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Posts Tagged ‘Fuck’

cadburyEgg1

Last night while shopping at Rite Aid I had a pleasant memory from my past; The Cadbury Egg.  When I was a kid I loved these mother fucking nougat filled eggs.  For years I have been enjoyably eating the shit out of them.  Last night I was floating around the popular pharmaceutical emporium waiting for Heather to get all the random beauty accessories she needs on a very regular basis.  To my credit I needed some bar soap and liquid hand soap for my kitchen since I have been mixing the old one with water for the past two weeks and now there pretty much isn’t any soap left.  It was time.

Anyway as I was meandering around the store like a creeper when I came across a display of Cadbury Eggs.  I thought why not relive a bit of confectionery nostalgia.  I grabbed an egg and brought it and my menagerie of soap products to the counter.  When the girl, who may or may not have been retarded (she thought Heather and I were brother and sister??? WTF) rang up my Cadbury Egg the fucker cost $1.19 plus tax!!!! 1.19!!!!! Are you fucking kiding me?  They used to be a quarter.  I bought one like three years ago and it was like seventy five cents.

At that moment I realized that inflation and the American economy had passed me by.  In the past five years my salary has only increased by 25% meanwhile the Cadbury Egg in just three years has increased 65%.  I find it a bit disturbing and very fucked up that a chocolate covered egg with a nougat inside that somewhat resembles dirty jizz has manged to make more money then I have, a skilled laborer.  Then I thought further into about how little the skilled laborer is worth to America.  There was a time in this country where everyone made a fair living wage and could buy all the tasty chocolate eggs they wanted.  Now 90 percent of us starve and work out asses off to do so while a very privileged 10% hold all the cards.

What is this the fucking middle ages?  Are we all really just serfs working the land for our rich lords and lady land owners.  Fuck, every year my rent goes up 100 bucks a month while all I get is a 15 cents raise for my efforts.  This shit is fucked.  I am not asking to be paid a million bucks or something.  All I would like is to be able to cover all my bills every month and to have a little fun money.  Fuck you Cadbury and your tasty over priced jizzy eggs.

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BatteredFingerSmI woke up this morning with a penis on my finger and a throbbing sensation.  No my finger was not getting a hard on.  In fact it was just all swollen and pissed off after the trauma it had been through in the course of the last twenty four hours.  If you read the Surflog then you know I was off the past week for spring break and that up until today I was on a pretty decent surf streak this month.  I guess that streak has come to an annoying halt.

Friday (3-14) was my first day back at work in about a week.  In theory it should have been an “easy money” day as we like to call them at the kitchen.  My projected number of diners was around 50 to 100 at best and I had another cook at my disposal for the shift.  Like I said “easy money”.  The menu was decent enough, white vegetable lasagna, BBQ chicken, turkey pot pie along with the usual sides.  I took the slower day as an excuse to make the best damn lasagnas I possibly could. I love the less intense days so I can go that extra mile, which can be near to impossible on the days when your feeding 1,200, keeping tabs on six stations and eight cooks. None the less I always try to obtain the highest level quality possible.

By 3:30 we were pretty much solid on all the preparations and had nothing really to accomplish till four.  I noticed the dishwasher had failed to put away a number of pots, pans, cutting boards and other kitchen related items. Being the nice helpful guy I am I decided to go into the dish pit and finish the job thus avoiding aggravation to my night dish washers who always have shit dumped on them.  As I was stacking a group of 10 gallon pots above my head (a weight of over 30 lbs) I some how managed to get my finger caught between the bottom pot an the other three.  A finger guillotine was instantly created and carried out.
Finger guillotineYou know when you know you just do something really fucked up to yourself, but at that moment while in denial you look at it and think “fuck, that ain’t so bad”.  While intently looking at my finger, or what bludgeoned mess now resembled it I though maybe I could put it back together with a little crazy glue and a band aid.  As I watched the tip of my finger flap in and out of position and saw that the nail was cut clean through I came to the realization that professional medical care was in need.  Fuck it, it happened on the job thus I didn’t have to pay for it anyway.

I walked up to my boss, let him behold the bloody mess that was a finger and nonchalantly stated “I think I need to fill out an incident report”.  He got rather pale in the face, handed me a towel and took me to the local urgent care.  My own personal assessment of the injury and previous dealings with such had me almost certain the ER was not a necessity.  Yes I do tend to find myself in these situations quite regularly.  Its always amusing to me when I walk into a waiting room with a bloody towel wrapped around me and the horrified looks on all the other patients.  All of a sudden their minor complaints of back pain and a sore throat seem rather minuscule as they think “shit, at least I’m not that guy”.  Its ok cause I am always that guy.

Whenever I approach the check in counter the nurses are always thinking “Fuck, I don’t want to deal with this shit, especially at 4:30 on a Friday”.  Meanwhile I always just try and laugh it off as I do with most problems that are thrown at me.  Situations always are more fun when everyone is laughing even in an emergency.  Not wanting to deal with my mess I was sent across town to an occupational health center set up by the town to deal with worker compensation related issues.  Fucked up hand withstanding I was handed a clip board full of questions to answer.

The first few were apropos medical questions.  When I got to the third page, yes THE THIRD MOTHER FUCKING PAGE!!! Mind you I am bleeding all over the place, the form, the chair, my clothes.  I started reading questions like “What hobbies do you enjoy”, “what sports do you participate in”, “what music do you like”.  I said to the nurse behind the desk “what are you writing a book? or am I filling out a dating profile?,  or maybe your looking to sell my information to a mass marketing company, I don’t care which but I AM FUCKING BLEEDING ALL OVER MYSELF HERE!!!!!”  Another funny thing about when you are bleeding all over the waiting room is how all the other patients immediately get up and move to as far away to the other side  of the room as they can.  As if the aids I am not carrying is going to jump into them.

I finally get in to see the doctor, who also consequently wants to go home cause its now 4:50pm on a Friday and his office closes at 5pm.  All his nurses went home already leaving me with him, the x-ray technician and one of the receptionists, none of whom had ever assisted in such a procedure.  Everyone was rather eager to learn and I figured what the hell, why not be a guinea pig.  The operation got under way and I am not going to lie it was a pretty messy ass wound, all jagged and on a weird ass angle.  The doctor decided to go right through the nail with the stitches, a technique I had never really seen used before.  When he was all done he called the entire office in to see his handy work.  I don’t know if he was really proud of the job or he just wanted to show  how fucked up it was.  Either way it was most amusing.  When all was said and done I was left with a penis finger.
Four fingers and a Penis, lucky me. I guess it is better then the four fingers and bloody vagina I had prior to this photo.

Four fingers and a Penis, lucky me. I guess it is better then the four fingers and bloody vagina I had prior to this photo.

That leaves us at this present moment as I finish painstakingly typing this blog for your enjoyment with a hand and a half.  Looks like I am going to be side lined for a few days, maybe a week.  I am not really looking to get in the water until the stitches come out next Tuesday 3/25.  I asked the doc when he thought I could surf again and he said a few days if I duct tape it and keep it dry.  With a solid looking WNW coming in for early this week I may have to take such drastic matters.  Then again is it worth risking an infection and the possibility of losing the finger altogether?  Time will tell my friends.

Flawless Rincon Cove, enough to make the reward out weigh the risk?

Flawless Rincon Cove, enough to make the reward out weigh the risk?

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Ten years ago yesterday a shit ton of people died over a cultural misunderstanding and a long standing grudge.  Unfortunately the body count from that incident is still rising.  Humans are so fucked up.  I balled my eyes out crying that morning as I watched the towers burn on my television. It made no sense to me at all at the time and still doesn’t. I have a copy of time magazine on the incident a few weeks after that is like 200 pages with all sorts of stories.  I get choked up every time I look at it.

I was back east recently and got a glimpse of the slowly rising freedom tower.  To me the New York sky line will always be missing something, no matter how glorious the new structure may be.  Some blame Osama and Islam, others the US Government.  I blame humanity.  We have been casualties of each others hatred since the beginning of time.  The only difference is we have gotten more efficient at killing.

The more things change the more they stay the same…….

A friend once asked me why I decided to stop participating in society.  I simply replied that I created Lisanti Land because I was tired of being fed everyone else’s bull shit.  At least in my fantasy land I put on my rose colored glasses and see what I ever I wish.  A painted veil after all can do no harm to the wearer.  People take a look around you, things are not right with the world around us.  Maybe they have never been.

I would like to believe this is the worst catastrophe I will live to see, but I fear that I would be just lying to myself.

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