Posts Tagged ‘Power of Ten’

I know, I know its been a while.  All I can say is that I have been rather busy and a bit more tired then usual.  The Summer of Alf is still going strong although about to come to its culmination September 21st and with it the end of the summer quarter of the UCB.  July came and went with out a Power of Ten list because all I got was one half ass uninspiring list form Kooky.  Since then things have come up a notch.  I have decided I will still run two Power of Tens this quarter, the one I am writing right now and one other.

So if you have not submitted a list yet feel free to post one.  Remember it is worth two points.  This one is taken by none other then my boy Nick Kiefer who has been a UCB sleeping giant as of late.  Looks like he woke the fuck up and came out of the gates swinging.   Oh and feel free to submit another Power of Ten Kiefer for the quarter finale.

1. Weapon of ChoiceAt the moment I have been favoring my Samurai sword.  It slices, it dices, it cuts off heads and limbs like butter.  As a matter of fact a few weeks ago my neighbors had this out of control party that woke me up at around 3am to the sounds of broken glass and screaming “get the fuck out of here”.  Things seemed a bit out of hand so I grabbed my sword off the mantle, unsheathed it and went over to play referee. “I don’t care who is right or who is wrong but if shit does not resolve itself right now I am going to start taking arms and legs”.  Problem solved.  For my favorite ghetto weapon check out a blog a wrote a bit back:  Resourceful Weaponry.  Its one of my funnier blogs.

Heads are gonna roll…I love destroying bad artwork from a whore of an artist. Thanks for the partying gift bitch.  The pieces are in the mail.

2. The “N” WordI hate the “N” word. Girls always seem to say it right as I am trying to get my hand up their skirts, NO! I suppose that was not the “N” word you were eluding to.  I once accidentally dropped the N-bomb at one of my dinner parties while my black friend Chantelle was in attendance.  Needless to say the entire room got silent I went red and she replied “that’s your one”.  Whats the big fucking deal.  I don’t get mad when people call me a guido in jest and black people call each other that word all time in rap music. You know what I’m taking it back…

3. Long HairSo this is sort of a touchy subject for me. I once had long hair, down to my shoulders.  I started growing it out when I was 12 and kept it at around shoulder length till last summer, read “Commitment Cut” for more about that.  I loved my long hair.  I used to say it was the source of my strength as a person like Samson and Delia from the Old Testament.  Then like Samson I cut my hair after Adrienne and I broke up hoping it would make a positive change in my life.  For one thing it made existing in our close minded society a lot easier.  All of a sudden jobs were easier to get, people took me more seriously on the outside I almost looked like a decent human being.  I have found the quality of women I meet has went down since I cut my hair which I though would have had the opposite effect.  Go figure. There is something about the feeling of the wind in your hair and the way it feels on your neck when your hair is long that gives one a sense of freedom. I am actually at the moment trying to decide whether to grow the hair back or not.  What do you folks think?

4. Harry Potter: Well I actually do not know much about the books or the movies since I have not read of seen either.  It just was not my generation and as an adult just did not have much interest in them.  My friend and former couch guy Charlie Sean and I took to calling our ex-girl friends Voldemort to help ween us off of using their names all of the time.  Honestly that Harry Potter guy looks like a bit of a faggot to me.

5.  VegetariansAs a lover of food I just could not imagine voluntarily giving up anything.   As a cook it can be a pain in my ass at times.  These days between Vegans, gluten free, raw food diets and whatever other weird new ass shit people come up with it makes feeding everyone happily a head ache.  I know one thing is for sure any chick I ever end up with has to enjoy eating everything or it is not going to work out.  Cows are vegetarians and I eat them.

6. The Olympics:  I have to admit besides catching an event or two randomly at the bar I did not watch any of them.  The summer Olympics on the whole has always been a bit of a bore to me.  I do prefer the action of the winter games.  Also I do not have a television making watching the games more difficult and the US Open of Surfing was on at the same time.  I will take amazing surfing in shitty waves and hot half naked girls in bikinis on the beach in sunny California over stuck up cold rainy England any day.

7. Fat People The blog with the all time most hits that I have written here on SurfingRuinedMyLife.net is “Those Carrying a Little Weight People” a blog I wrote about fat people.  It is also the one I get the most hate mail from.  One happy reader and I quote “Funny you said you don’t understand how people get fat but you also said “On the contrary I eat a massive amount of food, probably enough for two people. I just dont gain weight.” You’re an idiot. Clearly you have the eating habits of a “disgusting beached whale of a human,” but you have genetics on your side to keep you thin. You pretty much disgust me more than seeing someone morbidly obese.”   I said it once and I will say it again if your fat and you do not want to be eat less and exercise more its that easy.  Just like when I bitch about being a drunk.  There is an easy solution there drink less.  Let the hate mail continue.

8. Fishermen fishing in the LineupIt took me years to realize this and many conversations with the fishing enthusiast to find out that where the best waves are is usually where the best fishing is.  I guess they are attracted to certain currents along sand bars and what not.  Also piers are built for fishing in lots of places and those piers end up creating a good wave causing friction between the fishermen and surfers.  Out here one of the spots I frequent is always loaded with surf casters but they are really respectful and always pull their lines down when they see a surfer approaching unlike back east where they try to hook you.  I once got hooked by a bunch of redneck assholes in Hatteras years and years ago. But that is a story for another time.

9. SpeedosI am personally not a fan of speedos outside of their functional use which is for swimming with the least amount of drag.  I know the Euro guys love that shit and the Aussies where them under their wetsuits.  I personally do not like wearing them because my gargantuan penis does not fit inside such constraint an area.

10. Foreign GirlsThis is a group of women which is completely hit or miss for me.  On one hand they find me super attractive as an American surfer boy from California.  Then open my mouth and they are lost by my Lisant-bonics and strange accent.  There was this foreign girl all over me at Sharkeez the other night but just like all the other women that have been attracted to me this year she was morbidly obese, which brings us back to number 7.  To be honest, foreign, domestic, black, white, Asian, big, small its all warm and wet inside now isn’t it.

Read Full Post »

For the last two weeks things were looking mighty good for Mauriello to take this quarter and the year.  Where had Kooky Kyle been.  Well if you follow this blog then you already know the answer.  Poor Kooky has been run ragged by me all over Santa Barbara in plenty of surfing and drunken mishaps.  All the chaos makes it hard to come up with UCB topics.  Not to mention when you are living in the court of Lisanti Land I answer most of your topics orally anyhow.  Mauriello can attest to that.  Kooky put forth an amazing Power of Ten one that would make even the likes of Nick the Kook proud.  He snags two points for his efforts.

1. What if trees could talk?:  Here is something I think about quite often since trees live for such a greater duration in comparison to the that of humans.  I personally am highly impressed by trees.  Their immense size and ability for survival makes me think they must be of a higher plane than us.  I believe they most likely can talk but care not to waste their breath on such simpletons as human beings.  I  like to assume that if trees could talk it would be much like Tolkien wrote in The Two Towers, the second book of the Lord of the Rings saga.

2. Pigeons Vs. Seagulls: Wow what a fight, beach rats against the city rats.  I have seen both species go at it in the heart of the city and on the beach.  Unless out numbered the seagulls always win.  If I had to pick a favorite and mind you this a stretch since I hate both species of birds I would have to go with sea gulls cause they make for hours of fun entertainment whenever I am stuck going to the beach outside of surfing.  Here is a fun little side story.  I hate just sitting on the beach.  It bores the shit out of me.  Over the summer I went on a beach date with this chick.  She fell asleep on the blanket we were sitting on.  As soon as she did that I went to town building an intricate society of sand castles with roads and different class neighborhoods. She ends up dozing off for nearly three hours.  Upon waking she found herself surrounded by this bizarre sand community I had been working on.  She looked at me with this interested yet somewhat appalling gaze.  Needless to say she did not return any of my calls after.

3. Ridiculous T-Shirts: This is a topic close to my heart.  I have always had a thirst to wear the dumbest most nonsensical, crazy colored t-shirts I could get my hands on.  I used to scour the surf shop racks for them as a kid, then raid my sponsor’s barracks for the most bizarre stuff I could find.  These days I score most of my finds on the $3 rack at Kmart. You should see some of the gnarl I wear.  Let your imagination run wild on this one.   Today for example I wore a shirt with nothing but a giant red human heart on it.  Yesterday I wore a shirt with a picture of a llama on it that said “I am not a camel, I am a llama”.  Day before that I wore a Globe shirt completely covered in a variety of assault rifles, hand guns and shot guns.  That is just the last three days.  I have an entire closet full.

I have just a few crazy shirts. Yes I have extreme OCD and those shirts are color coordinated.


4.  My Accent: This is one that always provides a laugh at my expense everywhere I go.  In my younger days I at times got hot headed about it.  Now I just work material off of it and enjoy partaking in the laughter.  If you can’t laugh at yourself sometimes then your taking life too seriously.  Shit I spend the majority of my time laughing at myself.  My crazy accent also has gotten me laid on many of occasion.  People never quite know where I am from and I have got everything from Aussie, to European, to just plain idiot.  What is this accent I speak?  It is a mix of New York, New Jersey, Surfer, Jazz Cat, Hipster, Californian, Australian, Italian. Basically I like to sum it up as Lisantbonics.

5.  Serenity Garden: I get stressed out sometimes.  A few years ago I got stressed out most of the time and did not know how to deal with  it except to fly off the handle and make an angry fool of myself.  Then I was at this Japanese exhibit in Florida and found real peace walking through their intricate little gardens.  When I returned to California I began a modest garden of potted succulents I grew from clippings.  Then I started finding all these plants in the trash my neighbor would throw away when the plants started looking ugly on her.  I pruned, trimmed, re-potted and nursed these plants back to health and have gotten great results.  All the while I would become very relaxed out there doing it.  Then again my backyard does overlook the ocean on one end and the beautiful mountains that surround Santa Barbara on the other.  Now that they have finished construction on City College it has gotten even more amazing back there.  I know whenever I am feeling especially down about the Adrienne situation I go our there and do some pruning and feel better.  Why cant people be like plants so that when you show them love and tenderness they grow to be marvelous.  I know my plants will be there for me as long as I take care of them.

A flower I picked from my garden, the whole garden pulled back and a few of my potted friends including, basil, agave, pineapple, thyme, rosemary and others.


6. French Food:  I fucking hate french food, with the exception of their baked goods.  It is so involved and over zealous.  Let me tell everyone a fact back in the days of monarchy  France one of their kings married an Italian princess and she brought her entire Italian cook staff over to Paris with her.  Her crew and the kings crew developed the French cuisine most known to us today.  Not to mention that we have been cooking over in Italy as long as the French.  The Italians were just too lazy to write it down.

7.  What Does Alfie Do When He Runs Away:  Alfie has become quite the little Houdini finding ways out of my apartment when not a door or window has been opened.  For a while I figured he just ran around killing shit and eating garbage.  Since his recent heroin addiction courtesy of my former roommate I am pretty sure he is running all over town looking for another fix.  With out Sleepy Time Nick here (the loving nick name we gave him since the heroin always made him fall asleep, sometimes even standing up) anymore poor Alfie has no more junk to get him his fix.  Poor cat went through a tough withdrawal.  Minus all the chunks of fur missing from him and the insatiable cravings I would say he is almost back to normal.

Alfie all strung out with no fix in sight. Sorry bud, but I taught you better.


8.  Favorite Author:  Myself of course.  Just kidding.  I suck compared to the greats.  To pick one would be a real crime but I will narrow it down to my top few in no order: Dickens, Hemingway, Thoreau, Ayn Rand, George Elliot, Shakespeare, Thomas Hardy, Voltaire, Faulkner, Hawthorne, Dostoevsky just to name a few.

9. What Does Alfie Think About the Girls I Bring Home:  I don’t know what he thinks.  These days I try not to keep them around long enough for him to get attached to them.  Poor Alfie was left behind by my ex-wife.  He was her cat, but due to her career path out of the country she was unable to care for him.  This left him in the custody of me, which for any living creature is a pretty scary feat.  Since then he constantly has been searching for another female and when I have such guest he charges her.  Then he could not get enough of Adrienne.  She left and the poor guy did not come away from the front door for weeks.  Since then I don’t really like women to get too close to him.  It is easier for her just to walk out on me.  At least I know why she is leaving.  Poor Alfie has no idea at all.  He just knows that she is gone.  I think that is way worse.

10.  Why Surfing in Santa Barbara Sucks:  First off surfing in general sucks.  The waves are always a let down.  The spots are always too crowded and it was better twenty years ago.  For all those reasons is why surfing sucks in Santa Barbara.  In all seriousness surfing in Santa Barbara is a bit more challenging in the sense that one really must be in tune with every swell angle, wind direction and swell period if he is to score the best possible waves.  You better have a reliable car that gets good gas mileage for all the driving involved in the hunt.  Either that or have a very, very versatile quiver and a love for stand up paddling.  The biggest reason why surfing sucks in Santa Barbara is to watch a handful of world class waves be completely dormant more then 75% of the time.

Yep Surfing in Santa Barbara sure is terrible. Don't come here you will get skunked.


Read Full Post »