I woke up this morning with a penis on my finger and a throbbing sensation. No my finger was not getting a hard on. In fact it was just all swollen and pissed off after the trauma it had been through in the course of the last twenty four hours. If you read the Surflog then you know I was off the past week for spring break and that up until today I was on a pretty decent surf streak this month. I guess that streak has come to an annoying halt.
Friday (3-14) was my first day back at work in about a week. In theory it should have been an “easy money” day as we like to call them at the kitchen. My projected number of diners was around 50 to 100 at best and I had another cook at my disposal for the shift. Like I said “easy money”. The menu was decent enough, white vegetable lasagna, BBQ chicken, turkey pot pie along with the usual sides. I took the slower day as an excuse to make the best damn lasagnas I possibly could. I love the less intense days so I can go that extra mile, which can be near to impossible on the days when your feeding 1,200, keeping tabs on six stations and eight cooks. None the less I always try to obtain the highest level quality possible.
By 3:30 we were pretty much solid on all the preparations and had nothing really to accomplish till four. I noticed the dishwasher had failed to put away a number of pots, pans, cutting boards and other kitchen related items. Being the nice helpful guy I am I decided to go into the dish pit and finish the job thus avoiding aggravation to my night dish washers who always have shit dumped on them. As I was stacking a group of 10 gallon pots above my head (a weight of over 30 lbs) I some how managed to get my finger caught between the bottom pot an the other three. A finger guillotine was instantly created and carried out.
You know when you know you just do something really fucked up to yourself, but at that moment while in denial you look at it and think “fuck, that ain’t so bad”. While intently looking at my finger, or what bludgeoned mess now resembled it I though maybe I could put it back together with a little crazy glue and a band aid. As I watched the tip of my finger flap in and out of position and saw that the nail was cut clean through I came to the realization that professional medical care was in need. Fuck it, it happened on the job thus I didn’t have to pay for it anyway.
I walked up to my boss, let him behold the bloody mess that was a finger and nonchalantly stated “I think I need to fill out an incident report”. He got rather pale in the face, handed me a towel and took me to the local urgent care. My own personal assessment of the injury and previous dealings with such had me almost certain the ER was not a necessity. Yes I do tend to find myself in these situations quite regularly. Its always amusing to me when I walk into a waiting room with a bloody towel wrapped around me and the horrified looks on all the other patients. All of a sudden their minor complaints of back pain and a sore throat seem rather minuscule as they think “shit, at least I’m not that guy”. Its ok cause I am always that guy.
Whenever I approach the check in counter the nurses are always thinking “Fuck, I don’t want to deal with this shit, especially at 4:30 on a Friday”. Meanwhile I always just try and laugh it off as I do with most problems that are thrown at me. Situations always are more fun when everyone is laughing even in an emergency. Not wanting to deal with my mess I was sent across town to an occupational health center set up by the town to deal with worker compensation related issues. Fucked up hand withstanding I was handed a clip board full of questions to answer.
The first few were apropos medical questions. When I got to the third page, yes THE THIRD MOTHER FUCKING PAGE!!! Mind you I am bleeding all over the place, the form, the chair, my clothes. I started reading questions like “What hobbies do you enjoy”, “what sports do you participate in”, “what music do you like”. I said to the nurse behind the desk “what are you writing a book? or am I filling out a dating profile?, or maybe your looking to sell my information to a mass marketing company, I don’t care which but I AM FUCKING BLEEDING ALL OVER MYSELF HERE!!!!!” Another funny thing about when you are bleeding all over the waiting room is how all the other patients immediately get up and move to as far away to the other side of the room as they can. As if the aids I am not carrying is going to jump into them.
I finally get in to see the doctor, who also consequently wants to go home cause its now 4:50pm on a Friday and his office closes at 5pm. All his nurses went home already leaving me with him, the x-ray technician and one of the receptionists, none of whom had ever assisted in such a procedure. Everyone was rather eager to learn and I figured what the hell, why not be a guinea pig. The operation got under way and I am not going to lie it was a pretty messy ass wound, all jagged and on a weird ass angle. The doctor decided to go right through the nail with the stitches, a technique I had never really seen used before. When he was all done he called the entire office in to see his handy work. I don’t know if he was really proud of the job or he just wanted to show how fucked up it was. Either way it was most amusing. When all was said and done I was left with a penis finger.
- Four fingers and a Penis, lucky me. I guess it is better then the four fingers and bloody vagina I had prior to this photo.
That leaves us at this present moment as I finish painstakingly typing this blog for your enjoyment with a hand and a half. Looks like I am going to be side lined for a few days, maybe a week. I am not really looking to get in the water until the stitches come out next Tuesday 3/25. I asked the doc when he thought I could surf again and he said a few days if I duct tape it and keep it dry. With a solid looking WNW coming in for early this week I may have to take such drastic matters. Then again is it worth risking an infection and the possibility of losing the finger altogether? Time will tell my friends.
Flawless Rincon Cove, enough to make the reward out weigh the risk?
Surfing Ruined My Life 