Posts Tagged ‘Kook’

The last time we checked in with our friend Kooky Kyle it was nearly two months ago and he was about to embark on a most excellent journey for the noblest of causes (check out “Good Bye Kooky” if your lost).  He was headed to Tanzania for two years in the service of the peace corps.  Be assured that he is still alive, probably well, and from the sound of things most likely was not raped.   Seems like a win/win all around.  Limited transmissions have passed between us here at SurfingRuinedMylife.net and Kooky.  Mauriello got a FaceBook.com message from him when Kooky first got out there reading “Africa is gnar bar”.

Then it was a month of silence until this week when our hero decided to grace Mauriello with following brief and vague words:

“Tanzania is okay. I am in the southern highlands outside of njombe. I have seen elephants and monkeys and shit. I am not happy with my site, but I am going there for the first time today. so I will know for sure if I am going to ask to get transferred. I am at like 6000ft elevation. So even with spf 30 I sun burn in 30 minutes”…Kooky Kyle

Fucking A’ Kooky, I guess you should have brought the SPF 50!  Seriously, two months in Africa and that is all we fucking get.  I have described shits that I have taken with more detail then that.  In light of the weak ass passage Kooky was generous enough to share with us I have decided to take matters into my own hands and imagination and give a photographic account of what Kooky Kyle may have likely been up the past few months.

He grew a pair of breast and has been nice enough to help nurse the children

He decided the whole peace, loving helping thing was over rated and signed on with a militant group of African nationals.

I don’t even know whats going on here, but its something fucked up.  Somebody tackle this guy, Kooky has run wild in Africa.

He decided the best way to handle the hunger problem was to load up a beater car with bananas and hand them out to those in need.
Once again we find our Kooky in among another wild mob scene.  One thing is certain the kid has certainly been busy. Or at least that is in the warped imagination of my mind.
KookyAfrica4Yes I am terrible at photo-shopping, a terrible person and have a terrible sense of humor.  In all seriousness I do hope everything is going well for Kooky.  I hold the guy up to the highest of admiration for having to courage to strike off on his own to one of the heaviest places on Earth and try and do a bit of good to boot.  While most people (myself included) just sit around and bitch about how fucked up the world is there are a select few who have the balls to put their money where their mouth is.  Kooky Kyle is one of these people and I am more then proud to call him my friend. I can’t wait to share a drink with him at the Wild Cat and a session with him at Rincon upon is return.

***Disclaimer: This blog was written in all good fun and humor.  I am not condoning any of the activities in any of these photos.  Its just a good laugh for myself and some of Kooky’s other close friends who know if he could read this post he would get a laugh out of it and appreciate the stupidity.******

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Last we checked in with Kooky Kyle he was in Raglan working and being encompassed in a flat spell.  Here is an update from the man himself.

 Hey everyone, I am not dead. Today is my final full day in Raglan, I am hiring a car tomorrow and cruising to Taranaki. The forecast is looking good so I should be getting some fun waves. Last you heard from me I was at Solscape Wwofing and sitting in a flat spell. I made myself surf the beach break pretty much every day until the flatness ended. I can tell you from personal experience the beachie he is talking about is a pretty terrible wave. 

What ended the flat spell? A head a half+ west swell lighting up all three points. The first day was wild and wooly, I surfed and Manu and spent more time paddling than I should have. I surfed a day like what he is describing out there.  It was easily double overhead and stormy as all hell.  I actually got some real bombs that day and got respect for the rest of my time there from all the locals because of it.  The second day saw the swell hit in force with big disorganized surf pouring into all three points. I surfed Whale Bay in the morning because I wasn’t up for spending my whole session paddling through the washing machine that was Indicators.

I surfed Manu Bay in the afternoon and got some workings on the Ledge.   The ledge is the heavy ass section at the top of Manu that is only really make-able when it is huge and even then it is a crap shoot.  I don’t know how Chris deals with surfing over boils on his back hand I just got my ass kicked. Mitch Coleborn was out and that guy along with some other Raglan pros were tearing the place a new asshole. Getting out I heard one of the Raglan guys say “It isn’t the best Manu, but it is the best we have had in a month.” The swell finally cleaned up on the third day and I mistakenly grabed my 5’10” thinking that the swell had dropped enough.

WRONG. Indies was still head and a half plus, offshore and crowded. I had no problem catching waves on the 5’10” but getting them off of the crowd and the drops was another story, and the short of it is I got three waves and got my ass worked for two and a half hours. By the afternoon the swell had actually dropped and I got some great waves and surfed really well considering my kooky ass. My ride had ditched me and taken my clothes back to Solscape with him, leaving me walking barefoot on some unkind twisting turning roads. It is all good though he had work to get to and the surf was worth it. This morning the swell had nearly dried up but i surfed indies again and had another great session trading off on waves with this older kiwi.

With the topic of waves out of the way, I really enjoyed my time here. Once it was discovered that I was more useful doing gardening/landscape/outdoor work, I have to say I didn’t mind working here at all and it stirred memories on working in my garden at my parent’s Maryland house. If you ever come to NZ and want to visit Raglan definitely check out Solscape. They treated Chris right and they have treated me well too. One black mark has happened here, last night there was a rash of small thefts, a wallet, Sarah’s cellphone, a set of iPod speakers were all stolen, we are all pretty sure who did it but there isn’t anyway to prove it. In a place where all the people are friendly and know each other this kind of stuff doesn’t happen but when a thief gets in, it is a field day.

Anyways, I will keep you posted when I can I am not sure what the situation will be like over the next weeks but I will try and keep in touch.—–Kooky Kyle

Manu Bay, Raglan New Zealand, firing.

Taranaki secret spot, Kooky's next destination...

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Alright, so I’m dropping a special UCB tonight.  I am also adding an amendment to the UCB rule book as a result of certain recent participants getting a bit out of hand with their suggestions.  I love all the enthusiasm but this is a little bit ridiculous.  Listen up everyone for now on you can only submit 5 UCB Topics in a seven-day period.  It will be seven days from your 5th posting.  For example if you post your 5th suggestion for the period on a Tuesday then you have to wait for that next Tuesday before you can throw down another suggestion.


If you break this rule then if I decide to use your UCB topic the points will go to whoever the previous week’s winner was.  So be weary of this and make those topics count cause I am tired of getting Christmas style lists of barely qualified topics.  You also run the risk of me showing up at your house with a sock full of pennies and beating the piss out of you.  With that out of the way Nick the Kook takes the win on a special edition of the UCB and earns 1 point. This is what happens when you throw down too many topics.


Here is the shopping list Kook presented me with:

1. hipsters
2. end of the world
3. sharting
4. clogging the toilet
5. pearl necklace
6. surfing really fucking cold water/conditions
7. 5 reasons why Florida sucks
8. worst song youve ever heard
9. the cost of printer ink
10. dumbest ucb that has won

I am going to answer each one of these topics in as concise an answer as possible thus taking them all off the market forever.


  1. Hipsters: I don’t really understand the current hipster trend and truth be told I also don’t give a shit about it either.  So they where stupid cloths that are two sizes too small, talk like morons, have bad facial hair and dumb hair cuts.  They also seldom get laid meaning more for me!  P.S.  when I wear jeans that tight every lady and queer in the room is staring at my junk, but those hipster guys must have some of the worlds smallest cocks cause they never have any bulge showing, not that I am a bird watcher, just stating a fact.


  1. End of The World:  Some people think the world is going to end in December of next year. I guess only time will tell.  I remember when the world was supposed to end ten years ago back in 1999 with all that y2k bull shit.  Guess what folks, we are still here.  All I can say on this one is that if you live everyday like its your last, take nothing for granted, cherish ever single moment and be the best you can possibly be then I would not worry about it.  Everyone is going to die.  The question is did they really live?


  1. Sharting:  Sharting is just plain fucking disgusting.  Everyone has done it at least once in his or her life.  It sucks and can be embarrassing at an inopportune moment, although I suppose there really is no good moment to have a shart happen. For those of you who are more dignified then my Jersey brethren a shart is when you fart and accidentally shit your pants instead.  It’s not a pretty sight.  I once knew this kid I surfed with called Shart because apparently he shit his pants at a party and threw his underwear in the bathroom garbage pail opting to go commando. Next day the kid’s mom of the house Shart was partying at found the nasty ass pair of draws.  He as been Shart ever since.


  1. Clogging The Toilet:  These just keep getting better.  I’m very glad for the invention of the toilet.  Before that people took piss and shits in either little bowls and dumped it outside or used a giant human litter box that was kept under the staircase on the first floor of the house.  One complaint I do have is that modern day toilets, especially those good for nothing low flow ones clog easy as hell.  I’m sorry but I only shit about once a day so when it goes down I fill the fucking bowl.  This usually leads to clogging.  Now in my house there is always a plunger right next to the toilet so if you get into said scenario you can get yourself out.  I have been in the homes of others where there was none to be found. Then I find myself pouring water from a cup into the tank to try and add more water pressure.  It becomes a nightmare.  Moral of the story: Keep a plunger in your bathroom or risk being left with a nasty floater. 

5. Pearl Necklace: Wow these are just literally going down the crapper, well not in the case of the last two or even this one for that matter.  I could be an old fart or a square and write about how I think pearls are very sexy when worn by a woman to accompany a formal gown. Alas I know that is not the pearl necklace Kook is talking about. Here is the Urban Dictionary definition of Pearl Necklace: the glorious culmination of tit-fucking, in which you blow your nuts out all over a girl’s tits, shoulders, neck, and, with any luck, chin. one of the highest expressions of love and affection bestowable upon a  woman by a man. I do not agree with this at all.  As a matter of fact I keep my semen to myself and have never blown a load on a chick in my entire life even if I was asked to.  I have too much respect for women in general to do such a feat even if she does not have enough self-respect to know any better.

  1. Surfing Really Cold Water/Conditions:  I grew up in such conditions and have scored some of the best sessions of my life on days most would not even think about coming out from under the covers.  That being said I moved out of that garbage almost five years ago and have not looked back since.  Give me the shitty cold, crowded blown out conditions of Central California any day.

 7. Worst Song I Have Ever Heard:  I don’t know, I have heard a ton of bad songs.  I would have to say just about anything country is the worst song I have ever heard.


  1. Five Reasons Florida Sucks:
  1. Rednecks
  2. Old People
  3. Mushy Waves
  4. Portuguese Men of War
  5. Midwestern tourists

 9.The Cost of Printer Ink:  Why is printer ink so expensive?  I mean its ink right.  I think it is because you have to buy those stupid cartridges.  Why cant we just open up a slot and pour in ink like typewriters used to be?  It is all a set up to jack us for more hard earned money.


10. Dumbest UCB That Has Ever Won:  I think we have a winner right here.  Congratulations Kook.  That was fucking exhausting.

These guys are sooo cool.


Four birds with one stone. Here we have a Florida redneck clogging a toilet after sharting his pants while giving his girlfriend a pearl necklace.

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Back in 2001 the ASP world tour went down to a shortened season as a result of the horrible attacks of September 11th.  As a result two very important world tour events were canceled and CJ Hobgood took the world title.  Unfortunately for him although having the accolade of claiming a world title his name and accomplishment will always carry a little asterisk next to it indicated that it was not a full year and therefore maybe in the minds of some not a true victory.   I say fuck that CJ is the man and deserved that title no matter.

Usually (for those of you unfamiliar with the UCB) the spring quarter runs from April 1st to June 21nd.  This quarter being I completely dropped the ball, shit I only posted 11 blogs in all of June  (thank you for completely taking over my life FRS) I decided to extend it till July 1st and I made the first blog of the quarter worth double points.  Like I said before and I think if you have been a follower here you know how hard the spring quarter has been for me (if your lost read through the April and May archives).  Im not really going to compare it to a catastrophe like 9-11 was, even though I sort of  did.  But all things considered one could reason 2011 has been a bit crazy and somewhat tragic.

Then again back in January I was thinking how boring Lisanti Land had gotten and started feeling I was becoming a drone like the majority of the population.  Luckily for me that did not happen and I have been granted a “do over” in my life.  I have had three already and each time my life has gotten so much better because of it.  A person really close to me told me they were settling and it was killing her.  Maybe I was just settling too, because I just turned 30 this year, I dont really know.  All I do know is that the 5 year plan, and ten year plan are out the window in exchange for no plan at all.  That is how things used to work in Lisanti Land and life was just fine.  I do have a three year and a long term plan, but those are to be discussed in a later blog (don’t forget the novel is coming along very nicely and I am sure it could be a great work of literature).

Enough about me (damn Chris Lisanti is a narcissistic asshole.  Of course I am that is why I have a blog in the first place!).  Lets get down to our Spring UCB Quarter Winners Circle.  The king for the quarter till dethroned is a first timer, Nick the Kook.  Everyone who reads here regularly knows all about the antics of Nick the Kook and I do believe he is with out a doubt one of the most fun surfingruinedmylife.net personalities.  He takes the cake this quarter even if it will always carry the dreaded asterisk.  Kook at least you and CJ Hobgood can have something in common.  By the way, in case you did not already notice Nick the Kook has his own blog now StayWet.net feel free to check it out.  He promises you wont lose you teeth.  As far as he is concerned on the other hand he never knows how he made out the night before till he smiles in the mirror and gets a count of his pearly whites.

Winners Circle:

Nick the Kook: 4 points*
John Mauriello: 3 points
Kooky Kyle: 1 point

Thank you all for playing, and if did not submit any entries then all I have to say is that your blowing it.  Remember 1st prize is a self expense paid trip to Lisanti Land, which includes but is not limited to at least one crazy night at the Wild Cat.  Now who does not want that? Look how well Kooky made out with his first prize just back in march: Kooky Kyle Speaks Out.  Truth be told win or lose everyone has the opportunity to come hang out in Lisanti Land all they need do is ask.   Thanks again everyone for participating and the rest of you for reading and supporting my crazy whimsical fantasy land to which I reside.

Spring was tough for me, but I promise you the worst is over.  The rest of the summer we will have nothing but good times here at Surfingruinedmylife.net. Ok, Im sure there will be some crying, anger and ranting in there too.  According to my statistics it seems you folks like it when I am dealing with adversity more anyhow.

CJ Hoobgood, one of the best backhands in the business.

Your UCB King of the Quarter ladies and gentlemen.

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Ridiculously moronic acts of localism in California and my adverse experiences with it has been a reoccuring theme here on SurfingRuinedMyLife.net.  It seems every time we have a fresh instance the ante always gets taken up a notch.  Well today my friends I witnessed at the expense of Nick the Kook one of the most asinine acts of localism ever.  It all went down during a shitty, crowded, closed out sunset session at Pitas Point.

Forecasted  swells out here are always a shit show, the situation becomes even more exacerbated when they fall on a weekend and during a wave starved winter.  All of these entities came into play on this fateful day.  After a great morning session at Rincon (see surf log for more on that) we came back to town and chilled out for a little bit, enjoyed a splendid lunch at the Habit (the best mother fucking burger joint in the world), had an audience with renowned shaper Jason Feist of J7 surfboards, and closed my bank account at the worlds biggest collection of economical rapists Chase Bank.  Things were shaping out to be a remarkable day.

Then it all went so bad so fast.  Expecting a shitty crowd everywhere we headed out with very low expectations.  Rincon had over 200 people, Little Rincon was packed, Hobsons was crowded.  Pitas had a good crowd but over looking around we resolved on giving it a paddle.  Originally I was all for taking a nap in the car while Nick surfed, but then I saw some nuggy looking walls racing through the lower section of the point.

We get out there and with in the first ten minutes of the session I look back and I see Nick paddling for a stretched out one.  I knew he wasnt going to get far but let him play it out.  I guess this old guy in his late sixties, total geriatric was paddling for the same wave but a little farther down the ling.  Nick as he was about to stand up for the wave got sandwiched between his board and the old guy’s.  Before Kook got a chance to get free (all the while the wave peels by unridden) the old guy wound up and cracked Nick the Kook in the back of the head with an opened palmed Hay Maker!! A mother fucking open palmed hay maker!!!!! Who does that kind of aquamarine assault?

I will tell who: Old salty guys who are no longer able to keep up with the pack as a result of their withered body and take their frustration out upon others they feel to be weaker then them.  All I see is nick rubbing his head completely dumbfounded while the old guy is yelling at him.  “You must be from down South trying to pull a bullshit move like that.  Your from LA are’net you? Well Im from here”.  Nick completely confused and slightly maimed mumbled an apology and paddled over to me.

Initially I wanted to go get the guy and smash his face with a cobble stone, but then not being a person of value at Pitas and him knowing most of the other geriatrics out there we would have been ran out of the water and then embarrassingly had our asses kicked by a bunch of guys who were most likely sporting false teeth and Viagra.   Needless to say we let it go.  Poor Nick ended up with a ruined session and a nasty dent in the top of his head.  I felt bad for him but in another light found it to be one of the funner Nick the Kook and Chris Lisanti Misadventures to go down.

Below is a dramatized photo re-enactment of what went down:
(The part of the old man is played by Chris Lisanti, Nick as himself)

"Go back to LA Kook!"

"Go back to LA Kook!"


"Why would you do such a thing"

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