Posts Tagged ‘heart broken’

First off let me apologize to everyone for the lack of writing this month.  In my defense things have been a bit crazy with the play opening, my New Jersey/New York trip/performance, breaking in a new roommate and some other incidents in my personal life I have yet to address here.  All I can say is I have been busy for me. This weeks UCB makes a winner of my boy Kiefer, whom I got good and shitty with Saturday night.  He asked, “What is the most awkward situation I can remember being in”.


Awkward situations! Awkward situations?  My whole life is a series of awkward situations usually brought on by bad decisions.  I never have been a very good decision maker after all.  As everyone knows when faced with a logical option I in most cases will choose the illogical.  The propagation being I always want to see, as I like to put it “what could happen”.  Thus is why we have so many entertaining stories and moments in Lisanti Land.


Believe me this system works both positive and negative. Back to awkwardness, I find just about every social situation I enter into to be an awkward situation.  It sounds absurd right?  Its true, my coping mechanism used to be to avoid them like the plague.  Then one day a few years back I realized I was letting life pass me by and decided to step up, dig down deep, find some self-confidence and grab the world by my hands.


I find my worst moments of awkwardness always seem to revolve around women I care about, particularly when I make a frail attempt at actualizing my innermost feelings.  During the end days of Adrienne there were plenty of awkward moments including when I found out she was cheating on me.  When I showed up and met the guy she was cheating with to see what I was losing out too.  When I decided to try and win her back while she clearly had already made up her mind.  There is nothing more awkward then watching the person you love walk past you, smile, say goodbye and then go off to be with another.


Truthfully I don’t really care to dawn on that moment of my life anymore.  Looking back I know it was silly to let another bring me to my knees.  Now my life is amazing and I am happier then I have ever been.  They have that expression “God closes a door and opens a window.  In my case he torn down a wall and I could not be more grateful.


Kiefer asked for a story of awkwardness and thus far I have just talked out of my ass.  I am going to tell about the first kiss between Sindia (my ex-wife for my new readers who have not been following since ’06, yeah this shit has been running for over five years now!!) and I.  Nostalgia is great and I think it may have been the most awkward I have ever felt in my entire life.


I had been hanging out with Sindia for about two months with the predisposed hope of us dating.  We were both really backward in the department of romance.  Myself I was still carrying a chip on my shoulder from the atrocities performed towards me thanks to my very first girlfriend and her because she had never really been romantically involved with another.  Strong feelings had grown between the two of us, but neither had brought them to contrition and things were getting very awkward as a result of the confusion.


Finally I had reached my breaking point and knew I just had to step up.  We met my father down in Trenton, NJ to go see this jazz combo play.  It was a fun show and a good time was had by all.  We drove back to the shore and the whole drive both of us were completely silent.  I was nervous the entire night and now full on in understanding that I had to tell her how I felt was a near basket case of nerves.  My hands were shaking so much that I had to clutch the steering wheel with them both in a death grip.


Sindia and I got back to the beach where she had parked her car. I think we must have surfed before going to the show.  We ended up having one of those lingering goodbyes where you basically say your leaving more then ten times but no one actually goes anywhere.  Conversation had hit a complete impasse and the both of us were just gazing into each other’s eyes.  It was a perfect moment for me to kiss here, that I stewed on for nearly 15 minutes.


In her frustration Sindia blurted out “so what is the deal between us anyway? Are we friends or more or what?”  “DAMN, she beat me to the punch” I thought.  By that point it was nearly 2am and there was surf.  I mean the whole time we were sitting there we could see giant walls of white water in the darkness.  My fight or flight instincts had taken over and flight was winning.


The larger half of me was pushing for me to jump back into my car, drive away and never call her again.  My face was so red with embarrassment that I had blown the perfect moment I could have passed for a turnip.  After about another very awkward five minutes I responded with some nearly inaudible dribble pertaining to the fact that I thought we should be more then friends, after which we hugged then had this terrible teeth knocking kiss.  That was followed up by an almost proper kiss.


We both sort of looked at each other as soon as it was done with a bit of awe that we let things get to that point.  Next morning we met up for a surf way later then we should have even though it was going off cause we kept each other up till 3am trying to express our feelings for one another.  There you have it, the most awkward I have ever felt in my entire life.


On a side note for anyone wondering: Sindia now lives in Whales, UK and is I believe a world renowned Scientist in the field of chemical paleo-oceanography or something to those regards.  I never quite got her actual field of specialization.  We broke up on mutual terms I guess around four years ago.  Our lives were just going in different directions.  We still keep in touch and from what I can infer she is doing very well for herself in both life and love.  I could not be any happier for her.


As for me well I don’t feel I need to fill you in considering I write about everything here on a daily basis.  If your lost there are over 485 blogs on this website alone and thousands on the old myspace blog.   Go nuts reading if you feel that inclined.  All I will say is that I too am happy.

Now that is an Awkward situation....

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This weeks UCB brings Kooky Kyle back into the victory circle.  Back in September when my life was in order I wrote a UCB entitled the Ten Year Plan where I pretty much wrote both a very real and then a dream plan to be accomplished by the time I was forty.  You can click the link above if you missed it or just plain want to refresh your memory.

Since then things have changed quite a bit and I have found my life in utter shambles.  Adrienne finally moved out this past Saturday.  I would be lying if all of me had not wanted to drop to my knees and pleaded with her to stay.  Of course that was out of the question for both my own personal respect and the sake of her and my mental health.  I don’t really know whether our split is a break or a break up.  All I know is that it was necessary.

I’m pretty torn up over the whole thing and miss her to death.  Looking back now I realize there was just too much drama between us to fix at the moment.  Maybe in time if it was meant to be the two of us will be drawn back in to one another.  That is a long shot and one I need to put out of my head for the moment.

In the movie “Food Inc” there is this lady who has a segment in the film in which she speaks about the loss of her six year old son to ecoli bacteria. She said she had to establish a “new normal” since with out her son alive her life could never be the same again.  My despair of losing a lover absolutely does not even come close to the loss of a child, but that idea of establishing a new normal is exactly what I have to do.

Right now the immediate goal is to force myself to get out of bed every morning and stay out of it till night.  This may seem like an easy task, but when you feel crushed like I do it is very hard.  Alfie gets me up to feed him around 7am every morning but after that it’s back under the covers for me.  I try to pry myself out of bed by 9am and go for surf.  Eat a little breakfast (that’s right I am finally eating again at least) and keep myself occupied for the rest of the day.

Aflie mopes around the apartment all day long making this horrid meow that sounds like a mix between a moan and a screech and when he is not doing that he lays flat on my dresser hanging his head off the edge all pathetic looking.  I guess he is taking it harder then me.   In all actuality I was prepared a bit for what was coming, but poor Alfie knew nothing of it.  One minute Ade’s was here and the next gone for no rhyme nor reason as far as he was concerned.  He barely made it through the loss of Sindia.  Hopefully he will get over Adrienne as he sits on my lap as I write this with the most pathetic look on his face.

Attempting to establish this new normal is a bit hard at the moment considering I am also teetering on the brink of financial ruin.  Adrienne’s departure from my apartment and life came at short notice and a tough renting season up here on the Mesa.  With both City College and UCSB out for the summer there are an abundance of rooms for rent out there and not too many potential renters.  As of June 1st with a few bites but no concrete commitments it looks like I am going to be out a huge chunk of change.

Upon further inspection of the state of my bank account I determined that I spent way too much money in the attempt to woo Ades back.  As it turns out I burned through all my auxiliary funds leaving me with just enough to cover the whole rent on my apartment if (which at this point seems to be the harsh reality) I cannot find a roommate by the first.  If you live in Santa Barbara and happen to know someone looking for a place I have a really nice room in a great apartment available immediately, check it out here: http://santabarbara.craigslist.org/roo/2409336577.html


Currently I am unemployed till September with just a small amount of income being rendered from unemployment.  At the moment I don’t even have enough money to eat.  There is nothing worse then when your cupboards are bare.  Things are beginning to look a bit on the grim side for me at the moment.  At this point I am applying for any position I can find to get my hands on some cash and tomorrow will attempt to sell the majority of my quiver on craigslist.com for a fraction of what its worth.

Just think eight weeks ago I was on top of the world feeling strong with a firm future.  Now I may be homeless in 60 days watching my car get repossessed. Don’t worry this is all worst case scenario stuff.  I am sure some good fortune will come my way.  On the other hand my immediate survival problems trump my emotional turmoil.

If I get all this handled in the next few days then I can go back to establishing my new normal.  As far as a one year plan goes its up in the air right now.  I am going to continue with culinary school and keep working at Westmont.  I want to get back into music.  Ever since all this bull shit started I have been shredding on the saxophones again.

Over the summer I have a few little projects I want to get done.  One in particular is to finish the coffee table (see coffee table link at the top of the blog for more about that).  I want to grow my vegetable garden and work on me as a person.  At the moment I have been pursuing my spiritual side at this church call the Mansion here in Santa Barbara devoted to lost souls finding their way back to God.

So far everyone there has been really wonderful to me and are like a second family.  They all go out of their way to invite me things, make me feel like I belong and help me strive to be the great person I want to be.  Pursuance of my new faith is a serious goal over the upcoming year.  Mainly I need to regroup, rebuild myself and find out who I am again.  When you’re with someone as long as I was with Adrienne that person becomes a part of you and you a part of her.  When that person is taken from your life it is like losing an appendage.  Now I have to be strong and stand on my own two feet again.

This may be my new home very shortly. Alfie is not there because I most likely had to eat him to survive.

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