Posts Tagged ‘pathetic’

I am going to come clean.  I am a craigslist personals reader and even on occasion participant.  I know its gnarly, but it can be rather exciting and definitely entertaining.  Shit, to my chagrin I have yet to be stabbed by a random blind meeting.  I have always wanted to be stabbed.  I feel like it would be pretty bad ass to take a blade to the gut.  Nothing fatal or permanently damaging, but I’m talking clean in and out, no arteries, just a plain deep wound that requires like fifty stitches or so.  How bad ass of a scar and story would that be?  As far as gun shot wounds go I don’t want any part of that.  Too gnarly.  I don’t want doctors fishing around my system for any excess lead.

My favorite part of the Craigslist.com personals is the missed connections section.  Its so interesting the types of things people write in there.  First off the majority of them are these asinine posts that read like this: “hey I saw you on State St riding a cool green bike on Friday at 1 pm.  You were hot, hit me up” or “We had a nice conversation in the super market about your fruit selection but I forgot to get your phone number”.  I really wonder if any of those people ever actual find each other through Craigslist?  If anyone reading this has or knows someone whom that has worked out for please leave a comment for me.  I would love to hear about it.

It would put a smile on my otherwise somber face.  Once some dude wrote this funny ass story about some dude who tried to steal his bike seat on mothers day.  That one was so humorous I almost shit my pants reading it.  Then there are all kinds of other crazy shit.  Bottom line, if you are bored or have too much time on your hands like myself (honestly if you are reading this crap then you most likely have too much time on your hands) I would spend a moment or two reading the missed connections section of your local Craigslist.

I just gave it a perusal came across the following post:http://santabarbara.craigslist.org/mis/2441269370.html

” I’m aware we crossed each others paths recently. I hope all is good in your world. My world is really looking up. I just landed my dream job in the city of Angles. My patience, tolorence and good work ethics are panning out. I never lost hope. Hope can carry a long ways as long as you never give up and keep on putting one foot in front of the other. For me I have a faith that keeps me centered and has always helped me get through some of the toughest times in life. I know you are not a believer and thats ok but really when all else fails where do you go from there? I know there are lots of opinions here on that and that’s cool. Actually some of your opinions have really made me think. But anyhow I won’t bore you with that. I forgive you for the things you said and did towards me. I hope you can do the same. We worked well together most of the time but our diffences are really what ended things. So I miss the person I once knew. I think you let a good catch go although I’m sure you disagree. I do hope the best for you. I wouldn’t try too hard here as instant gratification is usually a temporary fix which can distract people and create a real “missed connection” that only appears for a brief moment then poof it’s gone. Take care my dear and it’s ok to wave from a distance.”

Upon reading it I thought man this guy is pathetic.  Immediately after I thought hmm…is that what I have sounded like the past two months?  I think we all know that I am pathetic anyway.  The problem with being a hopeless romantic is the hopelessness.  I guess my story is not all that unique and I am just another poor sap who lost at the game of love. But hey it could be worse I could be like this guy above and posting random shit on craigslist for attention.  Oh wait I don’t need to because I have my own blog to accomplish that task.

Just because...

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Well this morning we have a very special UCB for all you little kiddies out there in cyber world.  John Mauriello wins this week or I guess it really should have been last week, but I dont really give a fuck cause its my shitty ass blog and I will do what I want to.  Anyway he asked about my new found passion for lurking.  Sure he posted it about a month ago, but it was very appropriate to the situation.  If this is a bit incoherent it is because I have a little bit of the bad medicine in me (rum).

I think first off I will start with the dictionary meaning for lurking and it reads as such: ” to lie or wait in concealment, as a person in ambush; remain in or around a place secretly or furtively”.  If that is what dictionary lurking is let me explain what Lisanti lurking is. Its really grand and super classy.  It also follows the same principles as the above definition.

Lurking is the derogatory name I deem to going out to the bar, club, party or any place for that matter with the sole purpose to pick up a chick and fuck her.  After which you will never see her again and most likely never even have gotten her name.  Don’t you know that is the best way to interact with your fellow humans of the opposite sex, especially ones you should be looking to pair up with and spend the rest of your life with.  At least in the animal kingdom the male just flat out rapes the female and gets it over with.

No, as humans we find ourselves more then superior to our four legged foes.  Instead we use our cunning intelligence to out smart the female using a combination of looks, intelligence and of course alcohol to achieve such desired results.  In all respect the female does the same.  Fuck she is probably a more ruthless predator then a man.  At least men are for the most part obvious about their intentions.  Women on the other hand act all innocent, nice and decent.  Then once you give them your heart they turn around and fuck you over.  That is because every last one of them is nothing more then a filthy stinking whore.  Fellow males out there if you have a girlfriend, fiance,  or wife and think she is happy guess again.  If she has not fucked some guy behind your back yet, well she probably will later.  Especially if you treat her well.

Here is how a lurk works.  I get dressed up in my best cloths and I go out to the bar.  Immediately upon entering I case the place out to see what talent lies with in.  Then I figure out the game plan that will work best for me to prey on some unsuspecting female counter part.  End goal: to get her back to my place where I can hopefully objectify her by fucking the shit out her all night with out ever getting her name or caring to learn a thing about her. If I can get her out of my house in time for a mid day surf  and never see or hear from her again even better.

How is that achieved, by saying and doing whatever it takes to make it happen.  Your kind of a con-artist.  If you have a good wing man then you most likely have an entire repertoire down.  It is like when lions hunt they pick out the weakest zebra in the heard coax it out and then nab it.  When you lurk you find your mark and basically do the same with out the eating alive part, unless your some kind of psycho killer.

Yeah I claim to be a gentleman, but I guess that is a load of bull shit!  I’m just a mother fucking scum bag like every one else out there trying to get mine before it gets me.  Except there is one catch I don’t lurk anymore.  I cant lurk anymore.  As a matter of fact it makes me nauseous even to think about such a thing.  I find that to be a funny fact because I used to thrive on such an act.

No, I think I’m fucking done.  I had my time and it passed.  I don’t want to lurk.  I don’t want to drink.  I don’t want to feel terrible anymore.  I’m tired and I wish my time here would end.  For some reason I cant die.  Believe me I have tried and wished, but here I am still breathing air.  I can not take my own life cause that would be too simple, but why cant I have peace?  Do I not deserve serenity.   I am exasperated with jumping through hoops.  Maybe I will just move up into the pacific northwest in the hills and become a recluse.

I have had everything I could ever have wanted in life already.  Then I lost it.  I don’t want anything else.  Why can’t you see how wrong this life is that you created for us.  I know your not happy. Stop lying to yourself and be what you always told me you were. My faith in humanity was small when I met you and now after it has diminished even more.  Fuck everyone.  I’m over  all of you and your shit.  Stop laughing at me cause its not funny.  It never has been.  While you laugh I cry.  Thats how its been my whole life.

What the fuck more do you want from me?  What more do I have to prove? How much more suffering should I have to endure?

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This week’s UCB or last weeks actually considering I did not get a chance to write it till now, makes a winner of Nick the Kook.  He asked that I write a tale about him.  Now there are literally hundreds of stupid Nick the Kook stories in the Lisanti memory bank.  Besides the fact that you can almost count on Nick doing something completely stupid eight out of ten times, but the guy spent probably more time with me then I spent with my ex-wife circa 2003-2007.


The kid hung around the surf shop all day long 7 days a week when I worked there, usually surfed with me after, then went skating with me that night.  We even started traveling together.  Kook and I have racked up a ridiculous amount of friend hours and I would have to say a retarded story would take place involving one or both of us 95% of the time.


When asked to pick a story its not very easy.  I mean I could write an entire segment, maybe start a new blog even about the adventures of Chris Lisanti and Nick the Kook.  There are that many and since we still get together from time to time there are more to come.   For this blog I thought I would tell the tale of a Cinco de Mayo party, a bottle of Agave and an incident of ill treatment to a piñata.  Yeah you’re going to want to keep on reading for this one.  I know I did not want to tell negative stories here anymore, but if a story of my own stupidity and immaturity deters at least one person from drinking too much then it was worth the humiliation.


For a span of three years I was on this wild house party kick.  In New Jersey that is the staple for most alcoholism especially in the winter months.  I guess this took place around 2007.  I could be wrong on the exact date so if anyone out there remembers feel free to correct me in the comments.  My good friend Nick Kiefer one of the most talented graphic artists/photographers I know, now turned hipster musician was throwing a Cinco De Mayo party at his parents house.


Now when I roll up to a party I also come with an entourage, rapper style.  This was actually the very end of my house party days thus I was rolling lighter then usual with just Nick the Kook, Sindia and myself.  I also brought along in proper fashion for the occasion a bottle of Mexican Agave (which is like 80 proof) a gift provided by my parents from a recent trip to Mexico.


Upon entry I open the Agave and it is shots all around till the bottle was cooked.  Let me mention that Kiefer’s parents were in attendance at this party and had some friends of their own at there as well.  Now Agave for those of you who don’t know is the sugar component put into tequila.  I think by now most of you know what happens to me when tequila is involved, I get crazy.  Well Agave has an even higher sugar content meaning an even nuttier Lisanti.


After four shots I was feeling pretty good, and ready to take the party up to high gear.  At this point it may have been about ten at night.  Kook and I decided to get people dancing in the living room.  I think Kiefer’s sister and maybe two of her friends and Sindia briefly humored us.  Shortly after it went from a dance circle to a drunken Nick the Kook vs Lisanti dance off, which basically ended in Kiefer’s parents big screen television nearly falling over crushing the both of us and ruining the set.  Luckily Sindia stepped in being the responsible one and put a stop to our stupidity.  Literally we looked like complete buffoons failing around at a lame attempt of a break dance off.


From there I am pretty sure I ran around the house making imbecilic, incoherent conversation with random people while chugging way too many beers.  Sindia was embarrassed, Kiefer was sorry he invited me and I am pretty sure his parents contemplated calling the police on more then one instance that night.  The Kook tried to get with Kiefer’s now ex-girl friend (not from that event) and as a result was never allowed over Kiefer’s house again.  I’m not certain but I think he also tried to get with Nick’s younger sister and mom as well.


We were a pair of real classy guys him and I.  Finally the night ended with the unveiling of this sombrero piñata.  Nothing makes a drunken Cinco de Mayo party better then smashing a piñata except I think the only people drunk there were the Kook and I.  A few people got their hits in on it and then it was my turn.  Now why anyone at my level of intoxication would have been handed a wiffle ball bat and blind folded is beyond me, but that is exactly what happened.


I came out swinging like a mad man but was way to inebriated to even come close to hitting the thing.  I am pretty sure I fell over in the process also.  Angry and a bit humiliated I ripped the piñata off the ceiling and smashed it against the wall.  Candy fell out all over the place and then I slipped and fell on top of it all, smashing most of it under my body.


Ten minutes later I found myself throwing up all over Kiefer’s bathroom, followed by the front lawn and the entire car ride home, while Sindia drove.  We left Kook behind who as I stated earlier perpetuated the losing task of attempting to get with any lady left at the party.  I got home, fell out of the passenger seat of the car and passed out in the marshland besides my house.  Sindia left me there, pay back for the embarrassing evening and leaving her in the backyard a year ago when she got embarrassingly drunk.


The funny thing is I used to be proud of this story.  I thought it was a really winner to earn me browning points with others.  I always thought when I told it people were laughing with me, well I finally know now they were merely just laughing at me like I was some type of circus clown.  Part of me still thinks partying hard is a ton of fun, until I sit down and read what I write.  Then I realize all I am doing is making a fool of myself.  “He who walks in the darkness does not know where he goes” John 12:35.

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Im an Ashanti fan so sue me.  I think her vocals are pretty tight, she is good to look at and her grooves are solid.  Her music speaks to me as of lately.  I have been playing her on loop from my Ipod the last few weeks.  This is one of her weaker songs from the Declaration album entitled Struggle.  It actually came on my shuffle while I was sanding boards yesterday and I had never really listened to the lyrics before, usually I always skip it because of the cheesy key board intro.  I must of been the middle of something that required the use of both my hands cause I let it play out.

Turns out the lyrics really reflected my current emotions and feelings.  I ended up repeating it three times, then listened to it again this morning.  Pretty much everyone around me right now is looking at me like door mat and believes that I have completely disrespected myself.  They don’t fully understand my situation, heck I don’t understand it even the slightest.  My world is in complete disarray right now and I have to just have faith and trust in the lord, in myself and in the other person whom I care so deeply for.

So yeah what I’m doing right now is crazy and it hurts, but it feels good too.  I don’t know how things are going to play out.  All I can do is stick by my convictions a bit longer despite how pathetic it looks and be strong.  If your still at loss to understand why I’m traveling down the path that I am listen to the lyrics of this song closely and maybe you will see.  This captain is going down with the ship.

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