Surfing Ruined My Life

Well everyone this week marks the last week of the summer quarter of the UCB.  The 21st has come and gone and like summer so has this quarter.  I must say it has been a rather dicey one and I have no idea at the moment who will win.  Before I tally up the points and claim a champion I first want to write September’s Power of Ten Blog, worth two points and there will be one more UCB blog written this week that will also be included for the Summer quarter.  Mauriello wins this months power of ten and earns two UCB points.  Here is his list.

1.  Asian Girls  – I have never dated an Asian girl.  I think it is because I am politically incorrect and call them Orientals.  In all seriousness I rarely find one that turns me on.  It is funny too cause most guys I talk to are all about the tiny Asian chicas.  I guess it is the en-vogue thing right now.  I did meet a guy from Korea at the bar once who after watching the girl I was with disrespect me multiple times before going home with some other guy all together (Santa Barbara Girls just exude class) told me I should meet an Asian girl fresh off the boat and she would treat me right.  There is this cashier at Albertsons, whom I have been friends with for years.  She is Chinese and although not a real looker I bet she would make a good wife.  I mean she works like 60 hours a week so I know she has good work ethic.  I should propose to her.  I figure it can’t be any worse then the women I spend my time with these days.

2.  Aiming While Peeing – For starters I have the worst aim ever when it comes to hitting the bowl.  When I am sober I have a 50/50 chance.  When I am drunk those stats drop considerably.  What that means is I clean a ton of piss off my bathroom floor.  I find it astounding that I am so challenged at a seemingly futile task.  I mean I am only 5’9 and I have a gargantuan penis leaving not all that much distance to cover.  I tried to write my name in the snow once and just ended up pissing all over myself.

3.  Shaving – I know I wrote an entire blog about this back in like 2006.  If someone goes back to the myspace site and finds it I will give you two UCB points.  Post the blog in the comments of this blog.  Anyhow I hate shaving and am terrible at it.  Like that peeing thing its just not something I have a finesse for.  I cut myself every other time I shave and my face hurts like hell afterwards.  I have tried those electric razors, but I am Italian and it does not get close enough leaving me with a five O’clock shadow only a few hours later.  I used to rock a beard for a while but I got tired of the Jesus/homeless/terrorists gags.  Maybe I should get electrolysis for my entire face.

4. Micheal Jackson – I love Jack-o even if at times he was a little wack-o.  His music was tight and his eccentricities entertaining.  I am very sorry he died his untimely death yet it might have been better for him to leave a world in which he was misunderstood.  I still do not believe he molested any children.  Well maybe just the British children.  Then again not even George Washington saved them.

5.  Emma Wood – Emma Wood is a shitty beach/reef break in Northern Ventura County.  Its a bowly punchy wave that is glorified shore break at best.  That being said it has become the epicenter of high performance surfing in the (805) and on any given day a host of local pros, groms, up and comers, rippers and has beens will be out battling for shitty little peaks.  One thing for sure it is one of the more consistent waves in the area, handles most swell directions and a wave can be found there over 300 days a year.  Also its a great wave to shoot photos on thanks to it’s proximity to the beach and is one of the few spots around here where you can watch the action from your car while smoking a bowl and chugging a brew.

6.  Disney Movies – I have to say I am a not a fan at all.  Some of the older stuff from the sixties are not horrible but overall you can take that G rated family shit and shove it up your ass.  I will raise my children on mafia movies like Casino and Scarface.  No sense making them grow up in a fantasy world only to find out what a cold relentless place it is later.  If I had to pick one I would go with Aladdin.  Jasmine had a nice rack and I would have titty fucked the shit out of her, then bent her over the bed and got her from behind.

7.  Teaching Dogs Tricks –  As far as I am concerned outside of herding dogs, seeing eye dogs and bomb squad dogs they are more trouble then they are worth.  I don’t care if they roll over, play dead or shake my hand.  You want a real trick, shit in the toilet, do not chew up the furniture and don’t eat shit that will make you puke.  Those are tricks I would want my fictitious dog to learn.  Movie dogs are ok too for entertainment value.  While we are on the subject I hate when people dress up their dogs.  It really makes me mad.

8.  Surf Board Quivers –  Been there, done that, wrote that.

9. Ice Sculptures –  I had a friend who did ice sculptures for a living a few years back.  The guy was crazy talented at it.  I always thought it would be really frustrating to spend all that time on something you knew was going to melt in a few hours for some stupid party for unappreciative rich people.  I would rather turn that block of ice into a liquor luge and have a real good time.

10.  Forrest Gump – On one hand I find Forrest Gump to be a rather powerful yet some what far fetched film.  On the other I get really pissed off to think that a fucking retard could do some much more in his life then I ever will.  Fuck him, his box of chocolates and Lieutenant Dan.  Jenny was a babe.  Too bad she was all messed up in the head like ever other bitch out there to realize what a good man she had. Sorry folks I am a little bitter this week.

Tell me that is not a cartoon you would not be all over?

I will take a mail order Asian.

Jack-o you are missed.

Emma Wood, an oldie but a goodie.