Posts Tagged ‘depression’

The Five Day Lurk

I am still alive at least so I suppose that is a feat I should  be thankful for or should I?  If you remember back a few blogs ago to the  Five Day Halloween Party blog Kooky and I were all set for a five day lurk.  Well we made three nights of it before I ended up getting nearly deathly ill, did not leave my bed for two days and did not surf for five.  I am not talking sick from drinking unless this is the beginnings of cirrhosis.  I guess time will tell.  I can’t remember the last time I was that bad off.  I still have a lingering cough. I almost went to the medical clinic.  Luckily my immune system is still a champ and won the battle.

For the remaining nights of Halloween nothing too eventful happened. Kooky did manage a great rendition of Prince that had all the gays at the Kitty jumping out of their seats.  I did a decent portrayal of a Blues Brother.  One night we both went out as Guidos.  It was fun although I am a little disappointed that we could not make the entire lurk.   Good times.

Chefing It Up

On the work front things are going well.  Sodexo opened a new Mexican station in the dinning commons.  I was put in charge of dinner there Wednesday through Friday nights.  At first it was pretty hectic and I got a bit frustrated.  I even considered quitting.  Now I have it somewhat wired.  It is still a ton of work but at least I am learning Mexican cuisine.   With five Mexican cooks on payroll I do not really understand why they put the white Italian cook in charge of the station, but so be it.  I find myself just seasoning everything with onion, cumin, chili powder, cayenne, oregano, lime and lemon juice.  I guess every genre of cooking has its stereo typical spices.  I am beginning to learn mole and different types of salsa reductions.  At the very least its one more thing to add to the resume.

The Joy of Adult Education

The school front on the other hand has not been going so well.  I missed a few classes and had to beg my teachers not to fail me straight out.  I am failing catering cause I have no time to put in the required 26 hours of unpaid labor for the semester and ironically I am failing w0rk study cause I don’t have time to hand in the homework.  I hate school its such a backward institution.  Especially City Colleges where anyone can attend.  The students on the whole are unmotivated and dumb, as a result the teachers water down the curriculum and lose their vigor in the process.

Truth be told I am not all that motivated myself.  I work five days a week busting my ass in the kitchen only to spend my only two days off sitting in a class with a bunch of want to be top chefs.  Those who can cook like myself have these ridiculous egos and even challenge the professors.  That makes up half the class.  The other half are completely clueless, have never stepped foot in a professional kitchen before in their lives and most days are more of a danger to themselves and others with their terrible technique.  Let me say this not everyone was cut out for this business.  The ego maniacs walk around the room just waiting for someone to mess up so that they can rub that person’s nose in it.  The whole thing is insanity.

My Pain

As of this moment I am considering taking next semester off to clear my head and take a better stock in my life.  I have been struggling with heavy depression ever since Adrienne left back in June.  I tried to fill the hurt with a stupid affair that ended with me just getting more hurt.  I don’t know why Ades has been such a pain to me.  I mean when I was with her I was always a bit indifferent to her.  Picking up the pieces of both my heart and my life has become tough and I find myself really afraid that I am turning into other guys I know who were in a similar situation as myself.  One case in particular the dude is a great guy who still has not been able to move on and the hurt is killing him.

I believe I am stronger then that.  I guess only time will tell.  My drinking is definitely gotten excessive, but for the moment I need it.  Alcohol is the only way I can cope with the pain at the moment.  Maybe it was the way things ended that messed me up so bad.  That fact that the one human being I met that seemed better then most when it came to morals and inner strength went and did an act so against everything she stood for that it turned her into a living oxymoron.  I hate fallacies.  One thing I can say about myself and I will always take pride in is that I am a straight shooter and am not a bullshit person.

I call it like I see it.  I don’t make excuses for my conduct and have always been honest about it.  I know I am an asshole and boarder line degenerate, well maybe more of a wolf in sheep’s clothing?  I have always broadcast such.   In the end I know I am going to pull it together.  I always do, but right now I am still most days rather sad, the rest of the days are spent either dead inside or the occasional really happy one.  Classic manic depression.  My mother told me I should make a list of what I think would make me happy and then figure out how I should go about accomplishing such.

Usually her advice just pisses me off, but this makes a lot of sense and is one I am indubitably going to implement.  I need to figure out something to dig myself out of the hole Adrienne left me in.  Enough of this endless pity party.  How tired is everyone of hearing about me cry about Ades?  I know I am.  I think this is the last time I am going to write about such.  I know I always say that.  Sorry in advance when I have another relapse.

The beautification of the Lisanti Palace

I woke up about two weeks ago all hung over from the night before and looked around at the dump of an apartment I live in.  At that moment I realized what a cesspool I have been living in.  No wonder my last two roommates turned out to be heroine addicts.  You would have to be on drugs to consciously pay money to live in this shit hole.  I have had some money saved for my one day New Zealand escape.  These days that dream seems to be getting farther and farther away.  I have decided to take a chunk of that money and put it into renovating my apartment.

I am buying new furniture, putting tile down in the kitchen, hardwood flooring in the dinning room and living room, gutting the entire bathroom.  I am going to turn the palace into a sick bachelor pad.  A place a man can come home to and be proud of.  I think if I nice up my surroundings it might help with my depression a bit.  The process has already begun Ryan, Kooky and I went to Home Depot and bought paint and spackle to give the walls a new coat.   I may post updates here form time to time with before and after pictures.

I think that is it for now.  I just thought I would fill everyone in on whats been going on in my life and that I have not given up completely.  I promise I will turn things around.  I am really beginning to feel like my life is on the verge of turning the corner.  I can just sense good things about to happen….

I saw this on my way home from surfing the other day and it got me thinking deep.

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Fuck the 4th of July, what a terrible day.  As far as Im concerned it could be whipped off the calender altogether.  I mean whoopty fucking doo for America and all, but I think I will sit this one out thank you.  That being said the initial plan for the day was to sleep for majority then move on to heavy drinking, moving on to straight up black out drunk.  Even the best plans of mice and men go astray in life.  I awoke at 6:30 am with a shitty head ache from drinking till I passed out the night before (aint alcoholism grand folks?).

The sound was excruciating in my ears, likened to a blaring knife piercing my ear drums deep into my brain.  Then I realized it was just the sound of my cell phone ringing.  Lindsay being the persistent little one she is kept calling till I got reluctantly got out of bed to take her surfing.  I checked the report and buoys and things looked less then appetizing.  On a hail Mary mission I decided to strike out for Jalama.  I had yet to make it up there this season and what better time then on a Holiday when it was bound to be crowded, small and windy.  Happy 4th of July!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Also I have been dying to test my car’s handling capabilities on the Jalama road.  Since Im still alive we can safely agree that it passed (Death wish foiled #1).

Upon arriving to the bluff over looking Cracks it became obvious that the tide was way too low and the SW wind already taking a toll on it.  On the plus side there was almost no one out.  Against my better judgement (who am I kidding I knew exactly what I was about to get myself into.  One phrase: Death Wish Baby!) and Lindsay’s mortification I made the call to run up to Surf Beach.  For those of you who don’t know about surf beach it is this sketchy, sharky, cold, unruly beach break just north of Jalama on Vandenburg AFB.

Surf Beach was featured in many of the old myspace.com blogs and just recently here on surfingruinedmylife.net in the blog: When We Become Food, about a fatal shark attack that happened there in October of 2010.  Since that incident I had not surfed up at Surf Beach.  The place has always been known to be sharky and the entire time out there one is constantly looking over his shoulder in wonderment of what may be lurking beneath.  Its a deep water spot out in the middle of no where and more times then not it is super foggy and there is no one surfing.  I have soloed it there too many times to count and let me tell you all those times I was pretty much shaking in my booties the entire time.

I pretty much avoided the place like the plague for the past nine months.  This morning I found myself standing on the dunes above the lineup staring out into an empty ocean with a solid marine layer making the outside bar unrecognizable.  I saw four guys paddle out but never saw them again once they entered the fog bank.  Lindsay was dead set on not surfing and I was hardly motivated.  The only redeeming factor for me was that I wasted the time and gas to get up there, when I could have already had polished off my first bottle of wine for the day.  Bye bye liver, hello dialysis (Death wish plan #2 foiled).   Nah, if my liver goes I’m just going to sharpen up the Samurai sword I found in the trash outside my apartment and commit seppuku.

Ultimately we saw a set of rights run down this sand bar that got us frothing and we decided to forgo our original hesitations, shark or no shark we were on it.  The water was surprisingly warmer then I had expected and was fairly tolerable.   Lindsay and I got out there and the fog immediately got thicker and the four other guys whom we had seen paddle out were no where to be found.  After nearly twenty minutes of strenuous paddling I made it to the outside bar.  I looked back for Lindsay but she was no where to be found.  I managed to get a few choice rides out there before realizing I had fallen victim to the intense current and needed to get out and walk back up the beach.

Im not going to lie I was a bit scared to be out a few hundred yards from the beach with forty feet of water under me and a fog bank too thick to see more then five feet in either direction.  The first thought that went through my head was that if I got taken no one would even find out till Lindsay gave up on me.  Then my death wish instincts kicked in and I was well at ease.  Of course with my luck being the way it is I survived unscathed by the mouth of the sea’s most vicious predator (Death wish #3 foiled!!).  We surfed two drifts before calling it a day.  After the second drift we had not realized the current had shifted polarity thus walking the complete opposite direction in the fog for an easy 500 yards.   Surf Beach is like the mother fucking Bermuda Triangle.

Lindsay was a bit freaked out by the whole experience, meanwhile I was rather proud of myself to finally get over the fear I have harbored for Surf Beach through the last nine months.  It always feels good to conquer any type of  adversity.  I also realized that I guess I’m just not going to die.  For whatever reason no matter how hard I push the envelope God just wont let me leave this earth.  Everyone says its because he has a higher calling for me.  I just think he wants me to rove across the planet for all of eternity perpetually pathetic and alone.  Whatever the case as long as there is internet you will be able to be entertained by my daily torment, the torment of living.

On the way home I pushed my luck even further by giving a ride to a sketchy character who had just gotten off the train from LA and needed a ride into Lompoc.  I guess he had been shot down by everyone else in the lot.  I looked at it as a prime opportunity to get that stabbing I have been hoping for out of the way (read the opening paragraph of A Guilty Pleasure to get the lowdown on that).  Turns out John was a really nice guy who had just moved to Lompoc and is studying business at SBCC.  He used to work as a cook back in LA.  He was a totally chill guy whom I was able to stoke out without doing anything more then giving him a ride to a destination I was passing through anyhow (death wish #4 foiled).  Lindsay was super against it and all I had to say to her was that there may come a time when she is in need and would be so lucky to be graced with a similar kindness.

After that I treated us to a victory lunch at a spot John recommended called the Jalama Beach Cafe.  All I can say is that the food was superb and the service top notch.  If you ever find yourself in Lompoc be sure to stop in to the Jalama beach cafe for a bite.  I know it will be my new spot for every Lisanti Adventure Tour that makes its way up there.  That folks is how I turned what was to be one of the emotionally hardest days of my life into a bit of positive.  As Biggie Smalls says in Juicy “I love my life because I went from negative to positive”.

Fun surf, but what lurks beneath?

Spared this time...

Just about as gnarly as a shark attack, seppuku.

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