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Archive for the ‘User Choice BLog’ Category

Resourceful Weaponry

Posted in Anger, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2011| 14 Comments »

A few months back some one asked who posted the most worthwhile topics to the UCB.  Well my friends I have to say if it’s not Scotty B then he is definitely in the top three.  Up until his recent suggestion today in my slump of eternal non-motivation nothing really got my fingers in gear on the keyboard.  Luckily Bees came through with a topic might I add that was so great it got me off my ass this very minute.  He asked plain and simply “What is your favorite choice of weapon that is not actually a weapon at all”.

 

I have a few favorites that I would turn to when in a situation where nothing else would do.  Here goes:

 

The Proverbial Prison Shank

 

This is the one weapon everyone should know how to make and use.  Face it, no matter how good of a person one is, he never knows when he may find himself incarcerated.  I once saw this Tom Selleck Movie call An Innocent Man (this was back when I was hooked on late night network television movies.  All I can say is they run some pretty strange ass shit on television at 2am, not to mention the amount of commercial breaks is obscene. Late night television is definitely a whole other blog all together.).  In the film Selleck is minding his own business when these two crooked cops show up at his house instead of the one next door to make a drug bust.  Selleck comes out of the bathroom with a hair dryer.  The cops mistakenly take it for a gun and shoot him.

 

To cover their ass the cops frame Selleck and he goes to prison for five years.  Basically to survive not getting raped in jail he as to shank the biggest meanest black guy there. After getting released from prison he goes and gets revenge on the cops.  It’s got all my favorite elements in a film, revenge, prison and of course Tom Selleck and his bad ass mustache.  I highly recommend checking the movie out.

 

After seeing that movie I decided that would for sure be my prison anal violation survival plan, shank the biggest gnarliest black guy there.  Now in the film Selleck makes his out of a piece of plastic he sharpened while on laundry detail.  As for me I think I will lean towards sharpening my toothbrush.  Remember the key is to break the end off so that there are no fingerprints tracing you back to the murder.  There is nothing worse then having to do another twenty to life, when you should be rewarded for sending a scum of the earth like that into the ground.  Hey, what do I know?  For one thing I just told you how to not get raped in prison.

 

2×4 with Rusty Nails Sticking Out the End

 

Have you ever been hit by a 2×4?  I have and it fucking hurts. Not only is it a contact weapon, but a 2×4 has a little give and flexibility in it thus creating a whip like thrashing.  Add in some rusty nails at the tip and you have a make shift home made mace that will not only slice up your antagonist, but possibly cause them to contract tetanus.  That’s no laughing matter.  Tetanus sucks, once contracted the victim gets lock jaw, swallows his tongue and dies a pretty miserable death.  At the very least he will have to get a tetanus shot and those little fuckers hurt like hell.  Do they really have to inject it right into your bicep?  Last time I got one it hurt for days.  Last word on the 2×4, if it happens to break in half on your opponent you can use the remaining piece as a stake, which may come in handy if the opposition turns out to be vampire.

 

Tire Iron

 

A tire iron is the ultimate weapon when you need something on the fly.  First off if you drive a car then you’re almost always bound to have one available.  Second they are heavy as fuck, adjustable in size, can be used as both a stabbing and bashing device and in most cases can be accurately thrown as well.  In my case cause of the amount of moisture in my trunk thanks to my surfing problem my tire iron is rusty as well and I do believe you just read in the previous item the advantage to rust besides being used to coax Salad Fingers into a lock box.  Final thought on this one.  Its pretty bad ass to say you beat someone with a tire iron.

 

Baseball Bat, Golf Club, Bike Chain with Lock

 

I lumped these three together because in my opinion they are all pretty standard go to weapons in people’s homes that are picked up when self defense is a necessity.  Baseball bats are great weapons.  Metal or graphite do tons of serious damage when wielded correctly and a wood bat if broken over your adversary once again becomes a stake, which also by the way is a great stabbing device.  A golf club is pretty self explanatory, I mean the word “club” is in the name.  My sister hit me with a bike chain straight across the back once in the garage because I was making fun of her.  I can tell you first hand it fucking hurt and left welts on my back for days.

 

Sock Full of Pennies

 

Finally we get to my favorite of the entire ghetto rigged weapons, the sock full of pennies.  It’s the reason “everyone should have a reverse peep hole on their door” (where is that quote from? First person to get it right with the person who said it gets an extra UCB point, half point for either one).  Think about this for a moment. You take a long tube sock and fill it a third of the way with pennies, knot it off at the top of the pennies and go town on your enemy swinging like a banshee.  We are talking black eyes, broken bones, bashed in skull, the works.  It’s easily concealed in your pocket.  When all is said and done burn the sock and spend the pennies, no more evidence.

Ok, this is more of a bum shank then a prison shank.

She may look tough with her wrench, but give me a sock full of pennies and my rusted nail 2x4 and its on.

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Chris’ Notes: Oliver Twist

Posted in Chris' Notes, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , on August 25, 2011| 18 Comments »

This weeks UCB makes a winner of John Mauriello who inadvertently made a suggestion on yesterday’s book club blog and spurred on an entire new segment I would like to call Chris’ Notes.  You remember back in high school and even in college when you would pick up those twenty page summaries of classics and used them to cheat with instead of reading the actual book.  I know I did.  I love reading, but when you have to read a novel or two a week it gets hectic.

So as most of you know in the Book Club portion of this blog I always write a summary of my feelings on the former book each time there is a new entry.  John had asked just recently with the Oliver Twist that I write a summary about the actual story.  I got to thinking that would make a most splendid new segment.  Instead of Cliff’s notes which may actual enhance your literary enlightenment of a novel we will have Chris’ Notes that will for sure cause you to fail if you use it as your primary resource.  John gets 2 points since his suggestion will become a new segment.

Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens

Oliver Twist is about this orphan who is born in a Christian workhouse, a bastard child from an unidentified mother.  She dies in child birth leaving him at the mercy of this corrupt place of charity that over works and starves the poor, while the parish heads rape the system.  Upon his mother’s death she bestowed one of the nurses with a locket and some other proofs of Oliver’s birthright, which get stolen and pawned by another nurse.

From infancy to kinder years Oliver is reared by the forceful and neglectful care of this bullshit despicable old lady who profits on starving orphans. He comes of age and is brought back to the workhouse where his life just mildly improves. The modus operandi of the house being to slowly starve the poor while working them to the bone.  Nothing but good wholesome Christian values being dished out there.

One day after being forcefully threatened by an older boy Oliver asks for seconds of the meager gruel that is dished out during lunch time.  “Please sir may I have some more?” For this heinous act he is sternly beaten and a ransom is put out to any tradesman who will apprentice the boy.  He gets picked up by the local coffin maker who sees in Oliver’s eyes a kind gentle soul.

Oliver is very happy to be put to a useful cause and gives his all to his new trade.  Unfortunately the coffin maker’s other apprentice this douche bag Noah Claypole feels threatened by Oliver’s eagerness to learn and winning of the boss’ favoritism.  Claypole frames the poor boy claiming he beat him up and the cleaning girl, Charlotte, even though Noah is twice the size of Oliver.  Twist is severely punished for his misdoings and decides to escape and make a run for London first chance he gets.

On his way to London he meets up with a boy around his age, John Dawkins or better known as the “The Artul Dodger” for his impeccable feats as a pickpocket.  Dodger recruits Oliver, by making him think he is going to a good home.  In reality it is basically an 18th century London version of a Detroit crack house where Oliver is unknowingly taught the trade of thievery by the ringleader of the gang, a Jew who goes by the name of Fagin.

Deciding Oliver is ready for the streets, Fagin sends him out with Dodger and another pickpocket, Charlie Bates.  When Oliver observes what is really going on he is appalled (a result of his predestined genuine quality) that his new friends are ruthless thieves.  In his shock he is mistaken for the actual perpetrator.  He flees the scene and is chased by an angry mob insinuated by both Bates and The Artful.  He is caught up with, tackled beaten then arrested.

Beaten so bad he can hardly walk he is taken in front of the magistrate.  The gentleman he is the victim, a Mr. Brownlow sees in Oliver’s eyes that he could not have been the one who robbed him and decides not to press charges, instead taking the boy home with him where he is nursed back to health.

Meanwhile Fagin, heartbroken with the loss of his new apprentice sends a pickpocket turned prostitute Nancy out to find the kid.  Once cured of his illness/injures Brownlow seeks a meeting with Oliver to procure his story, being that Oliver resembles the likeness of a close childhood friend of his.  Before getting the entire story, Brownlow sends Oliver on an errand to return some books to the Library and get some bread as a show of his trust.

In the process Nancy the little whore she is kidnaps Twist and brings him back to Fagin.  This other sinister Gentleman, Monks appoints Oliver along with this bad ass criminal Bill Sikes and his gang to go rob these rich people in the country.  The owners of the house are suppose to be in the country on holiday.  Turns out the whole thing was a set up and Oliver gets shot in the chaos of the fudged robbery.  Sikes drags the kid with him for a few miles before leaving him for dead in a ditch.  Some how Oliver survives and manages to make his way back to exact house he was forced to rob.

He is found passed out on the front lawn and is taken in by the Maylie’s.  At first the gentlemen of the house wish to turn him over the police till they are convinced otherwise by Rose and her Aunt that the boy was too gentle to ever commit a crime.  They nurse him back to health and then bring him with them to the country where he is educated.  In the process Rose is taken ill and nearly dies.  Upon her survival she is proposed marriage by Harry Maylie, whom she rejects in order to save his bright political career, being of an illegitimate birth herself.

Time passes and all the while Oliver is getting well groomed and educated by his new benefactors.  Him and the Maylies end up in London where Oliver searches for Brownlow to make known to him the particulars of his unfortunate disappearance.  At the same time Nancy the slut who captured Oliver from Brownlow finds news of some misdoings towards Oliver by Fagin, Sikes and Monks.  Unable to live with herself for the wrongs she brought to Oliver, she seeks out Rose and explains to her that Monks destroyed some artifacts that proved Oliver is of noble blood and entitled to an inheritance.

With this knowledge Rose and Oliver call upon Brownlow who is overjoyed to be reunited with his young countenance.  Brownlow hears the story and immediately puts the mystery to pasture.  As it turns out Monks is Oliver’s half brother and owed half his fortune to Oliver when his being alive was made known unless Oliver had turned to a life of crime.  This is the reason Monks set up Twist and Sikes at the Maylie house in the first place.  It also turns out Rose is Oliver’s aunt and Brownlow was entrusted by Oliver’s father to make sure he go his share of the inheritance that was to be split between him and Monks by a letter sent to him shortly after Oliver’s father’s death.

With the fear of being brought to the gallows Monks signs a confession and agreement to pay Oliver half his fortune and leave England all together.  In the meantime while all this was happening.  Sikes brutally murders Nancy when Fagin has Noah Claypole (that’s right the old apprentice, now turned thief) follow her to disclose the information she gave Rose about Oliver.  As a result the whole gang gets busted.  Sikes accidentally hangs himself in attempt to escape an angry mob.

Fagin is hung for all his wrong doings, Dodger is hung as well although a few chapters earlier.  Harry Maylie denounces his position in life, opting to take up a parsonage at a small church in the country thus Marrying Rose.  Brownlow adopts Oliver and he moves there as well.  The tale ends with all of them happily passing their days in each other’s company.   I thought reading the book was exhausting, but summarizing a 600 page novel in less the 1500 words is just plain Masochistic.

Speaking of Masochism...

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Oh No…The Power of Ten for August!

Posted in Anger, Deep Thoughts, Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , on August 19, 2011| 6 Comments »

Nick the Kook gets two points towards his UCB tally this quarter by wining this month’s Power of Ten, a new monthly bonus UCB segment here at surfingruinedmylife.net.  It was between him and Kooky, but Kooky’s topics were just for the most part too involved, many good enough for a stand alone blog.  Sorry Kooky, so sorry.  If your lost on what this is, basically you throw down ten one word or phrase topics and once a month I will pick one list and write a short answer style blog on each.  Only one list of ten per reader, per month please.  The Power of ten is worth two points.

1. Before We Had Cell Phones: I love cell phones. I think they are a great invention at the same time they piss off the fuck out of me.  I really hate the fact that anyone can get in touch with me anywhere at any given time and even worse they know that if I don’t answer more times then not I am blowing them off.  There was a time only about 10 to 12 years ago when cell phones were a rarity set aside for FBI agents and movie stars.  Back then calls to me sometimes went not returned for weeks.  Ahh, the good old days.

2.  People That Sing Too Much:  I don’t really know what this is pertaining to.  I mean Kook sings way to fucking much.  The guy always has some tune going in the water, in the car, walking down the street.  Fucking choirboy, which team are you playing for chief?  Then again I do my share of singing too.

3.  Should Kooky Get a Blog?:  Why shouldn’t he.  Everyone else I know seems to have one these days.  That is the beauty of the new bloging craze, any idiot can give his two cents on the internet and publish that bullshit for anyone to read.  Kind of like this website here, man that Chris Lisanti is a moron, I wish some one could put an end to his terrible blog.  But no one can. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

4.  Dutch Oven: I used to have a Dutch Oven. I bought it at yard sale for like $12 bucks.  I cooked so much good shit  it was not even funny.  They are basically giant cast iron crock-pots.  Then one day I put it under the sink while it was still red hot and it cracked.  I was super bummed out.

5.  Surfing Naked: I have never done it.  Personally it seems to me that with all the wax and what not it would be a rather adverse experience.  There is this story about this crazy surfer from back in NJ, super devote hard core guy, and one hell of a wave rider.  As the story goes he had just got out of the water at Gunnerson’s, an incredible sand bottom right hand point when its on (this day it was on!) and was changing on the beach.  He saw the set of the day rolling in from way up the point.  Instead of admiring the perfection of the place from the beach this dude ripped off his towel and jumped back into the water, paddling into position just in time.  Turns out he got the wave of the day completely buck naked, getting barreled twice.  I guess it is all right since Gunny’s is a nude beach anyway.

6.  Organic Wax: Organic Wax sucks.  It does not stick to your board and does an even worse job of sticking to your feet.  Give me good old carnauba wax any day.

7.  Voting:  I don’t Vote.  I believe I address this issue every election day.  Long story short I don’t watch the news, don’t follow politics, have for the most part decided one useless liar is as good as the next one and until a candidate comes along I actually believe in I shall not cast a vote in any direction.  And yes I know that I am part of the problem.

8.  Best Cereal:  Hands down it’s Honey Bunches of Oats, any variety, although I find the original to be my favorite.  If I had to pick a second it is cinnamon toast crunch, but eating that every day would kill me.  Where as I feel Honey Bunches of Oats is at the very least a tad healthier?

9.  Income Taxes:  I like indirect taxes.  Sure I get mad every paycheck when it is like $100 bucks or so less then it ought to be.  At the same time I would much rather it that way then have to be responsible for figuring out how much I owe at the end of each month or year and save for it.  Plus I make so little money and live so far below the level of poverty that I get a full refund every year anyhow.

10.  First Website I Visit Other Then This Site and The Book: First site, the one my computer home page is set to is surfline.com.  The first and foremost priority in my life is knowing when and where my waves are at.  Not to mention keep up with the global surf gossip.

The exciting world of cooking with a Dutch Oven

Gunnerson’s on a small day. Just look at the potential of that point.

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Feeling Awkward?

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Life, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2011| 5 Comments »

First off let me apologize to everyone for the lack of writing this month.  In my defense things have been a bit crazy with the play opening, my New Jersey/New York trip/performance, breaking in a new roommate and some other incidents in my personal life I have yet to address here.  All I can say is I have been busy for me. This weeks UCB makes a winner of my boy Kiefer, whom I got good and shitty with Saturday night.  He asked, “What is the most awkward situation I can remember being in”.

 

Awkward situations! Awkward situations?  My whole life is a series of awkward situations usually brought on by bad decisions.  I never have been a very good decision maker after all.  As everyone knows when faced with a logical option I in most cases will choose the illogical.  The propagation being I always want to see, as I like to put it “what could happen”.  Thus is why we have so many entertaining stories and moments in Lisanti Land.

 

Believe me this system works both positive and negative. Back to awkwardness, I find just about every social situation I enter into to be an awkward situation.  It sounds absurd right?  Its true, my coping mechanism used to be to avoid them like the plague.  Then one day a few years back I realized I was letting life pass me by and decided to step up, dig down deep, find some self-confidence and grab the world by my hands.

 

I find my worst moments of awkwardness always seem to revolve around women I care about, particularly when I make a frail attempt at actualizing my innermost feelings.  During the end days of Adrienne there were plenty of awkward moments including when I found out she was cheating on me.  When I showed up and met the guy she was cheating with to see what I was losing out too.  When I decided to try and win her back while she clearly had already made up her mind.  There is nothing more awkward then watching the person you love walk past you, smile, say goodbye and then go off to be with another.

 

Truthfully I don’t really care to dawn on that moment of my life anymore.  Looking back I know it was silly to let another bring me to my knees.  Now my life is amazing and I am happier then I have ever been.  They have that expression “God closes a door and opens a window.  In my case he torn down a wall and I could not be more grateful.

 

Kiefer asked for a story of awkwardness and thus far I have just talked out of my ass.  I am going to tell about the first kiss between Sindia (my ex-wife for my new readers who have not been following since ’06, yeah this shit has been running for over five years now!!) and I.  Nostalgia is great and I think it may have been the most awkward I have ever felt in my entire life.

 

I had been hanging out with Sindia for about two months with the predisposed hope of us dating.  We were both really backward in the department of romance.  Myself I was still carrying a chip on my shoulder from the atrocities performed towards me thanks to my very first girlfriend and her because she had never really been romantically involved with another.  Strong feelings had grown between the two of us, but neither had brought them to contrition and things were getting very awkward as a result of the confusion.

 

Finally I had reached my breaking point and knew I just had to step up.  We met my father down in Trenton, NJ to go see this jazz combo play.  It was a fun show and a good time was had by all.  We drove back to the shore and the whole drive both of us were completely silent.  I was nervous the entire night and now full on in understanding that I had to tell her how I felt was a near basket case of nerves.  My hands were shaking so much that I had to clutch the steering wheel with them both in a death grip.

 

Sindia and I got back to the beach where she had parked her car. I think we must have surfed before going to the show.  We ended up having one of those lingering goodbyes where you basically say your leaving more then ten times but no one actually goes anywhere.  Conversation had hit a complete impasse and the both of us were just gazing into each other’s eyes.  It was a perfect moment for me to kiss here, that I stewed on for nearly 15 minutes.

 

In her frustration Sindia blurted out “so what is the deal between us anyway? Are we friends or more or what?”  “DAMN, she beat me to the punch” I thought.  By that point it was nearly 2am and there was surf.  I mean the whole time we were sitting there we could see giant walls of white water in the darkness.  My fight or flight instincts had taken over and flight was winning.

 

The larger half of me was pushing for me to jump back into my car, drive away and never call her again.  My face was so red with embarrassment that I had blown the perfect moment I could have passed for a turnip.  After about another very awkward five minutes I responded with some nearly inaudible dribble pertaining to the fact that I thought we should be more then friends, after which we hugged then had this terrible teeth knocking kiss.  That was followed up by an almost proper kiss.

 

We both sort of looked at each other as soon as it was done with a bit of awe that we let things get to that point.  Next morning we met up for a surf way later then we should have even though it was going off cause we kept each other up till 3am trying to express our feelings for one another.  There you have it, the most awkward I have ever felt in my entire life.

 

On a side note for anyone wondering: Sindia now lives in Whales, UK and is I believe a world renowned Scientist in the field of chemical paleo-oceanography or something to those regards.  I never quite got her actual field of specialization.  We broke up on mutual terms I guess around four years ago.  Our lives were just going in different directions.  We still keep in touch and from what I can infer she is doing very well for herself in both life and love.  I could not be any happier for her.

 

As for me well I don’t feel I need to fill you in considering I write about everything here on a daily basis.  If your lost there are over 485 blogs on this website alone and thousands on the old myspace blog.   Go nuts reading if you feel that inclined.  All I will say is that I too am happy.

Now that is an Awkward situation....

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Its a Human Thing

Posted in Deep Thoughts, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , on August 6, 2011| 12 Comments »

This week’s UCB finds the magnanimous John Mauriello back into the limelight.  He suggested I write about my thoughts on mankind as a whole.  Now we all know I have plenty to say on this topic and have already said plenty about it.  Before I get into that I want to take a minute to remind everyone that the bonus “Top Ten UCB” for August is up for suggestions.  If you have forgotten what I am talking about all you need to do is suggest 10 one word or short topics and I will address all in one fun blog.  It’s worth double points and everyone gets one set of suggestions.  Read You’re a Fucking Idiot But So am I blog for more details.

 

Mankind baffles me.  I just don’t understand humans in general.  Up until recently I had always believed I was above them.  I have always felt at the very least an outsider looking in.  I know I am insane, but its people as a unit that really scare me.  We are all fucking nuts.

I don’t have the answers, but I think I have figured out how to eek out an existence that I am pleased with.  I watch people everyday walking through life like zombies.  I see others who are completely miserable.  Why do we always want more?  These days I find myself wanting less and constantly getting more.

Humans seem to be in a constant struggle speaking their mind.  Everyone puts on a façade.  It’s those false pretenses that fuck everything up.  Shoots I lived a lie for nearly eight years.  I don’t know what it is I’m living now, but whatever it is, it’s the most honest thing I can remember.

For all of the advancements we have made technologically, we have taken ten steps back socially.  Human communication is at an all time low.  Everything is good as long as you hit the “like” button on your friend’s dumb ass face book status.  I have an idea, call your friend instead and see how him or her is doing.

I am just as guilty, but at least I can admit that out of the 284 friends I have on Face Book I may actually know half of them, and out of that half am lucky if I actually talk to twenty regularly.  It’s much easier to hit that like button.

See that is what I am talking about.  Our society has had a social break down.  Then we wonder why no one can keep a relationship together anymore.  There is no like button in Real life.  Two people actually have to communicate with one another.

I have a few select people in my life right now whom I feel very deep love for and I know they are better then the rest, most better then me.  I try these days to only surround myself with people of quality.  In the human race there is more static then picture.  You choose what you wish to portray.

Don't let yourself get lost in the sea of mediocrity....

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The Crystal Ball

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 23, 2011| Leave a Comment »

This weeks UCB makes a victor of my boy Scotty B.  You have to watch out for those sleeping giants and back in the Myspace days Bees ran the show in the UCB franchise.  It seems we have a new challenger to the Kooky Kyle dynasty.  I thought for sure it was going to be a two way race between Kook and Kooky, but now a new contender has stepped up.  I must say I am rather amused by the whole UCB process, too much probably.

A New Proclamation

 Before I get into Scott’s topic I quickly wanted to make another UCB announcement.  This one is sort of a counter action to last weeks rule of 5: One can only make 5 UCB suggestions in a 7 day period (See the first two paragraphs of Pitching a Tent blog for a better explanation of the new rule).  Last week I wrote a really fun bonus UCB entitled You’re a Fucking Idiot, But So Am I in which I took ten one word topics from Nick the Kook and wrote ten short responses to them.

I did this sarcastically because I was angry about all the serial suggesting going on. It turns I wrote one of the better blogs and definitely one of the more amusing in a while.  As I result I am making a new blog rule: Once a month I will write a special double points UCB where I will take ten one word suggestions made by one reader and write ten short answers.  Everyone can submit one set of top ten topics a month and I will write about my favorite ten.  Read the above linked blog to fully understand.  I think it will be a ton of fun for all of us.

Now let us get back to Scott’s blog.  He proposed I write about my thoughts on surf forecasting.  I am almost sure I have touched on this subject more then once here, but redundancy is what makes America awesome!

The Double Edged Sword

 I love the advances in modern day surf forecasting.  As a premium member of surfline.com I can get a very accurate three day, an accurate five day, reliable seven day and a 14 day speculation.  For a surf addict like myself, I must admit I have become quite the frother again; it makes attempting to live in the non-surfing world a tad bit easier.  That being said my life is still planned out by the five day forecast and I still find that I’m reluctant to make any long range plans for fear of missing it, although I have gotten a lot better as far as blowing things and people off to surf.  But this is not about my onerous surf habit.

Thanks to the accuracy of forecasting today you can plan trips on the fly and know you are most likely not to be skunked.  I remember a few years back Sean McGrath and I pulled the trigger on a trip down to Puerto Rico after getting a favorable long range forecast and we scored some of the best Wilderness and Table Tops I have ever seen down there.  We did not quite get it as good as we were hoping, but it was a ton better then the times I just blindly went.

Of course there is the inaccuracy as well.  There are so many factors that effect quality to surf that I am amazed at how often they get it right.  I mean wind, tide, global currents, water temperature, air temperature, frontal systems, El Nino, La Nina, all these factors mess with a swell realizing its full potential at a certain location and on the other hand allow for other less likely swell events to pleasantly surprise.  That is what has always made surfing the true oxymoron both frustrating as hell and extraordinary.

Sure when Surfline.com is claiming for Tuesday to be the day of days and I clear my entire calendar out on that day and its two foot and onshore, I am more then disappointed.  Usually I am on the dunes at Ventura harbor kicking sand or at Rincon throwing rocks spouting more then a few displeasing to the ear four letter words.

Then there are those times when the opposite happens and I had expected very little, show up and score it.  Two weeks ago actually there was some local NW wind swell and west groundswell combo.  Surfline.com was calling flat for Rincon all weekend, as would be expected for the time of year.  As it turned out the place broke in the very legit chest to head range for three days (see the surflog for more details on that).  There was nobody there but the hardcore crew of people who check the place everyday no matter what.  This leads to the next and final topic.

The Fucking Hype!!!

 Remember a paragraph ago or so when I was talking about that epic Tuesday that I cleared my calendar out for.  Guess what?  I’m not the only person to have that idea.  The Internet is a highly traveled place and there are hundreds if not thousands of sites dedicated to letting everyone know when the surf is firing and where it will be on.  That being the case on that faithful Tuesday when I show up at the crack of dawn (ok, more like after 8ish.  I live in Santa Barbara and have to drive 45 minutes to surf on most occasions) I am not by myself, not even a little.

There will be a guaranteed grip of people looking to get their surf on.  It will be a grand melting pot of the surfing spectrum, the hard core, the pros, the kooks, the valley guys, the weekend warriors taking a day off for a change, photogs and everything in between.  We will all be out there enjoying the same blown out two foot surf.  Then on Wednesday when it was suppose to be down, the surf is sure to be six foot, offshore and barreling.  God bless the great advances in modern surf forecasting.

Forecast or not, the potential to score is out there. The question is what length are you willing to go to find it?

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You Are a Fucking Idiot, but So Am I

Posted in Anger, Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 16, 2011| 12 Comments »

Alright, so I’m dropping a special UCB tonight.  I am also adding an amendment to the UCB rule book as a result of certain recent participants getting a bit out of hand with their suggestions.  I love all the enthusiasm but this is a little bit ridiculous.  Listen up everyone for now on you can only submit 5 UCB Topics in a seven-day period.  It will be seven days from your 5th posting.  For example if you post your 5th suggestion for the period on a Tuesday then you have to wait for that next Tuesday before you can throw down another suggestion.

 

If you break this rule then if I decide to use your UCB topic the points will go to whoever the previous week’s winner was.  So be weary of this and make those topics count cause I am tired of getting Christmas style lists of barely qualified topics.  You also run the risk of me showing up at your house with a sock full of pennies and beating the piss out of you.  With that out of the way Nick the Kook takes the win on a special edition of the UCB and earns 1 point. This is what happens when you throw down too many topics.

 

Here is the shopping list Kook presented me with:

1. hipsters
2. end of the world
3. sharting
4. clogging the toilet
5. pearl necklace
6. surfing really fucking cold water/conditions
7. 5 reasons why Florida sucks
8. worst song youve ever heard
9. the cost of printer ink
10. dumbest ucb that has won

I am going to answer each one of these topics in as concise an answer as possible thus taking them all off the market forever.

 

  1. Hipsters: I don’t really understand the current hipster trend and truth be told I also don’t give a shit about it either.  So they where stupid cloths that are two sizes too small, talk like morons, have bad facial hair and dumb hair cuts.  They also seldom get laid meaning more for me!  P.S.  when I wear jeans that tight every lady and queer in the room is staring at my junk, but those hipster guys must have some of the worlds smallest cocks cause they never have any bulge showing, not that I am a bird watcher, just stating a fact.

 

  1. End of The World:  Some people think the world is going to end in December of next year. I guess only time will tell.  I remember when the world was supposed to end ten years ago back in 1999 with all that y2k bull shit.  Guess what folks, we are still here.  All I can say on this one is that if you live everyday like its your last, take nothing for granted, cherish ever single moment and be the best you can possibly be then I would not worry about it.  Everyone is going to die.  The question is did they really live?

 

  1. Sharting:  Sharting is just plain fucking disgusting.  Everyone has done it at least once in his or her life.  It sucks and can be embarrassing at an inopportune moment, although I suppose there really is no good moment to have a shart happen. For those of you who are more dignified then my Jersey brethren a shart is when you fart and accidentally shit your pants instead.  It’s not a pretty sight.  I once knew this kid I surfed with called Shart because apparently he shit his pants at a party and threw his underwear in the bathroom garbage pail opting to go commando. Next day the kid’s mom of the house Shart was partying at found the nasty ass pair of draws.  He as been Shart ever since.

 

  1. Clogging The Toilet:  These just keep getting better.  I’m very glad for the invention of the toilet.  Before that people took piss and shits in either little bowls and dumped it outside or used a giant human litter box that was kept under the staircase on the first floor of the house.  One complaint I do have is that modern day toilets, especially those good for nothing low flow ones clog easy as hell.  I’m sorry but I only shit about once a day so when it goes down I fill the fucking bowl.  This usually leads to clogging.  Now in my house there is always a plunger right next to the toilet so if you get into said scenario you can get yourself out.  I have been in the homes of others where there was none to be found. Then I find myself pouring water from a cup into the tank to try and add more water pressure.  It becomes a nightmare.  Moral of the story: Keep a plunger in your bathroom or risk being left with a nasty floater. 

5. Pearl Necklace: Wow these are just literally going down the crapper, well not in the case of the last two or even this one for that matter.  I could be an old fart or a square and write about how I think pearls are very sexy when worn by a woman to accompany a formal gown. Alas I know that is not the pearl necklace Kook is talking about. Here is the Urban Dictionary definition of Pearl Necklace: the glorious culmination of tit-fucking, in which you blow your nuts out all over a girl’s tits, shoulders, neck, and, with any luck, chin. one of the highest expressions of love and affection bestowable upon a  woman by a man. I do not agree with this at all.  As a matter of fact I keep my semen to myself and have never blown a load on a chick in my entire life even if I was asked to.  I have too much respect for women in general to do such a feat even if she does not have enough self-respect to know any better.

  1. Surfing Really Cold Water/Conditions:  I grew up in such conditions and have scored some of the best sessions of my life on days most would not even think about coming out from under the covers.  That being said I moved out of that garbage almost five years ago and have not looked back since.  Give me the shitty cold, crowded blown out conditions of Central California any day.

 7. Worst Song I Have Ever Heard:  I don’t know, I have heard a ton of bad songs.  I would have to say just about anything country is the worst song I have ever heard.

 

  1. Five Reasons Florida Sucks:
  1. Rednecks
  2. Old People
  3. Mushy Waves
  4. Portuguese Men of War
  5. Midwestern tourists

 9.The Cost of Printer Ink:  Why is printer ink so expensive?  I mean its ink right.  I think it is because you have to buy those stupid cartridges.  Why cant we just open up a slot and pour in ink like typewriters used to be?  It is all a set up to jack us for more hard earned money.

 

10. Dumbest UCB That Has Ever Won:  I think we have a winner right here.  Congratulations Kook.  That was fucking exhausting.

These guys are sooo cool.

 

Four birds with one stone. Here we have a Florida redneck clogging a toilet after sharting his pants while giving his girlfriend a pearl necklace.

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Pitching A Tent

Posted in Anger, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2011| 2 Comments »

Tell me that does not look like the face of a happy camper? Circa 2006

A fresh quarter in the UCB franchise begins now. Yeah I know its fucking three weeks late into the game.  I’m sorry things have been crazy here in Lisanti Land, both good and bad.  Some amazing things have happened and there will be a blog about it soon.  It’s going to be a long one so bring your attention span.  This first UCB of the season makes of victor of Scotty B, who threw down the topic Camping.  Since I just got back from camping at San Onofre State Beach down in Orange County (see Orange County Can Keep Lowers blog) it seemed like the perfect topic to delve into.  Scotty gets 1.5 points for scoring this incipient blog.

 

I fucking hate camping.  Not even a little bit.  I would rather get hit across the shins with the metal end of a rusty shovel then sleep in a tent.  There is nothing mystical about it.  Its uncomfortable, always either too hot or too cold and for whatever reason more times then not I wake up with so much moisture around me I feel like I am in the rain forest.  The only time I can justify camping is if I am in the middle of nowhere at some beautiful far away outpost where no accommodation exists and the stain of man left far behind.

 

Otherwise you can keep that bullshit.  When I talk about camping a Winnabago does not count.  One can not call pulling up to a spot in the woods in a giant RV that is nicer then my apartment, with a satellite dish on the roof and full kitchen and restroom camping.  I don’t know what to call it.  Maybe just plain dumb.  I hate those fucking things, their bull shit.  You don’t know how many times I have almost been run off the road by some yahoo who has no idea how to drive something of that size?  Too many to count.

 

Unfortunately for a person who can’t stand camping I have spent way way way too many nights in tent sleeping on the ground in my life.  Between budget Hatteras trips, to making my money get me further while competing at pro events to feral surf trips.  Remember, most places will let you pitch a tent for $10 or less.  Shoots I am pitching a tent in my pants for free right now.  If you are really an intrepid soul you can always go off into the bush and squat somewhere in your tent for free.

 

Sindia and I almost did that in Oz along this sketch dirt road in the middle of a national forest there, but after setting up the tent and spending ten minutes we had thoughts of some psycho killer coming out and hacking us to pieces (that was before I wanted to get stabbed).  You want to know what camping means to me?  Aches and pains, dirty, stinky bathrooms, adverse experiences with bugs, out door cold water showers (if they even provide showers), dirt, ghetto cooking, sleep depravation, and usually sickness.  I am not an Indian. I like to have a roof and four walls over my head.

 

Call me a little prissy bitch.  I am sorry but I like to take long luxurious showers (I tap the hot water out 90% of the time), and prim myself.  I don’t like being dirty and there being mud and sand everywhere.  Most of all I like having a bed!  Fuck camping, I will be at the four seasons, although in my case the reality of the situation would be the Holiday Inn.

I think this says it all folks.

Another type of tent pitching.

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Its Over Already!!! (UCB Spring Winners)

Posted in News From Lisanti Land, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 2, 2011| 9 Comments »

Back in 2001 the ASP world tour went down to a shortened season as a result of the horrible attacks of September 11th.  As a result two very important world tour events were canceled and CJ Hobgood took the world title.  Unfortunately for him although having the accolade of claiming a world title his name and accomplishment will always carry a little asterisk next to it indicated that it was not a full year and therefore maybe in the minds of some not a true victory.   I say fuck that CJ is the man and deserved that title no matter.

Usually (for those of you unfamiliar with the UCB) the spring quarter runs from April 1st to June 21nd.  This quarter being I completely dropped the ball, shit I only posted 11 blogs in all of June  (thank you for completely taking over my life FRS) I decided to extend it till July 1st and I made the first blog of the quarter worth double points.  Like I said before and I think if you have been a follower here you know how hard the spring quarter has been for me (if your lost read through the April and May archives).  Im not really going to compare it to a catastrophe like 9-11 was, even though I sort of  did.  But all things considered one could reason 2011 has been a bit crazy and somewhat tragic.

Then again back in January I was thinking how boring Lisanti Land had gotten and started feeling I was becoming a drone like the majority of the population.  Luckily for me that did not happen and I have been granted a “do over” in my life.  I have had three already and each time my life has gotten so much better because of it.  A person really close to me told me they were settling and it was killing her.  Maybe I was just settling too, because I just turned 30 this year, I dont really know.  All I do know is that the 5 year plan, and ten year plan are out the window in exchange for no plan at all.  That is how things used to work in Lisanti Land and life was just fine.  I do have a three year and a long term plan, but those are to be discussed in a later blog (don’t forget the novel is coming along very nicely and I am sure it could be a great work of literature).

Enough about me (damn Chris Lisanti is a narcissistic asshole.  Of course I am that is why I have a blog in the first place!).  Lets get down to our Spring UCB Quarter Winners Circle.  The king for the quarter till dethroned is a first timer, Nick the Kook.  Everyone who reads here regularly knows all about the antics of Nick the Kook and I do believe he is with out a doubt one of the most fun surfingruinedmylife.net personalities.  He takes the cake this quarter even if it will always carry the dreaded asterisk.  Kook at least you and CJ Hobgood can have something in common.  By the way, in case you did not already notice Nick the Kook has his own blog now StayWet.net feel free to check it out.  He promises you wont lose you teeth.  As far as he is concerned on the other hand he never knows how he made out the night before till he smiles in the mirror and gets a count of his pearly whites.

Winners Circle:

Nick the Kook: 4 points*
John Mauriello: 3 points
Kooky Kyle: 1 point

Thank you all for playing, and if did not submit any entries then all I have to say is that your blowing it.  Remember 1st prize is a self expense paid trip to Lisanti Land, which includes but is not limited to at least one crazy night at the Wild Cat.  Now who does not want that? Look how well Kooky made out with his first prize just back in march: Kooky Kyle Speaks Out.  Truth be told win or lose everyone has the opportunity to come hang out in Lisanti Land all they need do is ask.   Thanks again everyone for participating and the rest of you for reading and supporting my crazy whimsical fantasy land to which I reside.

Spring was tough for me, but I promise you the worst is over.  The rest of the summer we will have nothing but good times here at Surfingruinedmylife.net. Ok, Im sure there will be some crying, anger and ranting in there too.  According to my statistics it seems you folks like it when I am dealing with adversity more anyhow.

CJ Hoobgood, one of the best backhands in the business.

Your UCB King of the Quarter ladies and gentlemen.

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I heart PGCBs

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2011| 14 Comments »

Looks like a good one eh? Nope, its a left close-out at Hammonds, a right hand reef break. I could have taken the right but decided otherwise and broke my board.

This is the last UCB of the Spring Quarter.  I know it has been a bit of bullshit quarter, but what the fuck do you want from me.  It’s been the worst few months of my entire life.  Sorry if I missed a few weeks.  At this point 2011 may go down as the shittiest year in the history of Lisanti Land.  God I hate fucking Lisanti Land.  Why can’t I get a vacation from it?

Everyone else gets to visit and leave.  What sucks about being Chris Lisanti is that it’s always Lisanti Land 24/7.  I can’t leave. It’s like being on the fucking Truman Show.  All things considered I guess I should not complain.  I am still alive after all, have my physical health (my mental health went out the window a few weeks ago), there is a roof over my head and I get enough to eat.  Things could be worse I suppose.  They say no one dies from a broken heart, although I would beg to differ.

John Mauriello wins this UCB with the topic PGCB.  I know more then a few readers when they saw his request were thinking “What the fuck does that mean”.  Well PGCB is a term that Scotty B and I coined back in the first round blow out days of our almost “pro” carreers.  The whole movement started courtesy of Ventura Professional Surfer Sean Hayes and his segment in “The Decline of Surfing Civilization: Lost Across America II”.

If you have not seen any of the early 2000 …Lost surf films you are missing out and I highly recommend watching them.    They are some of the gnarliest surf films out there both in surfing and lifestyle.  …Lost single handedly defined the punk rock, “I don’t give a fuck” surfing movement of the mid 2000’s with the production of these films.  I know I personally thrived on them.

There is a segment mid way through the film just about completely filmed in both Ventura and Santa Barbara.  The bulk of it is at some pretty flawless yet excruciatingly crowded Rincon.   Towards the end the segment shows a brief clip of Hayes surfing triple overhead maxed out Ventura Beach break.  He is just pulling into these massive closeout tubes and getting destroyed.

Finally the segment ends with him pulling into a bomb, saluting the beach before getting completely owned.  Watching that as a kid I just thought what a crazy motherfucker, now that I have surfed that spot in the film I have a new respect for his feat.  That place packs a punch when it’s four feet let alone fifteen!  As he is walking back up the beach to the parking lot he says “I don’t know why none one else is out here; there is nothing but Perfectly Good Closed-out Barrels”.  Thus the term PGCB was born, which if you are dense and have not figured it out yet stands for Perfectly Good Closed-out Barrels.

Then I realized that the majority of my favorite surf spots and conditions were nothing more then gnarly, heavy closed-out beach break.  In NJ that was very understandable because that was the case with the bulk of our swells.  Since then I have moved to the land of the right point breaks, Santa Barbara California. Even in such an environment I still have some of my most fun in perfectly good closed out barrels.

I guess there is a certain kind of rush one gets out of pulling into a stupid barrel he knows he is not going to even come close to coming out of.  I know I do.  Plus close outs just have so much more power then regular waves.  All those huge airs and crazy flips you see being done are pulled mostly on heaving closeouts.  That is just the way it is.  I suppose the surfer in me loves point breaks more then any other type of wave in the world, but my heart will always be for the heaviest, most angry, gnarly, back washy stupid close out there is.  Long live the PGCB!

My favorite part about closeouts, airs!

This is the infamous spot where the term and life long search for the PGCB began,on another day that was nothing more then Perfectly Good Closed Out Barrles 🙂

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