Surfing Ruined My Life

I don’t know why I keep coming back to Ashanti.  Maybe that is my plight in life.  I cant move on?  I don’t really know. Its fucking 3:o7am. I have had a bit too much to drink yet not enough as always.  That is what alcoholism is all about after all.  I’m fresh off a good night at the Wild Cat.  These days I find myself taking a spot on the wall with all the other barnacles.  I guess I am just a next generation?  So be it.

Not much was popping off and I was about to leave when I heard a good song and decided to hit the dance floor and bust a move.  I was enjoying myself till my old fifi showed up with some other dude.  This guy was not even close to me.  I was looking like class and he was looking like trash.  I just do not get it?   Maybe I am not suppose to.  I mean she made a fool of me the last few times we got together.  Yet there she was looking fabulous as always and I just thought man why aren’t we together right now?  But alas it was not in the cards for us.  I cordially said hi, gave her a hug, met the guy she was with, then went about my business.   What more could I do? Nothing.  That is how life shapes up.  I would like to think she had some remorse even if it momentarily.

I know she felt nothing of the sort cause she never felt anything for me ever.  In my odd misfortune or good fortune I have no recourse on how I should feel or what I should think.  So I tell myself I wont think about it yet I still do.  Constantly plagued by my own insanity.  I am proud of myself for standing my ground and not giving her the satisfaction to how pained I was to see her with some other idiot. Fuck it, whatever.

Now about this song.  I want to dedicate it to all the happy couples that are out there.  I watch my couch mate Ryan and his girl friend Addy every day and see how happy and satisfied they are with their love for each other.  Sometimes it sickens me and causes me to drink a little more then I already do.  Then I reevaluate the situation and am very happy for their happiness together.  I had that kind of merriment once, well twice actually.  I mainly blame myself for both failing, but then again it takes two to tango.  How could I have expected to have anything worthwhile when I am broken?

This song is for all the lovers out there who have that rare connection that only two people can share between one another.  Love is not easy and most times it doesn’t make sense.  I have never understood it.  I am always pained by it, but constantly baffled by it.  Maybe I had my shot and I am now destined to be perpetually alone.  If that is my lot in life, so be it.  I fucked over two decent human beings because of who I am and perchance that is my fate then.  That was my chance.  Fine I will face my sad lot in life to wander the earth alone for eternity with my head up then.

For those of you who have love.  All I can say is cherish it cause there are a great number of us who go with out.  I will root for you.   Sure it wont be all sunshine and roses, but if it was then would it be worth it?  Nothing worth doing in this life is.  I think that is how it should be.  It was not easy for Romeo and Juliet or Rick in Casablanca or Elizabeth and Darcy in Pride and Prejudice.  That is what true love is all about, struggle.  Whenever I hear this song it brings a smile to my face even in my darkest hour.  So here I am sharing it with all of you.  Plus Ashanti is the shit.  Enjoy, sorry for rambling about bullshit.