Surfing Ruined My Life

Today marks the official end of summer on the modern Calendar and if those Mayan dudes are correct we are just a few months till the end of the world and thank fucking  god cause I don’t really have a back up plan for 2013 if the world does not end.   With the end of this summer also concludes the SUMMER OF ALF!!! I know it feels like it only just began and now it is over :(.  Was it a success or failure?  You will just have to wait for my Summer of Alf index report blog to find out, although if you read the surf log you might have been able to speculate the answer to that one.  If not check back at June, July, August and September and you can make your own assumption.  Then read “Of Things to Come” and really see how well I did accomplishing some of those summer goals and if your completely lost on what the Summer of Alf is read “I declare this the Summer of Alf” blog.  Then answer the fun poll below.  Hooray!!!

The 21st of September does not just end the summer of 2012 or THE SUMMER OF ALF, but also the summer quarter of the UCB.  I know what your thinking, what quarter you only wrote like 2 UCB’s.  Whatever, sorry folks I was too busy living in the moment of the SUMMER OF ALF and getting drunk at the Wild Cat and fornicating with loose women.  Yeah for sluts at the bar.  Nothing says good times like waking up in the morning next to a person you have no idea ever meeting or how she got to be in your home, let alone why she is naked next to you.  Ahhh single living,thank you Ades for all you have done for me.  I am sure I will look back on all this someday and laugh…NOT!

Before I close out the summer UCB quarter I thought why no conclude it with one more Power of Ten list.  Mauriello takes the cake on this one.  I must say there were some really hefty lists posted.  Choosing one was a realy mental fight.  Ultimately I let Alfie choose.   John you can thank him for your two points.

The cat of cats Alfie making this months Power of Ten winner selection.

1. Die Antwoord: Die Antwoord is this ridiculous house music group from South Africa.  Mauriello is currently obsessed with them and after watching way way way too many of their videos on YouTube.com I too have been a bit corrupted.  Who are we kidding I was already fucked to begin with.  You can make the decision for yourself. “Old enough to breed, old enough to bleed, old enough crack a brick in your teeth”.  Oh the shit that is out there in this world and then we wonder why our society is slowly falling apart.  Then again people thought Shakespeare was obscene in his time.

2. Interacting With Normal People: I think by now if you have been reading for a bit or even if you just read the intro to this blog you have figured out that I am not like everyone else.  The word “normal” is very subjective kind of like when one tries to judge surfing.  To me normal means behavior that comes natural to oneself.  In my mind everything I do is normal.  Unfortunately according to the standards of society I am actually very abnormal.  So that brings us to the question at hand, how do I interact with normal people.  Mostly they are appalled by my actions, speech and behavior.  Some are awestruck, others deeply impressed and the a small group slightly to very confused.  Most of the time I am not serious about anything and am very sarcastic.  I make a suicide joke on here at least once a week.  I find the taboo very amusing and like to play with those parameters.  This makes your run of the mill everyday American very uncomfortable.  More then that I do whatever I want, whenever I want, where ever I want regardless of the consequences. I am brutally honest and not afraid to make a complete ass of myself, which usually is the outcome for me 90% of the time.  Normal people just don’t understand me and therefore put on an uncomfortable smile and occasional awkward giggle biding their time till they can politely, but promptly take their leave of me and never come back.  Those of you out there who have witnessed this know exactly what I am talking about.

3. Nicholas Cage: I really like Nicholas Cage.  As a matter of fact I cannot think of a movie he has been in that I have not liked.  Sure he only has three looks, creepy happy, creepy angry and creepy pathetic, but he uses them well.  “Leaving Las Vegas” is one of my all time favorite tragic romances, “The Wickerman” is a gnarly ass suspense that has you guessing till the last second.  “Lord of War”  and “The Weatherman” will have you laughing your ass off.  “Gone in 60’s Seconds” is action packed and “8mm” is just plain heavy.  Just to name a few.

Sort of looks like when I go grocery shopping.

4. The Implications of Granny Panties: This is a very good topic and one I have some experience sadly with.  When the granny panties come out you can kiss your sex life with your girl friend goodbye along with it.  Basically what cotton full cover panties means is “I don’t care about turning you on anymore”.  With this always comes the sweat pants, “Im too tired” and ultimately her sleeping next to you in full on pajamas.  It means your girlfriend, wife or whatever does not give a shit about sex with you except for that two times a month when she is horny.  Its a very sad predicament my friends.  I am not saying ladies that you have to be in thongs all the time, but there are plenty of sexy options out there in pantie design that will still offer comfort but drive us wild.  Yes you may not be comfortable sleeping naked, but there are also plenty of sexy sleep options that are comfortable as well.  That XXL t-shirt does not do shit for me.  I know, how bout if I gain thirty pounds grow a beer belly and sit around on the couch all day in a pair of stained tighty whities and a wife beater.  Sounds grotesque doesn’t it.  That is exactly what we think of the granny panties.  Its only ok if your a granny and I am so old that not even an entire bottle of Viagra could get my dick up. Let the hate mail begin!

5. Roommates: Ahh roommates, the necessity of the poor.  Sure I could live with out a roommate if I wanted to go live in Goleta, Carpinteria, a shitty part of town and give up my ocean and mountain view.  Either that or I could rent a studio with one room, a bathroom a microwave and a hot plate.  Sorry I need a kitchen and love my view.  That being said the Lisanti Palace is not cheap and Alfie that lazy S.O.B wont go out and get a job.  Thus I have roommates.  Here at the Palace we have been through dozens.  Some were crazy, some sucked, some loved shooting heroin, others were great.  Overall my only goal in this life is to someday make enough money that I can support the Palace on my own.  That and get my Bentley of course.

6. Backside Barrel Rides: I love backside barrel riding.  It is way gnarlier, looks sicker, is more technical and you can just get so much deeper in the tube.  When you come out of an acid drop drainer back hand with no grab and nothing but your hands on your testicles it’s legendary.  I am a goofy in the northern hemisphere which contributes to an inane backside tube ridding ability.  It also helps that I grew up in New Jersey known for either flat days or heaving right hand barrels.  Now I live in Santa Barbara home to two of the best right hand barrels in the world, Sand Spit and El Capitan.  Lets just say when a heavy one is bearing down on me backside I don’t even think twice about pulling in.

Slab Happy in South Australia

7. Bar Fights: There is something really invigorating about getting into a good old fashioned bar fight.  It seems these days I have been getting into way more of my share then I should be.  The main cause of it is when other guys girl friends decide they would rather hang out with myself or my buddies.  Then the other guy gets jealous and comes over all angry “What are you doing with my girl”.  Then I respond “hey guy if I were you instead of wasting your time getting all huffy with us you ought to check your bitch”.  Next thing you know punches get thrown.  In Australia and New Zealand guys will drag you out of the pub with the sole intention of fighting you just because.  You will rumble and then the winner buys the loser a beer and they are friends for life.  It happened to me when I was in NZ and that dude and I chilled all the time after that.  For a funny bar fight story involving yours truly at Fiesta last year read “Fiesta 2011 Ole!” Blog.  Basically I started a full on bar room brawl by accident.  Read it I promise you will laugh.

8. Fast Food: I know I am a very accomplished cook and purveyor of eating well, but there is just something about a juicy Big Mac that just gets my mouth watering.   I have this guilty passion for fast food.  There is just something about consuming a weeks worth of caloric intake in just a matter of minutes that fascinate me.  I am also dumbfounded on how they manage to charge so little money. All that sodium and grease, oh baby…YUM!  Top five national fast food places in order from least to greatest: 5. Taco Bell, 4. Wendy’s, 3. KFC 2. Mac Donalds, 1. Subway, fuck if its good enough for Happy Gilmore it is good enough for me and with $5 foot longs all month you bet your ass I am doing some damage there.

9. The Fountain Head: The Fountain Head is a master piece novel by Ayn Rand.  I was turned onto her by my ex-girlfriend who at the time passed it along to me.  It blew my mind and I could not put it down.  The Fountain Head pretty much sums up human integrity into a few stereo typical categories reflected from each of the main characters.  Be for warned you many not end up being the character you expected if you are a person who can look at yourself truthfully.  I saw who I was really fast and it helped me a bit to make certain alterations in my own life.  If you do read it or have read it I think you will clearly see which character reflects me the most as well.  More then anything the novel is a true testament to the human spirit and staying true to your own beliefs no matter what the cost.  First and fore most this has always been the driving force in my own life.  “All these years I had hoped to run into you so I could ask you just what you thought of me after all I have done to destroy you”…”Honestly I don’t think about you at all”-Howard Roark.

10. How to Meet Ms. Perfect: These days popular opinion keeps telling me that I am going to meet her on the internet on some online dating site.  I could not even stomach the idea.  I would be ok with meeting someone off Craigslist cause like I said before its a bit more sketchy on there.  Any chick who has the guts to post on there is a woman worthy of my esteem or at least a look.  I am sorry but I am a hopeless romantic at heart and our meet cute has to be something out of a story.  I have only seriously been with three woman and all there were such.  There was no internet involved, well maybe just a little bit in my most recent failure.  I guess that was not so recent anymore.  If you don’t have a romantic story early on than what is going to happen to your relationship years down the pike?  Maybe I am just old fashioned and a dreamer, but I think I will keep dreaming.