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Posts Tagged ‘romance’

First off let me apologize to everyone for the lack of writing this month.  In my defense things have been a bit crazy with the play opening, my New Jersey/New York trip/performance, breaking in a new roommate and some other incidents in my personal life I have yet to address here.  All I can say is I have been busy for me. This weeks UCB makes a winner of my boy Kiefer, whom I got good and shitty with Saturday night.  He asked, “What is the most awkward situation I can remember being in”.

 

Awkward situations! Awkward situations?  My whole life is a series of awkward situations usually brought on by bad decisions.  I never have been a very good decision maker after all.  As everyone knows when faced with a logical option I in most cases will choose the illogical.  The propagation being I always want to see, as I like to put it “what could happen”.  Thus is why we have so many entertaining stories and moments in Lisanti Land.

 

Believe me this system works both positive and negative. Back to awkwardness, I find just about every social situation I enter into to be an awkward situation.  It sounds absurd right?  Its true, my coping mechanism used to be to avoid them like the plague.  Then one day a few years back I realized I was letting life pass me by and decided to step up, dig down deep, find some self-confidence and grab the world by my hands.

 

I find my worst moments of awkwardness always seem to revolve around women I care about, particularly when I make a frail attempt at actualizing my innermost feelings.  During the end days of Adrienne there were plenty of awkward moments including when I found out she was cheating on me.  When I showed up and met the guy she was cheating with to see what I was losing out too.  When I decided to try and win her back while she clearly had already made up her mind.  There is nothing more awkward then watching the person you love walk past you, smile, say goodbye and then go off to be with another.

 

Truthfully I don’t really care to dawn on that moment of my life anymore.  Looking back I know it was silly to let another bring me to my knees.  Now my life is amazing and I am happier then I have ever been.  They have that expression “God closes a door and opens a window.  In my case he torn down a wall and I could not be more grateful.

 

Kiefer asked for a story of awkwardness and thus far I have just talked out of my ass.  I am going to tell about the first kiss between Sindia (my ex-wife for my new readers who have not been following since ’06, yeah this shit has been running for over five years now!!) and I.  Nostalgia is great and I think it may have been the most awkward I have ever felt in my entire life.

 

I had been hanging out with Sindia for about two months with the predisposed hope of us dating.  We were both really backward in the department of romance.  Myself I was still carrying a chip on my shoulder from the atrocities performed towards me thanks to my very first girlfriend and her because she had never really been romantically involved with another.  Strong feelings had grown between the two of us, but neither had brought them to contrition and things were getting very awkward as a result of the confusion.

 

Finally I had reached my breaking point and knew I just had to step up.  We met my father down in Trenton, NJ to go see this jazz combo play.  It was a fun show and a good time was had by all.  We drove back to the shore and the whole drive both of us were completely silent.  I was nervous the entire night and now full on in understanding that I had to tell her how I felt was a near basket case of nerves.  My hands were shaking so much that I had to clutch the steering wheel with them both in a death grip.

 

Sindia and I got back to the beach where she had parked her car. I think we must have surfed before going to the show.  We ended up having one of those lingering goodbyes where you basically say your leaving more then ten times but no one actually goes anywhere.  Conversation had hit a complete impasse and the both of us were just gazing into each other’s eyes.  It was a perfect moment for me to kiss here, that I stewed on for nearly 15 minutes.

 

In her frustration Sindia blurted out “so what is the deal between us anyway? Are we friends or more or what?”  “DAMN, she beat me to the punch” I thought.  By that point it was nearly 2am and there was surf.  I mean the whole time we were sitting there we could see giant walls of white water in the darkness.  My fight or flight instincts had taken over and flight was winning.

 

The larger half of me was pushing for me to jump back into my car, drive away and never call her again.  My face was so red with embarrassment that I had blown the perfect moment I could have passed for a turnip.  After about another very awkward five minutes I responded with some nearly inaudible dribble pertaining to the fact that I thought we should be more then friends, after which we hugged then had this terrible teeth knocking kiss.  That was followed up by an almost proper kiss.

 

We both sort of looked at each other as soon as it was done with a bit of awe that we let things get to that point.  Next morning we met up for a surf way later then we should have even though it was going off cause we kept each other up till 3am trying to express our feelings for one another.  There you have it, the most awkward I have ever felt in my entire life.

 

On a side note for anyone wondering: Sindia now lives in Whales, UK and is I believe a world renowned Scientist in the field of chemical paleo-oceanography or something to those regards.  I never quite got her actual field of specialization.  We broke up on mutual terms I guess around four years ago.  Our lives were just going in different directions.  We still keep in touch and from what I can infer she is doing very well for herself in both life and love.  I could not be any happier for her.

 

As for me well I don’t feel I need to fill you in considering I write about everything here on a daily basis.  If your lost there are over 485 blogs on this website alone and thousands on the old myspace blog.   Go nuts reading if you feel that inclined.  All I will say is that I too am happy.

Now that is an Awkward situation....

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I am going to come clean.  I am a craigslist personals reader and even on occasion participant.  I know its gnarly, but it can be rather exciting and definitely entertaining.  Shit, to my chagrin I have yet to be stabbed by a random blind meeting.  I have always wanted to be stabbed.  I feel like it would be pretty bad ass to take a blade to the gut.  Nothing fatal or permanently damaging, but I’m talking clean in and out, no arteries, just a plain deep wound that requires like fifty stitches or so.  How bad ass of a scar and story would that be?  As far as gun shot wounds go I don’t want any part of that.  Too gnarly.  I don’t want doctors fishing around my system for any excess lead.

My favorite part of the Craigslist.com personals is the missed connections section.  Its so interesting the types of things people write in there.  First off the majority of them are these asinine posts that read like this: “hey I saw you on State St riding a cool green bike on Friday at 1 pm.  You were hot, hit me up” or “We had a nice conversation in the super market about your fruit selection but I forgot to get your phone number”.  I really wonder if any of those people ever actual find each other through Craigslist?  If anyone reading this has or knows someone whom that has worked out for please leave a comment for me.  I would love to hear about it.

It would put a smile on my otherwise somber face.  Once some dude wrote this funny ass story about some dude who tried to steal his bike seat on mothers day.  That one was so humorous I almost shit my pants reading it.  Then there are all kinds of other crazy shit.  Bottom line, if you are bored or have too much time on your hands like myself (honestly if you are reading this crap then you most likely have too much time on your hands) I would spend a moment or two reading the missed connections section of your local Craigslist.

I just gave it a perusal came across the following post:http://santabarbara.craigslist.org/mis/2441269370.html

” I’m aware we crossed each others paths recently. I hope all is good in your world. My world is really looking up. I just landed my dream job in the city of Angles. My patience, tolorence and good work ethics are panning out. I never lost hope. Hope can carry a long ways as long as you never give up and keep on putting one foot in front of the other. For me I have a faith that keeps me centered and has always helped me get through some of the toughest times in life. I know you are not a believer and thats ok but really when all else fails where do you go from there? I know there are lots of opinions here on that and that’s cool. Actually some of your opinions have really made me think. But anyhow I won’t bore you with that. I forgive you for the things you said and did towards me. I hope you can do the same. We worked well together most of the time but our diffences are really what ended things. So I miss the person I once knew. I think you let a good catch go although I’m sure you disagree. I do hope the best for you. I wouldn’t try too hard here as instant gratification is usually a temporary fix which can distract people and create a real “missed connection” that only appears for a brief moment then poof it’s gone. Take care my dear and it’s ok to wave from a distance.”

Upon reading it I thought man this guy is pathetic.  Immediately after I thought hmm…is that what I have sounded like the past two months?  I think we all know that I am pathetic anyway.  The problem with being a hopeless romantic is the hopelessness.  I guess my story is not all that unique and I am just another poor sap who lost at the game of love. But hey it could be worse I could be like this guy above and posting random shit on craigslist for attention.  Oh wait I don’t need to because I have my own blog to accomplish that task.

Just because...

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This morning I woke up on someone else’s couch, my new abode for the next few weeks.  Its funny that I started out here in Santa Barbara on the couch about four years ago.   Four weeks ago I thought I had it all.   I had a great job, a nice apartment, a steady job and a wonderful girlfriend whom I adored.  If you were to have told me then I was to wake up on my friend Lindsay’s couch this morning with just barely three hours of sleep and tear tracks on my cheek I would have laughed at you.

I’m not laughing anymore.  Things have been pretty slow here on SurfingRuinedMyLife.net and the little writing that has been published was down right depressing.  I promised at some point I would have an explanation of it all.  Now is as good of a time as any as I sit in my darkest hour huddled up in a ball of misery and despair.   I have a pulse, breathe air and have all signs of life yet I feel mostly dead.  I have become a zombie.  The world is going on all around me, but I am not a participant nor an observer.  I’m just there.

In retrospect I know I got what I deserved and the irony of how the shoe falls when it is worn on the other foot is archetypal.  Im so so sad right now, but at the same time I think it is great that I am not mad.  I spent my entire life suppressing the emotion of sadness exchanging it for pure anger.  The old Chris Lisanti in my current situation would have went crazy.   Last night I was faced with the hardest decision of my life and I can proudly and sincerely say that I took the high road.

My story begins twenty two months ago from this past Wednesday.  It was the fourth of July when I met this beautiful, smart, amazing women and fell in love.  I had promised myself that love was an emotion I would never let myself feel again after Sindia.  I fought those emotions for a few days, heck I did not even get her phone  number.  After a couple of days I decided I had to acquire another audience with this enchanting female.

I knew where she worked and after an entire day of mustering up the nerve to go find her I set off.   An hour long misdirected search later I found myself standing face to face with the woman of my dreams.  It was a rather awkward moment, but none the less she agreed to go out with me.  From that day on I pretty much saw her every night for nearly two years, some of the happiest of my life.  Sure we had our ups and downs, but that is how relationships are.  If it was always sunshine and roses it would not be real.

Things were going rather smoothly till this past January when I decided to go out on a drinking bender with a few friends while she was out of town.  I got smashed lost my debit card and made a drunken fool of myself as usual.  When she came home from her trip she asked me if I had went out.  My girl friend was not a big fan of the friends I went out with or my party life style.  Rather then being a man and admitting what I did, I denied it, full on knowing how important honesty was to her. I lied and made her feel bad for even asking me about it.

Turns out she had some inside information and knew the truth.  She eventually called me out on it and then asked me if I would never lie to her again.  I told her I could not promise such a feat.  I mean come on, that is crazy for anyone to promise.  It was at that moment that I began to take the steps necessary to become a more honest and noble person.  For her on the other hand, and I was oblivious to it, might I add, the relationship was over.   Of course she still let it drag on another three months hating me more and more everyday.

Finally in that interim she met someone else.  Someone more genuine, kinder and ultimately better then me for her.  Shocking I know, but its true.  I met the guy yesterday and he seemed like a really good guy.  Wait Im getting ahead of myself here.  About three weeks ago I finally realized just how angry my girl friend (now ex-girlfriend) had become of me.  She was literally repulsed by even the sight of me.  Why she did not just discard me back in January is beyond me, but one cannot put himself in another’s shoes and its not my place to judge another’s actions.

I decided to ask her what was going on just jokingly.  Turns out it was no joke.  At first I got angry and behaving completely immature yelled at her and told if she was over me then to move the fuck out.  A few hours later I came to my senses realizing how much I actually did love her and begged her to give me a second chance.  She conceded and I really thought we were on the right track, that was because I had no idea about the other guy.  Things slowly got better and I was feeling somewhat ok about our situation, although had high suspicions  that she was cheating on me.

The thing is that I trust my significant others 100%.  Im not a jealous person and it would not get me any where to be such.  After we had that talk I started to go over little facts and details in her life that all led to the fact she was having an affair.  Fast forward to just about two weeks ago.  She was about to leave for a trip to Ireland and it was eating me up inside to let her leave with out telling her how I felt.  I pretty much proposed to her with out a ring, despite my past preconceived notions and experiences with marriage.

She started crying and when I asked what she thought about all this she finally admitted there was another guy.  My world was shattered.  My first instinct was to freak out, yell, scream, break things and kick her out of my apartment.  That is surely what the old Chris Lisanti would have done.  Instead I took a deep breath ,collected my thoughts and told her that if she thought she would be happier with him then me, I wanted her to go to him.  I loved her enough that I would have rather seen her smile with someone else then spend another moment frowning with me.  She claimed she was confused and did not know.

Being she was leaving for Ireland anyway in about 48 hours the trip would be the perfect place to think things through.   I took her to the airport and kissed her good bye knowing it may have been the last time I would ever have such an opportunity.  I got home and decided to write her a three page love letter explaining all my deepest inner emotions, things I have not allowed myself to feel in years, things I have never wrote to another.  I sent that letter and  a dozen long stem roses to Ireland.  Not a cheap or logistically easy feat my friends.  My hope was it would warm her heart back to me and come off the plane running into my arms.

What actually happened was more what I believed to happen.  She got the flowers and letter and did not even mention it to me.  Instead I got a one line email telling me she was really tired and would talk to me when she got back to the US.  I was a little bummed to say the least but knew my girl and was sure that was the response I was going to get anyhow.  I still thought there was a glimmer of hope.  I went to air port, more flowers in hand, planned out her favorite breakfast in the morning (breakfast is her favorite meal).  I am talking fresh waffles topped with fresh blueberries, strawberries and mangoes, maple syrup, mimosas made with real French Champagne, none of that sparkling wine shit.

Well she got off the plane and could barely look me in the eye.  Turned a cheek to me when I went in for a kiss.  I should have ended it right there.  Instead I held on to the fantasy built up in my head and gave it another four days.  This brings us to last night.  I knew who the other guy was.  I had never met him before, but had heard enough about him to know it was some dude she played volleyball with.  She loves volley ball and for me to forbid her to not play because of him would have been liker her telling me not to surf.

By Thursday night I could not take the pain of her coldness towards me.  Everything I did would have made any other women melt in my arms or at least have the strength to end the relationship and put me out of my misery.  I decided to go down the volley ball courts and see her interaction with this guy for myself.  I walked from my apartment to the courts on east beach, three miles to get composure and think.  I got there and she barely even looked at me.  She spent the entire time making eyes at him, the eyes she used to give to me.  It was at that moment that I realized it was over.  I met the guy, shook his hand, even played a round on his team.

He is a really decent dude and completely deserving of her love.  That night we went home and I told her that I wanted her to go be with him.  Then I packed some stuff and moved out for the month.  We share the rent and neither of us could afford to buy the other out.  I had a few couches to sleep on and being the gentleman I bowed out and left.  I told her if she changed her mind all she would have to do is contact me and ask and I would take her back, wipe the slate clean and start again.  I know I was not always the most perfect boyfriend to her.

So that is where my story ends.  I sit here now on my friend Lindsay’s couch, incidentally the one whom I got myself into the initial turmoil back in January.  Basically I’m sleeping in the living room cooking her and her 19 year old roommate meals for my keep while my ex-girl friend is most likely blissfully enjoying guilt free times with her new lover.  Thats how it works sometimes.  On a side note, I was in the parking lot talking to a friend of mine on the phone when who should pull up into the parking lot, but volley ball man himself.

Turns out he lives in the building that I am staying for the month.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Folks I could not make up a better story if I tried.  The irony of all of this is as poetic as it comes.  Now if you don’t mind I have some crying to do.  Yeah you did not get blogs for nearly two weeks.  This is my story, my explanation and apology.  Don’t worry for me, I really have learned a ton about myself in the past few months and I know I will get through this pain and will be a better man for it.  I think I handled the entire as classy as ever.   Adam Bede would be proud.

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