Surfing Ruined My Life

This week makes a winner of Kooky Kyle in the UCB with his topic “Going Hard”.  Ok, I sort of fed him this topic, but that is one of the few benefits of living in Lisanti Land and being a member of the court.  Kooky is also living involuntarily stuck in the going hard philosophy that has with out a doubt ran my life since as long as I can remember.  Lisanti Land can be exhausting.  My old boss and good friend Steve chilled here for six weeks this summer and still refers to his time at the the Palace as “Lisanti Boot Camp”.

What the fuck am I talking about you ask?  There is this famous saying “I will sleep when I’m dead”.  I am whole heartily a believer of such.   I hate wasting time.  Life is short.  We never know when that last bell is going to toll.  I still cannot believe I have lived to be this old.  I and most who know me had me pegged to be dead by 25, that came and went and now at thirty I am still going strong and for the most part pushing the envelope harder then I ever have.

Originally for me “going hard” was a term I used to describe my party capabilities.  I would show up at your party or my own, down a fifth of rum and get absolutely wild. The jury was always out on whether or not that was a good thing or not. Poor Kooky has I think experienced more black outs in the last few months living with me then in his entire life.  That is because when we go out we go hard.  The drinks flow all night long, we rock the dance floor, dress fabulous and ultimately leave a somewhat lasting impression, even if it is “I can’t believe they are still letting those two idiots in here”.

Enough about my alcoholism and incessant party.   My life is rather cyclical.  I have been going around in a circle for so long now I lost my bearings and never really know if I have moved backward or forward.   For the most part it works like this and in a way this almost covers a single power of ten topic from Nick the Kook.  I start off wild and out of control and I thrive in that insanity for a while.  Overall it holds me back from accomplishing anything substantial.  I take a few steps in one direction then a few back, so on and so forth.  At times I even accomplish some rather amazing shit, but for whatever reason when push comes to shove and things begin to take off for me I go and blow it.

Then I meet a woman, fall in love with her, give her my all for a while thus the go hard philosophy.  Things go well for a while till the wild Chris starts getting restless and blows it.  Left to his own devices unchecked wild Chris ends up wreaking havoc on both himself and his surroundings.  Then I meet another woman and things just keep repeating.  So I would hope everyone should understand what part of the cycle I am in now.  Wild Chris is back, except he is not so wild anymore, but more just completely devoid of any semblance of reality.     The end goal is to go hard at ending this relentless cycle of pain and self destruction.

Enough about my insanity.  I am sorry for getting into that right now in the middle of explaining what going hard is all about. Listen up cause this is really the only thing I want you to take from this blog.  Whatever I have done in life I gave it my all.  I did not half ass anything.  When I wanted to make a go of things in Music everyone told me I was wasting my time and energy.  Big people in the business told me I was not good enough.  I did not listen.  I went home and practiced every day.  When every one of my top schools rejected me on the basis that I was “too commercial and a loose cannon” I found one that was happy to have me.

That is just one example.  At my current work place the first few months were hell.  Everyone came down super hard on me.  My boss kept telling me I was not going to make the cut.  I put my head down and I worked as hard as I could to learn everything I could from anyone willing to give me a chance.  When I was demoted I wanted to quit but stuck it out no matter how embarrassing.  Now I am back to being a full blown dinner cook and for the most part proving my worth every single day, minus the fact that my Mexican rice still needs help, but even that has gotten better.  WTF I am Italian after all.  Now I am in school to hopefully one day become a chef of some caliber.

Going hard is about being a fighter.  Life is going to kick the fucking shit out of you. That is just the reality of things.  Its not easy out there and if it is then you are doing something wrong.  We should always be challenged.  One of my biggest gripes of our society today is the fact that people get too comfortable in their ways and forget what it means to actually live.  Right now for me just living is a challenge.  Everyday I debate if I should get out of bed.  Despite my mood I get myself up, comb my hair, get myself presentable and “Keep on Keeping On” (want some motivation, read it).  That is all I can ask of myself for the moment.

People tell me I am blowing it, and that I never really cared for Adrienne all that much.  Fuck those people, they don’t how I feel or understand.  All the same I am blowing it.  Yeah my heart is broken, so fucking what.  My mother tried to tell me the other day that no one dies from a broken heart.  I think it is the subsequent pain that kills.  I just found out a friend of mine died over the weekend from drinking too much and his alcoholism came directly from heart ache over a woman.

That is not going to be me.  I will get through this.  I do believe things happen for a reason.  There is only a few weeks left of this putrid year.  2011 was by far the worst and hardest year of my life.  I definitely fell apart and let the cycle continue.  2012 is going to be different.  I am going to put my efforts back into my schooling, back into my work, my reading, my writing, my surfing and my character.  If I can attest anything to this miserable time in my life is that I will never go back to being the vile human trash I once was.  In 2012 I am going to go hard at pulling my life back together.

Alright this has gotten all over the place.  If you go out and give your all to whatever it is you are doing than whether you fail or succeed at least you know you did the best you possibly could.  If you do that then you will have no regrets and die complete.  I still do not have any regrets for anything I have done, even in a time where I have been nothing but introspective.  Be honest with yourself and others and do not let anyone ever tell you no.  Only you can tell yourself no and I hope you never do.  That my friends is what going hard is all about.