Feeds:
Posts
Comments

mmm…Chianti….mmmmm…So Drunk

October 9, 2011 by clisanti

Me Drunk…….Sooooo Drunk……..Drunk….Wooooo…hooooo…….

Budweiser King of beers,  but this is my queen. I dont even know what I said. Sooo fucked.  Im drunk, your not hah ah ahhahahahahahaha……

Cant believe they never bothered to move on??????

:/

 

Posted in Anger | Leave a Comment »

Something Old That Made Something New

October 6, 2011 by clisanti

Chris Lisanti is a mother fucking hoser.

This shot was taken around the same time period all of the footage your are about to watch was.

About two seasons ago, my last days as a pseudo professional surfer my good friend and photog Dave Molleck convinced me to start shooting video instead of pictures.  Now I have always hated myself on film and as a result spent the bulk of my life avoiding it.  After some friendly prodding I was sold on the idea and we began shooting some of my sessions.   Dave moved to New Port like anyone else you wants to make it in the US surf scene.  He went to try his chops as a photographer and shoot some guys who really could surf instead of kooks like me.

Since then he has had some shoots in the mags and on Surfline.com.  I actually ran into him at Trestles this summer (see blog Orange County Can Keep Lowers for that story).  It was good to see him.  I had all these discs with footage of me sitting in a junk draw in my bedroom dresser just collecting dust.  The DVD/CD drive in my computer fried about two years ago so I could not do anything with them, plus I am really lazy and was a bit scared to see how bad I looked.  My boy Ryan has been sleeping on my couch while attempting to get on his feet here in SB.

I was telling him about the footage and since he studied film and editing back in his SBCC days he said he would give it a look and edit it for me.  So here it is the first ever Chris Lisanti surf video.  Its five minutes of absolute spastic gnarl that only I could serve up.  Those of you who have seen me surf in person you know it is quite the experience, those who have not well your in for quite the eye full.  Most people don’t really know what to think the first time they see me surf.

Shoots I was with Adrienne for a year and half before she saw me surf a shitty day at Emma Wood.  shortly after she left me for another man.  What does that say for my surfing?  I think it takes a few watches to appreciate my brand of gnarliness.  Either way its good for stoke or a laugh or both.  Public humiliation is fun.  Told you I am an emotional Masochist.

The video is broken into two parts by a song change and black out.  Stick around for part two cause I get crazy in it.  Listen to the lyrics in the first song.  I think it is rather fitting for me.  Feed back in the comments is always welcome.  Remember when I was a grom my grommie nick name was “The Spaz”.  This vid should easily help you to understand why.

Dave and I about to go for a water session.

Posted in Surfing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Good Riddance: August Surfing In Review

October 4, 2011 by clisanti

Talk about one of the worst months of surfing I can remember in years.  August was positively atrocious for surfing here in Central California.  Up north was blown out all month.  Down south was blown out all month.  There was a serious lack of quality south swells and what meager scraps of bread we were garnished with came along with terrible winds.  Then I flew home to New Jersey to play some shows in the East Village, NYC (see A Trip Back East blog for more about that excursion) and stepped into a terrible flat spell there, just when California got a fun run of south surf.  Go figure.

Besides depravity there was not much more to report from the month of August.  Here is the break down.  If you have been following some of the previous months the numbers speak for themselves on just how pathetic this month in surfing was.  Also the Surf Log section of this site has taken a bit of a new direction.  I am now using it not just as a place to log in my surfing sessions but also as a little day to day  journal on some of the more major events, but too minor for their own blog that happen to me.  I update it just about everyday so it may be worth a look from time to time cause I write some funny fucked up shit in there.

Number of Sessions: 16
Days Surfed: 14
Time Spent in the Water: 25 hours
Waves Surfed: 400
Waves Caught Per Hour: 16

Spots Surfed:

New Jetty: 5
Emma Wood: 2
Santa Clara River Mouth: 2
Fruit Stands: 2
C Street: 1
Lead Better: 1
Hobsons: 1
Manasquan Inlet, NJ: 1
Philadelphia Ave, Sea Girt, NJ: 1
Top 3 Sessions:

3. 8/26/11 AM Session: 1-3+ft, Emma Wood
Time in Water: 1 hr 15min
Waves Surfed: 33
A small rise in wind swell had me scrambling down to Emma Wood for a little grovel session before work.  Far from spectacular it was about chest high and glassy although a bit weak and inconsistent.  There were only three people out and I was there so I went for a paddle.  For whatever reason I was surfing very well sticking all kinds of good shit including a backside air I rode out fakie, a frontside ally oop and nice backside reverse.  I even had one wave I managed to get three solid top to bottom reos ending it with a small backside air reverse in the shore break.  Then all these grommies came out and clogged it, but it was fine cause I had to go to work anyhow.

2. 8/8/11 AM Session: 2-3ft, Fruit Stands

Time In Water: 1hr 45mins
Waves Surfed: 44

Fruit Stands has been the out performer this season.  Although a tad bit smaller then the day before and slightly more windy there were still plenty of boostable bowls and some barrels.  I turned the place into an air show.  Oh and did I mention My boy Ryan and I had the place to ourselves yet again.  I love surfing.

3.  8/7/11  AM Session: 2-4+ft, Fruit Stands

Time In Water: 2.5hrs
Waves Surfed: 35

Small drop in size, with a big drop in current, light wind and peaky little bowls up and down the beach led to an amazing session.  My new roommate decided to roll with me.  The whole line-up consisted of myself, him and my boy Ryan.   My Roommate way out of surf shape got swept down the beach by the usual current at Fruit Stands.  I found a killer peak all to myself, while my buddy sat a bit north of me and we just ripped the shit out of these fun waves.  It was like a fucking skate park.  Sooo Good.

This has nothing to do with surfing but then again neither did the month of August. I thought this to be an interesting form or birth control. Fuck them stalks and their stupid babies they try and push off on us.

Posted in Surfing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments »

Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner…

October 1, 2011 by clisanti

As of September 21st we concluded the summer quarter of the UCB Season.  This could only mean one thing: the last and final chapter is upon us.  The fall quarter.  The fall quarter will run from this up coming week all the way till the week of December 21st.  At this point it is up in the air who our year end champ will be.  We for the first time ever in the history of the UCB (History, ha its only been happening for like three or four years) have a different champion all three quarters.  That brings us to the task at hand crowning this quarter’s king.

For starters It was a thrilling UCB race this time around.  Thanks to the new Power of Ten Segment and the occasional bonus point incentives things were very close coming down to the wire.  Ultimately it was John Mauriello who takes the cake or in this case the chicken dinner. Actually he is not getting any dinner.  John lived with me last summer and has enjoyed my splendid Lisanti Land meals some which included chicken dinners.  If you check out the Recipe D’Jour section of this blog there are at least four chicken recipes that will allow anyone to cook their own splendid chicken dinner.  John if you want your chicken dinner feel free to find your way down to the Barb and I will gladly slaughter the fated calf, or in this case chicken for you.

The Winner’s Circle:
John Mauriello: 5 points
Nick the Kook: 4 points
Scotty B: 3.5 points
Kooky Kyle: 2.5 points
Nick Kiefer: 1 point

Once again thank you everyone who suggested topics.  I think by far this was one of the most exciting UCB quarters yet and it was my pleasure to write on all the topics suggested.  There were plenty of weeks where I was torn on what to pick.  If you suggested something last quarter that I did not write.  Re-post it this quarter cause I may have lost it in the mix.  Remember its October now so get your Power or Ten lists in before the end of next week.  Its worth double points and as always the first UCB of the quarter is worth 1.5 points. Get to work.  If you have not suggested a topic yet don’t be scared I wont bite although I may publicity ridicule here at surfingruinedmylife.net, but what is life with out a good old fashioned Lisanti vindictiveness for absolutely no reason at all?

Your Champ for the quarter throwing a killer tail free reo. I wonder if he was thinking about UCB topics while pulling this turn?

Posted in User Choice BLog | Tagged | 11 Comments »

“4 Page Letter”, Aaliyah

September 29, 2011 by clisanti

What can I say about Aaliyah?  Another great artist taken from this world far beyond her time.  Killed in a plane crash in 2001 at the tender age of twenty two.  She was a beautiful talented individual whose loss was deeply felt through out the world.  4 Page Letter is off of her album One in a Million.  The song itself really speaks to me.  A few years ago I was working a dead end job at a gas station, where surprisingly I only got paid a buck less an hour to do less then half the amount of work I do now.  Go figure.  But hey being a chef is a respectable job right?  I get paid to cut shit up into different arranged pieces all day and make sure food does not burn in an oven.  Its not all that complicated folks.

Back in the days of the gas station the only channel the radio we had behind the counter would get was the local hip hop one that basically played the same sixty songs on loop.  In the course of eight hours I got to hear everything at least twice, everyday.  You think with all the fucking songs out there in existence we could get some variety on the radio.  Alas the promotional and marking people need to sell, sell, sell!

4 Page Letter was one of those songs that came on at least once a shift and I did not mind at all.  I have written a few of these letters in my life.  Three to be exact.  The movies lead on to believe all you should have to write is one.  I guess I have not figured out how to word one correctly yet.  The first one worked quite well actually, but logistically we were doomed before even getting off the ground.

The second one I deep down inside knew was a lost cause, but did it anyway cause I am a romantic fool like that.  The third I was rather sure of an adverse outcome as well.  Like I always say “you miss 100% of the pitches you don’t swing at”.  My friends one thing you count on when it comes to Chris Lisati is that I will always no matter how bad the odds against me go down swinging.  Hey maybe the forth time will be the charm, or maybe I wont ever have to write a letter at all cause she will just get me as I am.

I think there is something to be said for having the ability to put such emotions down on paper and give it to someone else.  Opening up yourself to so much vulnerability.  I mean once its out there on cold hard paper there is no taking it back.  Your heart and soul put out there.  I have always found love letters to be things off great beauty in any form.  There was a time before phones, internet, text messaging and convenient travel  when all people had were letters.  Sometimes couples would write to one another for months or years with out any other contact then such letters.  Could you imagine how joyous a reunion between those two intertwined souls must have been after months of sharing intimate letters?

While you listen to this song think about that and the power of the written word when it comes straight from the heart.

 

Posted in Groovin' High, Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments »

Chocolate Strawberry Tart

September 28, 2011 by clisanti

Chocolate Strawberry Tart

 mmm…Chocolate and even better Strawberries!!!  I know I have for years put my nose up to baking, but these days I find when I am really stressed out I bake. For whatever reason baking relaxes me.  I think it is because of how much focus it takes to get the recipe correct.  When you cook you can throw a little bit of this and that and save the dish, but when you bake it has to be exact to the umpteenth degree and if you mess up there is no saving it.  It is that level of focus that allows me to take my mind off of whatever problems I am having at that time.

I made this dessert back in mid July to impress a date.  Dinner ended up being so filling, Egg Plant Rollatini with Angel Hair Pasta in my families age old Marinara Sauce with Garlic Bread, that we never made it to dessert, instead moving right on to a nice bottle of Prosecco on the beach while basking in the beautiful lighting of a full moon.  It was quite the spread, although I would later find out from that unappreciative bitch that as she put it “my cooking was trash”.  Whatever (see yesterdays blog The State of Lisanti Land Address all about Whatever).

Anyway this Tart is bound to impress any female you decide to bake it for.  I mean it has a splendid strawberry walnut crust filled with a rich chocolate strawberry filling topped with fresh strawberries.  It’s a girls best friend.  Pair it with a bottle of Moscato D’Asti or a Champagne or Prosecco and you are bound to have a good night.  Maybe that is where I blew it, not taking the tart with me to the beach.  In hindsight I am glad I did not cause that chick was definitely not worth it.  Its rather tasty and somewhat simple to make although a bit time consuming.

Serving Size: 8
Total Cost: $13.75
Prep Time: 1 hr
Bake Time 25 mins
Rest Time: 2 hrs

Ingredient List:

  • Crust
    • All Purpose Flour – 1 cup
    • Sugar – 3 table spoons
    • Salt – ¼ tea spoon
    • Walnuts – 1 ½ oz
    • Unsalted Butter – ½ cup (chilled)
    • Egg Yolk – 2 yolks
    • Strawberry Jam – 1/3 cup
  • Filling
    • Whipping Cream – ¾ cup plus 2 table spoons
    • Semisweet Chocolate – 6 oz (chopped)
    • Strawberry Jam – 1/3 cup
    • Strawberries – 2x 1 pt basket (hulled and halfed)

 Step 1: Mix ingredients for your crust: In a food processor mince walnuts till they are a sand like composure.  In a large mixing bowl combine flour, sugar, salt and processed walnuts.  Add in butter.  Make sure to break the butter up into tiny pieces before addition to the mixture.  Mix by hand or with an electric mixer (I used an electric mixer) till it resembles a coarse meal.  Add Yolks and Strawberry Jam and mix until moist clumps form. Gather dough into a ball and flatten into a disk.  Wrap in plastic wrap and chill in refrigerator for 30 minutes.

Your meal like conformity of dry ingredients and butter.

Your rough dough after adding jam and egg yolks

Your dough disk pre-cooling

Step 2: Form Crust: Preheat Oven to 375 degrees F.  Butter a 9” diameter pan with removable bottom if possible, you can use a fixed bottom pan if it is all you have, I did.  Roll out your chilled dough between two sheets of wax paper to around an 11” diameter.  Remove top sheet of wax paper. Turn you dough upside down so that the wax paper on the bottom is now on the top and firmly press it inside the pan till it fits snug.  Remove paper and trim the edges of your crust so that it just comes over the pan.  Fold edges  just over the top of pan.  Freeze crust for 15 minutes.  Bake 25 minutes or till golden brown.  Spread another 1/3 cup of Jam over the crust and bake another 4 minutes till jam sets. Remove from oven and allow to cool at room temperature.

Crust pre-baking

Step 3: Make Filling: Heat cream in heavy small saucepan on a medium flame until bubbles appear around edge of pot.  Remove from flame and add chocolate.  Stir till completely melted and blended with cream.  Cool until mixture is beginning to thicken, stirring occasionally.  It should still be pourable, probably around 40 to 50 minutes.  Pour Chocolate filling into crust. Refrigerate for at least two hours till filling solidifies.

Chocolate filling poured into my very sad looking crust. I suck at crusts still, but they are getting better.

Step 4: Arrange Strawberries: Cut the tops off of all berries and then half them.  This can be down while you wait for step three to finish.  Arrange on top of tart as shown in the picture or whatever way your little heart desires.  Enjoy.

Now Tell me that does not look to die for. Still think this wont get you laid?

Just in case you were wondering what the Lisanti Land kitchen where all of these master pieces get cooked up in looked like here it is. Pretty gnarly huh?

 

Posted in Recipe D'Jour | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

The State of Lisanti Land Address

September 27, 2011 by clisanti

Enough said.

Well kiddies out there in Cyber Lisanti Land, (the physical Lisanti Land exists in Santa Barbara California, Cyber Lisanti Land on the other hand is everything that SurfingRuinedMyLife.net encompasses) I thought it would be a good time to bring you up to speed on just what has been going on here.  September has been a rather slow blog month and for that I apologize.  Ok, you got me I really don’t give a fuck at all.

What have I been up to you ask?  Drinking for one thing.  That’s right I’m back on the bottle.  I gave that good citizen God loving crap a try for a few months.  I tried to tell myself I was happy and that if I prayed to Jesus all would be better.  Guess what I’m not happy, well err let me rephrase that.  I am happy.  I mean shit I’m going on five straight days of Rincon and tomorrow will make six See Surf Log.

Happiness is one of those things that just may be a crock of shit only to be enjoyed by those of a lower mental plane.  Intelligent people know too much to just believe in blind happiness.  I would like to quote Aldous Huxley, from his novel Brave New World (yes my Jersey friends its not just a bull shit sell out chain of surf shops).

“Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over compensations for misery. And of course stability isn’t nearly so spectacular as instability.  And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt.  Happiness is never grand.”

So if being happy means being completely bored out of my skull then no thank you I will take misery.  Besides isn’t it all the adversity, mostly self brought upon, I face in my everyday life that makes surfingruinedmylife.net such a fun place to visit?

You bet your ass it does.  When things are going shitty for me my hits here are always through the roof.  I write a few blogs about how nice and happy everything is and I’m lucky if I get 15 hits.  Misery loves company folks.  We are in this bullshit life together.  Whatever the case I am still going to make the most out of it I possibly can.

I live on that “grand” scale so to speak.  Not to float my own boat (wait I have my own website devoted to doing just that) but that is exactly what my life is: GRAND!  I don’t think I would want it any other way.  I have tried that mellow settled down crap and it just is not me.  I think I am only happy when constantly faced with adversity.  So be it. I suppose that is my plight in this life.  Don’t cry for me Argentina. I’m not sitting here playing the world’s smallest violin.

Back on the God thing for a moment, I have nothing wrong with organized religion and everyone was super nice to me there.  I was bored to tears when I attempted to live like that and truthfully after some long hard cogitation I just could not come up with a decent reason to believe.  I believe in myself and the power I possess with in to make the best decisions in my life for me.  No book written a thousand times over is going to tell me how to live.  If those are your beliefs I do not think any less of you and wish you the best, but I am going back to my agnostic self.  (see “Finding err…God” for more about my recent conversion)

I am not going to sit back and blindly believe that there is some master divine plan out there for me.  I will make my own plan thank you.  Now that I am back on track with my hedonistic egocentrism let me just say the adventures have been numerous.  Some I have told, some I have forgotten, some I did not wish to tell at this time and others are for my own personal vault.

Work started up back at Westmont again.  I was promoted to dinner cook II meaning I get to work with a variety of recipes on a daily recipe and has boosted my erudition of culinary technique through the roof.  I learn more there in one day then I have learned in a semester at school.  I thought with my promotion may have come a raise.  Instead I got twice the responsibility with the same old pay.  Maybe next time around, nonetheless I love my job and next to surfing is the second happiest place I find these days.

School is school.  I am super unmotivated, but I know it is a means to an end.  I have a new goal in life and that is to be able to some day afford life with out a roommate.  I think it is rather feasible.  Upon getting out of school hopefully I can get a decent job running my own kitchen for $20 plus an hour.  I have given up on long term plans.  For now I am just focusing on finishing school and becoming the best damn chef I can.

I have decided that 2011 is going down in the history of Lisanti Land books as the year of WHATEVER!  That’s right, I just don’t give a fuck anymore about anything.  Its been a rather tough year for me and how I am still alive is beyond me.  I definitely acquired a few more wrinkles on my brow from all the pain.  My boy Ryan says all I have went through is good cause it builds character.  I feel like I have enough character.  Shoots, I could fill the backgrounds of like six different characters.

Whatever, I don’t give a fuck.  I have also come to the conclusion that I am an emotional masochist, only happy when I am pining over a member of the opposite sex.  So far I have not gotten that right and at this point most likely never will.  Look for some blogs about this coming soon.  I promise you they will be worth the wait.

Currently there is one woman in my life.  She seems to find great pleasure in the persecution me emotionally every chance she gets.  Every time I tell myself I am finished with her bilge she pulls me back in.  Then again that is why I am crazy.  Insanity: doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.  I love her just the same and will take her prodding as long as necessary to either bring her to me or push her away for good.  Maybe that is what love is all about, wanting to be with someone despite their treatment of you.  I know there is so much good inside her, even if she does not see it of herself.

Between the girl, work, school, surfing, drinking at the Wild Cat and all the other preposterousness that goes on I have not been left with all that much time to write.  2011 is the year of WHATEVER.  I promise in 2012 I will try again at life.  For the next three months please no pity emails, interventions, “Chris we care about you and think you are wasting your potential” messages.  Let me do whatever the fuck I want and if I make it to 2012 I promise to do something constructive in the new year.

This is me turning my back on life for the next three months. It kind of looks like Field of Dreams except I am walking into the vines in stead of corn. That's because I find no pleasure in drinking corn syrup.

Even Alfie is over it.

 

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Life, News From Lisanti Land, Surfing | Tagged , , , , , | 7 Comments »

When Lightning Strikes

September 24, 2011 by clisanti

Kooky Kyle takes the cake on the last UCB of the quarter with the topic “lightning”.  Him and I were actually discussing this topic while cruising around the streets of NYC on my most recent jaunt back east (see blog: A Trip Back East for those deatails). Out of all of my friends he was the only one to come see my performance in the East Village and for that I was rather stoked.  He had never heard me play before and I think was left a bit awestruck good or bad I do not know.  He gets one point for his efforts.  Sorry Kooky no double points for you.

I have two interesting stories to tell about lightning and although rather far fetched I can vouch for both and actually have witnesses for both.  When it comes to something as crazy as lightning anything is possible.  A fellow psychotic die hard surfer gave me some wise advice when I was a teen “There are two things you should never mess with, sharks and lightning”.  I have yet to heed his warning.  I fuck with both.  Surfing in some of the most shark infested water to surfing through full on lightning storms.  That brings us to our first story.

The Flaming Barrel

 About seven years ago or so I was out surfing in front of the Lost Castle (nickname given to my run down beach bungalow I lived in on 2nd Ave, Manasquan, NJ.  Currently we call my abode in Santa Barbara the Lisanti Palace although it is far from a palace and more like a run down crack house.).  It was mid August and the surf had been down for nearly two weeks.  We finally got an inkling of a tropical swell with a very short window.  I am talking hours here.

Conditions were trash with heavy onshore winds thanks to the extremely hot weather.  In the summer NJ on such days as a result of all the humidity is garnished with intense thunderstorms.  The storms bring a good deal of thunder and lightning. They also bring offshore winds with them.  The catch is the offshore winds usually only last while the storm is hitting.  This makes for perfect yet dangerous surfing conditions.

We like to call these surf sessions, electric sessions for obvious reasons.  My buddy Sorbo and I had paddled out at Sea Watch beach and were making the most of the crowded chest high blown to shit conditions.  As we are sitting out there we noticed the ominous black clouds on the horizon, which could only mean one thing, bad weather.  As always when adverse weather arrives on the beach there is a mass exodus of fleeing beach goers to escape the rain and lightning.

The storm cleared the line up and the wind began to pick up turning absolute garbage into perfect little cylinders.  Immediately we found ourselves getting shacked off our ass.  Then it started to rain, torrential down pour.  It was raining so hard it made it hard to see.  Still using my surf senses I was grabbing good tube after good tube.  The lightning started and we could tell this was not going to be one of these thunderstorms where the lightning stayed up in the clouds or hit far away.

Sorbo and I could see it hitting all around us and at one point even felt the heat from the strokes.  At this point we thought of leaving, but my justification for staying out was that it was most likely more dangerous to get out and run up the beach for cover.  Lightning loves to get people on the beach. Sorbo was a tough sale, but I told him I read it somewhere.  Rule of thumb when attempting to convince a person on anything tell them “you read it somewhere or saw it on the news”.  Nine times out of ten they will take your word for it.

Right after we made the decision to stay and surf I ended up snagging a solid head high bowl and backed doored the thing.  While in the barrel all I could see was yellow and orange and it was hot in there.  Then I came out and there was a huge crash of thunder.  I was all disoriented and Sorbo was sitting on the shoulder with a crazed look in his eyes.  According to his account a bolt of lightning hit the wave as I pulled in and all he saw was a bright flash of light and then me coming out of the barrel.

I believe that because I was in the tube the voltage went all around me with the water but never touched me.  I came out griming with no idea what happened or how close I had come to be fried.  Shortly after the storm cleared, the wind went back onshore and the crowd showed back up.  By far it was one of the strangest surfing experiences I have ever had.

The Circle of Death

It was the summer of 2002, mid August. Like I said that is peak thunderstorm season.  A group of my close friends, including my old roommate Cory, Mookie, CH, Brian M. and a few others were helping out with this free one day surf clinic at Manasquan Inlet courtesy of Quicksilver.  This was before all the surf camp mambo jumbo of today.  I was working at Ocean Hut Surf Shop at the time and was let out early to go represent the shop as another instructor.  I got there just as the thunderstorm was beginning to roll in and everyone scurrying off the beach for their lives.

I was standing under this cabana type thing they have up on the ocean walk there (Manasquan does not have a board walk, but an asphalt paved walk way along its beach front) slyly filling my pockets with Quicksilver promo gear.  I heard one of the loudest crashes of thunder I have ever auscultated in my entire life.  Upon looking up I saw all of my friends lying on their backs on the beach.

I wanted to go running to their aid, but then checked myself.   The lightning was not letting up and if they got hit they were probably dead anyway and I was not nearly qualified to give the kind of aid they would have needed for survival anyhow.  I stood there momentarily horrified.  Then one by one they began to get up and stagger back to the cabana.  As it turns out a bolt of lightning struck the sand directly in front of them and the whole group was brought down by the excess shock. Cory claims it was one of the scariest moments of his life.  All I can say is it was nuts to witness.

Posted in Surfing, User Choice BLog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

The Power of Ten: September

September 22, 2011 by clisanti

Well everyone this week marks the last week of the summer quarter of the UCB.  The 21st has come and gone and like summer so has this quarter.  I must say it has been a rather dicey one and I have no idea at the moment who will win.  Before I tally up the points and claim a champion I first want to write September’s Power of Ten Blog, worth two points and there will be one more UCB blog written this week that will also be included for the Summer quarter.  Mauriello wins this months power of ten and earns two UCB points.  Here is his list.

1.  Asian Girls  – I have never dated an Asian girl.  I think it is because I am politically incorrect and call them Orientals.  In all seriousness I rarely find one that turns me on.  It is funny too cause most guys I talk to are all about the tiny Asian chicas.  I guess it is the en-vogue thing right now.  I did meet a guy from Korea at the bar once who after watching the girl I was with disrespect me multiple times before going home with some other guy all together (Santa Barbara Girls just exude class) told me I should meet an Asian girl fresh off the boat and she would treat me right.  There is this cashier at Albertsons, whom I have been friends with for years.  She is Chinese and although not a real looker I bet she would make a good wife.  I mean she works like 60 hours a week so I know she has good work ethic.  I should propose to her.  I figure it can’t be any worse then the women I spend my time with these days.

2.  Aiming While Peeing – For starters I have the worst aim ever when it comes to hitting the bowl.  When I am sober I have a 50/50 chance.  When I am drunk those stats drop considerably.  What that means is I clean a ton of piss off my bathroom floor.  I find it astounding that I am so challenged at a seemingly futile task.  I mean I am only 5’9 and I have a gargantuan penis leaving not all that much distance to cover.  I tried to write my name in the snow once and just ended up pissing all over myself.

3.  Shaving – I know I wrote an entire blog about this back in like 2006.  If someone goes back to the myspace site and finds it I will give you two UCB points.  Post the blog in the comments of this blog.  Anyhow I hate shaving and am terrible at it.  Like that peeing thing its just not something I have a finesse for.  I cut myself every other time I shave and my face hurts like hell afterwards.  I have tried those electric razors, but I am Italian and it does not get close enough leaving me with a five O’clock shadow only a few hours later.  I used to rock a beard for a while but I got tired of the Jesus/homeless/terrorists gags.  Maybe I should get electrolysis for my entire face.

4. Micheal Jackson – I love Jack-o even if at times he was a little wack-o.  His music was tight and his eccentricities entertaining.  I am very sorry he died his untimely death yet it might have been better for him to leave a world in which he was misunderstood.  I still do not believe he molested any children.  Well maybe just the British children.  Then again not even George Washington saved them.

5.  Emma Wood – Emma Wood is a shitty beach/reef break in Northern Ventura County.  Its a bowly punchy wave that is glorified shore break at best.  That being said it has become the epicenter of high performance surfing in the (805) and on any given day a host of local pros, groms, up and comers, rippers and has beens will be out battling for shitty little peaks.  One thing for sure it is one of the more consistent waves in the area, handles most swell directions and a wave can be found there over 300 days a year.  Also its a great wave to shoot photos on thanks to it’s proximity to the beach and is one of the few spots around here where you can watch the action from your car while smoking a bowl and chugging a brew.

6.  Disney Movies – I have to say I am a not a fan at all.  Some of the older stuff from the sixties are not horrible but overall you can take that G rated family shit and shove it up your ass.  I will raise my children on mafia movies like Casino and Scarface.  No sense making them grow up in a fantasy world only to find out what a cold relentless place it is later.  If I had to pick one I would go with Aladdin.  Jasmine had a nice rack and I would have titty fucked the shit out of her, then bent her over the bed and got her from behind.

7.  Teaching Dogs Tricks –  As far as I am concerned outside of herding dogs, seeing eye dogs and bomb squad dogs they are more trouble then they are worth.  I don’t care if they roll over, play dead or shake my hand.  You want a real trick, shit in the toilet, do not chew up the furniture and don’t eat shit that will make you puke.  Those are tricks I would want my fictitious dog to learn.  Movie dogs are ok too for entertainment value.  While we are on the subject I hate when people dress up their dogs.  It really makes me mad.

8.  Surf Board Quivers –  Been there, done that, wrote that.

9. Ice Sculptures –  I had a friend who did ice sculptures for a living a few years back.  The guy was crazy talented at it.  I always thought it would be really frustrating to spend all that time on something you knew was going to melt in a few hours for some stupid party for unappreciative rich people.  I would rather turn that block of ice into a liquor luge and have a real good time.

10.  Forrest Gump – On one hand I find Forrest Gump to be a rather powerful yet some what far fetched film.  On the other I get really pissed off to think that a fucking retard could do some much more in his life then I ever will.  Fuck him, his box of chocolates and Lieutenant Dan.  Jenny was a babe.  Too bad she was all messed up in the head like ever other bitch out there to realize what a good man she had. Sorry folks I am a little bitter this week.

Tell me that is not a cartoon you would not be all over?

I will take a mail order Asian.

Jack-o you are missed.

Emma Wood, an oldie but a goodie.

Posted in Life, Music, Surfing, User Choice BLog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Resourceful Weaponry

September 16, 2011 by clisanti

A few months back some one asked who posted the most worthwhile topics to the UCB.  Well my friends I have to say if it’s not Scotty B then he is definitely in the top three.  Up until his recent suggestion today in my slump of eternal non-motivation nothing really got my fingers in gear on the keyboard.  Luckily Bees came through with a topic might I add that was so great it got me off my ass this very minute.  He asked plain and simply “What is your favorite choice of weapon that is not actually a weapon at all”.

 

I have a few favorites that I would turn to when in a situation where nothing else would do.  Here goes:

 

The Proverbial Prison Shank

 

This is the one weapon everyone should know how to make and use.  Face it, no matter how good of a person one is, he never knows when he may find himself incarcerated.  I once saw this Tom Selleck Movie call An Innocent Man (this was back when I was hooked on late night network television movies.  All I can say is they run some pretty strange ass shit on television at 2am, not to mention the amount of commercial breaks is obscene. Late night television is definitely a whole other blog all together.).  In the film Selleck is minding his own business when these two crooked cops show up at his house instead of the one next door to make a drug bust.  Selleck comes out of the bathroom with a hair dryer.  The cops mistakenly take it for a gun and shoot him.

 

To cover their ass the cops frame Selleck and he goes to prison for five years.  Basically to survive not getting raped in jail he as to shank the biggest meanest black guy there. After getting released from prison he goes and gets revenge on the cops.  It’s got all my favorite elements in a film, revenge, prison and of course Tom Selleck and his bad ass mustache.  I highly recommend checking the movie out.

 

After seeing that movie I decided that would for sure be my prison anal violation survival plan, shank the biggest gnarliest black guy there.  Now in the film Selleck makes his out of a piece of plastic he sharpened while on laundry detail.  As for me I think I will lean towards sharpening my toothbrush.  Remember the key is to break the end off so that there are no fingerprints tracing you back to the murder.  There is nothing worse then having to do another twenty to life, when you should be rewarded for sending a scum of the earth like that into the ground.  Hey, what do I know?  For one thing I just told you how to not get raped in prison.

 

2×4 with Rusty Nails Sticking Out the End

 

Have you ever been hit by a 2×4?  I have and it fucking hurts. Not only is it a contact weapon, but a 2×4 has a little give and flexibility in it thus creating a whip like thrashing.  Add in some rusty nails at the tip and you have a make shift home made mace that will not only slice up your antagonist, but possibly cause them to contract tetanus.  That’s no laughing matter.  Tetanus sucks, once contracted the victim gets lock jaw, swallows his tongue and dies a pretty miserable death.  At the very least he will have to get a tetanus shot and those little fuckers hurt like hell.  Do they really have to inject it right into your bicep?  Last time I got one it hurt for days.  Last word on the 2×4, if it happens to break in half on your opponent you can use the remaining piece as a stake, which may come in handy if the opposition turns out to be vampire.

 

Tire Iron

 

A tire iron is the ultimate weapon when you need something on the fly.  First off if you drive a car then you’re almost always bound to have one available.  Second they are heavy as fuck, adjustable in size, can be used as both a stabbing and bashing device and in most cases can be accurately thrown as well.  In my case cause of the amount of moisture in my trunk thanks to my surfing problem my tire iron is rusty as well and I do believe you just read in the previous item the advantage to rust besides being used to coax Salad Fingers into a lock box.  Final thought on this one.  Its pretty bad ass to say you beat someone with a tire iron.

 

Baseball Bat, Golf Club, Bike Chain with Lock

 

I lumped these three together because in my opinion they are all pretty standard go to weapons in people’s homes that are picked up when self defense is a necessity.  Baseball bats are great weapons.  Metal or graphite do tons of serious damage when wielded correctly and a wood bat if broken over your adversary once again becomes a stake, which also by the way is a great stabbing device.  A golf club is pretty self explanatory, I mean the word “club” is in the name.  My sister hit me with a bike chain straight across the back once in the garage because I was making fun of her.  I can tell you first hand it fucking hurt and left welts on my back for days.

 

Sock Full of Pennies

 

Finally we get to my favorite of the entire ghetto rigged weapons, the sock full of pennies.  It’s the reason “everyone should have a reverse peep hole on their door” (where is that quote from? First person to get it right with the person who said it gets an extra UCB point, half point for either one).  Think about this for a moment. You take a long tube sock and fill it a third of the way with pennies, knot it off at the top of the pennies and go town on your enemy swinging like a banshee.  We are talking black eyes, broken bones, bashed in skull, the works.  It’s easily concealed in your pocket.  When all is said and done burn the sock and spend the pennies, no more evidence.

Ok, this is more of a bum shank then a prison shank.

She may look tough with her wrench, but give me a sock full of pennies and my rusted nail 2x4 and its on.

Posted in Anger, User Choice BLog | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »