This weeks UCB (dont you love how we have completely moved UCB to Saturday this quarter) brings Kooky Kyle back to the winners circle with another one word submission “fat people”. Fat people is both a controversial subject and yet a rather serious one as well. It is definitely a topic not to be taken lightly, but surely inappropriate enough for this bl0g.
I used to hate fat people. I just did not understand how they got that way in the first place. No one is born fat, well I guess technically everyone is born with more proportional fat to bone ratio, but that is more for survival purposes. I wasn’t. I was born only weighing three and half pounds and was so small I was yellow. Life was bullshit for me right out of the gates. I should have been born dead. That is another story for another blog.
From that very tiny baby sprung a tiny boy and to this day I am a small man only weighing in at just over 140 pounds. So one can see how fat people have me dumbfounded. I have never been fat. I don’t even know if I have an ounce of fat on my body. It is not because I do not eat. On the contrary I eat a massive amount of food, probably enough for two people. I just dont gain weight.
Im not about to get into fat people here cause I like I said I dont understand it and cant comprehend it. If one has a tendency to get fat then there is an easy remedy to that problem: DO NOT EAT SO MUCH. If you are in a Fat Bastard situation where “I eat because Im unhappy and unhappy because I eat” go seek psychological help. There are plenty of head doctors who can help with that problem. If none of the above seem like something you are interested in then there are plenty of great plastic surgeons out there who will suck that shit right out of you for a healthy fee. I heard if you fly to Thailand or India you can get liposuction for like half the price of the US. If your a disgusting beached whale of a human there is help for you.
Enough on my thoughts on fat people. I would like to tell a short tale about one of my earliest surf trips and an encounter with a jumbo sized human being that left me sick to my stomach. When I was 19 I took a trip over to San Diego to go surf for a week or so. I got to the plane on time and everything was going quite well. I always try to sit over the wings on an airplane for a couple of reasons. Number one it is usually the exit row meaning lots of leg room and the possiblity of being a hero in the rare unfortunate occurrence of some happening that involves the immediate disembarkment of the airplane. You got me. I dont want to be a hero. I just want to be the first off the plane in an emergency, sort of like George in that Sienfield where he pushed the grandma and little kids over and ran out the door at a party when a little fire broke out.
Im sitting there in my seat with my disc man on (no ipods back then kids) reading a surf mag waiting for the plane to take off when I see this huge behemoth a person come barreling down the aisle. I though the plane’s landing gear was going to break this guy was so big. He had to be at least 500 lbs. His folds of fat were hitting people in the head as he passed by their seats. It was nauseating.
Who’s row did he stop at? You guessed it, mine. He looks at me and says thats my seat right there. He was the middle and I was in the aisle and then there was some poor women in the window seat. Fatty sits down and his blubber comes over both arms rests on each side of him completely enveloping them. Some of which spilled onto my person. There was so much fat his tee shirt of which material could have created an entire wardrobe for me could not conceal. It was gross and slimy. He had an odor of rotten eggs. I wanted to kill myself. I would have rather sat in the lavatory on the toilet the whole flight.
Then he hit the call button and requested a seat belt extension. As it turns out he needed two to fit around his body. I think he should have been forced to purchase his own row or plane for that matter. Once we were in the air he pulled out a plate lunch of fried chicken, pizza and French fries and went to town. It was gross and I am getting the shivers up my spine just writing this. By far it was the worst flying experience of my life, which by the way was another topic requested by Kooky. Look at that two birds with one stone and only the points of one blog.
Pretty much about the size of the guy in my story.
"How did we get so fat" they ask? Well I would say the proof is in the pudding.
This has nothing to do with fat people but I came across it while looking for pictures of "hot female midgets" and got what you see here.
Surfing Ruined My Life 
when I visited flagler my mom and I got stuck with a fucking monster in our row, our plane was filled to capacity otherwise we would have requested a seat change.
ucb; favorite surf trip
ucb; surf trip essentials (things to bring, plan on)
I have suggested the best surf trip before. But that second one is a good one, though it definitely varies a lot depending on the destination.
UCB hallucinogenic drugs
UCB:favorite month of the year and why.
UCB: your first barrel
haha def hallucinogenic drugs, check out erowid for fact checking
Funny you said you don’t understand how people get fat but you also said “On the contrary I eat a massive amount of food, probably enough for two people. I just dont gain weight.” You’re an idiot. Clearly you have the eating habits of a “disgusting beached whale of a human,” but you have genetics on your side to keep you thin. You pretty much disgust me more than seeing someone morbidly obese.
Its true I certainly do have the advantage of superior genetics, well above average intelligence, but no sympathy for the weak…
Monkey Cock!!!!!!
Let me tell you a story. It’s the opposite of yours. For years, I was fat. It started my freshman year in college and I kept growing. I grew out of my clothes, I felt like a horrible shit every time I went outside (because of people like you), and I wanted to die. I exercised often and went on wild diets, even developed a few eating disorders. Still, I kept getting more fat. I finally had a doctor who didn’t ignore me when I said I was working out all the time and hardly eating. Most doctors assumed I was a lazy liar, because that’s the kind of disdain and discrimination you face for weighing more than people like you consider to be acceptable. The doctor who took me seriously found a tumor pushing against my pituitary gland, causing an unfortunate condition called Cushing’s disease. I had brain surgery, and almost immediately, I got to rejoin the ranks of the fit (but I never re-inherited their ugly attitudes).
But before the surgery, when I was at my largest, I had to get on a plane. I dreaded it. Nothing is more frightening to a fat person than having to brave an airplane, especially if you are large enough to have to request a second belt. Everyone looks at you with a mix of loathing and fear, desperate not to sit by you. You get to look at all of those faces and deal with their complete rudeness, and you internalize all of that shame. It’s incredibly painful.
I was dreading the flight and took pains to make sure I would get an aisle seat, which is the best I could do, because sorry, not everyone can afford to buy two seats or a first class ticket for extra room, even if we would gladly sacrifice the money not to endure people like you. I ended up seated next to a horrible woman who looked at me in terror as I approached. I sat down, and she said, “Your fat is touching me.” Then she stood up and announced loudly that my fat was touching her, announced it to the entire plane, and everyone was staring at me. Some felt sorry for me, some were amused. But the shame of it was overwhelming. I started crying. I couldn’t stop, even though it made the whole event even more embarrassing.
The flight attendant moved me up to business class, so my dreaded fat wouldn’t invade anyone’s space, but it was one of the worst experiences of my life. What was my fat going to do? Punch her? Or is it contagious? What’s so fucking horrible about a person’s fat touching you that you would want to publicly humiliate them, either on the plane or on a blog post?
When my friends say rude shit about an overweight person, I tell them that experience, and they like to say, “But you were fat because you were sick, not because…” and then they say something shitty about fat people eating too much or being lazy. But here’s the thing: you can’t look at a fat person and tell why they’re fat. You don’t know what’s going on, and you certainly don’t know how painful it is to have people treat you like crap for things you can’t control, whether it’s Cushing’s or a binge eating disorder or you have a desk job and poor nutrition habits. It doesn’t fucking matter. Try to have a little compassion and basic decency. Treat people better, and certainly don’t write nasty blog posts that make you look like the world’s biggest asshole, regardless of your size.
I ended up finding your post because I have a friend visiting me in San Diego, and I want to get her out on the water, even though she is (*gasp*) a dreaded fat person. I was looking for board advice for heavy people, and instead I ended up on your page. I regret reading it, and it bums me out that every fat person who’s interested in surfing probably makes a similar google search, and instead of getting advice for trying an active new hobby, they find more fat shaming, as if they didn’t already face enough of that.
You’re the one who should feel embarrassed, not the fat people you devalue.
Wow that really was a mean blog and I would like to say that I have grown as a person since then. Unfortunately being an Italian for New Jersey I am not only an asshole by nature and nurture but a bigot as well. Like I said in the beginning “I used to hate fat people”. Actually I tend to get raped by the biggest nastiest fat women at the bar whenever I get black out drunk, so who has the last laugh then?
I am though seriously sorry if I offended you. SurfingRuinedMyLife.net is a comedic, ironic and most times culturally distressing at times. Take what is written with a grain of salt at best. Good on you for getting skinny.
If your friend is a bit on the hefty side put her on a bigger wider board. I would 10-12 ft this way she can have the best time possible. Take her to La Jolla shores that is a great beginner wave in your area.
Cheers!!!!
Anna
Take heart
This douche bag is from New Jersey. That is basically the lowest form of life in the surfing world, with Floridiots very close in second place.
He is a piece of manure in the surfing world. New fucking Jersey. Jesus what a loser.
Oh boy, I am really sorry you have to dislike people based on a physical attribute. I am disappointed in society that shape, size, skin color, anything still determines someone’s value and that above all there are still people, who believe to be superior human beings.
We are born equal. We will die equal. For the time between birth and death, everyone gets to decide how they want to live and that includes being big or not and is for no one to judge.
Anna, I am really sorry this happened to you and I hope you and your friend had a good time surfing. Unlike clisanti, I don’t care if you were big and have gotten skinny. I am glad the doctor removed what was causing you pain and I hope you are happy no matter what size.
Clisanti, i am not even mad at you for having written this. As you said it’s just a little joke, right? Now, what if someone is actually interested in surfing and is big will read your post? Well, I hope that person will scroll down and will read this:
YOU ARE AMAZIMG FOR EVEN LOOKING UP BIG PEOPLE SURFING. YES YOU CAN SURF AND YES YOU WILL LOVE IT, despite the haters that are going to hate and the potatoes that are going to potate.
Lastly, join the BODY POSITIVITY MOVEMENT (yes, it’s a thing). Become a voice for people of all body types and help create a society, where no one has to hide, be body shamed, or is made to feel inferior.
Clisanti: stop making People feel miserable. You’re better than that. Could you please take blog post down? Thank you for the board advice in the reply to Anna and thank you for apologizing to her. I am just going to assume you would have also apologized to her if she was still a big girl.
Peace.
Ps. Yes I am big and yes I have been surfing for years and yes, I love being a big surfer.