Posts Tagged ‘I think I could beat Kooky Kyle in a Masturbation contest’

So what if May came and went like 16 days ago?  In Lisanti time that was yesterday.  In geological time it barely even registered.  There were two lists submitted for May (John and Kooky) and it would be rather rude of me to ignore that.  Sorry Danny yours counts towards June.  I have to say I was less then impressed with either list, but Mauriello’s took the cake and as such he will be awarded two points for his actions.  Now don’t fret June is here and that means you can still submit a list and the points will count towards spring.  I have decided to end the Spring quarter June 30th instead of the 21st.

1. Toughest Air Grabs to Pull off in SurfingTen years ago if you could just pull a sizable air it was sick.  If you could stick a rotation you were the man.  Now if can’t stick an air reverse nine times out of ten and have some type of flip in your arsenal you might as well be a  a sorry excuse for a ripper.  A grab is done for two reasons: to keep the board under your feet better or to invert an air to make it even  more gnarly.  The two hardest in my opinion one of which I can pull off the other I cannot are Stale Fish in which a surfer uses his inside arm and grabs the inside tail rail.  I find this one to be somewhat easy backside, very difficult front side.  The second one I completely gave up on as a result of far too many shitty wipe outs: Kerrupt.  The Kerrupt began as a sort of inverted ally-oop flip that was known as the Kerrupt Flip. Then people started doing the grab in all sorts of aerial inversions thus making it a grab as well.  Basically you turn completely looking at your tail and grab both tail rails of your board while crossing your arms.  You need a ton of air to pull this and there is a lot of room for error and injury when you fail.

Stale Fish

Here Evan Geiselman demonstrates a perfect stale fish.

2. MasturbationWhat can I say.  I don’t think anyone is as big an advocate for masturbation then me, except maybe Kooky Kyle.  Men talk openly about it, women are more secretive.  The establishment would have you believe it is a shameful act.  I say why not pleasure oneself.  End of story

3. My type (In Terms of Women)This is with out a doubt one of those topics I have been pondering for sometime now, could be a blog in itself if I actually knew the answer.  Looks wise its not too specific although I do prefer brunettes over blondes, like a darker complexion. Them pale pasty folk confuse me.   I dig a petite figure that is well proportioned.  I cook Italian food so she has to start out small so that I don’t make her too fat.  Height is a big issue for me.  She needs to be no taller then around 5’5/5’6.  Im only 5’9 and bit on the smaller side for a man in general (don’t fret ladies my man downstairs is more then he needs to be).  I like to dress up and go out and expect the same for my girl.  If she puts on heels and is either right at my height or taller how is that going to look?  Like shit, that’s how.  Remember Tom Cruise next to Nicole Kidman and then everyone wondered why they got divorced.  Personality wise at this point its up in the air.  I’m a tough one to put up with so I guess if she can stand my bs at least half the time she would be a saint.  She must have a healthy sex drive.  That “I’m too tired” crap is not going to fly ever again.  I’m not saying I want a nympho, but would love it if she would be all over me for a change.

Tom and Nicole back in the day. Look its like he is her pet monkey or something. Not going to be me.

4. Real DollsThis is some twisted shit even for me.  Although if it was for me I could use the previous topic to order my own “perfect” woman.  A blow up doll is one thing.  That is masturbation with props, but this shit is heavy.  These look almost real.  Anyone ever see the movie “Lars and the Real Girl”? It was based on this premise exactly.  Its a really decent movie actually.  I need to get a copy of that.  If one of my readers wants to hook it up send it to me with a picture of yourself and I will frame it and hang on the wall in my living room and worship you like a false idol.

5. The Surf IndustryJust when I thought we were done with all the dirty talk John goes and picks the dirtiest topic of them all.  I’m pretty sure the surfing industry is run solely by the devil.  It’s a classic Adam and Eve situation.  The Hawaiians created this pure amazing entity, where all one had to do was cut down a tree turn it into a ride-able hung of wood and go ride waves naked. Pure and simple,  Men, women, children all living in bliss, one with the ocean.  hundreds of years later some imbecilic business man in a suit decided he could sell this wonderful life style to the masses and convinced the current participants at the time it was for the betterment of the sport.   I.e. Eve having Adam eat the apple.  Then the Movie Gidget came out and surfers were expelled from the garden of Eden forced to endure crowds, traffic, kooks, valley people, stand up paddlers, surf camps, and all the other current annoyances in everyday surfing life.

6. HaircutsI feel like this should be a given, but then I am constantly amazed at the number of people who don’t care about their hair.  For me its my vanity for sure, but deeper then that I have baldness in my family and thus far am hanging on like a barnacle.  I feel it is my duty in thankfulness of whatever higher power has allowed me such good fortune and take the best care of my hair possible.  A good hair dresser is an artist, pure gold.  My current one a profit of hair design.  Everyone who cares about their hair ought to have their own hair stylist only they will go to.  If mine moves away I may seriously consider relocating.  Tipping should 30%.

8.  InlandersThese people baffle me.  I will start with Valley folk and work my way completely inland.  If you truly love the ocean then living a mere 30minutes to an hour inland is a fucking travesty to your soul just to save a few bucks in rent.  I pay a shit load of money for my ocean view causing me to live way outside of my means.  Waking up every morning to the smell of sea and then glancing at it out my window makes it worth all the sacrifice and frustration.  Those people who have never stepped foot on the beach in their entire lives cause they live hundreds of miles inland well I will have to go with Meg Ryan’s line from “Joe Vs The Volcano” “I have no response to that”.

8.  South Swell Hype:  Its officially summertime on the West Coast of the US and that means South Swell season or in other words a ton of bullshit and lots of let down.  Maybe it you live from Huntington Beach and south the hype is worth something. North of that it is all lies and heartbreak .  Most times its just a reason for Surfline.com to get extra hits.  In Santa Barbara who gives a fuck unless you have a boat since the Islands block everything anyway.  If you happen to be lucky enough to have a boat or ranch access you will be welcomed by quite the crowd to reward your efforts.  If you live in the Southern Hemisphere good on ya, but here in California it is nothing but a bunch of bull shit.

Over hyped or not you cant beat a good day at Malibu with 500 of your closest friends.

9.  Having to Use a Bathroom at in Opportune TimesRead this blog I wrote back in 2009 for my thoughts on this topic: Bathroom Revenge and Good Times.

10.  Alfie’s New ToyAbout a few weeks ago I decided Alfie’s life was a bit too simple and needed some adversity.  I devised this diamond type contraption I built out of cardboard with a little whole on two sides just big enough to let out a small kernel of dry food if kicked in just the right combination.  It drove him crazy.  Now he has it down to an art.  He can get all the food out of it in under thirty minutes.  I guess I need to go back to the drawing board.

Alfie hard at work…


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