I’m angry, well saddened mostly, borderline depressed? I guess that is how it has always been for me, for as long as I can remember. I don’t think I am a monster, yet I find myself constantly in the midst of being despicable. Can one be predestined for unhappiness? For a long time I thought I was evil. I know now that it is not the case. I am just pissed off at the world, a world I was never meant to be a part of.
I am a part of this terrene and there for make the best of it most of the time. I have yet to find anything better. Most days I find the motivation to get out of bed seriously lacking. Still I trudge on. I tell myself “keep on, things are going to get better”. I mean I have to cause it is what I tell everyone else in my life. I hate lying to my parents that everything is fine, so instead I stopped calling them altogether. No one likes a pity party and it does them no good to worry.
My dad called me today to find out if I was still alive. This happens about once ever two weeks or so when I break contact. He gave me a pep talk that at least got me to go to class where I bombed the written part of my midterm. I think I got a C and that is all I am shooting for this semester cause I don’t give a fuck. So much for the 4.0 I swung last semester. I think most of my class mates take me for arrogant cause I keep to myself and take in as much as I possibly can.
Most people take me for that come to think of it. Its not that I am arrogant, but more that I have confidence in myself and my own ability. I am not a bullshitter and I know what I am capable of and not. I can be honest with myself. I find that the majority of the population is asleep, just going through the motions of life not really understanding why they do the things they do, almost machine like. I analyze every thing I do and everything that happens around me probably to my detriment.
With all this thought I still have absolutely no answers. Then again “a wise man knows that he knows nothing at all”. When we stop asking questions then are we really living? I think I am at a serious cross road in my life, a what is next for Chris Lisanti. For the moment I do not have any answers. No questions, no answers, that is a verity I must accept. The mere idea of the assertion of this has been constantly plaguing me. I know that if I can consent to such a mantra I may be able to get over this hump I find myself stuck in front of. Or am I destined to be Sisyphus? Maybe I have finally reaped what I sowed?
…A brief look into the insanity that is the mind of Chris Lisanti…
He feels my pain.
Surfing Ruined My Life 