusiast to find out that where the best waves are is usually where the best fishing is.  I guess they are attracted to certain currents along sand bars and what not.  Also piers are built for fishing in lots of places and those piers end up creating a good wave causing friction between the fishermen and surfers.  Out here one of the spots I frequent is always loaded with surf casters but they are really respectful and always pull their lines down when they see a surfer approaching unlike back east where they try to hook you.  I once got hooked by a bunch of redneck assholes in Hatteras years and years ago. But that is a story for another time.

9. SpeedosI am personally not a fan of speedos outside of their functional use which is for swimming with the least amount of drag.  I know the Euro guys love that shit and the Aussies where them under their wetsuits.  I personally do not like wearing them because my gargantuan penis does not fit inside such constraint an area.

10. Foreign GirlsThis is a group of women which is completely hit or miss for me.  On one hand they find me super attractive as an American surfer boy from California.  Then open my mouth and they are lost by my Lisant-bonics and strange accent.  There was this foreign girl all over me at Sharkeez the other night but just like all the other women that have been attracted to me this year she was morbidly obese, which brings us back to number 7.  To be honest, foreign, domestic, black, white, Asian, big, small its all warm and wet inside now isn’t it.

Read Full Post »

So yeah no blogs yet this week and only four in March.  Its not because Im lazy, well partially, but mostly because I have been fucking busy.  This week has been tough with Kooky’s adventure tour, car shopping, John and Brennan coming out for a weekend and mid terms at City College.  The waves have also been the best here since January.  Read the Surf Log which I am still updating daily for more on the surf.

Once again, Im sorry, but I promise a plethora of really awesome blogs soon.  For now enjoy this picture of a really fat guy riding a really small peddle moped.

I promise more Lisanti fun soon, Lets shake on it!

Read Full Post »

This weeks UCB (dont you love how we have completely moved UCB to Saturday this quarter) brings Kooky Kyle back to the winners circle with another one word submission “fat people”.  Fat people is both a controversial subject and yet a rather serious one as well.   It is definitely a topic not to be taken lightly, but surely inappropriate enough for this bl0g.

I used to hate fat people.  I just did not understand how they got that way in the first place.  No one is born fat, well I guess technically everyone is born with more proportional fat to bone ratio, but that is more for survival purposes.  I wasn’t.  I was born only weighing three and half pounds and was so small I was yellow.  Life was bullshit for me right out of the gates.  I should have been born dead.   That is another story for another blog.

From that very tiny baby sprung a tiny boy and to this day I am a small man only weighing in at just over 140 pounds.  So one can see how fat people have me dumbfounded.  I have never been fat.  I don’t even know if I have an ounce of fat on my body.   It is not because I do not eat.  On the contrary I eat a massive amount of food, probably enough for two people.  I just dont gain weight.

Im not about to get into fat people here cause I like I said I dont understand it and cant comprehend it.  If one has a tendency to get fat then there is an easy remedy to that problem: DO NOT EAT SO MUCH.  If you are in a Fat Bastard situation where “I eat because Im unhappy and unhappy because I eat”  go seek psychological help.  There are plenty of head doctors who can help with that problem.   If none of the above seem like something you are interested in then there are plenty of great plastic surgeons out there who will suck that shit right out of you for a healthy fee.   I heard if you fly to Thailand or India you can get liposuction for like half the price of the US.  If your a disgusting beached whale of a human there is help for you.

Enough on my thoughts on fat people.  I would like to tell a short tale about one of my earliest surf trips and an encounter with a jumbo sized human being that left me sick to my stomach.  When I was 19 I took a trip over to San Diego to go surf for a week or so.  I got to the plane on time and everything was going quite well. I always try to sit over the wings on an airplane for a couple of reasons.  Number one it is usually the exit row meaning lots of leg room and the possiblity of being a hero in the rare unfortunate occurrence of some happening that involves the immediate disembarkment of the airplane.  You got me.  I dont want to be a hero.  I just want to be the first off the plane in an emergency, sort of like George in that Sienfield where he pushed the grandma and little kids over and ran out the door at a party when a little fire broke out.

Im sitting there in my seat with my disc man on (no ipods back then kids) reading a surf mag waiting for the plane to take off when I see this huge behemoth a person come barreling down the aisle.   I though the plane’s landing gear was going to break this guy was so big.  He had to be at least 500 lbs. His folds of fat were hitting people in the head as he passed by their seats.  It was nauseating.

Who’s row did he stop at?  You guessed it, mine.  He looks at me and says thats my seat right there.  He was the middle and I was in the aisle and then there was some poor women in the window seat.  Fatty sits down and his blubber comes over both arms rests on each side of him completely enveloping them.  Some of which spilled onto my person.  There was so much fat his tee shirt of which material could have created an entire wardrobe for me could not conceal.  It was gross and slimy.  He had an odor of rotten eggs.  I wanted to kill myself.   I would have rather sat in the lavatory on the toilet the whole flight.

Then he hit the call button and requested a seat belt extension.  As it turns out he needed two to fit around his body.  I think he should have been forced to purchase his own row or plane for that matter.  Once we were in the air he pulled out a plate lunch of fried chicken, pizza and French fries and went to town. It was gross and I am getting the shivers up my spine just writing this.  By far it was the worst flying experience of my life, which by the way was another topic requested by Kooky.  Look at that two birds with one stone and only the points of one blog.

Pretty much about the size of the guy in my story.

"How did we get so fat" they ask? Well I would say the proof is in the pudding.

This has nothing to do with fat people but I came across it while looking for pictures of "hot female midgets" and got what you see here.

Read Full Post »