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Posts Tagged ‘Florida’

Alright, so I’m dropping a special UCB tonight.  I am also adding an amendment to the UCB rule book as a result of certain recent participants getting a bit out of hand with their suggestions.  I love all the enthusiasm but this is a little bit ridiculous.  Listen up everyone for now on you can only submit 5 UCB Topics in a seven-day period.  It will be seven days from your 5th posting.  For example if you post your 5th suggestion for the period on a Tuesday then you have to wait for that next Tuesday before you can throw down another suggestion.

 

If you break this rule then if I decide to use your UCB topic the points will go to whoever the previous week’s winner was.  So be weary of this and make those topics count cause I am tired of getting Christmas style lists of barely qualified topics.  You also run the risk of me showing up at your house with a sock full of pennies and beating the piss out of you.  With that out of the way Nick the Kook takes the win on a special edition of the UCB and earns 1 point. This is what happens when you throw down too many topics.

 

Here is the shopping list Kook presented me with:

1. hipsters
2. end of the world
3. sharting
4. clogging the toilet
5. pearl necklace
6. surfing really fucking cold water/conditions
7. 5 reasons why Florida sucks
8. worst song youve ever heard
9. the cost of printer ink
10. dumbest ucb that has won

I am going to answer each one of these topics in as concise an answer as possible thus taking them all off the market forever.

 

  1. Hipsters: I don’t really understand the current hipster trend and truth be told I also don’t give a shit about it either.  So they where stupid cloths that are two sizes too small, talk like morons, have bad facial hair and dumb hair cuts.  They also seldom get laid meaning more for me!  P.S.  when I wear jeans that tight every lady and queer in the room is staring at my junk, but those hipster guys must have some of the worlds smallest cocks cause they never have any bulge showing, not that I am a bird watcher, just stating a fact.

 

  1. End of The World:  Some people think the world is going to end in December of next year. I guess only time will tell.  I remember when the world was supposed to end ten years ago back in 1999 with all that y2k bull shit.  Guess what folks, we are still here.  All I can say on this one is that if you live everyday like its your last, take nothing for granted, cherish ever single moment and be the best you can possibly be then I would not worry about it.  Everyone is going to die.  The question is did they really live?

 

  1. Sharting:  Sharting is just plain fucking disgusting.  Everyone has done it at least once in his or her life.  It sucks and can be embarrassing at an inopportune moment, although I suppose there really is no good moment to have a shart happen. For those of you who are more dignified then my Jersey brethren a shart is when you fart and accidentally shit your pants instead.  It’s not a pretty sight.  I once knew this kid I surfed with called Shart because apparently he shit his pants at a party and threw his underwear in the bathroom garbage pail opting to go commando. Next day the kid’s mom of the house Shart was partying at found the nasty ass pair of draws.  He as been Shart ever since.

 

  1. Clogging The Toilet:  These just keep getting better.  I’m very glad for the invention of the toilet.  Before that people took piss and shits in either little bowls and dumped it outside or used a giant human litter box that was kept under the staircase on the first floor of the house.  One complaint I do have is that modern day toilets, especially those good for nothing low flow ones clog easy as hell.  I’m sorry but I only shit about once a day so when it goes down I fill the fucking bowl.  This usually leads to clogging.  Now in my house there is always a plunger right next to the toilet so if you get into said scenario you can get yourself out.  I have been in the homes of others where there was none to be found. Then I find myself pouring water from a cup into the tank to try and add more water pressure.  It becomes a nightmare.  Moral of the story: Keep a plunger in your bathroom or risk being left with a nasty floater. 

5. Pearl Necklace: Wow these are just literally going down the crapper, well not in the case of the last two or even this one for that matter.  I could be an old fart or a square and write about how I think pearls are very sexy when worn by a woman to accompany a formal gown. Alas I know that is not the pearl necklace Kook is talking about. Here is the Urban Dictionary definition of Pearl Necklace: the glorious culmination of tit-fucking, in which you blow your nuts out all over a girl’s tits, shoulders, neck, and, with any luck, chin. one of the highest expressions of love and affection bestowable upon a  woman by a man. I do not agree with this at all.  As a matter of fact I keep my semen to myself and have never blown a load on a chick in my entire life even if I was asked to.  I have too much respect for women in general to do such a feat even if she does not have enough self-respect to know any better.

  1. Surfing Really Cold Water/Conditions:  I grew up in such conditions and have scored some of the best sessions of my life on days most would not even think about coming out from under the covers.  That being said I moved out of that garbage almost five years ago and have not looked back since.  Give me the shitty cold, crowded blown out conditions of Central California any day.

 7. Worst Song I Have Ever Heard:  I don’t know, I have heard a ton of bad songs.  I would have to say just about anything country is the worst song I have ever heard.

 

  1. Five Reasons Florida Sucks:
  1. Rednecks
  2. Old People
  3. Mushy Waves
  4. Portuguese Men of War
  5. Midwestern tourists

 9.The Cost of Printer Ink:  Why is printer ink so expensive?  I mean its ink right.  I think it is because you have to buy those stupid cartridges.  Why cant we just open up a slot and pour in ink like typewriters used to be?  It is all a set up to jack us for more hard earned money.

 

10. Dumbest UCB That Has Ever Won:  I think we have a winner right here.  Congratulations Kook.  That was fucking exhausting.

These guys are sooo cool.

 

Four birds with one stone. Here we have a Florida redneck clogging a toilet after sharting his pants while giving his girlfriend a pearl necklace.

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Things have been pretty heavy here on SurfingRuinedMyLife.net as of lately.  Such is life, such is life my friends.  As an appreciation for reading my sad babble of despair and heart ache I though I would reward you with a short funny tale that happened to me this past December while visiting my parents in Florida.  I had been shelving the thing for a special occasion and now I figure is as good a time as any.

In life an advantageous person can find a way to benefit from almost any situation.  This is the story of how thanks to a random act of child abuse I managed to score a free soda on a very hot day.  Whenever I go visit my parents they always have all these fun little activities that we can all do together.  Apparently in South Florida back in the early 1900’s a commune of Japanese farmers bought a large plot of land and set up a Japanese work farm that lasted about thirty years before ultimately like most other communes failing.  One of the guys of the group stuck with it and made a small fortune working the land.

In his will he donated all his land to the county to be turned into a Japanese cultural center of sorts.  Today there is a beautiful collection of different types of Japanese gardens, a heritage museum, a bonsai tree exhibit and much more.  The place is amazing. Its called the  Morikami Gardens and is a must visit if your in the area. Check them out here: http://www.morikami.org.

I was wandering around this incredible place rather awestruck when nature called.  I went looking for a bathroom and as I was approaching it I heard yelling.  Then I see this Asian lady screaming at this little girl after which she proceeded to give the kid a few good whacks on the rump.  Then she pulled a can of orange soda out of the kid’s hand and threw it in the trash all angry.

Initially I was taken back by the whole incident.  Then again who am I to interfere with a persons parenting technique.  I mean its not like she was inflicting real injury on the kid.  Besides I took a few lickings when I got out of line as a kid and it helped make me tough.  Obviously if the mother was inflicting injury upon the girl I would have stepped up and put her down, but that was not what I observed to be the case.   Plus I was really thirsty and the water fountain or dispensers of transmittable diseases as I like to call them was questionable at best.

My inference on the scenario was that the mother put her money in the machine and the little kid pushed the button for orange soda with out having permission to do so thus bringing the onslaught of public child abuse I inadvertently witnessed.  Now I have a pretty good ear when it comes to caned liquids and the sound of that can hitting that garbage pail seemed like it was probably unopened.   As soon as mommy dearest and darling daughter were on their not so merry way I took the opportunity to peer into the trash.

Sure enough that can was full.  I gave a quick look around to make sure no one was watching and then reached in and pulled the can out.  I took it to the bathroom, gave it a wash and whamoo! One free can of orange soda for yours truly.  The funny thing is I was really thirsty too.  That my friends is how I benefited from great techniques in poor parenting.

It was Fanta too!!! They make the best orange soda.

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