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Lets Learn All About the Lurk!!!! :(

Posted in Anger, Deep Thoughts, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2011| 4 Comments »

Well this morning we have a very special UCB for all you little kiddies out there in cyber world.  John Mauriello wins this week or I guess it really should have been last week, but I dont really give a fuck cause its my shitty ass blog and I will do what I want to.  Anyway he asked about my new found passion for lurking.  Sure he posted it about a month ago, but it was very appropriate to the situation.  If this is a bit incoherent it is because I have a little bit of the bad medicine in me (rum).

I think first off I will start with the dictionary meaning for lurking and it reads as such: ” to lie or wait in concealment, as a person in ambush; remain in or around a place secretly or furtively”.  If that is what dictionary lurking is let me explain what Lisanti lurking is. Its really grand and super classy.  It also follows the same principles as the above definition.

Lurking is the derogatory name I deem to going out to the bar, club, party or any place for that matter with the sole purpose to pick up a chick and fuck her.  After which you will never see her again and most likely never even have gotten her name.  Don’t you know that is the best way to interact with your fellow humans of the opposite sex, especially ones you should be looking to pair up with and spend the rest of your life with.  At least in the animal kingdom the male just flat out rapes the female and gets it over with.

No, as humans we find ourselves more then superior to our four legged foes.  Instead we use our cunning intelligence to out smart the female using a combination of looks, intelligence and of course alcohol to achieve such desired results.  In all respect the female does the same.  Fuck she is probably a more ruthless predator then a man.  At least men are for the most part obvious about their intentions.  Women on the other hand act all innocent, nice and decent.  Then once you give them your heart they turn around and fuck you over.  That is because every last one of them is nothing more then a filthy stinking whore.  Fellow males out there if you have a girlfriend, fiance,  or wife and think she is happy guess again.  If she has not fucked some guy behind your back yet, well she probably will later.  Especially if you treat her well.

Here is how a lurk works.  I get dressed up in my best cloths and I go out to the bar.  Immediately upon entering I case the place out to see what talent lies with in.  Then I figure out the game plan that will work best for me to prey on some unsuspecting female counter part.  End goal: to get her back to my place where I can hopefully objectify her by fucking the shit out her all night with out ever getting her name or caring to learn a thing about her. If I can get her out of my house in time for a mid day surf  and never see or hear from her again even better.

How is that achieved, by saying and doing whatever it takes to make it happen.  Your kind of a con-artist.  If you have a good wing man then you most likely have an entire repertoire down.  It is like when lions hunt they pick out the weakest zebra in the heard coax it out and then nab it.  When you lurk you find your mark and basically do the same with out the eating alive part, unless your some kind of psycho killer.

Yeah I claim to be a gentleman, but I guess that is a load of bull shit!  I’m just a mother fucking scum bag like every one else out there trying to get mine before it gets me.  Except there is one catch I don’t lurk anymore.  I cant lurk anymore.  As a matter of fact it makes me nauseous even to think about such a thing.  I find that to be a funny fact because I used to thrive on such an act.

No, I think I’m fucking done.  I had my time and it passed.  I don’t want to lurk.  I don’t want to drink.  I don’t want to feel terrible anymore.  I’m tired and I wish my time here would end.  For some reason I cant die.  Believe me I have tried and wished, but here I am still breathing air.  I can not take my own life cause that would be too simple, but why cant I have peace?  Do I not deserve serenity.   I am exasperated with jumping through hoops.  Maybe I will just move up into the pacific northwest in the hills and become a recluse.

I have had everything I could ever have wanted in life already.  Then I lost it.  I don’t want anything else.  Why can’t you see how wrong this life is that you created for us.  I know your not happy. Stop lying to yourself and be what you always told me you were. My faith in humanity was small when I met you and now after it has diminished even more.  Fuck everyone.  I’m over  all of you and your shit.  Stop laughing at me cause its not funny.  It never has been.  While you laugh I cry.  Thats how its been my whole life.

What the fuck more do you want from me?  What more do I have to prove? How much more suffering should I have to endure?

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The Dance Off

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2011| 9 Comments »

This week’s UCB or last weeks actually considering I did not get a chance to write it till now, makes a winner of Nick the Kook.  He asked that I write a tale about him.  Now there are literally hundreds of stupid Nick the Kook stories in the Lisanti memory bank.  Besides the fact that you can almost count on Nick doing something completely stupid eight out of ten times, but the guy spent probably more time with me then I spent with my ex-wife circa 2003-2007.

 

The kid hung around the surf shop all day long 7 days a week when I worked there, usually surfed with me after, then went skating with me that night.  We even started traveling together.  Kook and I have racked up a ridiculous amount of friend hours and I would have to say a retarded story would take place involving one or both of us 95% of the time.

 

When asked to pick a story its not very easy.  I mean I could write an entire segment, maybe start a new blog even about the adventures of Chris Lisanti and Nick the Kook.  There are that many and since we still get together from time to time there are more to come.   For this blog I thought I would tell the tale of a Cinco de Mayo party, a bottle of Agave and an incident of ill treatment to a piñata.  Yeah you’re going to want to keep on reading for this one.  I know I did not want to tell negative stories here anymore, but if a story of my own stupidity and immaturity deters at least one person from drinking too much then it was worth the humiliation.

 

For a span of three years I was on this wild house party kick.  In New Jersey that is the staple for most alcoholism especially in the winter months.  I guess this took place around 2007.  I could be wrong on the exact date so if anyone out there remembers feel free to correct me in the comments.  My good friend Nick Kiefer one of the most talented graphic artists/photographers I know, now turned hipster musician was throwing a Cinco De Mayo party at his parents house.

 

Now when I roll up to a party I also come with an entourage, rapper style.  This was actually the very end of my house party days thus I was rolling lighter then usual with just Nick the Kook, Sindia and myself.  I also brought along in proper fashion for the occasion a bottle of Mexican Agave (which is like 80 proof) a gift provided by my parents from a recent trip to Mexico.

 

Upon entry I open the Agave and it is shots all around till the bottle was cooked.  Let me mention that Kiefer’s parents were in attendance at this party and had some friends of their own at there as well.  Now Agave for those of you who don’t know is the sugar component put into tequila.  I think by now most of you know what happens to me when tequila is involved, I get crazy.  Well Agave has an even higher sugar content meaning an even nuttier Lisanti.

 

After four shots I was feeling pretty good, and ready to take the party up to high gear.  At this point it may have been about ten at night.  Kook and I decided to get people dancing in the living room.  I think Kiefer’s sister and maybe two of her friends and Sindia briefly humored us.  Shortly after it went from a dance circle to a drunken Nick the Kook vs Lisanti dance off, which basically ended in Kiefer’s parents big screen television nearly falling over crushing the both of us and ruining the set.  Luckily Sindia stepped in being the responsible one and put a stop to our stupidity.  Literally we looked like complete buffoons failing around at a lame attempt of a break dance off.

 

From there I am pretty sure I ran around the house making imbecilic, incoherent conversation with random people while chugging way too many beers.  Sindia was embarrassed, Kiefer was sorry he invited me and I am pretty sure his parents contemplated calling the police on more then one instance that night.  The Kook tried to get with Kiefer’s now ex-girl friend (not from that event) and as a result was never allowed over Kiefer’s house again.  I’m not certain but I think he also tried to get with Nick’s younger sister and mom as well.

 

We were a pair of real classy guys him and I.  Finally the night ended with the unveiling of this sombrero piñata.  Nothing makes a drunken Cinco de Mayo party better then smashing a piñata except I think the only people drunk there were the Kook and I.  A few people got their hits in on it and then it was my turn.  Now why anyone at my level of intoxication would have been handed a wiffle ball bat and blind folded is beyond me, but that is exactly what happened.

 

I came out swinging like a mad man but was way to inebriated to even come close to hitting the thing.  I am pretty sure I fell over in the process also.  Angry and a bit humiliated I ripped the piñata off the ceiling and smashed it against the wall.  Candy fell out all over the place and then I slipped and fell on top of it all, smashing most of it under my body.

 

Ten minutes later I found myself throwing up all over Kiefer’s bathroom, followed by the front lawn and the entire car ride home, while Sindia drove.  We left Kook behind who as I stated earlier perpetuated the losing task of attempting to get with any lady left at the party.  I got home, fell out of the passenger seat of the car and passed out in the marshland besides my house.  Sindia left me there, pay back for the embarrassing evening and leaving her in the backyard a year ago when she got embarrassingly drunk.

 

The funny thing is I used to be proud of this story.  I thought it was a really winner to earn me browning points with others.  I always thought when I told it people were laughing with me, well I finally know now they were merely just laughing at me like I was some type of circus clown.  Part of me still thinks partying hard is a ton of fun, until I sit down and read what I write.  Then I realize all I am doing is making a fool of myself.  “He who walks in the darkness does not know where he goes” John 12:35.

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A New Normal: The One Year Plan

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Life, News From Lisanti Land, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2011| 7 Comments »

This weeks UCB brings Kooky Kyle back into the victory circle.  Back in September when my life was in order I wrote a UCB entitled the Ten Year Plan where I pretty much wrote both a very real and then a dream plan to be accomplished by the time I was forty.  You can click the link above if you missed it or just plain want to refresh your memory.

Since then things have changed quite a bit and I have found my life in utter shambles.  Adrienne finally moved out this past Saturday.  I would be lying if all of me had not wanted to drop to my knees and pleaded with her to stay.  Of course that was out of the question for both my own personal respect and the sake of her and my mental health.  I don’t really know whether our split is a break or a break up.  All I know is that it was necessary.

I’m pretty torn up over the whole thing and miss her to death.  Looking back now I realize there was just too much drama between us to fix at the moment.  Maybe in time if it was meant to be the two of us will be drawn back in to one another.  That is a long shot and one I need to put out of my head for the moment.

In the movie “Food Inc” there is this lady who has a segment in the film in which she speaks about the loss of her six year old son to ecoli bacteria. She said she had to establish a “new normal” since with out her son alive her life could never be the same again.  My despair of losing a lover absolutely does not even come close to the loss of a child, but that idea of establishing a new normal is exactly what I have to do.

Right now the immediate goal is to force myself to get out of bed every morning and stay out of it till night.  This may seem like an easy task, but when you feel crushed like I do it is very hard.  Alfie gets me up to feed him around 7am every morning but after that it’s back under the covers for me.  I try to pry myself out of bed by 9am and go for surf.  Eat a little breakfast (that’s right I am finally eating again at least) and keep myself occupied for the rest of the day.

Aflie mopes around the apartment all day long making this horrid meow that sounds like a mix between a moan and a screech and when he is not doing that he lays flat on my dresser hanging his head off the edge all pathetic looking.  I guess he is taking it harder then me.   In all actuality I was prepared a bit for what was coming, but poor Alfie knew nothing of it.  One minute Ade’s was here and the next gone for no rhyme nor reason as far as he was concerned.  He barely made it through the loss of Sindia.  Hopefully he will get over Adrienne as he sits on my lap as I write this with the most pathetic look on his face.

Attempting to establish this new normal is a bit hard at the moment considering I am also teetering on the brink of financial ruin.  Adrienne’s departure from my apartment and life came at short notice and a tough renting season up here on the Mesa.  With both City College and UCSB out for the summer there are an abundance of rooms for rent out there and not too many potential renters.  As of June 1st with a few bites but no concrete commitments it looks like I am going to be out a huge chunk of change.

Upon further inspection of the state of my bank account I determined that I spent way too much money in the attempt to woo Ades back.  As it turns out I burned through all my auxiliary funds leaving me with just enough to cover the whole rent on my apartment if (which at this point seems to be the harsh reality) I cannot find a roommate by the first.  If you live in Santa Barbara and happen to know someone looking for a place I have a really nice room in a great apartment available immediately, check it out here: http://santabarbara.craigslist.org/roo/2409336577.html

 

Currently I am unemployed till September with just a small amount of income being rendered from unemployment.  At the moment I don’t even have enough money to eat.  There is nothing worse then when your cupboards are bare.  Things are beginning to look a bit on the grim side for me at the moment.  At this point I am applying for any position I can find to get my hands on some cash and tomorrow will attempt to sell the majority of my quiver on craigslist.com for a fraction of what its worth.

Just think eight weeks ago I was on top of the world feeling strong with a firm future.  Now I may be homeless in 60 days watching my car get repossessed. Don’t worry this is all worst case scenario stuff.  I am sure some good fortune will come my way.  On the other hand my immediate survival problems trump my emotional turmoil.

If I get all this handled in the next few days then I can go back to establishing my new normal.  As far as a one year plan goes its up in the air right now.  I am going to continue with culinary school and keep working at Westmont.  I want to get back into music.  Ever since all this bull shit started I have been shredding on the saxophones again.

Over the summer I have a few little projects I want to get done.  One in particular is to finish the coffee table (see coffee table link at the top of the blog for more about that).  I want to grow my vegetable garden and work on me as a person.  At the moment I have been pursuing my spiritual side at this church call the Mansion here in Santa Barbara devoted to lost souls finding their way back to God.

So far everyone there has been really wonderful to me and are like a second family.  They all go out of their way to invite me things, make me feel like I belong and help me strive to be the great person I want to be.  Pursuance of my new faith is a serious goal over the upcoming year.  Mainly I need to regroup, rebuild myself and find out who I am again.  When you’re with someone as long as I was with Adrienne that person becomes a part of you and you a part of her.  When that person is taken from your life it is like losing an appendage.  Now I have to be strong and stand on my own two feet again.

This may be my new home very shortly. Alfie is not there because I most likely had to eat him to survive.

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Gimmie the Loot

Posted in Deep Thoughts, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , on May 21, 2011| Leave a Comment »

This week’s UCB makes a winner of John Mauriello with the topic “Money”.  Although I feel like this is one that has been covered before I have no concrete recollection of it making perfect grounds for a revisit.  He gets one point for his efforts.

I hate money with a passion.  Unfortunately it is one of the necessary evils for survival in this world.  I have seen it cause misery and wreak havoc in my own life and the lives of others.  Growing up I was obsessed with money.   I could not get enough of it.  I would do chores around the house, work all sorts of odd jobs.

Money was a way for me to get things that I wanted.  As a result I never properly learned how to manage my money either.  As a kid I spent it as fast as I had it and when I became an adult the same held true.  Then somewhere along the road I realized the money was just another shackle put on our ankles by society.  I learned how to live on as little as possible and get as much as possible out of it.

Now I look at money purely as a means of survival.  Sure I have dreams about being a baler, wearing expensive cloths, driving luxury cars and having a house on the hill.  I don’t think I know to many people who don’t.  These days my ideas of money have become a bit more realistic and my goals concerning it as well.  Now I only shoot for obtaining as much money as it takes to live comfortably and not have to always worry about getting my bills paid.

I have learned to live within my means to some extent not that it is an easy feat here in Santa Barbara where the cost of living exceeds the mean salary by triple.  I guess that is the price we pay to live in paradise and I would not have it any other way.

My biggest problem with money is how it is used as a method to value people.  Look at minimum wage for example.  Is anyone person really only worth $7.25 an hour?  I sure hope not, but that is what one must degrade himself to in order to survive.  It was not long ago I had an audition for a grill position at a restaurant here in town.  The owner was impressed with my skills and offered me the job but only wanted to pay me $10 for it.

I valued my skills a little higher then that wage and by accepting such degrading of a wage I would have devalued the position and the profession of a cook.  The fact of the matter is it is a skilled job needed to be worked by a skilled individual who should be worth a little more then I got paid to sit on my ass at the gas station doing monkey work.

That is how America and capitalism work.  The person in advantage can take advantage and the person at a disadvantage must accept his fate.  I hate money.  I hate what it does to us.  I hate that it has become the only motivating force in our society.  Instead of an individual striving to the best he or she can possibly accomplish the only concern is how much am I going to get paid for it.

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The Best Part of Surfing is the Parking Lot

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2011| 1 Comment »

This Week’s UCB, the first one of the Spring Quarter was won by Nick the Kook.  He will claim 3 points since I promised that I would double the first blog.  Don’t worry though every week from here till the end of the quarter there will be a double point bonus floating UCB if a topic worthy of such accolade is asked.  There are plenty of opportunities to take the lead.

Kook asked me to write about my favorite parking lot story.  Now this at first did not make sense to me.  Initially I thought maybe he wanted a story about me in a parking lot, sort of like that Sienfeld episode where Jerry and the gang got lost in the parking garage. Then I realized he was talking about the surf parking lot or at least that is what I am going to assume.  I cant think of one particular story at the moment, although there have been many.  What I would love is to use this topic as a forum to explain to the non surfing population just what we are talking about.

By now if you’re an avid non-surfing reader you have learned of many of the mystiques and fallacies of surfing exposed here on SurfingRuinedMyLife.net.  If you have been reading since the myspace days then you are just about an expert.  When you think about it this blog is sort of like stereo instructions (or the handbook of the recently dead from “Beatle Juice”) on the surfing sub culture.

The actual physical act of riding waves is the shortest denomination in the surfing life style.  If you must have a true break down it goes something like this:

10% riding the actual waves (and that is still being generous for the average surfer)

25% travel time to and from the break (may be larger depending on proximity to a ride able wave)

35% Paddling, waiting in the line up, walking back up the beach
30% parking lot

I mean it may work out differently for other folks I don’t really know, but generally I think the above percentages represent most surfers surfing experience well.  So what is all this time that is spent in the parking lot all about?

Every single surf spot on the planet with the exception of remote islands has some kind of parking area near or right on the break.  Depending on the visibility from the lot to the waves depends on the amount of time spent there.  The better the view from the lot the more hanging out that goes on.  Take C-street as a perfect example.  You can sit in your car and watch the action all day, and some people do.  At Rincon on the other hand the parking lot is out of view of the break, thus less stragglers.

Basically a surfer hangs out in the lot before each session from anywhere upward of 5-30 minutes depending on the surf.  If its firing everyone is tearing their suits on as fast as possible.  If it’s tiny then most of us hang around watching for motivation or just trying to kill time by shooting the shit with who ever shows up.  Other times guys will be waiting out the tide or the wind.  I have sat in the parking lot at Emma Wood for over two hours before waiting for a tide push that never came.

Then you have the vets and surf reps who always seem to just hang in the lot all day talking shop, yet only surf like twice a year at best.  After the surf you hang out and recap the session with your bros and other fellow surfers.  Sometimes even enjoy a victory beer or smoke, which happens before the surf as well at times.  I personally think the parking lot is about as much fun as actually being in the water.

Parking lots at surf spots are full of all sorts of characters both the surfers and bystanders.  Here in California you can almost always count on some type of entertainment from either a crazy homeless person, tweaker or a combination of the two.  Good old-fashioned agro localism fights will go down in the lot.  Cars get vandalized and robbed.  Oblivious passer byes walking will ask stupid questions like “is the water cold” or “How is the surfing today?”.

The parking lot is the true celebration of surfing and surf culture.  Im sure the ancient Polynesians hung out in front of their huts doing the same shit we do now while watching the action.  There is heckling, jeers, cheers, grom abuse and everything in between.  Next time your at a surf spot take a moment to observe all the action going on in the parking lot.  I can on most days assure you it is more exciting then what is going on in the water.

There is a parking lot view for you.

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UCB Extra points challenge!!!!

Posted in Blast From the Past, User Choice BLog, tagged , on April 16, 2011| 4 Comments »

Yeah thats right, start the spring quarter off on the right foot with 2 extra bounus Points!!!!!!!  Spring is a short quarter ending on June 1st so every point counts in this race for the grand prize, a dirty used condom soiled by none other then Chris Lisanti!!!! Dont forget whoever has the most total points at the end of the year wins the self expense trip to Lisanti Land, Santa Barbara California for your own personal Chris Lisanti Adventure tout.  Wow I used my name a lot of times in the first few sentences of the blog.  How much more narcissistic can a person get???

Here is what you have to do.  Yesterday I posted a blog about my recent plumbing woes and wrote that I had a similar problem back in 2009.  I think it was around September or October to be precise.  There were two or three Myspace blogs posted about said incident.  Here is the challenge. Go back to the myspace blog by using this link here http://www.myspace.com/yellowstag/blog and find in my archives the blogs that subsequently go along with them.  Paste the blogs all of the text that goes with them in the comments here.  I will give out one point for each blog that had to do with the spill.  If Im wrong and there is only one blog about the incident then you will get two points but Im pretty sure there are like three of them.  Please copy and paste the link as well in your comment.  Copy and paste the link for the actual blog and not just the list.  Thanks and good searching.

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And The Winner Is…

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , on April 10, 2011| 6 Comments »

The winter quarter of the UCB came to an end as of April 1st.  Let me be the first to congratulate everyone on a job well done.  It was a very tight race this quarter coming down to a mere half point.  Those half points seem pretty silly, but they do add up.  We had a double points blog courtesy of John Mauriello (There is Something About Shuttle Cocks).  Kooky Kyle took advantage of the UCB Grand Prize, a self expense paid trip to Santa Barbara to spend a week in Lisanti Land you can read about his adventures in Kooky Kyle’s Lisanti Adventure Tour.

Its been a ton of fun as always, but enough of my wordy bull shit, after all you have to put up with that everyday.  Lets get on to the winners.  Remember this is only the first quarter of the year there are still three more to go.  So if you did not win this time around you got three more tries.

1st Place: Kooky Kyle with 5.5 points
2nd Place: John Mauriello with 5 points
=3rd Nick the Kook with 2 points
=3rd Brennan with 2 points

If you did not win but got points on the board dont sweat it cause the year end title this year will be determined by most accumulated points rather then most quarters won as has been done in the past.  Get those topics flowing in and take Kooky Kyle down for a change.  The promises to buy a round of drinks at the Wild Cat for who ever beats him.  That round will be three Adios  Mother Fuckers that will ensure a shit show of a night.  I will even sweeten the deal with an authentic Chris Lisanti used condom…Yummy!

Its feels good to be a champion

For winning the winter quarter Kooky gets one crazy night with these two lovelies

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Kooky Kyle’s Chris Lisanti Adventure Tour

Posted in News From Lisanti Land, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2011| 7 Comments »

Since it is the end of the winter quarter of the UCB and although I cant officially claim a winner yet I have to assume that Kooky took the win once again (look for the winners circle blog by the end of the weekend).  If one was to read the actual rules and regulations of the UCB they would have noticed that whomever takes the year title also wins a “Self expense paid vacation to Santa Barbara California to spend a week in Lisanti land living the blogs instead of just reading them.  You get to buy your own plane ticket, sleep on my couch, get burned by me at Rincon and have at least one crazy night at the Wild Cat”.

Kooky won for the year and finally after two botched attempts to get here courtesy of our great friends and masters of incompetence over at the airlines made it this past March.    Im not going to lie at first I was a bit apprehensive about Kooky coming to visit.  I never really considered the guy a good friend, but more of a friend of a friend being that he was John Mauriello’s best friend.  After he screwed me out of an all expense paid trip of a lifetime to Costa Rica with my millionaire Russian friend Vladimir I was a little angry at the guy (he has since more then atoned for his sins).

Rules are rules and he has shown more commitment to SurfingRuinedMyLife.net then I have and its my blog.  I could not deny the guy.  This year has been a tricky one for surf here in Santa Barbara being a La Nina year (well I think the scientists have agreed on that now that year is just about done.  I will have to check with Sindia for expert advice on that one.)  Between hit and run NW’s, crazy weather and tsunami’s who knew what to expect for the kid.

As luck would have it he was rewarded with the most consistent week of waves we have had all season and it was WNW swell allowing for him to score plenty of great Rincon and the crown jewels of Santa Barbara El Capitan and Sand Spit.  I have had friends who have been visiting me for years out here yet to surf either.  Heck Im lucky if I get to surf El Capitan once a year and Sand Spit more then a handful.

One thing I have to say while on the subject of surfing is that I was very impressed with Kooky’s surfing ability.  Part of the reason for his nickname was due to his lack of surfing prowess.  One of my biggest fears was that the poor kid was going to get his ass handed to him at the majority of the spots here.  He found plenty of good ones and held his own even at the most crowded El Capitan I have ever seen and Sand Bar, which is one of the most competitive lineups out here.  Kooky kudos to you.

Kooky Kyle is one useful motherfucker.  The kid is like a walking encyclopedia.  I don’t think there is a single topic out there the guy is not familiar if not all knowing.  Any time I had to get something accomplished he usually had the answer.  Apparently he is a master at survival too.  So if I ever am going to be marooned on an Island “Lord of the Flies” style I would definitely hope Kooky gets stranded with me.  The dude makes his own arrowheads.  He was also a very helpful set of hands in the kitchen minus his slow ass water conserving dishwashing technique.

He even got to experience a UCB all stars weekend here in SB when Brennan and Mauriello drove down from San Francisco his first night in town.  We all went out for a wild night downtown or in other words the Wild Cat.  Unfortunately I think someone must have slipped something in my drink and I got very sick throwing up all night and well into the next day.  At one point I told Ades that she may have to take me to the hospital.  I survived in the end.

In the midst of all the confusion poor Kooky got lost on the streets of Santa Barbara drunk.  Somehow he meandered his way up to Albertson’s, a grocery store about six to eight blocks from my apartment.  I guess it would not be a true Chris Lisanti downtown experience if someone did not get sick and someone did not get lost.  At least this time no one got arrested or lost any teeth.

All in all I think Kooky had a pretty awesome trip.  I know I had a great time and Im sorry for all the bad things I have said about the kid over the years.  I am definitely proud to call Kooky Kyle a true friend any time and will always have his back.  So there you have it win the UCB for the year (tally of who takes the most quarters) and you too can come out here to Lisanti Land for a self-expense paid adventure.   I had Kooky write up a little blog of his own on his take of his adventure tour.  I have not read it yet so that it would not affect my partiality when I wrote this blog.  Stay tuned for that soon…

Two crazy guys having a crazy time.

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There is Something About Shuttle Cocks

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , on April 3, 2011| 5 Comments »

Double Points Baby!!!!!! Thats right John Mauriello scores the Double Points UCB Blog for the Winter Quarter.  I was just about to pass over yet another double points opportunity when he posted the suggestion “Badminton”.  Now this may seem strange to some of you who dont know me well and being this is a pseudo surfing blog.  Let me just state for the record that I am the mother fucking man at Badminton.

What is this game you ask.   Well it was invented by the good old Brits back in the 17th century.  Basic gist of the game is that two or four players (either one on one or two on two) hit a shuttle cock (a feathered ball like thing) with racquets over a net a bit shorter then that used for volley ball.  If it falls on the opposing team’s side and hits the ground a point is awarded to team who hit the shuttle cock.  Its sort of a combination of both tennis and volley ball.

I love this game and probably should have  pursued a career as a pro badminton player instead of a pro surfer, although I dont think I would have gotten laid as much.  You never know though, those Euro chicks are into some pretty strange things and Im sure the game is huge over in Japan.  Badminton is in the Olympics so I could have at any rate maybe gotten on the front of a Wheaties box if I medaled in it.

Forced into the game at the young age of eight by mother, I just assume I was around eight I have been playing the game for so long I cant remember when I started.    My mom was all about Badminton and since we had a volley ball court in our back yard every summer she would have me out there a number of times a week hitting around the birdie (another name for the shuttle cock).  Of course nothing with my mother could ever just be fun.  As a youngster I was a bit of a rebel rouser and was constantly hitting the shuttle in all directions wildly making the game less then stellar for my mother.

She began to drill me on it till I became rather proficient and over time surpassing her abilities by a landslide.  Just imagine playing a game every summer from when you were eight till twenty.  With that kind of repetition its hard not to get good.  Lets fast forward to 9th grade gym class.  When I entered high school I was given the choice of three different gym classes.  One was full of team sports like baseball, basketball, and soccer.  Another was called personal conditioning and involved nothing but working out.  The last had an array of other more obscure sports one of which being badminton.

As soon as I saw that on the list I signed up. Turns out the physical education class I choose appealed to a 99% female demographic.  The only other male in the class was this black gay kid, I mean he was hands down a flamer of gargantuan proportions.  I endured a ton of bull shit in that class, but when we got to the badminton unit it was on.  I kicked ass and took names ultimately being named class champion of that year.  I even schooled the best player from the other high school in the district.

When I moved to Jersey badminton was part of the regular curriculum allowing me play one quarter every year.  I ended up cleaning up there as well taking class champion sophomore, junior and senior year.  The only guy who could even come close to a rival was actually my good friend Jay.  Later on we would have a falling out after he attempted to sell my ass out to the cops for some bullshit we sort of got caught up in senior year.  It was total kid shit that became real serious real fast.  Im not about to get into the details here on the internet, bottom line is he should have left my name out of his mouth all together and it did net him shit in the end anyhow.  After which I completely washed my hands of the dude.

Senior year he gave me a run for my money.  The champion game was a set of five and it came down to game five.  In Badminton you play to 21 but you have to win by two points.  I think we ended up playing till like 33 or something absurd like that.  When  I made that point I was so stoked I ended up smashing my racquet on the gymnasium floor breaking it to pieces.   My victory was rewarded with detention and the costs of a new racquet.  Jay and I teamed up for doubles and went undefeated all the way to the championship.

That pretty much ended my competitive badminton career.   I guess I could have pursued it on a collegiate level but at the time I was more interested in going to school for music.  Now Im probably to old and have already missed my Olympic window.  It looks like I will have to file badminton like so many other entities in my life under could have been but never really was.   My Olympic medal hopes are not all extinguished.  I still have time to perfect curling for the winter games.

Here is a video demonstrating some expert badminton playing:

Even black people in wheel chairs can enjoy this game!

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Its All In My Head

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , on April 2, 2011| 8 Comments »

It all comes down to the wire.  Not really I guess in truth the UCB technically ended as of April 1st which was yesterday, but since its my blog and my rules I dont really give a shit.  At SurfingRuinedMyLife.net I do whatever the fuck I want.  I wish I could say the same for my life.  I think at one point I lived like that.  These days though I find myself conforming to the machine more and more everyday.  That is an entirely different blog all together.  What the fuck am I talking about?  The last UCB of the winter quarter of course.

Its been a great quarter and a close race.  Kooky Kyle snags the last official blog of the winter quarter.  A long time ago way back “when I had the red and black lumber jack with the hat to match” (where are those fun lyrics from,  first person to post it in the comments gets an extra half point for the quarter) at the beginning of the quarter I threw down a challenge in Groovin’ High to ask a UCB about my mental check list.  At the time no one ever bothered to look at that page and I actually updated it regularly.  I assumed no one would ever get it.  They say when you “Assume you make an ass of me and an ass of you”  (first person to name the television show this quote was first used on will also receive a bonus half point).

Who ended up getting it?  None other then the UCB King himself Kooky Kyle.  I never wrote the blog out of spite most likely, but all jokes aside it really is a good topic and one I feel is worth covering.  After all this blog is about me and its hard to truly understand how Chris Lisanti ticks with out an explanation of my mental check list.

I dont really know the origin of it.   The list may have started in the womb for all I know.  Priority one get the fuck out of this place.  Basically what my mental check list is, is a list of things I have to get done in some length of time.  I know that sounds rather vague and confusing.  It gets worse.  Out of this list I have both a long list, a short list and a mandatory list depending on the period of time.  For example, my eventual move to New Zealand and getting my sheep farm is on the long term list.

Organized people write these types of things down in planners or on calenders or other entities of this type.  I however have it all floating around my head with fictitious dead lines that are constantly not being met.  First priority is the mandatory list, which are the items that need getting done for my life to keep on its present course.  These have actual physical dead lines that have to be met.  They are things like paying my rent, showing up to work, my class work, bills etc.  I hate these because I am tied down by actual dead lines meaning it will probaly get there late and I will face some kind adversity as a result, which will ultimately be a pain in my ass and make me angry.  We all know Im not a fun person to be around when Im angry.

The next level is the short  list, which are items that need to get done in a certain amount of time but the period is more vague or an extended period of time.  This includes all sorts of fun things.  The Coffe Table Saga is a perfect example.  That thing has been on the list for almost over a year now.   My herb garden is on this list, all sorts of little chores that need doing around the house are on the list.  Getting a hair cut has been on the list since the fall when I got my last hair cut.  I may have to move that one up to a higher priority before I look even more ridiculous then I do already.  Designing SurfingRuinedMyLife.net was on this list for like three years before it actually got done.  Bottom line if an item gets on this list it will get done, but the real question is not if, but when…..

The list is a bit crazy and drives some of the people in my life batty.  I know Sindia hated the mental check list back when we were together.  I think Ade’s has just at this point learned to live with it.   My Dad thinks Im a moron as a result of the list on most occasions but he too has learned how to work with in the system to help me not sink in matters in life like my taxes, finances and other legal matters.  I think if not for the wisdom of how the real world works from my father I would be either, dead, on the street or in jail.  Your the man Dad, dont ever die or I will be lost.

So that is a brief (yea if you call a 1000 words brief!) idea of the list.  Now Im not expecting any of you to understand or even be able to grasp it.  Shit I have no idea how to get my arms around it and it belongs to me.  I just thought it would be fun to let everyone a little deeper into the retardation of Lisanti Land and why it is so utterly dysfunctional.

There will be no UCB this week being the break week between the quarters.  The Spring quarter will begin with first blog to be written somewhere around April 14th.  Look for the winners blog in place of the UCB this week.   I cant really say who it is although if I had to wager my money is on Kooky, but one thing is for sure it is a close one this quarter.

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