Posts Tagged ‘Bull Shit’

BatteredFingerSmI woke up this morning with a penis on my finger and a throbbing sensation.  No my finger was not getting a hard on.  In fact it was just all swollen and pissed off after the trauma it had been through in the course of the last twenty four hours.  If you read the Surflog then you know I was off the past week for spring break and that up until today I was on a pretty decent surf streak this month.  I guess that streak has come to an annoying halt.

Friday (3-14) was my first day back at work in about a week.  In theory it should have been an “easy money” day as we like to call them at the kitchen.  My projected number of diners was around 50 to 100 at best and I had another cook at my disposal for the shift.  Like I said “easy money”.  The menu was decent enough, white vegetable lasagna, BBQ chicken, turkey pot pie along with the usual sides.  I took the slower day as an excuse to make the best damn lasagnas I possibly could. I love the less intense days so I can go that extra mile, which can be near to impossible on the days when your feeding 1,200, keeping tabs on six stations and eight cooks. None the less I always try to obtain the highest level quality possible.

By 3:30 we were pretty much solid on all the preparations and had nothing really to accomplish till four.  I noticed the dishwasher had failed to put away a number of pots, pans, cutting boards and other kitchen related items. Being the nice helpful guy I am I decided to go into the dish pit and finish the job thus avoiding aggravation to my night dish washers who always have shit dumped on them.  As I was stacking a group of 10 gallon pots above my head (a weight of over 30 lbs) I some how managed to get my finger caught between the bottom pot an the other three.  A finger guillotine was instantly created and carried out.
Finger guillotineYou know when you know you just do something really fucked up to yourself, but at that moment while in denial you look at it and think “fuck, that ain’t so bad”.  While intently looking at my finger, or what bludgeoned mess now resembled it I though maybe I could put it back together with a little crazy glue and a band aid.  As I watched the tip of my finger flap in and out of position and saw that the nail was cut clean through I came to the realization that professional medical care was in need.  Fuck it, it happened on the job thus I didn’t have to pay for it anyway.

I walked up to my boss, let him behold the bloody mess that was a finger and nonchalantly stated “I think I need to fill out an incident report”.  He got rather pale in the face, handed me a towel and took me to the local urgent care.  My own personal assessment of the injury and previous dealings with such had me almost certain the ER was not a necessity.  Yes I do tend to find myself in these situations quite regularly.  Its always amusing to me when I walk into a waiting room with a bloody towel wrapped around me and the horrified looks on all the other patients.  All of a sudden their minor complaints of back pain and a sore throat seem rather minuscule as they think “shit, at least I’m not that guy”.  Its ok cause I am always that guy.

Whenever I approach the check in counter the nurses are always thinking “Fuck, I don’t want to deal with this shit, especially at 4:30 on a Friday”.  Meanwhile I always just try and laugh it off as I do with most problems that are thrown at me.  Situations always are more fun when everyone is laughing even in an emergency.  Not wanting to deal with my mess I was sent across town to an occupational health center set up by the town to deal with worker compensation related issues.  Fucked up hand withstanding I was handed a clip board full of questions to answer.

The first few were apropos medical questions.  When I got to the third page, yes THE THIRD MOTHER FUCKING PAGE!!! Mind you I am bleeding all over the place, the form, the chair, my clothes.  I started reading questions like “What hobbies do you enjoy”, “what sports do you participate in”, “what music do you like”.  I said to the nurse behind the desk “what are you writing a book? or am I filling out a dating profile?,  or maybe your looking to sell my information to a mass marketing company, I don’t care which but I AM FUCKING BLEEDING ALL OVER MYSELF HERE!!!!!”  Another funny thing about when you are bleeding all over the waiting room is how all the other patients immediately get up and move to as far away to the other side  of the room as they can.  As if the aids I am not carrying is going to jump into them.

I finally get in to see the doctor, who also consequently wants to go home cause its now 4:50pm on a Friday and his office closes at 5pm.  All his nurses went home already leaving me with him, the x-ray technician and one of the receptionists, none of whom had ever assisted in such a procedure.  Everyone was rather eager to learn and I figured what the hell, why not be a guinea pig.  The operation got under way and I am not going to lie it was a pretty messy ass wound, all jagged and on a weird ass angle.  The doctor decided to go right through the nail with the stitches, a technique I had never really seen used before.  When he was all done he called the entire office in to see his handy work.  I don’t know if he was really proud of the job or he just wanted to show  how fucked up it was.  Either way it was most amusing.  When all was said and done I was left with a penis finger.
Four fingers and a Penis, lucky me. I guess it is better then the four fingers and bloody vagina I had prior to this photo.

Four fingers and a Penis, lucky me. I guess it is better then the four fingers and bloody vagina I had prior to this photo.

That leaves us at this present moment as I finish painstakingly typing this blog for your enjoyment with a hand and a half.  Looks like I am going to be side lined for a few days, maybe a week.  I am not really looking to get in the water until the stitches come out next Tuesday 3/25.  I asked the doc when he thought I could surf again and he said a few days if I duct tape it and keep it dry.  With a solid looking WNW coming in for early this week I may have to take such drastic matters.  Then again is it worth risking an infection and the possibility of losing the finger altogether?  Time will tell my friends.

Flawless Rincon Cove, enough to make the reward out weigh the risk?

Flawless Rincon Cove, enough to make the reward out weigh the risk?

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Chris Lisanti & Alfie

Well about a month ago I started to tell a tale about Heather and I in “Whats Been Goin Down in Lisanti Land” blog.  Since then I pretty much have fallen off the face of the earth as far as blogging is concerned.  Although that is not entirely true.  If you are an avid reader of the surflog then you already know most of what I am about to impart here. In that case consider it a more in depth recap of a very strange, emotional and trying month in Lisanti Land.  Those of you who have been on the edge of your seat I really hope you didn’t fall off.

When I last left off Heather and I had decided to take a break or more like she decided she needed more time for that break.  I did my usual grieving and spent the weekend at the Wild Cat finding my way to fancy town with Bizarro and the usual regulars.  I had by that point just about written the relationship off.  Fuck, I am a pessimistic person after all.  Its so much easier to figure you are going to get screwed in the long run.  This way if you do get screwed at least you knew it was coming and if you don’t then you are pleasantly surprised.

It all started at work on the Monday after the above mentioned Wild Cat romp.  I was lamenting of my pathetic situation as most despondent poets and love enthusiasts do in such a situation to my buddy Hugo.  Hugo to his credit has been with his girl friend for about a year or so and in his own way is rather romantic about it.  If he reads this he will probably shank me for stating that.  He told me straight forward “If you love her then fight for her”.  I didn’t really know what to do or how to do it.

She wanted a break and space.  How could I manage to make contact with her with out violating those wishes?  Then the gears started to turn in my head.  I immediately went to Shakespeare and re-read Romeo and Juliet.  Alas that romance would not do for it did not apply to us.  I thought harder into my archives and then it hit me.   As You Like It, was the perfect place to start.  Just as Orlando went into the forest of Arden to woo Roslyn I to would take up my quest to the West Side of Santa Barbara for my Heather.   I hate to say it, but I think I would rather spend a night in the Forest of Arden then on the West Side.

I know I denounced flowers and poetry years ago after failed attempts with both Adrienne and Vespera.  Then again that is the language of love.  At first you don’t succeed, try, try again.  With that on my mind I proceeded. It also helps to note that I figured I had lost her forever anyway thus what harm could a little courteous harassment do? I decided that at seven days before we were to meet I was going to leave her a flower and poem a day on her doorstep every morning.

Flowers in Victorian times, when matters of the heart and lust were done more discreetly held many different meanings to their beholder.  I started with a singe yellow rose for friendship on the first day with a small poem and elaborated every day after.  I was making custom bouquets, hand picking cards from this salvage shop downtown that went with the message I wanted to convey.  I even potted a small arrangement in her grandmother’s antique flower pot she had left in my yard.

Mentally I was barely sustaining through all of this. On one end the effort put forth gave me a sense of hope.  On the other a higher sense of despair.  We were suppose to get together on a Thursday, but a deadline at work had her unable to meet me.  Discouraged, yet not put off I rescheduled for that Saturday, 10/19.  An alarming email sent by her to me, which I may have looked into a bit too hasty caused me to cancel and reschedule for that following Tuesday.  That’s the problem with email its way to vague.  I hate technology.  Lets just go back to horse and buggy times.

Years ago I scored Santa Cruz with Mauriello.  This was Middle Peak at Steamer Lane.  On this swell it could have been just as good if not better

Years ago I scored Santa Cruz with Mauriello. This was Middle Peak at Steamer Lane. On this swell it could have been just as good if not better

Then I got hit up Sunday morning by Mauriello claiming quite the NW swell was to hit his way.  All signs pointed to Santa Cruz being epic.  If I was to go I would have had to bail Monday night after work and not bet back into the Barb till that Thursday.  The allure of scoring some of my favorite SC spots was very appealing.  I almost pulled the trigger on it.  If I were to blow Heather off yet again what kind of message would that have sent?  

After much deliberation I decided for once in my life to go with my heart and not my crazy surf addiction.  I regrettably declined John’s generous offer to score three days of what could have been some epic surfing.  My life has been full of amazing waves and as hard as it was to not grab a few more I knew there would be plenty more opportunities to get barreled in my life.  If I had blown off Heather that could have been my last chance.  To my devote surfing readers believe me the decision sounds crazy.  At some point in life surfing will not be able to fill your every need and want.

At this point in my life surfing although is still at the forefront of everything for me it is not my end all be all.  Consequently the surf was absolutely shit here in the 805 during the time span I was suppose to be scoring up north.  As it turned out Heather ended up canceling on me due to her not feeling so well.  I knew she was not blowing me off.  When you were with some one for as long as I was with Heather and as intimate, you know when they are telling the truth or not.  We rescheduled yet again for Thursday, 10/24.   At that point I was bummed I had not just pulled the trigger on the Nor’Cal’ trip.  While I stayed home and agonized John charged size-able Ocean Beach.

Ok, I dont think it was this unruly, but Mauriello lives for this shit.  Nothing but big cold closed out barrels !

Ok, I dont think it was this unruly, but Mauriello lives for this shit. Nothing but big cold closed out barrels!

Thursday came and I must say that I woke up with an air of calm relief that if was finally time to face my demons.  Yet at the same time I was as nervous and anxious as I have not been in some time.  Unfortunately my shitty boss roped me into working the early shift by pulling a dick move and putting me on the schedule for the AM shift with out telling me.  I work and have been working pretty much the same schedule for the last four years.  That being the case there is no point in me checking the schedule ever.  Since I didn’t check it if I didn’t show up it would have reflected as an attendance demerit.  After so many demerits you get a write up and after too many write ups you get fired.

At the moment I am on somewhat thin ice as it is.  One because I can’t help but flap my mouth around when things are bull shit.  Two because this whole Heather situation has had my attention and concentration highly diverted, not to mention my nerves and patience lacking.  Three my drinking problem which I developed post Adrienne makes me a liability at times.  All my higher ups need is a valid excuse to can my ass with out my being able to go to human relations and demand a fair labor hearing.  Isn’t working for a big corporation awesome! If I get fired I am going to have to move on to my back up plan which is sucking dick for crack and then selling the crack for a profit.  As glamorous as that life sounds I think I will pass on it.

I pulled myself through a shitty work day made worse by the feeling of the unknown of what the out come of the evening would be.  I am talking beyond butterflies.  I could not even eat.  When 3:30 came I planned on bolting home and getting prepared both physically and mentally for the evening.  As I was cleaning up my station around 2 pm I got a text from Ryan that Rincon looked fun.  No matter the verdict of the night I thought there no harm in bailing out of work an hour early to go score some fun Rincon.  Lets face it nothing makes me feel better then a good session at the Queen of the Coast.

No matter what life sends me its all left on the beach especially when that beach is Rincon.

No matter what life sends me its all left on the beach especially when that beach is Rincon.

I got a few fun ones up at Indicator and River Mouth and for at least an hour I was able to forget my problems.  Or lack there of respective to people who have real problems in life.  To each their own.  The starving kid in Africa wishes he had the scraps thrown away by a low income American, who intern wishes he could eat filet mignon.  Meanwhile the rich recollect on those bygone days when he was young and free and not so tied down by all his worldly assets.  Its all relative.  With a better mindset I drove home ready to face whatever my fate would be….

****To be continued.  I know what an asshole I am.  First I don’t write anything for over a month and then I leave you with a cliff hanger.  Well read the old surf logs from October and November if you really can’t wait.  Its late now and I’m tired.   The rest of the story is pretty good and I do promise all the feeling and emotion that may have been graced over in the surf log and even some hindsight looking back over the situation. In the meantime here is a cute picture of Alfie to tide you over.*****

Black Cat with Crazy Hair

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Lisanti Safety grab


What the fuck is going on here?  I turn my back for a minute, take a brief hiatus from hating life and some mother fucking small time poor excuse for an impostor decides to go and steal my thunder!  What am I ranting about incoherently you ask? Check this shit out: SURFINGRUINEDMYLIFE.COM circa 2012…Guess what? SurfingRuinedMyLife.net was established in August of 2010.  I know I have been a bit of a slacker as of late.  To be honest all sorts of random ass bullshit has been going on in my life both good and bad and I have not cared to write about everything as an actual post.  I decided to use the surflog for my day to day and blog posts for things of more substance or lack there of.  Just like this very important post.

I know imitation is the best flattery, but if one is to imitate at least get it right and don’t be some poor excuse for another shitty bull shit surf clothing company that means to portray a lie of a life style only really enjoyed by total and utter kooks.  Oh except for in this case where it appears to be two fat old men who can’t surf for shit and are probably just eternal kooks. Just when I though things in this world could not get more fucked up and stupid some idiots design a terrible logo, put it on a cheap fifty cent t shirt and then try and turn around and sell it for $22.  Meanwhile I give away the real thing right here for free.  Kooky Kyle said I should go after them for a share of the profits.  That sounds like a nice idea but I don’t want to end up owing anymore money then I already do cause I could not imagine anyone buying that ugly shit let alone wear it.

Yeah surfing a ton of fun. Just watch out for those fiberglass shanks attached to the bottom of your board

Yeah surfing a ton of fun. Just watch out for those fiberglass shanks attached to the bottom of your board

If you cruise through their nice little site and I stress the word “NICE” (real quick how nice is any of the content you read here?) they have tales of how surfing ruined their lives.  One is about ditching work on a good south to go surf Malibu and what a great time they had.  Let me tell a real tale about going and surfing Malibu on a south swell.  I left my apartment around 8 am, fought three hours of traffic on the 101 in my shitty beat up Saturn with out air conditioning.  Spent another hour finding a parking spot which was impossible forcing me to illegally park.  1st peak was shit house packed with kooks, long boards and SUP’s.  I paddled, got burned on every fucking wave I went for and some chick on a soft top ran me over and ripped my suit.  Then I got back to my car where I had a $100 parking ticket on my windshield and my driver’s side mirror was knocked off where some asshole side swiped me.  I paid $4.50 a gallon to fill my tank so I could drive home, where my angry girl friend made me sleep on the couch cause I forgot it was her birthday.  Now that my friends is a true story of how surfing ruined my life!

My fellow friends at surfingruinedmylife.com continue on in their about us section to talk of their life long devotion to surfing and how that devotion ruined their lives.  Hey boys here is a look at mine.  I spent 22 years chasing terrible waves all around the world in search of fame, fortune and glory.  So far all it has brought me is heart ache, frustration, and anger.  At 32 years old I am broke as fuck, owe money to more people then I can count on one hand, work a dead end job, can barely remember what the word stoke means and have nothing to show for my quest then tons of memories of perfectly good closed out barrels.  It has cost me a marriage, countless relationships, more money then I have earned, friends, family, jobs, schooling, opportunity, and dreams.



Am I complaining? Absolutely not.  On the contrary, I would not have had it any other way.  Before enlightenment chop wood carry water, after enlightenment chop wood carry water.  I have sacrificed everything in life in order to surf.  I do surf, nearly every single fucking day no matter if it is one foot and blown out or ten foot perfect Rincon.   Please my fat iconic, ironic, counterparts over at surfingruinedmylife.com cease and desist in your retarded portrayal of how surfing ruined your lives.  News flash; all of you have wives, families and most likely decent jobs and I am guessing all of you own SUP’s too.  Nice pictures of surf trophies you found in the trash at HB Pier.  I filled a garbage pail with surf trophies once too.  The guy who threw those away, well I bet surfing really did ruin his life.  Your shit is weak.  So I would like to invite you guys over at surfingruinedmylife.com to come up here to Santa Barbara and suck my BIG FAT HAIRY COCK!!

I think this picture of this bear says it all

I think this picture of this bear says it all

Now here is a guy who surfing has ruined his life.

Now here is a guy who surfing has ruined his life.



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Alright, so I’m dropping a special UCB tonight.  I am also adding an amendment to the UCB rule book as a result of certain recent participants getting a bit out of hand with their suggestions.  I love all the enthusiasm but this is a little bit ridiculous.  Listen up everyone for now on you can only submit 5 UCB Topics in a seven-day period.  It will be seven days from your 5th posting.  For example if you post your 5th suggestion for the period on a Tuesday then you have to wait for that next Tuesday before you can throw down another suggestion.


If you break this rule then if I decide to use your UCB topic the points will go to whoever the previous week’s winner was.  So be weary of this and make those topics count cause I am tired of getting Christmas style lists of barely qualified topics.  You also run the risk of me showing up at your house with a sock full of pennies and beating the piss out of you.  With that out of the way Nick the Kook takes the win on a special edition of the UCB and earns 1 point. This is what happens when you throw down too many topics.


Here is the shopping list Kook presented me with:

1. hipsters
2. end of the world
3. sharting
4. clogging the toilet
5. pearl necklace
6. surfing really fucking cold water/conditions
7. 5 reasons why Florida sucks
8. worst song youve ever heard
9. the cost of printer ink
10. dumbest ucb that has won

I am going to answer each one of these topics in as concise an answer as possible thus taking them all off the market forever.


  1. Hipsters: I don’t really understand the current hipster trend and truth be told I also don’t give a shit about it either.  So they where stupid cloths that are two sizes too small, talk like morons, have bad facial hair and dumb hair cuts.  They also seldom get laid meaning more for me!  P.S.  when I wear jeans that tight every lady and queer in the room is staring at my junk, but those hipster guys must have some of the worlds smallest cocks cause they never have any bulge showing, not that I am a bird watcher, just stating a fact.


  1. End of The World:  Some people think the world is going to end in December of next year. I guess only time will tell.  I remember when the world was supposed to end ten years ago back in 1999 with all that y2k bull shit.  Guess what folks, we are still here.  All I can say on this one is that if you live everyday like its your last, take nothing for granted, cherish ever single moment and be the best you can possibly be then I would not worry about it.  Everyone is going to die.  The question is did they really live?


  1. Sharting:  Sharting is just plain fucking disgusting.  Everyone has done it at least once in his or her life.  It sucks and can be embarrassing at an inopportune moment, although I suppose there really is no good moment to have a shart happen. For those of you who are more dignified then my Jersey brethren a shart is when you fart and accidentally shit your pants instead.  It’s not a pretty sight.  I once knew this kid I surfed with called Shart because apparently he shit his pants at a party and threw his underwear in the bathroom garbage pail opting to go commando. Next day the kid’s mom of the house Shart was partying at found the nasty ass pair of draws.  He as been Shart ever since.


  1. Clogging The Toilet:  These just keep getting better.  I’m very glad for the invention of the toilet.  Before that people took piss and shits in either little bowls and dumped it outside or used a giant human litter box that was kept under the staircase on the first floor of the house.  One complaint I do have is that modern day toilets, especially those good for nothing low flow ones clog easy as hell.  I’m sorry but I only shit about once a day so when it goes down I fill the fucking bowl.  This usually leads to clogging.  Now in my house there is always a plunger right next to the toilet so if you get into said scenario you can get yourself out.  I have been in the homes of others where there was none to be found. Then I find myself pouring water from a cup into the tank to try and add more water pressure.  It becomes a nightmare.  Moral of the story: Keep a plunger in your bathroom or risk being left with a nasty floater. 

5. Pearl Necklace: Wow these are just literally going down the crapper, well not in the case of the last two or even this one for that matter.  I could be an old fart or a square and write about how I think pearls are very sexy when worn by a woman to accompany a formal gown. Alas I know that is not the pearl necklace Kook is talking about. Here is the Urban Dictionary definition of Pearl Necklace: the glorious culmination of tit-fucking, in which you blow your nuts out all over a girl’s tits, shoulders, neck, and, with any luck, chin. one of the highest expressions of love and affection bestowable upon a  woman by a man. I do not agree with this at all.  As a matter of fact I keep my semen to myself and have never blown a load on a chick in my entire life even if I was asked to.  I have too much respect for women in general to do such a feat even if she does not have enough self-respect to know any better.

  1. Surfing Really Cold Water/Conditions:  I grew up in such conditions and have scored some of the best sessions of my life on days most would not even think about coming out from under the covers.  That being said I moved out of that garbage almost five years ago and have not looked back since.  Give me the shitty cold, crowded blown out conditions of Central California any day.

 7. Worst Song I Have Ever Heard:  I don’t know, I have heard a ton of bad songs.  I would have to say just about anything country is the worst song I have ever heard.


  1. Five Reasons Florida Sucks:
  1. Rednecks
  2. Old People
  3. Mushy Waves
  4. Portuguese Men of War
  5. Midwestern tourists

 9.The Cost of Printer Ink:  Why is printer ink so expensive?  I mean its ink right.  I think it is because you have to buy those stupid cartridges.  Why cant we just open up a slot and pour in ink like typewriters used to be?  It is all a set up to jack us for more hard earned money.


10. Dumbest UCB That Has Ever Won:  I think we have a winner right here.  Congratulations Kook.  That was fucking exhausting.

These guys are sooo cool.


Four birds with one stone. Here we have a Florida redneck clogging a toilet after sharting his pants while giving his girlfriend a pearl necklace.

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Bad habits die hard.  I was suppose to be in wine class this morning, my favorite class and one I really hate missing, but I had to work the Lunch/Dinner shift at work today thus forcing my hand.  I truly thought there was a Friday night section of the class, which I would later find out was on Thursday night.  I really need to pay more attention to the details in life so I stop constantly blowing it.  That being said if I had to do it all over again I would still miss class, even if I went into the session knowing I was to destroy my favorite surfboard ever.

I woke up and checked the buoys.  They were solid and the wind was off shore with an eight am low tide.  All signs pointed to Rincon.  I got there and the lot was barely half full.  I knew judging from Santa Clause that there was a wave so I just suited up with out checking it.  As I came out of the trail I saw a solid eight to ten foot set five waves deep stand up and unload top to bottom through the cove, barrel and spit.

There were only about ten guys on it.  The water turned out to be freezing and after the first half hour the wind went south.  Bobby was killing it as always.  I had a few great ones including a really fun inside double up that I had some words with some dude about claiming that i paddled around him.  I mean come on man its fucking Rincon. That sort of thing happens all the time.  For the record I did not deliberately paddle the guy.  I was paddling further up the point when the wave came and I swung around for it.

I was a solid twenty yards up from him when I took off.  He proceeded to burn me then call me gay as I passed him, floated a fifteen yard section leaving him in the dust.  That turned out to be one of the better waves of the session for me.   Then it happened, I caught the best wave of the winter for me at Rincon.  I was fucking freezing and it was toward the middle of the session.  This bomb set came and caught everyone out of position.  The eighth wave in the set missed the outer break point of high cove and doubled up right where I was sitting.  No one was deeper so I took off.  I got to the bottom of the thing and it was way way way over  my head.  Im going  to have to claim ten feet on this one.   I hit it three times before pulling into a huge gaping tube which I came out of then did another two huge tail free backside hacks.  As I was going up for the third one I blew my tail out way to far and found myself free falling down a good six feet with the lip.  When I looked under me there was this dude right where I was going to land so I ditched.  I ended up getting worked super hard.  I hit the bottom and got pinned there!  When I came up dude and I were tangled while being battered by solid six foot waves.

When we got free I noticed that the tail of my board was destroyed.  Too bad to cause I really like this board and Kooky dinged my other board while he was visiting last week.  Although beat up I deemed my tail still surfable and the waves were way to good to get out considering I still had another half hour of surf time.  Right after that wave the tide and wind got funky and I never saw another really good one.

Then on my last wave to add injury to insult some dude burned me and as I was attempting to pass him he smashed his nose into my rail compressing it a half inch into the board.  I was dumbfounded by the whole thing because it was not even a good wave.  It was an insider I took just because I was out of time and had to go to work.  Basically in summary I missed my favorite class of the week, caught my best personal wave as far as size and quality go at Rincon for the season yet managed to destroy my board on it and some idiot decided that my board was not broken enough and went ahead and helped to finish the job.  For some stupid reason if you asked me if I would do it all over again my reply would be damn straight.

My wonderful board before getting mangled at Rincon.

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This week as I mentioned in my previous bullshit blog was Westmont College’s spring break, being my employer I had the week off as well, unpaid of course.  I actually am ahead financially (or was?) and with many backed up errands to run and Kooky Kyle’s adventure tour the time was rather welcomed.  One of those errands I had to handle was car shopping.  I know just the thought of getting rid of Sammy the Saturn and our countless plights together is a somber one.  We ran up and down the east coast dozens of times for multitudinous round one losses and embarrassment at surf contests. Sammy and I survived the arduous task of driving cross country to California, where I slept in the back seat of the car at truck stops and nearly froze to death in Alabama of all places.

I rebuilt the chassis from junk yard parts when I was ran off the 101 by some random idiot and we survived 200,000 miles of insanity together.  Sammy had a great run and as far as cars go all I can say is that an ’02 Saturn despite the gripes of others did me well.  If I put over five grand in repairs on that car over the nearly ten years of ownership it was a lot.  I was sorry Saturn went under or I would have definitely went back for another.  If you mess around on the myspace.com blogs you can find tons of Sammy and Chris adventures.

Lately driving Sammy around has been like riding in a ticking time bomb.  The whole car shakes over 60mph, the driver side mirror was broken and hanging on by epoxy, the passenger side was repaired with bondo, the tires were bald, the brakes were going, it ate two quarts of oil every 200 miles and god only knows what else was about to blow up under the hood.  Sammy needed to retire, especially with all the driving that constantly plagues the Santa Barbara surfer.   Car shopping I went.

I dont know if anyone out there has ever went car shopping before (Im sure you have) but it is exhausting both physically and mentally.  Maybe its fun when you have a decent supply of money to work with,but when your playing with six grand and bad credit it can be a nightmare.  I wanted something that had under 50k on it and preferably a Honda Civic.  I had been looking online and at auto shoppers for sometime, but I know very little about cars and have no friends that are mechanics so buying a used car that way is very risky.  That being the case I resolved to go the dealer route where I could at least get some type of warranty.

Shopping at car dealers is like being a scantly clad, sexy female at the bar, as soon as you step on to the lot you are being lurked by all the salesmen there.  They let you peruse the merchandise for a little while and then they pounce.  Some were intelligent and when they heard my situation pretty much sent me on my way.  Others were a bit hungrier.  I was at a Toyota dealer looking at the selection of pre-owned vehicles. I told the sales man Steve exactly what I was looking for yet he still attempted to sell me a super charged Scion Xb including a high speed test drive where at one point we found ourselves coming up to a 180 degree turn at 75 miles per hour.  My hear was in my mouth for a moment when we practically drifted the turn at  55.

I couldn’t help humoring the guy, I mean he was so excited about the car.  In the end I found myself at a Buick dealer looking at a 2010 silver Honda Civic two door coupe for $16,800, way out of my price range.  As I was about walk off a sales person, Moses was his name, approached me.   I thought his name was a sign and worth hearing what he had to say.  He claimed they had a comparable Civic for 13.5 on their other lot and we would take the Civic I just described to it.  That ended up just being a ploy to get me to test drive the car.  It was a really smooth ride and I was digging on the car but I knew I could not afford it.

I told him as much and then Moses said “If I could make the numbers work would you be interested”.  Now I love to humor delusional people so I agreed.  When you get inside with a car salesman its a ton of fun.  They try all these ploys to get you to pay sticker price and the like.  After about an hour of negotiations I was over it. I got up to split and then his sales manager shows up, which always happens in such a case and offers me $500 for my Saturn.  I laughed and kept on walking.  Then he offered $1000, Then $2000.  At $2000 for a car barely worth $200 how could I not go for it.   Then the idiots were somehow able to get me a loan as well.

I ended up buying the thing locking myself into a five year $219 a month contract.  Now I hate committing myself to one place for that long, but I figured between school and the chef thing and my ultimate ten year New Zealand goal I will pretty much be planted in Santa Barbara for a while anyhow.  Why not spoil myself with something nice to drive for a change?  Im going to be getting a better job really soon and can most likely pay the thing off faster anyhow.  I guess Im growing up a bit and becoming less of a recluse.  I know its a bit sad, but even Moon Doggie in Gidget had to move off the beach and get a real job.  Dont worry kids Im still in the game and as long as I get a session in a day my core can not be questioned.

I own this...sort of.

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