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Posts Tagged ‘frustration’

Some days I wonder why I even get out of bed in the morning.  Things would be far better if I just stayed under my warm covers on my comfortable mattress with my cat sleeping at my feet.  Life would just be so much easier.   Yet every morning I drag myself out of bed and for the most part force myself to make the most of the meager sphere of influence I exist in.

Sure my life seems pretty simple to all of you sitting at home or in your cubicle reading my drivel to kill time or what have you.  Most people have responsibilities, a sense purpose or even just a need for a sense of purpose to keep them going.  I don’t have that.  I get up day in and day out, punch the clock for eight and half hours at a mindless job that a monkey could do if properly trained and sanitized.  Meanwhile over the past four years I have watched my sanity slowly slip away.  This is another entity I am very ok with.  A sane man in an insane world cannot be sane.

The majority view me as insane yet I view the majority and how they behave to be crazy.  Just like that I mentally dropped out of society.  The problem with living in your own world is the consequences of what happens when your fantasy world collides with the “real world”.  This is a terrible predicament I find myself constantly reliving over and over again.  Two steps forward followed by another ten steps back.  I am not going to lie most of, if not all of it is my own damn fault.  It took me thirty years of my life to finally take the blame for my own actions.

I am a bad decision maker.  Let me rephrase that.  I don’t think they are bad decisions they just don’t fall into line with those of the mainstream thus ultimately that difference of view I have on things makes them bad decisions.  One can always justify his own actions in his own mind after all.  From time to time these bad decisions come back to haunt me. It is for that reason I shall always be caught in the rapture of myself.

At the moment I sort of have a pile of bullshit suffocating me.  It is taking all of my physical, emotional and mental strength to keep on.  If I have not had much to say here I am sorry for that.  I have been advised that it would be very adverse to talk about what is going on in a public forum such as this.  For now I need to keep it all inside, which has never been healthy .  I promise that when everything is said and done I will elaborate in many, many words here.

Just know that I am fine and surviving.  This too will pass.  It is not for those in troubled times to remorse on how they got there, it is only for them to use the time they are given to do their best to persevere   What I will say is that I have not been hitting the bottle as a result of what is going on and nor have I been tempted to.  I think I crawled into a bottle long enough over the past two years and now that I have crawled out I am not about to fall back in.  I will try to keep writing my usual stuff here.  Just know that I have a lot on my plate at the moment and it is taking up the bulk of my concentration.  As always if your hard up I do update the surflog every day.

Yeah this pretty much describes how I feel at the moment, damned if I do, damned if I dont.

Yeah this pretty much describes how I feel at the moment, damned if I do, damned if I dont.

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I’m angry, well saddened mostly, borderline depressed?  I guess that is how it has always been for me, for as long as I can remember.  I don’t think I am a monster, yet I find myself constantly in the midst of being despicable.  Can one be predestined for unhappiness?  For a long time I thought I was evil.  I know now that it is not the case.  I am just pissed off at the world, a world I was never meant to be a part of.

I am a part of this terrene and there for make the best of it most of the time.  I have yet to find anything better.  Most days I find the motivation to get out of bed seriously lacking.  Still I trudge on.  I tell myself “keep on, things are going to get better”. I mean I have to cause it is what I tell everyone else in my life.  I hate lying to my parents that everything is fine, so instead I stopped calling them altogether.  No one likes a pity party and it does them no good to worry.

My dad called me today to find out if I was still alive.  This happens about once ever two weeks or so when I break contact.  He gave me a pep talk that at least got me to go to class where I bombed the written part of my midterm.  I think I got a C and that is all I am shooting for this semester cause I don’t give a fuck.  So much for the 4.0 I swung last semester.  I think most of my class mates take me for arrogant cause I keep to myself and take in as much as I possibly can.

Most people take me for that come to think of it.  Its not that I am arrogant, but more that I have confidence in myself and my own ability.  I am not a bullshitter and I know what I am capable of and not.  I can be honest with myself.  I find that the majority of the population is asleep, just going through the motions of life not really understanding why they do the things they do, almost machine like.  I analyze every thing I do and everything that happens around me probably to my detriment.

With all this thought I still have absolutely no answers.  Then again “a wise man knows that he knows nothing at all”.  When we stop asking questions then are we really living?  I think I am at a serious cross road in my life, a what is next for Chris Lisanti.  For the moment I do not have any answers.  No questions, no answers, that is a verity I must accept.  The mere idea of the assertion of this has been constantly plaguing me.   I know that if I can consent to such a mantra I may be able to get over this hump I find myself  stuck in front of.  Or am I destined to be Sisyphus?  Maybe I have finally reaped what I sowed?

…A brief look into the insanity that is the mind of Chris Lisanti…

He feels my pain.

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