This week Mauriello finds his way back on top with the UCB topic Midgets. He further elaborates with have I ever touched a midget and would I like to. If I had a son that was born a midget would I cut my losses and murder him? Truth be told I was at first a little appalled by this topic finding it a bit inappropriate, a bit juvenile and overall stupid.
Then I remembered that all three of those entities are exactly what this blog thrives on. If there are any little people out there or vertically challenged humanoids as the politically correct term for them, I do not mean to offend. Its all in good fun. Hate the game not the player. Even though using the word midget is technically like using a certain “N” word when referring to people who came to America from Africa years ago, Im going to use it anyway for this blogs purposes.
First off let me just say that I find midgets to be extraordinary micro people of whose presence on this planet I find to be unrivaled by any. I could sit around and watch them all day with their little arms and legs and their tiny clothes. I think midgets should have their own little villages where only they can live but us big people could visit on occasion. Sort of like an Indian reservation, but with out all the casinos and alcoholism although I guess if the wee men decided they wanted those things in their village it would be ok by me.
I would much rather it though if they set up a sort of shire type existence like in Lord of the Rings. Those Hobbits were real fun loving people so why cant a village full midgets be the same way, but with out the hairy feet. That shit really nauseated me. Hopefully they wont be as gay as Elijah Wood and that Sam guy were. Fuck. I’m getting the hebbie jebbies just thinking about it.
Just Imagine getting to take a weekend getaway to midget town USA. It would be like people who enjoy going out to Amish country to get away from it all and get great deals on hand made furniture. I don’t really think midgets would be very good at making furniture due to obvious constraints in their physique but they could give hours of entertainment, especially if we make a law that says they have to dress up like great rolls played by movie midgets, such as the star wars characters, or Mini Me, or the Muppets (I know they were puppets but it would be great to go to a midget town where everyone was a Muppet). That would be better then discounted furniture any day.
They could even have all midget sporting event leagues. Imagine watching a midget football or hockey game, that would be classic. As far as touching a midget, I have never had that pleasure, not sexually or just mutually like a handshake or hug. I have never had the luck to meet a midget as an acquaintance. Would I fuck a midget lady? If she had all the goods I would do it. They had this cute blond midget on an episode of Sienfeld once that I totally could have got down with.
As far as a midget child goes heck no I would not kill him. On the contrary I would have so much fun with that kid. First off he would have to dress up in different costumes weekly. Monday would be Ewok day, Friday Yoda day, Tuesday Froddo day, Wednesday he would just dress like a dog and crawl around on all fours. The other days he could be whatever he wants but it would have to be some type of festive costume. Also he would have to become skilled at juggling and other circus type tasks of entertainment so that I could have my own little carnival at home. I could even loan him out to friends for parties and other fun events. A world without midgets my friends would be a very sad place indeed.
This video clip from the movie “Being John Malckovich” pretty much gives you the idea of what Im talking about with a midget town
Who wouldnt want to have a beer with her?
Imagine a whole village of there guys!!!
Surfing Ruined My Life 
I believe I have requested this as one of th pilot UC’s but if not I conceed defeat. I rememeber a certain conversation in which I told you there were only kooks surfing in wilmington( as which up to that three months here, was all I had observed) and informing that indeed 2 were of the little person class and you enthusiasm. Every time I contemplate suicide, I look at a little person and think”well at least I am not that bad off”
-Midgets my anti-drug
I think it would be awesome to be a midget so much work opportunities.
I need to put a lock on my computer and cell phone when I am drunk.
Everybody does bud. Drunk texts, calls, emails etc. are a common problem these days.
That UCB was written but you requested I write about what sport I would most like to see as an all midget league.
Oh new UCB: how the fuck do I get a girls number mid converstation?
I usually never have to ask for a phone number. They always ask for mine and then I have then call me right there in front of me so that I have it in their phone. Why do you want to get numbers anyway? Its all about getting them to come home with you. A phone number implies actually having to get to know a girl with an actual date.
You don’t necessarily have to get it mid-conversation. If an opportunity in the convo arises, then do it. I generally will get phone numbers at the end of the conversation, however.
I am far from an expert (just ask Chris about some of my strike-out stories at wildcat) but if a girl is buying what you’re selling, the process is very smooth and simple.
that might be kind of a cool UCB actually. Worst (or best, depending on how you look at it) female rejection stories about either you or a friend. You can even write about the shoes line.
oh by the way, this blog was hilarious.
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