Posts Tagged ‘self love’

This morning I woke up on someone else’s couch, my new abode for the next few weeks.  Its funny that I started out here in Santa Barbara on the couch about four years ago.   Four weeks ago I thought I had it all.   I had a great job, a nice apartment, a steady job and a wonderful girlfriend whom I adored.  If you were to have told me then I was to wake up on my friend Lindsay’s couch this morning with just barely three hours of sleep and tear tracks on my cheek I would have laughed at you.

I’m not laughing anymore.  Things have been pretty slow here on SurfingRuinedMyLife.net and the little writing that has been published was down right depressing.  I promised at some point I would have an explanation of it all.  Now is as good of a time as any as I sit in my darkest hour huddled up in a ball of misery and despair.   I have a pulse, breathe air and have all signs of life yet I feel mostly dead.  I have become a zombie.  The world is going on all around me, but I am not a participant nor an observer.  I’m just there.

In retrospect I know I got what I deserved and the irony of how the shoe falls when it is worn on the other foot is archetypal.  Im so so sad right now, but at the same time I think it is great that I am not mad.  I spent my entire life suppressing the emotion of sadness exchanging it for pure anger.  The old Chris Lisanti in my current situation would have went crazy.   Last night I was faced with the hardest decision of my life and I can proudly and sincerely say that I took the high road.

My story begins twenty two months ago from this past Wednesday.  It was the fourth of July when I met this beautiful, smart, amazing women and fell in love.  I had promised myself that love was an emotion I would never let myself feel again after Sindia.  I fought those emotions for a few days, heck I did not even get her phone  number.  After a couple of days I decided I had to acquire another audience with this enchanting female.

I knew where she worked and after an entire day of mustering up the nerve to go find her I set off.   An hour long misdirected search later I found myself standing face to face with the woman of my dreams.  It was a rather awkward moment, but none the less she agreed to go out with me.  From that day on I pretty much saw her every night for nearly two years, some of the happiest of my life.  Sure we had our ups and downs, but that is how relationships are.  If it was always sunshine and roses it would not be real.

Things were going rather smoothly till this past January when I decided to go out on a drinking bender with a few friends while she was out of town.  I got smashed lost my debit card and made a drunken fool of myself as usual.  When she came home from her trip she asked me if I had went out.  My girl friend was not a big fan of the friends I went out with or my party life style.  Rather then being a man and admitting what I did, I denied it, full on knowing how important honesty was to her. I lied and made her feel bad for even asking me about it.

Turns out she had some inside information and knew the truth.  She eventually called me out on it and then asked me if I would never lie to her again.  I told her I could not promise such a feat.  I mean come on, that is crazy for anyone to promise.  It was at that moment that I began to take the steps necessary to become a more honest and noble person.  For her on the other hand, and I was oblivious to it, might I add, the relationship was over.   Of course she still let it drag on another three months hating me more and more everyday.

Finally in that interim she met someone else.  Someone more genuine, kinder and ultimately better then me for her.  Shocking I know, but its true.  I met the guy yesterday and he seemed like a really good guy.  Wait Im getting ahead of myself here.  About three weeks ago I finally realized just how angry my girl friend (now ex-girlfriend) had become of me.  She was literally repulsed by even the sight of me.  Why she did not just discard me back in January is beyond me, but one cannot put himself in another’s shoes and its not my place to judge another’s actions.

I decided to ask her what was going on just jokingly.  Turns out it was no joke.  At first I got angry and behaving completely immature yelled at her and told if she was over me then to move the fuck out.  A few hours later I came to my senses realizing how much I actually did love her and begged her to give me a second chance.  She conceded and I really thought we were on the right track, that was because I had no idea about the other guy.  Things slowly got better and I was feeling somewhat ok about our situation, although had high suspicions  that she was cheating on me.

The thing is that I trust my significant others 100%.  Im not a jealous person and it would not get me any where to be such.  After we had that talk I started to go over little facts and details in her life that all led to the fact she was having an affair.  Fast forward to just about two weeks ago.  She was about to leave for a trip to Ireland and it was eating me up inside to let her leave with out telling her how I felt.  I pretty much proposed to her with out a ring, despite my past preconceived notions and experiences with marriage.

She started crying and when I asked what she thought about all this she finally admitted there was another guy.  My world was shattered.  My first instinct was to freak out, yell, scream, break things and kick her out of my apartment.  That is surely what the old Chris Lisanti would have done.  Instead I took a deep breath ,collected my thoughts and told her that if she thought she would be happier with him then me, I wanted her to go to him.  I loved her enough that I would have rather seen her smile with someone else then spend another moment frowning with me.  She claimed she was confused and did not know.

Being she was leaving for Ireland anyway in about 48 hours the trip would be the perfect place to think things through.   I took her to the airport and kissed her good bye knowing it may have been the last time I would ever have such an opportunity.  I got home and decided to write her a three page love letter explaining all my deepest inner emotions, things I have not allowed myself to feel in years, things I have never wrote to another.  I sent that letter and  a dozen long stem roses to Ireland.  Not a cheap or logistically easy feat my friends.  My hope was it would warm her heart back to me and come off the plane running into my arms.

What actually happened was more what I believed to happen.  She got the flowers and letter and did not even mention it to me.  Instead I got a one line email telling me she was really tired and would talk to me when she got back to the US.  I was a little bummed to say the least but knew my girl and was sure that was the response I was going to get anyhow.  I still thought there was a glimmer of hope.  I went to air port, more flowers in hand, planned out her favorite breakfast in the morning (breakfast is her favorite meal).  I am talking fresh waffles topped with fresh blueberries, strawberries and mangoes, maple syrup, mimosas made with real French Champagne, none of that sparkling wine shit.

Well she got off the plane and could barely look me in the eye.  Turned a cheek to me when I went in for a kiss.  I should have ended it right there.  Instead I held on to the fantasy built up in my head and gave it another four days.  This brings us to last night.  I knew who the other guy was.  I had never met him before, but had heard enough about him to know it was some dude she played volleyball with.  She loves volley ball and for me to forbid her to not play because of him would have been liker her telling me not to surf.

By Thursday night I could not take the pain of her coldness towards me.  Everything I did would have made any other women melt in my arms or at least have the strength to end the relationship and put me out of my misery.  I decided to go down the volley ball courts and see her interaction with this guy for myself.  I walked from my apartment to the courts on east beach, three miles to get composure and think.  I got there and she barely even looked at me.  She spent the entire time making eyes at him, the eyes she used to give to me.  It was at that moment that I realized it was over.  I met the guy, shook his hand, even played a round on his team.

He is a really decent dude and completely deserving of her love.  That night we went home and I told her that I wanted her to go be with him.  Then I packed some stuff and moved out for the month.  We share the rent and neither of us could afford to buy the other out.  I had a few couches to sleep on and being the gentleman I bowed out and left.  I told her if she changed her mind all she would have to do is contact me and ask and I would take her back, wipe the slate clean and start again.  I know I was not always the most perfect boyfriend to her.

So that is where my story ends.  I sit here now on my friend Lindsay’s couch, incidentally the one whom I got myself into the initial turmoil back in January.  Basically I’m sleeping in the living room cooking her and her 19 year old roommate meals for my keep while my ex-girl friend is most likely blissfully enjoying guilt free times with her new lover.  Thats how it works sometimes.  On a side note, I was in the parking lot talking to a friend of mine on the phone when who should pull up into the parking lot, but volley ball man himself.

Turns out he lives in the building that I am staying for the month.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Folks I could not make up a better story if I tried.  The irony of all of this is as poetic as it comes.  Now if you don’t mind I have some crying to do.  Yeah you did not get blogs for nearly two weeks.  This is my story, my explanation and apology.  Don’t worry for me, I really have learned a ton about myself in the past few months and I know I will get through this pain and will be a better man for it.  I think I handled the entire as classy as ever.   Adam Bede would be proud.

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