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The Winter UCB Season Has Commenced

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged on January 13, 2011| 8 Comments »

With announcement of our fall UCB champion, congratulations Kooky Kyle thus begins a new season for someone else to step up and dethrone the king.  The first UCB will go down next Thursday January 20th and run all the way until April 1st.  So get those thinking caps on and show Kooky that he is not the only one with great ideas or nothing better to do with his time. As always the first blog of the quarter is worth 1.5 points.  If you take three in a row (hat trick) you get a bonus point thus getting a total for four points.   As always there will be the elusive double points blog that only gets written if a topic is so deserving.  Then there are always the random points I award just because I can.   Remember this part of the blog is for you the reader and you can only get out of it what you put into it.

 

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Who’s a Winner?????

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , on January 10, 2011| 2 Comments »

I will tell you, Kooky Kyle, who apparently stormed another quarter of the UCB taking I believe every single one the entire 2010 year.  Kooky has dominated.  Well one thing can be said for sure the kid is good at coming up with blog topics.  Maybe he should start his own blog.  I would like to say that there is some sort of prize for this great accomplishment (ok its probably on par with taking a big shit), but there is not, except for the pure satisfaction of winning, which my friends there is no sweeter prize on earth (bull shit I want Money!!!!).

Congratulations Kooky Kyle for being awesome on SurfingRuinedMyLife.net.  I would also like to thank everyone that submitted entries. With out your input this blog would not be nearly as much fun.  Right now its a barrel of laughs with just me writing, but when you add the UCB feed back it becomes a barrel of laughs tossed in with a barrel of monkeys and that my friends is a mother fucking boss ass good time.  Wow that last sentence was boat load of gibberish.

Here is the break down of points for the Fall 2010 Quarter:

1st: Kooky Kyle – 8 points
2nd: Nick The Kook – 3.5 points
3rd: John Mauriello – 3 points
4th: Devin – 2 points

Salutations to all who’s names got on the board.  Those of you who did not thanks for playing anyway.  Remember you cant win if you dont play.  If your unclear about what the UCB is or how points are accumulated feel free to check it out by clicking the UCB tab at the top right hand corner of the screen or click here.  No submissions are turned away, no matter how small, dumb or serious.  There are no small submissions only small submitters.

Here is a perfect example of what happens when you cross a barrel of monkeys with a barrel of laughs.

The big winner, Kooky Kyle himself having his own barrel of fun all to himself. Maybe whatever is in that bucket he is drinking from is the magic potion for coming up with great UCB topics?

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Bringing Things to an End

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , on December 31, 2010| 3 Comments »

I was not going to write a  blog tonight but then I figured it would be the last blog of the year and felt I ought to write something in celebration, New Years Eve being my favorite holiday of the year and all.  I used get pretty gnarly on this wonderful night of drunken celebration, this year especially since it is bringing us just a year shy of the end of the world.  Now I would like to say that I am going to party all night and wake up in a puddle of my own piss and vomit.

Unfortunately that is most likely not going to happen considering Im in South Florida visiting my parents , have a 8am flight back to SB in the morning and dont really know where the scene would be here or even if there is one.  All probability really points to me getting trashed and walking to the weak looking sports bar across the street for the bells, before retiring home.  Whatever, I party like its New Years Eve on a Monday sometimes.  My time will come.

I thought I would take a moment to write the last UCB of 2010 and the winter quarter.  Now this is not the double points blog.  There was no topic suitable for such accolade so I canned it once again.  Kooky Kyle wins sending in his request via text message last night and though not official I think he has taken the quarter as well.  He asked me what I want to be remembered for after I die.

This was a thought provoking question.  I spend most of my brain power mulling over stupid shit yet this topic never really came up.  Well after a shit Florida wind chop surf session (see the surf log for more on that) that gave me plenty of time to consider the topic here is what I found. 

First off I want everyone to remember what an asshole I am.  I know funerals and remembrance always makes even Hilter look like a great guy in death, but lets not forget some of my weaker moments.  The fact that if you invite me to a party at your house I will show up with atleast ten of my friends and we are more times then not going to wreck the place.  I will sleep with your girl friend if she gives me the opportunity, most likely your mother, sister and grandmother as well.  I dont have a great grasp on the word “wrong”. 

Remember that I was there for you.  No, I definitely missed the wedding you had me as the best man for because I got drunk the night before missing my flight.  Yeah if you need me for something on a certain date odds are I will flake on it.  But when your darkest hour of necessity comes and there is no one else to help Chris Lisanti will get your back.

Lastly I had a great mother fucking time.  There is no doubt about it when I get into the ground it will be after a life well lived.  My whole life since I was born has been about fun.  Sure I bitch all the time, thats what I do.  Im a whiner.  The bare truth is I ring every last drop out of every second of every day I am breathing.  That my friends is what I want to be remembered for and what I want everyone else to emulate.

Happy New Year

This is exactly how I want to remembered right here!

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Ohhhh, That Nick the Kook

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , on December 26, 2010| 4 Comments »

This week makes a victor out of Kooky Kyle who proposed I write about my favorite Nick the Kook moment.  Now the problem with this is there are virtually hundreds of them and all are pretty classic.  Too torn between which was my favorite (heck it could be its own monthly segment here) I decided I would just write about the shit show he was last night at the bar.  I would not call it “the best of Nick the Kook” but I got a kick out of it nonetheless.  Nick gets a half point since this blog is a bit at his expense, not that I care, but I like Nick and feel he deserves something for the inspiration.

 

Before I begin let me spend a few lines to introduce Nick the Kook because he has always been a popular character in this blog but since the move to surfingruinedmylife.net besides winning a few UCBs and the oddball comment he has yet to star in an actual blog.  He is going to make his way out to Santa Barbara for a ten day span starting Jan 5th so Im sure you will hear a lot more of him.

 

I first met Nick about 7 years ago when he was like 13 or something.  I had happened to paddle out at Brown Ave in Spring Lake (currently The Pipe) at the time I exclusively surfed Manasquan and Sea Girt very rarely making to Spring Lake and especially Brown Ave where a year prior a meat head surfer kicked my ass on the beach for back paddling him.  Just so my California readers know in a New Jersey line up altercations will most times go to the beach.  That is an entire different blog or sets of blogs altogether.

 

I happened to paddle out at Brown Ave to surf this shitty left all by myself.  I was out for no longer then twenty minutes when this scrawny kid showed up out of nowhere on a long board was super pumped.  We got to talking and he was interested in my travel and contests.  I guess he loosely knew me by reputation.  After that I did not see him again for over a year.

 

I took a job managing a small upcoming surf shop in Spring Lake and Nick was part of this cult following of groms who hung out there, most of whom I today have come to call my closest of friends.  Nick is one of those special people in life who are not afraid to throw caution to the wind with very little fore thought, basically my kind of man.  Whether it is getting staples in his head while pulling into double up close outs, lacerating his foot slipping on sea weed or loosing his teeth in a freak drunken piggy back ride accident you can always be sure if some great mishap of pure stupidity occurs Nick the Kook will be at the root of it.

 

As some of you know I made a long awaited trip back to NJ for the holiday to see my family I have not been in New Jersey for two years and with my family for Christmas in four.  After spending the entire day being intoxicated while visiting my family Nick made me an offer to cruise to the bar with him and spend my evening being intoxicated with friends.  Who would I be to turn down a night out at the bar?

 

I get there and Nick, Mauriello, Beesley and Bojangles among many others were enjoying a beer.  I soon joined in.  We are all shooting the shit when Nick proclaims that he does not drink heavy anymore while at the same time ordering his third beer.  Keep in mind that Nick was my ride home and let me stress the word “was”.  After that Nick cruised around the bar and I lost track of him for about an hour, most of which time I spent in an attempt to order drinks from the world’s slowest bar tenders.  I finally got my drinks and was making my rounds shaking hands of old friends and acquaintances when Nick turned up completely smashed.

 

John and I were astounded how he went from relatively sober to stone drunk in under an hour.  “Some people bought me shots” spoken incoherently was his answer.  I wish some people bought me shots I was way to sober for his shenanigans.   Then I spent the night pleasurably following Nick and his antics around the bar.  It was like a game of drunken “Where’s Waldo”, plus he was wearing this bright green shirt allowing him to stand out a little.

 

Every time I caught eye of the kid he was slouched over, mouth open and droopy eyed.  Then I observed him at the bar looking to get another drink.  My intention was to walk over stop him but then he offer to buy me a drink and my asshole inclinations took over thus I ended up with a beer.  As soon as the kid got his brew he was on the move once again and out of my sight.  Sometimes he popped up groping the occasional girl or sloppily hitting on another.

 

I had a ball watching the guy.  At one point I searched for him for twenty minutes only to have him pop up out of no where, say some incoherent thing to me and then walk out the door.  I never saw him again that night.  Good thing I always have a back up plan.  People used to always say that I should have my own reality show but I think one of Nick would be far more entertaining.

Nick the Kook in one of his finest moments spring 2010

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The Perfect Quiver

Posted in Surf Tips, Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 18, 2010| 12 Comments »

Before I get into this week’s UCB I have a bit of an announcement to make.  As everyone knows there are only two more Thursdays left in the fall quarter.  As of right now the race is pretty tight between I think three people and there a few trailers in there as well.  This quarter in addition to the two more blogs up for grabs I am going to put up a chance at a bonus double points blog to be written on the 31st. So here is the deal the topic for this one has to be something really special or I wont write it.  I will allow an unlimited amount of entries for it.  With double points it could be the difference between a victory or not so get busy.

 

That being said this has been I believe the most successful UCB quarter ever and I would like to personally thank everyone for participating.  This week Kooky Kyle takes the win with the topic “what goes into the perfect surfboard quiver”.  I feel that this topic comes a sort of mystery, most surfers having no idea what type of boards are appropriate for them.  I being a rather credible source on the issue thought I would shed some light on the confusion.  (For those who may question my background I spent nearly eight years of my life working in surf shops, ten doing ding repairs and about six as a psuedo professional surfer)

What Should I ride?

Tool Box

A quiver is a toolbox, you put the tools in that are necessary for the job.  This is a theorem that for years I did not hold true to just as a result of pure ignorance. I will elaborate.  When I was 18 my principle short board was a 6’2 x 18” x 2” Squaretail with so much rocker there was not flat point in the board.  Then I had a groveler 5’8 fishy thing and finally 6’10 pintail gun.  I mainly surfed only NJ.  The short board and the fish were fine but the large gun for a kid who barely was pushing 130lbs (heck Im still only about 135) was a bit ridiculous especially in a wave scene like NJ.

 

The only reason I owned that board was because I thought I needed a big board for when the waves got sizable and I was just copying what I saw in the magazines.  The same could be said for my short board, which was way too big for me as well.  Like I stated earlier I did not know any better.

Your Perfect Board

 

My Perfect Board

 

 

Before we get into the quiver, a group of boards, lets talk about your own personal perfect board.  This is the corner stone of everyone’s quiver and with out an understanding of this board, building the perfect quiver is nearly impossible.  All you will end up with is a collection of trash.  The perfect board is a surfer’s go to board for any conditions.  It is the surfboard that if you were stuck on a deserted island and left with only one board you would choose.  Its your all around short board or long board depending on what you ride.

 

It took me years to get this board right and I am still refining it.  Technically one always should because as your surfing changes, the waves you ride change and your body changes over the years so should this one.  Im sure when I am fifty I wont be physically able to ride what I do now.  For me this board is 5’10 x 18 1/8” x 2 1/16” squash tail tons of rocker.  I have had plenty of success with this template for the last six years.  Many people comment that I ride too small of boards but then they forget that I have not gained any significant weight since I was 21.

 

Back east I rode my boards with less rocker to fit the erratic flat spots and condition changes, but when I moved to the west coast where the waves are more conform I found more success with fuller rocker out lines.  Obviously if you weight 185lbs and are 6’1 you should not be riding my 5’10 you would most likely want a 6’1 or 6’0 a bit wider and a bit thicker to accommodate your size.

 

Same thing goes for ability as well.  If you are the same size as me but have only been surfing for 3 years then my board wont work for you either.  Once again you might want something a bit thicker, wider and longer with much less rocker.  Your quiver needs to suit you first and foremost.  Years ago we believed that everyone should ride the same board regardless of your size or ability; since then we have all been enlightened.

Building Your Perfect Quiver

 

Surfboards are not cheap and getting the right ones can be an expensive headache of trial and error.  It took me nearly ten years to get a quiver Im happy with.  First off a surfer should always have two of this perfect board as described above because surfboards are very fragile and break and ding all the time.  There is nothing more frustrating to me then riding a board Im not happy with when the surf is firing because I broke my favorite short board.  If I have a duplicate in my quiver then I can just pull this one out and go to town.

 

I personally keep three copies of this board in my quiver, but I surf a bit more then your average person even now with my shitty full time job.  The next board that should be considered is a step up.

The Step Up

 

One of my step ups

 

 

Now your step up should be geared to the waves you want to ride.  I personally hate big waves.  Once it gets more then double overhead I don’t really have all that much fun.  After that size it always feels more like survival then surfing.  My step up is a 5’11 x 18 ¼ x 2 1/8 round tail with lots of rocker.

 

This board is only a little bigger then my all around short board but a bit wider and thicker for paddle.  This is the board I got to when things get dicey on my short board.  I also keep a 6’1 x 18 x 2 rounded pin tail for macking beach break.  This is my barrel board.  I have made some of the most ridiculous hair raising tubes on this shape.  A barrel board is one that should be shaped bit more narrow and thinner then your normal short board.  It should also contain a round tail or pin tail combination and be 2-3 inches bigger then your normal short board.

 

The barrel board is designed with one purpose, getting shacked.  This board should be able to hold a rail in the steepest sections the waves through at you.  It is also the board you must rely on in the most critical of moments.   Basically your step up board should be what you ride those hand full of days your home break gets outside of its normal comfort zone and a key board for travel.

Guns

 

A gun is a term that is loosely thrown around in surfing far too often if you ask me.  I am definitely guilty of the offense.  A gun is the board you ride when it gets scary.  This is your big wave board; triple overhead and bigger, when you pull a gun out of your garrison there should be butterflies in your stomach.  Most likely it is a day where the waves could kill.  Now like I said Im not a fan of big waves.  My gun is a 6’3 x 18 ¼ x 2 3/16 pin tail.   I have rode this board maybe ten times in my entire life.  I don’t go looking for giant waves and on the rare occasion that I find myself in a chest thumping mood I will pull out this board and go up north in search of fear.

 

Now if I lived in Hawaii a 6’3 gun would be laughable where the average gun is anywhere from 6’8-7’10.  Like I said your quiver is a toolbox.  I don’t live in Hawaii I live in Santa Barbara where we rarely see waves over double overhead and even that is rare.  Personally I feel a 6’3 is too big as well, but every now and again it comes in handy for a mission up north.

Rhino Chasers and Tow Boards


 

I cant give much help here because I don’t have the desire to ride waves the size of houses.  A rhino chaser is a gun made for waves in the twenty foot plus range.  They are what is ridden at Waimea, Todos, Mavericks and every other BIG wave spot in the world.  Most start at around 8’10 to as big as 11 and 12 feet.  I  would not consider purchasing one of these unless you live in a place near a big wave spot and believe yourself ready for the challenge.  I know when I was tested in such conditions it had me paddling back to the beach like a scared little girl.

 

Tow boards are super narrow and weighted down with lead usually in the 5’6 – 6’0 size.  I have only seen these boards in surf shops here or in production and have never rode one nor desire too.

Small Wave Boards

 

A good small wave board is gold in any surf locale.  No matter where you decided to settle down there are going to be terrible small gutless days, some places more then others.  You can either spend these days sitting around watching Brady Bunch re-runs on television or surfing.  I choose the latter.  This where a good small wave board comes into the picture.  Picking the right small wave stick is totally dependant upon how you want to surf tiny waves.   Do you want to still try and get high performance on it or do you want to cruise.

 

A lot of this is ability dependant as well.  If you are not great at surfing then most likely you should seek out a small wave board that will allow you the most float and maneuverability.  If you are looking to shred in the miniscule then you want a scaled down, stubby lower rocker version of your all around short board.  For me this is a 5’7 x 18 1/4 x 2 2/16 wide swallow tail.

 

Others lean towards keel fishes, which offer great float and glide in even the worst of conditions.  Round nose fishes give plenty of float and offer the rider a chance to ride a super small board with a fair amount of maneuverability.

Fun Shapes & Long Boards

Everyone should own a long board in their quiver.  You never know when you will have to rehab an injury, teach someone how to surf or just want to go out and chill.  I had never felt the need to own a long board till I moved out to Santa Barbara where there are tons of perfect point break set ups that break under knee high most of the time.  There is nothing more fun then cruising down a perfect point peeler on a good long board.

 

Long boards and fun shapes are also the unskilled surfers and big man small wave machines.

Specialty Boards

Specialty boards are those that are not necessary at all but in some cases fun or even cool to have.  Alias and hulls are perfect examples of these.  Who really needs a fin less surfboard that only works in perfect waves and is near to impossible to ride?  When you snag a wave on one and feel that unimpeded glide it’s a pretty cool feeling.  Retro boards are another one.  Every true surfer trying to reach guru status needs at least three classic boards from contrasting time periods and know how to ride them.  I currently have two but at one time had four.  How can we create new ideas with out revisiting the old ones from time to time?

 

Slab boards are another specialty board that has also recently came into modern quivers since everyone loves slabs.  A slab is a wave that comes into shallow water from deep water too fast to properly form thus causing a mutant triple up tube.  The Box in Western Australia is a perfect example of this.  Slab boards should be geared specific to the different slabs but rule of thumb should be your regular short board but thinner, more rocker, more narrow and pined out.

 

Basically the perfect quiver is not harmonious but specific to each surfer and his needs. It’s a toolbox.  End result you should own the boards that allow you to have the must fun.  At the end of the day that is what surfing is all about anyway.

My perfect quiver circa 2006, 2 5’10’s 2 6’1’s and a 6’3

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Two is Better Then One

Posted in Deep Thoughts, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , on December 11, 2010| 4 Comments »

This week the UCB makes a victor of Nick the Kook with a topic that I sort of mocked him a bit for suggesting.  After giving it some further thought on the matter and being that “Multiplicity” is one of my favorite films I decided to give the kid the green light.  What did Nick suggest you ask? “What if you could take a pill and wake up the next morning with an exact copy of yourself”.

 

Now don’t think this was an original idea for the chap, on the contrary.  In the masterpiece surf film “Campaign” by Taylor Steele this was one of the skits from the movie staring Chris Malloy.  Basic plot was that Malloy went to sleep after taking a medication called “Double Up” and in the morning he woke up next to an exact copy of himself.  Sounds bizarre for sure but it was actually a rather entertaining skit as far as surf films go.

 

For arguments sake lets say this “Double Up” drug was real and I gave it ago and woke up next to myself.  I don’t really know how to feel about it.  Im a pretty big asshole and barely like one of me as it is let alone two.  Can you imagine the world with two Chris Lisanti’s?  It’s a rather horrifying thought.

 

Then on further thought I realized what if this second Lisanti was subservient to me?  I could make him do all the bullshit I hate in life while I could do the other bullshit I enjoy doing, like surfing.  I would make his ass go to work for me; heck he would work as much as possible to support my life style.  I would make him my own personal Joe Friday as well.

 

Or maybe we could be friends him and I.  The Ultimate companion.  Imagine having a wing man at the bar that was an exact copy of you.  Except he would not be an exact copy of you but of me.  Together we would clean up.  Surfing we could control all sorts of line-ups.  Shit we could probably take over the world because your definitely always going to agree with yourself.

 

In the end Im sure we would end up killing each other or end up in jail or killing ourselves because like I said the world is only big enough for one Chris Lisanti.  A redundancy would most likely cause a huge riff in the space time continuum ending existence of life on earth as we know it.   Maybe that is what is going to happen in 2012 I am going to receive an exact copy of me.  People have been known to call me the anti-Christ.

Whats more dangerous The Joker or two Chris Lisantis

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A Bold Idea or…?

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2010| 9 Comments »

Kooky Kyle takes this week’s UCB in what I have to say was a hard fought battle.  There were so many good suggestions this week it took me nearly a half hour to go through and select one.  Ok that’s a bit of a lie I was also chatting with like three people on Facebook as well.  Thank you everyone for taking it up a notch from the poor showing of the previous week.

Apparently the ASP World Tour is planning on doing one of the “World Tour” events on the East Coast US to go along with world class venues such as Pipe, J-Bay, G-Land and Trestles.  Kooky asked my opinion on the situation.  Being a former professional surfer and resident of the east coast I find myself more then qualified to give thoughts on the subject.  For more information about this event or the WT and ASP click the following links: http://blogs.surfermag.com/office-blog/the-world-tour’s-next-stop-east-coast-usa-2/ and http://www.aspworldtour.com/ .

I guess the first major issue would be is the east coast a viable contest destination for that caliber of surfing.  It certainly can be. There are some serious beach breaks very comparable to France or Brazil two places that both host a World Tour contest.  There are reefs and point breaks up in the New England area that are more then able to produce world class waves on the right day.  The key word is “right day”.

The East Coast is fickle with a swell window that travels the wrong way making it very short.  Weather is tricky considering that your heaviest surf usually comes in the frigid late fall early winter time period and I don’t think the top 32 surfers in the world are about to don a 5/4/3 when they could be at a handful of other destinations with as good if not better quality.  That is a guarantee.

Why is the ASP entertaining such an idea then?  Let me be the first to say its not for the quality of waves, but the quality of the market.  Over the last four years the tour is constantly getting more commercial oriented moving away from the “Dream Tour” surfers once fought hard to achieve.  Face the facts the ASP is a business and so is professional surfing.  The more fans, the more t-shirts that get sold and the more money that is produced.

This is how the world works.  The east coast of the US is a huge market, a rich market and a stoked one.  Overall surfers on the east coast care way more about surfing and having the latest gadgets/paraphernalia then out here on the west coast and with all the down time between swells have more time to think about it.  Shit I know when I lived out there I bought all tons of useless crap and over priced clothing because I thought that was what a surfer was suppose to wear and do.

It was not till I moved out west where surfing became an everyday occurrence that I realized what a crock it all was and began wearing $3 dollar Kmart t-shirts if it meant more time surfing and less time working.  Take the Brazil event as a perfect example the last six years they have held it at Santa Catarina, Brazil, one of the most consistent waves in the country, yet this year they are moving it to Rio, a way worse wave location.  Rio is a way bigger venue, which will bring out more crowds and sell more advertising space.  Remember there was a time back in the 80’s when the ASP held a contest in a wave pool in the middle of Pennsylvania.

Where and when should this event take place?   To me the answer is obvious and should be held either the end of September or any time in October.  The water is still warm and at this point there are both Nor’easter swells and hurricane swells on offer.  As far as a location goes I think a mobile Hatteras or Outer Banks, North Carolina event would work the best.  Cape Hatteras Light House is arguably the most consistent spot on the East Coast and then there are also plenty of other options depending on swell and wind.

Certainly the beach breaks there as good as France.  During the time period I have mentioned it is very rare to go a week with out a decent wave.  I remember years where I would get ten to twelve days out there of straight surf at least chest high or better.  Out of all my travels it is still one of my favorites to visit and one of the entities I miss the most about leaving the east.

People would be stoked too.  No body loves surf stars like east coasters do.  I know I still get star struck when I see Dane Reynolds paddle out and blow up Emma Wood, an everyday thing around here.  I nearly fall over every time Slater or Tom Curren make everyone else look like kooks at Rincon.  It would definitely be a moneymaker and you know what that is why there are commercial sporting events in the first place; to make money.

I am all for a WT East Coast event.  I watched my favorite pros surf shitty waves at nearly every other venue on tour even some of the ones that were suppose to be all time.  Why not see them grovel in my old stomping grounds.

Hatteras. Good enough for the pros??????

You be the Judge.

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Bon Appetit

Posted in User Choice BLog on November 26, 2010| 5 Comments »

This weeks UCB is won by John Mauriello with the topic “Why food, what made you want to be a chef”.  I got to be honest people I was a little disappointed in this week’s UCB turn out.  Im going to write it off as everyone was busy with the holiday, but lets throw down some gold this week.  There are only four more UCB’s Left for the quarter and the 2010 UCB year.  Im going to make next week’s UCB worth double points to stir up some enthusiasm.

 

I have been cooking since my grandmother and mother taught the family Italian recipes when I was 12.  Even then at that young age I loved doing it.  On the holidays I got to help out with the preparations for all the meals.  When I turned 14 I got a job working at a pizzeria on the Point Pleasant, NJ boardwalk called “Joey Tomatoes Pizza”.  At first I was hired as a buser/counter person but soon after proved my temperament not cut out to properly serve the public.

 

Following my third strike bucking a rude customer I was steadily ushered into the “dungeon” or the basement of the restaurant where the prep work for the food was done.  I was trained in the makings of various toppings, dough, and sauces and for the next three years of my life from May to October that was my reality six days a week eight hours a day, pizza prep.  I loved it.

 

I got listen to my music while I worked and had a real sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.  When I was 17 till I was 19 my boss was so impressed with my work he made me in charge of the preps for all the pizza sold on the boardwalk which at the time encompassed four different eateries.  I even had my own staff, Oleg and Gleb these two crazy Russian guys whom my friend Troll almost died of alcohol poisoning one night trying out drink.  And Sergio and Tomas these two Romanian guys who were working the summer in America to save up enough money to buy their own snake farm in one of those unstable post Iron Curtain Eastern European countries.   Oleg and Gleb actually both married American women so that they could stay in America and both have kids and everything.  I don’t know how the snake thing worked out for the other two.

 

My crew and I did around 400lbs of dough a day amongst mass quantities of everything else that goes on pizzas.  We used to have to fill two fifty-gallon garbage pales with pizza sauce everyday. It was exhausting work but was a big help in me scoring my current job. My next restaurant job was not for a few years afterward when I took a job as pantry cook over at a swanky restaurant in Spring Lake.

 

There I was in charge of all the salads, appetizers and desserts.  I liked the work but was always rubbing elbows with the head waitress till one night I exploded on her calling her out for the loser in life that she was.  She ended up having a breakdown and went home in tears.  I got fired.  People skills have always been a weak point for me, although that lady was a fucking bitch ass cunt anyway.  I hope she takes her own life by dropping a toaster into her bath tube.  The world would for sure be a better place.

 

Why did I pick food?  I love to eat and for that matter I think most people do.  Eating is pleasurable and puts a smile on everyone’s face especially when the food is good.  When I cook a person’s favorite meal and see the look of pure bliss on his face it fills me with an unbelievable sense of satisfaction.  I love watching the kids at the college excitingly tear through my line when I have a pizza or other dish they enjoy.

 

I may come off as pretty confident person, but there are few things that I am actually truly good at.  Making food is one of them.  Since I had to do something to keep from starving, no pun intended I figured becoming a chef was the key to the next chapter here in Lisanti Land.  We had the Music chapter, The Professional Surfing Chapter, now its time for the food chapter.

If thats not the happy face of eating I dont know what is.

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We Are All Fucked

Posted in Anger, Deep Thoughts, Life, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2010| 5 Comments »

Im pretty sure we have had this topic before but its definitely one that I have no problem revisiting.  But before we get into that yesterday I wrote a borderline non sequitur rant blog like we have not seen here in a long time, not since the early myspace.com days.  Back then I believe we had a rant blog at least once a week if not more.  I don’t really know what spurred it on except that I was looking at that Movember site and it got me very angry for no good reason.

I was faced with two choices either take my aggression out by beating my cat or writing a barely coherent rant blog.  For Alfie’s sake I chose the latter.  This week Nick the Kook ascends the ranks with the topic “What do I think about the current state of the US economy”.  Im not an economist by any means and you don’t have to worry about me being influenced by any third party media source considering I have not watched the news, read a newspaper or Magazine in more then four months.

What I spout is just from my own personal observations on things thus it will all be completely opinion based and therefore absolutely basis and far from a credible resource of any kind.  This is where I talk out my ass for the next few hundred words or so mostly about pure stupidity.  If you don’t want your IQ to drop a few points I would quit reading this now while you can still stare off into space with out drool coming out of your mouth.

First off I would like to say that I do believe that our economy is getting better (now that I have stated this the stock market is bound to rise fifty points on Monday, after all if Chris Lisanti from Surfingruinedmylife.net says things are getting better everyone will run out and invest.).  In all seriousness I think the worst is behind us for the time being.  I have noticed out here in SB alone a bunch more job openings, new stores and restaurants and an abundance of Japanese tourists.  If the Japo’s are shopping you know its going to be a good day in the books.

Second there is the state of our nearly bankrupt government.  Here in California we have had no money and been in a “crisis” situation for more then three years now.  I don’t really know what that means because the streets still get paved (with the exception of the 101 in between Ventura and Santa Barbara, that still looks like a fucking mine field), and all the other government bureaus seem to be getting along.  Certainly all those lazy good for nothing sacks of shit sitting at home watching reruns of “Full House” and Judge Judy all are still collecting their welfare checks.

Its funny cause when I don’t have any money in my bank account I cant continue to operate under my normal spending capacity.  As a matter of fact I just go with out any luxury and eat cold cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Governments must have some magic fairy dust they sprinkle and it creates a few billion bucks to fuck around with.  Like I said I don’t really have any factual information to back any of this up with and since Im not writing a research paper I  don’t care to look anything up.

Lastly what I would love to touch on, a reoccurring theme here at SurfingRuinedMyLife.net is the perversely gross unequal distribution of wealth in the United States economy.  Currently the gap between the rich and the poor is at one of the highest differences in our history.  Every year inflation rages yet wages stay the same or climb at a fraction of the percent of what things costs.  I sit and watch as the price of gasoline goes up nearly every year by 60% yet Im lucky if I get a quarter raise every year.

The working class is not getting paid what they are worth or even what they need to survive, meanwhile the rich are sitting in their hot tubs eating caviar from their five million dollar house on the hill while deciding which two hundred thousand dollar car they will take to go out and spend eighty five dollars a plate for dinner.  Yet the people who’s blood, sweat and soul went into cooking that meal, building that house and assembling those cars can barely afford to drive to work to do such things.

Almost everyone I work with has to work two or three jobs just to survive.  How in a time when some have so much everyone else has to kill themselves just to survive?  Its because these rich bastards know that they can pinch us for little and that we are dumb enough to work for while they stack paper higher and faster then ever.  If minimum wage got raised to a fair level say $14 an hour, an actual decent amount for a person to live on I think things would run a lot smoother.

Now I know what your thinking, Chris is crazy our economy would fall apart if minimum wage was so high.  It would cost more for everything, but if everyone had more money, everyone on a whole could spend more.  Workers who are not exhausted from working so many extra jobs would be more productive.  Also lets tax the shit out of these wealthy tyrants.  If they can afford to buy a five million dollar home then they can afford to put more into the government.

While we are at it lets get more regular everyday people into the government.  Im tired of seeing everyone important in our government getting there because of which money monger scoundrel they cut a deal with to get there.  No wonder the best interest of the people is not taking into account.  We don’t count.  Face it if your income is less then half a million a year no one cares about you.

My brothers and sisters its time for a change and unfortunately I don’t believe this change is going to take place at an election both.  Its going to take place in the form of an uprising and one that is maybe not all that far off.  When it happens who’s side are you going to be on?  Your rich boss who does not give a shit whether its you working or someone he can get for a dollar less then you or your fellow worker struggling to keep his head above water just like you.  I will tell you one thing folks Im not a violent person but when the time comes I will rise to the occasion and help to set things right.  A new American Revolution is coming.

Why work when you can be entertained by Danny Tanner, Michelle and the gang?

Michelle knows things are fucked up "You got it dude"!

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I Had a Dream

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Life, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2010| 1 Comment »

Kooky Kyle after taking a brief UCB winner vacation quit sleeping on the job and claimed what I believe to be his fourth victory this quarter (it may be third I don’t really know, don’t ever count them till the end).  He asked if I have had any good dreams lately or if I dream at all.  This question pertaining to latent dreams of course as far as future dreams go I have given up on those altogether.

Truth be told I don’t have too many dreams at all or at least those I can remember.  Science claims that the human subconscious dreams pretty much the entire time we are in REM State and through out most of the night as well.  I have the long term memory of a chicken and the short term memory of a cat thus making me pretty much a step above being retarded.  If can barely remember anything while Im awake how can I possibly be able to remember what goes on while Im in slumber land?

Here are some typical dreams I do remember because they have been reoccurring in one form or another.  The foremost is car crash dreams.  I don’t know why but I always have dreams where I have been in a car crash, caused a car crash or just witnessed one happening but in most cases I am involved in the cause of the crash.  Dream analysts claim that such dreams are symbolic of how our psyche feels about what it is experiencing in waking life.  This makes sense considering my life has pretty much been a 29 year train wreck.

While we are on the car crash dream subject I would like to relay a pretty entertaining dream I had a week ago or so: John Mauriello and I worked for a Starbucks here in Santa Barbara, but our job there was to make sandwiches and cook lunch items.  We were shitty employees always coming in late, leaving early and mostly slaking off while there.  Our boss, the owner was this stingy Indian guy (when I say Indian I mean a person from India and not the tepee building ones) who always wore sweater vests and thought he was cool cause he loved hip-hop.  John and I also rented a garage apartment in his house.

The guy hated us but for whatever reason he did not fire us.  One day my old roommate Cory Kiesel showed up at our apartment in a white jacked up ford F-350 pick up truck telling us we had to go with him to the SB airport to pick up Rapper Heavy D and that him and Heavy D were going to LA to cut an album together.  We picked up Heavy D all blinged out with a grill, chains and fixings that go along with that description and headed back to the apartment.  Upon pulling into the apartment the breaks failed and we drove right into the living room of the house.

At first my boss was furious but when Heavy D stepped out into his living room dude was all chill.  Then over dinner he worked out a deal to manage the Cory/Heavy D act. Damn crafty Indians.  I think the dream went on from there but that is all I can remember.

Another set of dreams I experience regularly are falling dreams.  Apparently these dreams represent a sense of failure or feeling of inferiority.  Falling dreams can also represent a feeling of being overwhelmed or that your life is out of control.  Wow Im a mess.

I also on a regular basis have dreams about drowning as well.  Not really about drowning while surfing, just drowning in general.  Usually when one of these occurs I wake up gasping for air and sweating.   Turns out Drowning dreams represent a feeling of being overwhelmed or that you are feeling threatened.

Sometimes after a hard day at work I go to sleep and dream Im still there.  Like when I first started making pizzas at Westmont that entire week I dreamed of nothing but making pizzas all night long.  I have always had dreams that I was still at work even though I was home sleeping in my bed.

I occasionally have strong sexual dreams some so vivid that I actual wake up wondering if I had sex (no Im not talking about black outs).  Sexual dreams can symbolize the obvious or also occur at times when one needs a certain release from pent up tension.  I guess Im a basket case when one takes the time to analyze my dreams or the few that I can remember.  I can only imagine the shit I conjure up that I don’t recall.  Well fuck dreams maybe that is why Im an insomniac.  I’ll sleep when Im dead.

I dont know what kind of dream this would symbolize????!!!?

Im sure Heavy D knows whats up.

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