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Posts Tagged ‘Sisyphus’

 

Last night I got home from work, did some laundry, my usual internet prowling then threw on “Good Will Hunting”.  I recently scored it for 50 cents on VHS  and I don’t know if its childhood nostalgia or the fact that I still rock a 23 inch tube television, but there is something so much more inviting when watching a VHS over a DVD.  I have always been a fan of the film.  Say what you want about Affleck, Driver, Williams, and Damon but this film works and is powerful on so many different levels.

The character Will Hunting is a perfect example of human alienation in society.  Here is this extraordinary human being who as a result of a tough up bringing and a remarkable gift has become a societal recluse finding life easier to study on his own, clean the floors of MIT and on occasion secretly answer other people’s thesis projects in a few moments that took its master years to come up with.  When his talents are brought to the light it causes him a whole host of problems.


Would have taken a clip from the actual movie but this clip from “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” was just way more entertaining.

The movie got me to thinking everyone in the film had sort of settled into their own personal comfort zone.  I don’t really know if that is a good thing or not.  Lately I sort of feel like that is what I have done.  When I moved to Santa Barbara five years ago I had all these goals and visions of what might become of my life.  Now five years later I must say things have gotten rather mundane.  I surf the same spots, have worked the same job for three years now, am a permanent fixture at the same club.  I made this place my home.  That’s what you do when your home, develop a routine and stick with it.

It works.  I am 100% self sufficient.  I have learned how to make a “dollar our of fifteen cents” and exist in a city where the cost of living well exceeds the average income.  It exceeds my income by at least double.  I guess I am comfortable.  At work I am sure of myself and am working the job to the best of my ability.  Surfing wise I know all the breaks, when their best and for the most part how to ride them the best to my own personal ability.  My living space, ahh the Lisanti Palace.  Lets just say I made genie in a bottle type of situation.

Yet I find myself excruciatingly bored.  As of late that boredom has turned to frustration and even at times anger.  It has me asking “what is next for Chris Lisanti”?  Or is this it?  To quote Jack Nicholson from “As Good as it Gets”, “What if this really is as good as it gets”?  I suppose then the existence I have eked out is not that bad.  Complacently content?  I don’t know.  Have I hit a plateau?  I do live on the Mesa after all.

My entire life I had always been climbing this inevitable steep slope to an unknown peak.  Many of time I felt like Sisyphus.  I realize now that those times of intense hardship may have been the most invigorating.  When I blew out my knee and wondered if my surfing career was over, when everyone in the establishment said I was too commercial to make a dent on the sax, when I was brought to my knees by my ex-girl friend and lost a year of my life to drinking. Maybe  those were the times that were the most stimulating.  I don’t know…

Lets hope that I am just walking through a valley right now in between then next slope to climb.  Santa Barbara is a pretty darn nice valley to be in, my Rivendell.  At the moment I am going to make the most of what is around me and try and stay as relatively positive as a person of my demeanor can.  Heck I am sure there are scores of people who look at everything I have, and what I have accomplished and where I am right now who would happily take it.  I won’t sit here and cry.  On the contrary, this is me just thinking out loud.

Now for the reason I really began writing this.  In about five hours I will be boarding a plane to Portland, Oregon to meet up with some family for my first cousin Rich’s wedding.  I am not really one for weddings in general, besides the open bar and excuse to where a suit.  This is one I could haves easily declined like so many of the other’s in the past.  For whatever reason when I got the invitation a few months back something told me I needed to be there.   Truth be told I have not been anywhere outside of California and Southern California mind you since I went to Australia five years ago.  There was a time when if I was in the same place for more then a few weeks I got antsy.

This is rather out of character for me, but I am rather excited to get out of Santa Barbara for a few days and even more enthralled to get to spend some quality time with my family some of whom I have not seen in almost two years.  Remember I am Italian so to be a stranger for so long is considered disrespectful and borderline ex-communicable.  Also I am not bringing a board and have not surfed since last Tuesday.  I won’t be back till next Tuesday meaning this will be one of the first times not being injured that I went 14 days with out a surf session. I am bringing my computer so stay tuned for some travel blogs via Oregon with pictures and hopefully adventures.  Talk you from Portland folks.

 

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I’m angry, well saddened mostly, borderline depressed?  I guess that is how it has always been for me, for as long as I can remember.  I don’t think I am a monster, yet I find myself constantly in the midst of being despicable.  Can one be predestined for unhappiness?  For a long time I thought I was evil.  I know now that it is not the case.  I am just pissed off at the world, a world I was never meant to be a part of.

I am a part of this terrene and there for make the best of it most of the time.  I have yet to find anything better.  Most days I find the motivation to get out of bed seriously lacking.  Still I trudge on.  I tell myself “keep on, things are going to get better”. I mean I have to cause it is what I tell everyone else in my life.  I hate lying to my parents that everything is fine, so instead I stopped calling them altogether.  No one likes a pity party and it does them no good to worry.

My dad called me today to find out if I was still alive.  This happens about once ever two weeks or so when I break contact.  He gave me a pep talk that at least got me to go to class where I bombed the written part of my midterm.  I think I got a C and that is all I am shooting for this semester cause I don’t give a fuck.  So much for the 4.0 I swung last semester.  I think most of my class mates take me for arrogant cause I keep to myself and take in as much as I possibly can.

Most people take me for that come to think of it.  Its not that I am arrogant, but more that I have confidence in myself and my own ability.  I am not a bullshitter and I know what I am capable of and not.  I can be honest with myself.  I find that the majority of the population is asleep, just going through the motions of life not really understanding why they do the things they do, almost machine like.  I analyze every thing I do and everything that happens around me probably to my detriment.

With all this thought I still have absolutely no answers.  Then again “a wise man knows that he knows nothing at all”.  When we stop asking questions then are we really living?  I think I am at a serious cross road in my life, a what is next for Chris Lisanti.  For the moment I do not have any answers.  No questions, no answers, that is a verity I must accept.  The mere idea of the assertion of this has been constantly plaguing me.   I know that if I can consent to such a mantra I may be able to get over this hump I find myself  stuck in front of.  Or am I destined to be Sisyphus?  Maybe I have finally reaped what I sowed?

…A brief look into the insanity that is the mind of Chris Lisanti…

He feels my pain.

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