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Posts Tagged ‘Fat’

This weeks UCB (dont you love how we have completely moved UCB to Saturday this quarter) brings Kooky Kyle back to the winners circle with another one word submission “fat people”.  Fat people is both a controversial subject and yet a rather serious one as well.   It is definitely a topic not to be taken lightly, but surely inappropriate enough for this bl0g.

I used to hate fat people.  I just did not understand how they got that way in the first place.  No one is born fat, well I guess technically everyone is born with more proportional fat to bone ratio, but that is more for survival purposes.  I wasn’t.  I was born only weighing three and half pounds and was so small I was yellow.  Life was bullshit for me right out of the gates.  I should have been born dead.   That is another story for another blog.

From that very tiny baby sprung a tiny boy and to this day I am a small man only weighing in at just over 140 pounds.  So one can see how fat people have me dumbfounded.  I have never been fat.  I don’t even know if I have an ounce of fat on my body.   It is not because I do not eat.  On the contrary I eat a massive amount of food, probably enough for two people.  I just dont gain weight.

Im not about to get into fat people here cause I like I said I dont understand it and cant comprehend it.  If one has a tendency to get fat then there is an easy remedy to that problem: DO NOT EAT SO MUCH.  If you are in a Fat Bastard situation where “I eat because Im unhappy and unhappy because I eat”  go seek psychological help.  There are plenty of head doctors who can help with that problem.   If none of the above seem like something you are interested in then there are plenty of great plastic surgeons out there who will suck that shit right out of you for a healthy fee.   I heard if you fly to Thailand or India you can get liposuction for like half the price of the US.  If your a disgusting beached whale of a human there is help for you.

Enough on my thoughts on fat people.  I would like to tell a short tale about one of my earliest surf trips and an encounter with a jumbo sized human being that left me sick to my stomach.  When I was 19 I took a trip over to San Diego to go surf for a week or so.  I got to the plane on time and everything was going quite well. I always try to sit over the wings on an airplane for a couple of reasons.  Number one it is usually the exit row meaning lots of leg room and the possiblity of being a hero in the rare unfortunate occurrence of some happening that involves the immediate disembarkment of the airplane.  You got me.  I dont want to be a hero.  I just want to be the first off the plane in an emergency, sort of like George in that Sienfield where he pushed the grandma and little kids over and ran out the door at a party when a little fire broke out.

Im sitting there in my seat with my disc man on (no ipods back then kids) reading a surf mag waiting for the plane to take off when I see this huge behemoth a person come barreling down the aisle.   I though the plane’s landing gear was going to break this guy was so big.  He had to be at least 500 lbs. His folds of fat were hitting people in the head as he passed by their seats.  It was nauseating.

Who’s row did he stop at?  You guessed it, mine.  He looks at me and says thats my seat right there.  He was the middle and I was in the aisle and then there was some poor women in the window seat.  Fatty sits down and his blubber comes over both arms rests on each side of him completely enveloping them.  Some of which spilled onto my person.  There was so much fat his tee shirt of which material could have created an entire wardrobe for me could not conceal.  It was gross and slimy.  He had an odor of rotten eggs.  I wanted to kill myself.   I would have rather sat in the lavatory on the toilet the whole flight.

Then he hit the call button and requested a seat belt extension.  As it turns out he needed two to fit around his body.  I think he should have been forced to purchase his own row or plane for that matter.  Once we were in the air he pulled out a plate lunch of fried chicken, pizza and French fries and went to town. It was gross and I am getting the shivers up my spine just writing this.  By far it was the worst flying experience of my life, which by the way was another topic requested by Kooky.  Look at that two birds with one stone and only the points of one blog.

Pretty much about the size of the guy in my story.

"How did we get so fat" they ask? Well I would say the proof is in the pudding.

This has nothing to do with fat people but I came across it while looking for pictures of "hot female midgets" and got what you see here.

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