Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Anger’ Category

Resourceful Weaponry

Posted in Anger, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2011| 14 Comments »

A few months back some one asked who posted the most worthwhile topics to the UCB.  Well my friends I have to say if it’s not Scotty B then he is definitely in the top three.  Up until his recent suggestion today in my slump of eternal non-motivation nothing really got my fingers in gear on the keyboard.  Luckily Bees came through with a topic might I add that was so great it got me off my ass this very minute.  He asked plain and simply “What is your favorite choice of weapon that is not actually a weapon at all”.

 

I have a few favorites that I would turn to when in a situation where nothing else would do.  Here goes:

 

The Proverbial Prison Shank

 

This is the one weapon everyone should know how to make and use.  Face it, no matter how good of a person one is, he never knows when he may find himself incarcerated.  I once saw this Tom Selleck Movie call An Innocent Man (this was back when I was hooked on late night network television movies.  All I can say is they run some pretty strange ass shit on television at 2am, not to mention the amount of commercial breaks is obscene. Late night television is definitely a whole other blog all together.).  In the film Selleck is minding his own business when these two crooked cops show up at his house instead of the one next door to make a drug bust.  Selleck comes out of the bathroom with a hair dryer.  The cops mistakenly take it for a gun and shoot him.

 

To cover their ass the cops frame Selleck and he goes to prison for five years.  Basically to survive not getting raped in jail he as to shank the biggest meanest black guy there. After getting released from prison he goes and gets revenge on the cops.  It’s got all my favorite elements in a film, revenge, prison and of course Tom Selleck and his bad ass mustache.  I highly recommend checking the movie out.

 

After seeing that movie I decided that would for sure be my prison anal violation survival plan, shank the biggest gnarliest black guy there.  Now in the film Selleck makes his out of a piece of plastic he sharpened while on laundry detail.  As for me I think I will lean towards sharpening my toothbrush.  Remember the key is to break the end off so that there are no fingerprints tracing you back to the murder.  There is nothing worse then having to do another twenty to life, when you should be rewarded for sending a scum of the earth like that into the ground.  Hey, what do I know?  For one thing I just told you how to not get raped in prison.

 

2×4 with Rusty Nails Sticking Out the End

 

Have you ever been hit by a 2×4?  I have and it fucking hurts. Not only is it a contact weapon, but a 2×4 has a little give and flexibility in it thus creating a whip like thrashing.  Add in some rusty nails at the tip and you have a make shift home made mace that will not only slice up your antagonist, but possibly cause them to contract tetanus.  That’s no laughing matter.  Tetanus sucks, once contracted the victim gets lock jaw, swallows his tongue and dies a pretty miserable death.  At the very least he will have to get a tetanus shot and those little fuckers hurt like hell.  Do they really have to inject it right into your bicep?  Last time I got one it hurt for days.  Last word on the 2×4, if it happens to break in half on your opponent you can use the remaining piece as a stake, which may come in handy if the opposition turns out to be vampire.

 

Tire Iron

 

A tire iron is the ultimate weapon when you need something on the fly.  First off if you drive a car then you’re almost always bound to have one available.  Second they are heavy as fuck, adjustable in size, can be used as both a stabbing and bashing device and in most cases can be accurately thrown as well.  In my case cause of the amount of moisture in my trunk thanks to my surfing problem my tire iron is rusty as well and I do believe you just read in the previous item the advantage to rust besides being used to coax Salad Fingers into a lock box.  Final thought on this one.  Its pretty bad ass to say you beat someone with a tire iron.

 

Baseball Bat, Golf Club, Bike Chain with Lock

 

I lumped these three together because in my opinion they are all pretty standard go to weapons in people’s homes that are picked up when self defense is a necessity.  Baseball bats are great weapons.  Metal or graphite do tons of serious damage when wielded correctly and a wood bat if broken over your adversary once again becomes a stake, which also by the way is a great stabbing device.  A golf club is pretty self explanatory, I mean the word “club” is in the name.  My sister hit me with a bike chain straight across the back once in the garage because I was making fun of her.  I can tell you first hand it fucking hurt and left welts on my back for days.

 

Sock Full of Pennies

 

Finally we get to my favorite of the entire ghetto rigged weapons, the sock full of pennies.  It’s the reason “everyone should have a reverse peep hole on their door” (where is that quote from? First person to get it right with the person who said it gets an extra UCB point, half point for either one).  Think about this for a moment. You take a long tube sock and fill it a third of the way with pennies, knot it off at the top of the pennies and go town on your enemy swinging like a banshee.  We are talking black eyes, broken bones, bashed in skull, the works.  It’s easily concealed in your pocket.  When all is said and done burn the sock and spend the pennies, no more evidence.

Ok, this is more of a bum shank then a prison shank.

She may look tough with her wrench, but give me a sock full of pennies and my rusted nail 2x4 and its on.

Read Full Post »

Oh No…The Power of Ten for August!

Posted in Anger, Deep Thoughts, Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , on August 19, 2011| 6 Comments »

Nick the Kook gets two points towards his UCB tally this quarter by wining this month’s Power of Ten, a new monthly bonus UCB segment here at surfingruinedmylife.net.  It was between him and Kooky, but Kooky’s topics were just for the most part too involved, many good enough for a stand alone blog.  Sorry Kooky, so sorry.  If your lost on what this is, basically you throw down ten one word or phrase topics and once a month I will pick one list and write a short answer style blog on each.  Only one list of ten per reader, per month please.  The Power of ten is worth two points.

1. Before We Had Cell Phones: I love cell phones. I think they are a great invention at the same time they piss off the fuck out of me.  I really hate the fact that anyone can get in touch with me anywhere at any given time and even worse they know that if I don’t answer more times then not I am blowing them off.  There was a time only about 10 to 12 years ago when cell phones were a rarity set aside for FBI agents and movie stars.  Back then calls to me sometimes went not returned for weeks.  Ahh, the good old days.

2.  People That Sing Too Much:  I don’t really know what this is pertaining to.  I mean Kook sings way to fucking much.  The guy always has some tune going in the water, in the car, walking down the street.  Fucking choirboy, which team are you playing for chief?  Then again I do my share of singing too.

3.  Should Kooky Get a Blog?:  Why shouldn’t he.  Everyone else I know seems to have one these days.  That is the beauty of the new bloging craze, any idiot can give his two cents on the internet and publish that bullshit for anyone to read.  Kind of like this website here, man that Chris Lisanti is a moron, I wish some one could put an end to his terrible blog.  But no one can. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

4.  Dutch Oven: I used to have a Dutch Oven. I bought it at yard sale for like $12 bucks.  I cooked so much good shit  it was not even funny.  They are basically giant cast iron crock-pots.  Then one day I put it under the sink while it was still red hot and it cracked.  I was super bummed out.

5.  Surfing Naked: I have never done it.  Personally it seems to me that with all the wax and what not it would be a rather adverse experience.  There is this story about this crazy surfer from back in NJ, super devote hard core guy, and one hell of a wave rider.  As the story goes he had just got out of the water at Gunnerson’s, an incredible sand bottom right hand point when its on (this day it was on!) and was changing on the beach.  He saw the set of the day rolling in from way up the point.  Instead of admiring the perfection of the place from the beach this dude ripped off his towel and jumped back into the water, paddling into position just in time.  Turns out he got the wave of the day completely buck naked, getting barreled twice.  I guess it is all right since Gunny’s is a nude beach anyway.

6.  Organic Wax: Organic Wax sucks.  It does not stick to your board and does an even worse job of sticking to your feet.  Give me good old carnauba wax any day.

7.  Voting:  I don’t Vote.  I believe I address this issue every election day.  Long story short I don’t watch the news, don’t follow politics, have for the most part decided one useless liar is as good as the next one and until a candidate comes along I actually believe in I shall not cast a vote in any direction.  And yes I know that I am part of the problem.

8.  Best Cereal:  Hands down it’s Honey Bunches of Oats, any variety, although I find the original to be my favorite.  If I had to pick a second it is cinnamon toast crunch, but eating that every day would kill me.  Where as I feel Honey Bunches of Oats is at the very least a tad healthier?

9.  Income Taxes:  I like indirect taxes.  Sure I get mad every paycheck when it is like $100 bucks or so less then it ought to be.  At the same time I would much rather it that way then have to be responsible for figuring out how much I owe at the end of each month or year and save for it.  Plus I make so little money and live so far below the level of poverty that I get a full refund every year anyhow.

10.  First Website I Visit Other Then This Site and The Book: First site, the one my computer home page is set to is surfline.com.  The first and foremost priority in my life is knowing when and where my waves are at.  Not to mention keep up with the global surf gossip.

The exciting world of cooking with a Dutch Oven

Gunnerson’s on a small day. Just look at the potential of that point.

Read Full Post »

Fiesta 2011 Ole!

Posted in Anger, Life, News From Lisanti Land, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on August 10, 2011| 9 Comments »

Every year Santa Barbara throws a giant five day/night street party downtown for Fiesta.  It is basically our version of Mardi Gras, although we celebrate pretty hard for the real one in March too.  Ok, lets face it, Santa Barbara can celebrate a Wednesday hard.  It does not take much of an excuse to get this town made up of a majority of alcoholics to break it down.

Fiesta is the end all be all for the SB party scene.  A few years back there was this gang shooting down there.  I was trashed and just remember people stampeding past me screaming and yelling.  Then some cop tackled me screaming, “You have to get out of here its not safe”.  I was laughing the entire time.  There are some situations in life where being a bit faded works to one’s advantage or in my case a lot of bit faded.

After that year I took a few off from Fiesta.  During those years apparently there were stabbings and other gang related issues. Also ever since the shooting the town has stepped up they’re game having police everywhere.  The place looks like it is under marshal law.   It is definitely better then the alternative when the gangs used to always ruin everything.

First Night

This year being that my new roommate had never experienced a Fiesta before I felt it my personal duty to show the guy a fun time.  I had just got out of a three hour band rehearsal and for whatever reason felt like a night of heavy drinking.  I got home busted out the handle of rum in my freezer and emptied it.  Then on the walk down I stopped by JJ’s this ghetto ass liquor store and filled my pockets with eight little airplane bottles of Sailor Jerry’s.

I gave my Roommate, Nick, two and downed the rest through out the night.  By 11pm I was gone, so drunk.  I found myself stumbling around the Presidio, lost Nick, ran into my friend Ryan from OC and some other guys I used to roll with and was dragged into the beer Garden.  After that I have no recollection of anything else that happened.  I thought I was gone for 15 minutes, only later to be informed by Nick that I went missing for nearly two hours.  I find a good black out on occasion to be invigorating.

Saturday Night Lets have a Bar Fight!

 Nick wanted to roll out and try to meet up this chick he thought he could score with.  I had my doubts, but having nothing better to do I accompanied him downtown.  I had some friends at Dargan’s and figured I would just mossie over there.  State St. was packed full of people.  I can’t remember the last time I saw the place so busy.  Every club and bar was hopping.  Nick and I cruised around a bit before going our separate ways.

I went into Dargan’s only to find out that one of my friends swooped and was gone already and my remaining two were over it and going home.  They got me a drink in their haste to leave as a consolation prize, A Jack and Coke, c’mon people for an extra UCB half point: What is the official drink of Lisanti Land and for another half point what is my preferred brand?  First person to get the right answer in the comments wins.  Then I was about to leave myself when some random guy handed me a beer and said he had an extra one cause his bud split.  I am never one to look a free drink in the mouth, let alone two.

Dargan’s is an Irish pub and definitely not my scene, but on this night there was this crazy funk band playing.  The group was five pieces plus two horns, all black guys, so you know the shit was authentic.  I was super into it and after I finished my beer got down on the dance floor.  Nothing is better then a night of good music and dancing.

I was having a blast doing my dance thing when this huge black lady decides to get up in there with me.  Now I have no prejudice when I’m getting my groove on just as long as you can keep up.  All of a sudden this big black guy grabs her arm and says “Marla what you doin?!?”.  She yells “leave it be Leroy” turns and slaps him in the face.  I busted out laughing, which further exacerbated the situation causing Leroy to swing at me.

I ducked, although a bit intoxicated my wits were still about me.  The intended assault caught the Mexican dude dancing with his lady behind me right in the side of the face.  He was none to happy about this.  In retaliation he lunged at Leroy pushing me aside.  They went at it pretty hardcore.  One of Leroy’s buddies came to his aid and two other Mexican guys jumped in to help out their boy.

Next thing I know I was standing right smack in the middle of a good old fashioned bar room brawl.  People were screaming and running out the doors. Drinks were dropped, the band stopped playing and yelled for security, who could not get through the panicking crowd.  What was I doing through all this you ask?  Mostly laughing my head off and drinking whatever un-spilt cocktails that were jettisoned in everyone’s frantic sprint for the door.  I guess everyone expected another shooting.  A fight between Mexicans and blacks can only mean trouble after all.

It was hilarious.  I full on accidentally started a bar fight. Yet did not throw one punch or get hit.  Finally the cops came rushing in and arrested everyone involved.  Luckily by that point I had slinked off into the shadows and out of sight.  Security cleared the place. The band counted off and stuck another groove.  All was well. I jumped back on the floor and enjoyed the rest of my night.  The best thing was that I had just recently told Nick that I really wanted to get into a good old fashioned bar room brawl.  Check that one off the list! That my friends is how you step in shit and come out smelling like roses.  If you are going to get into a bar fight it might as well be in an Irish bar even if it involved two black guys, three Mexicans and one ridiculous Italian.  No Irish necessary.  Sounds like the whole ordeal could have been the punchline for some bad racist joke.

Read Full Post »

You Are a Fucking Idiot, but So Am I

Posted in Anger, Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 16, 2011| 12 Comments »

Alright, so I’m dropping a special UCB tonight.  I am also adding an amendment to the UCB rule book as a result of certain recent participants getting a bit out of hand with their suggestions.  I love all the enthusiasm but this is a little bit ridiculous.  Listen up everyone for now on you can only submit 5 UCB Topics in a seven-day period.  It will be seven days from your 5th posting.  For example if you post your 5th suggestion for the period on a Tuesday then you have to wait for that next Tuesday before you can throw down another suggestion.

 

If you break this rule then if I decide to use your UCB topic the points will go to whoever the previous week’s winner was.  So be weary of this and make those topics count cause I am tired of getting Christmas style lists of barely qualified topics.  You also run the risk of me showing up at your house with a sock full of pennies and beating the piss out of you.  With that out of the way Nick the Kook takes the win on a special edition of the UCB and earns 1 point. This is what happens when you throw down too many topics.

 

Here is the shopping list Kook presented me with:

1. hipsters
2. end of the world
3. sharting
4. clogging the toilet
5. pearl necklace
6. surfing really fucking cold water/conditions
7. 5 reasons why Florida sucks
8. worst song youve ever heard
9. the cost of printer ink
10. dumbest ucb that has won

I am going to answer each one of these topics in as concise an answer as possible thus taking them all off the market forever.

 

  1. Hipsters: I don’t really understand the current hipster trend and truth be told I also don’t give a shit about it either.  So they where stupid cloths that are two sizes too small, talk like morons, have bad facial hair and dumb hair cuts.  They also seldom get laid meaning more for me!  P.S.  when I wear jeans that tight every lady and queer in the room is staring at my junk, but those hipster guys must have some of the worlds smallest cocks cause they never have any bulge showing, not that I am a bird watcher, just stating a fact.

 

  1. End of The World:  Some people think the world is going to end in December of next year. I guess only time will tell.  I remember when the world was supposed to end ten years ago back in 1999 with all that y2k bull shit.  Guess what folks, we are still here.  All I can say on this one is that if you live everyday like its your last, take nothing for granted, cherish ever single moment and be the best you can possibly be then I would not worry about it.  Everyone is going to die.  The question is did they really live?

 

  1. Sharting:  Sharting is just plain fucking disgusting.  Everyone has done it at least once in his or her life.  It sucks and can be embarrassing at an inopportune moment, although I suppose there really is no good moment to have a shart happen. For those of you who are more dignified then my Jersey brethren a shart is when you fart and accidentally shit your pants instead.  It’s not a pretty sight.  I once knew this kid I surfed with called Shart because apparently he shit his pants at a party and threw his underwear in the bathroom garbage pail opting to go commando. Next day the kid’s mom of the house Shart was partying at found the nasty ass pair of draws.  He as been Shart ever since.

 

  1. Clogging The Toilet:  These just keep getting better.  I’m very glad for the invention of the toilet.  Before that people took piss and shits in either little bowls and dumped it outside or used a giant human litter box that was kept under the staircase on the first floor of the house.  One complaint I do have is that modern day toilets, especially those good for nothing low flow ones clog easy as hell.  I’m sorry but I only shit about once a day so when it goes down I fill the fucking bowl.  This usually leads to clogging.  Now in my house there is always a plunger right next to the toilet so if you get into said scenario you can get yourself out.  I have been in the homes of others where there was none to be found. Then I find myself pouring water from a cup into the tank to try and add more water pressure.  It becomes a nightmare.  Moral of the story: Keep a plunger in your bathroom or risk being left with a nasty floater. 

5. Pearl Necklace: Wow these are just literally going down the crapper, well not in the case of the last two or even this one for that matter.  I could be an old fart or a square and write about how I think pearls are very sexy when worn by a woman to accompany a formal gown. Alas I know that is not the pearl necklace Kook is talking about. Here is the Urban Dictionary definition of Pearl Necklace: the glorious culmination of tit-fucking, in which you blow your nuts out all over a girl’s tits, shoulders, neck, and, with any luck, chin. one of the highest expressions of love and affection bestowable upon a  woman by a man. I do not agree with this at all.  As a matter of fact I keep my semen to myself and have never blown a load on a chick in my entire life even if I was asked to.  I have too much respect for women in general to do such a feat even if she does not have enough self-respect to know any better.

  1. Surfing Really Cold Water/Conditions:  I grew up in such conditions and have scored some of the best sessions of my life on days most would not even think about coming out from under the covers.  That being said I moved out of that garbage almost five years ago and have not looked back since.  Give me the shitty cold, crowded blown out conditions of Central California any day.

 7. Worst Song I Have Ever Heard:  I don’t know, I have heard a ton of bad songs.  I would have to say just about anything country is the worst song I have ever heard.

 

  1. Five Reasons Florida Sucks:
  1. Rednecks
  2. Old People
  3. Mushy Waves
  4. Portuguese Men of War
  5. Midwestern tourists

 9.The Cost of Printer Ink:  Why is printer ink so expensive?  I mean its ink right.  I think it is because you have to buy those stupid cartridges.  Why cant we just open up a slot and pour in ink like typewriters used to be?  It is all a set up to jack us for more hard earned money.

 

10. Dumbest UCB That Has Ever Won:  I think we have a winner right here.  Congratulations Kook.  That was fucking exhausting.

These guys are sooo cool.

 

Four birds with one stone. Here we have a Florida redneck clogging a toilet after sharting his pants while giving his girlfriend a pearl necklace.

Read Full Post »

Pitching A Tent

Posted in Anger, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2011| 2 Comments »

Tell me that does not look like the face of a happy camper? Circa 2006

A fresh quarter in the UCB franchise begins now. Yeah I know its fucking three weeks late into the game.  I’m sorry things have been crazy here in Lisanti Land, both good and bad.  Some amazing things have happened and there will be a blog about it soon.  It’s going to be a long one so bring your attention span.  This first UCB of the season makes of victor of Scotty B, who threw down the topic Camping.  Since I just got back from camping at San Onofre State Beach down in Orange County (see Orange County Can Keep Lowers blog) it seemed like the perfect topic to delve into.  Scotty gets 1.5 points for scoring this incipient blog.

 

I fucking hate camping.  Not even a little bit.  I would rather get hit across the shins with the metal end of a rusty shovel then sleep in a tent.  There is nothing mystical about it.  Its uncomfortable, always either too hot or too cold and for whatever reason more times then not I wake up with so much moisture around me I feel like I am in the rain forest.  The only time I can justify camping is if I am in the middle of nowhere at some beautiful far away outpost where no accommodation exists and the stain of man left far behind.

 

Otherwise you can keep that bullshit.  When I talk about camping a Winnabago does not count.  One can not call pulling up to a spot in the woods in a giant RV that is nicer then my apartment, with a satellite dish on the roof and full kitchen and restroom camping.  I don’t know what to call it.  Maybe just plain dumb.  I hate those fucking things, their bull shit.  You don’t know how many times I have almost been run off the road by some yahoo who has no idea how to drive something of that size?  Too many to count.

 

Unfortunately for a person who can’t stand camping I have spent way way way too many nights in tent sleeping on the ground in my life.  Between budget Hatteras trips, to making my money get me further while competing at pro events to feral surf trips.  Remember, most places will let you pitch a tent for $10 or less.  Shoots I am pitching a tent in my pants for free right now.  If you are really an intrepid soul you can always go off into the bush and squat somewhere in your tent for free.

 

Sindia and I almost did that in Oz along this sketch dirt road in the middle of a national forest there, but after setting up the tent and spending ten minutes we had thoughts of some psycho killer coming out and hacking us to pieces (that was before I wanted to get stabbed).  You want to know what camping means to me?  Aches and pains, dirty, stinky bathrooms, adverse experiences with bugs, out door cold water showers (if they even provide showers), dirt, ghetto cooking, sleep depravation, and usually sickness.  I am not an Indian. I like to have a roof and four walls over my head.

 

Call me a little prissy bitch.  I am sorry but I like to take long luxurious showers (I tap the hot water out 90% of the time), and prim myself.  I don’t like being dirty and there being mud and sand everywhere.  Most of all I like having a bed!  Fuck camping, I will be at the four seasons, although in my case the reality of the situation would be the Holiday Inn.

I think this says it all folks.

Another type of tent pitching.

Read Full Post »

Lets Learn All About the Lurk!!!! :(

Posted in Anger, Deep Thoughts, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2011| 4 Comments »

Well this morning we have a very special UCB for all you little kiddies out there in cyber world.  John Mauriello wins this week or I guess it really should have been last week, but I dont really give a fuck cause its my shitty ass blog and I will do what I want to.  Anyway he asked about my new found passion for lurking.  Sure he posted it about a month ago, but it was very appropriate to the situation.  If this is a bit incoherent it is because I have a little bit of the bad medicine in me (rum).

I think first off I will start with the dictionary meaning for lurking and it reads as such: ” to lie or wait in concealment, as a person in ambush; remain in or around a place secretly or furtively”.  If that is what dictionary lurking is let me explain what Lisanti lurking is. Its really grand and super classy.  It also follows the same principles as the above definition.

Lurking is the derogatory name I deem to going out to the bar, club, party or any place for that matter with the sole purpose to pick up a chick and fuck her.  After which you will never see her again and most likely never even have gotten her name.  Don’t you know that is the best way to interact with your fellow humans of the opposite sex, especially ones you should be looking to pair up with and spend the rest of your life with.  At least in the animal kingdom the male just flat out rapes the female and gets it over with.

No, as humans we find ourselves more then superior to our four legged foes.  Instead we use our cunning intelligence to out smart the female using a combination of looks, intelligence and of course alcohol to achieve such desired results.  In all respect the female does the same.  Fuck she is probably a more ruthless predator then a man.  At least men are for the most part obvious about their intentions.  Women on the other hand act all innocent, nice and decent.  Then once you give them your heart they turn around and fuck you over.  That is because every last one of them is nothing more then a filthy stinking whore.  Fellow males out there if you have a girlfriend, fiance,  or wife and think she is happy guess again.  If she has not fucked some guy behind your back yet, well she probably will later.  Especially if you treat her well.

Here is how a lurk works.  I get dressed up in my best cloths and I go out to the bar.  Immediately upon entering I case the place out to see what talent lies with in.  Then I figure out the game plan that will work best for me to prey on some unsuspecting female counter part.  End goal: to get her back to my place where I can hopefully objectify her by fucking the shit out her all night with out ever getting her name or caring to learn a thing about her. If I can get her out of my house in time for a mid day surf  and never see or hear from her again even better.

How is that achieved, by saying and doing whatever it takes to make it happen.  Your kind of a con-artist.  If you have a good wing man then you most likely have an entire repertoire down.  It is like when lions hunt they pick out the weakest zebra in the heard coax it out and then nab it.  When you lurk you find your mark and basically do the same with out the eating alive part, unless your some kind of psycho killer.

Yeah I claim to be a gentleman, but I guess that is a load of bull shit!  I’m just a mother fucking scum bag like every one else out there trying to get mine before it gets me.  Except there is one catch I don’t lurk anymore.  I cant lurk anymore.  As a matter of fact it makes me nauseous even to think about such a thing.  I find that to be a funny fact because I used to thrive on such an act.

No, I think I’m fucking done.  I had my time and it passed.  I don’t want to lurk.  I don’t want to drink.  I don’t want to feel terrible anymore.  I’m tired and I wish my time here would end.  For some reason I cant die.  Believe me I have tried and wished, but here I am still breathing air.  I can not take my own life cause that would be too simple, but why cant I have peace?  Do I not deserve serenity.   I am exasperated with jumping through hoops.  Maybe I will just move up into the pacific northwest in the hills and become a recluse.

I have had everything I could ever have wanted in life already.  Then I lost it.  I don’t want anything else.  Why can’t you see how wrong this life is that you created for us.  I know your not happy. Stop lying to yourself and be what you always told me you were. My faith in humanity was small when I met you and now after it has diminished even more.  Fuck everyone.  I’m over  all of you and your shit.  Stop laughing at me cause its not funny.  It never has been.  While you laugh I cry.  Thats how its been my whole life.

What the fuck more do you want from me?  What more do I have to prove? How much more suffering should I have to endure?

Read Full Post »

Once Upon A Mattress: Great Moments In Ghetto Rigging

Posted in Anger, News From Lisanti Land, tagged , , , , , , , on May 12, 2011| 1 Comment »

Thats pure skill right there baby. Look at that too close for comfort head clearance.

This could really be a prime candidate for a Story Behind the Photo Blog, but I like to save those for older photos as more of a hindsight type of scenario. No, this is a story on how to stack a full size mattress and box spring on the roof of a two door Honda Civic with nothing more then a blanket, a set of tie downs and some very old and weathered FCS soft racks.  If you remember back to the Bowing Out blog I was living on my friend Lindsay’s couch last week.

Well this week I for reasons of pure comfort and logic decided to move back into my own apartment despite my current odd ball situation there.  Its a two bedroom and I figured I could just move back into my old room.  Sure its tiny, but I always found a smaller space safer anyhow.  Its like a little fort in here.  As a matter of fact I am sitting behind a wall of pillows and blankets I built for security right now.  Yeah you guessed it the thread my sanity had once clung to has been completely severed.  Shit if you only knew what I was attempting to do right now you would really think I was a prime candidate for the funny farm.  That is a blog to be written a bit later when I see how things play out.

Moving back in required I get another bed.  Being the gentleman I am, I let my ex-girlfriend/friend/roommate/other?? (yeah its complicated at the moment) keep my bed.  I found a haggard ass full size bed on craigslist for $50 bucks.  It was hardly worth twenty, but being lazy I talked him down to $40 and was on my way.  Back in the days of Cory my retarded craigslist furniture endeavors worked out a bit easier courtesy of his pick up truck.  These days as is proof from the above photo I have to do a bit more improvising.

Luckily this bed was only about a mile or so from my apartment, but it was both up and down hills with a strong cross wind.  I put two 12 foot tie downs together and two FCS soft racks and was somehow able latch the thing to my roof.  The dude I bought the mattress from was pretty amazed by my resourcefulness.  I found the whole incident rather comical.  Some how I managed to get the thing home and in one piece.  Mission accomplished although I guess the true accomplishment would have been not having to get another bed in the first place.

Read Full Post »

Pipe Calamity

Posted in Anger, Life, News From Lisanti Land, tagged , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2011| 2 Comments »

It was three pm when I found myself hopelessly up to my ankles in soapy shit water from my neighbor upstairs and virtually up the creak with out a paddle.  As I sat there trying to bail the water out with a cracked basin all I could think was man not again.  Talk about history repeating itself when I was in a similar position just over a year ago.  How did this happen?

On Wednesday night the water was draining in my kitchen sink very slowly.  On further inspection the bathroom sinks were all backed up as well.   Common sense recites that there must be a clog in the line.  Thursday morning I get home from class  at 9am and both bathroom sinks and kitchen sink were full of dirty refuse.  I busted out my amateur plumbing skills, took off the grease trap under the sink and let the water out.  Then after checking the obvious areas a clog could form I got out my snake and began feeding it down the pipes.  I have a 1/2″ manual 25′ long snake.  I got it three quarters of the way down the pipes and still no sign of the snag.

All the while my hands are black in sewage and the problem not rectified.   After watching some videos and reading up on the topic of unclogging drains I get the hair brained idea that I should go out and get my hands on a snake I can attach to my drill making feeding down the pipes easier.  The internet is an amazing source of information and a great tool, but a little knowledge in the wrongs hand can be a very dangerous thing.  This was exactly the case for me.

Leaving my kitchen sink in pieces I ran out to the hardware store to buy this stupid contraption thinking the whole time how smart I was.  Thirty bucks later I got home, snake and drill in hand.  As I was attaching the two together I heard the noise of a shower.  My upstairs neighbor had just got home from work and jumped in the shower.  Initially I thought nothing of this.  Five minutes later a heap of disgusting second hand shower water started pouring out of my piping all over my kitchen floor.

I thought I was in a bad episode of “I Love Lucy” or something as I attempted to catch the water in an oversized cereal bowl and dump it into a twenty gallon bucket.  Meanwhile the whole time attempting to keep my two cats from drinking the dirty water.  Then I grabbed this old basin that had been sitting outside my apartment for an undisclosed amount of time and ingeniously put it under the pipe to catch the water while I began to run the snake down the pipe.

While in the process of this I noticed my feet wet. Turns out that basin had a huge crack in the bottom allowing the water to escape as fast as it filled.  It was at that point where I admitted defeat.  My hands were  black as night, my clothes covered in dirt and shit water.  I put the sink back together and called the building maintenance department.  They showed up about half an hour later, took one look at my beaten dirty self, laughed told me I should have called them in the first place and busted out an industrial snake.  The clog ended up being 45 feet down the line meaning there was no way I was ever going to get to it anyway.

End result I wasted the entire day on a Don Quixote dragon slaying, neglecting a full schedule of ding repair and plenty of homework to finish.  When the fiasco was finally competed and I gave the place and myself a sound cleaning (I still feel dirty as all hell and the amount of bacteria that most likely found its way into my body through the many open cuts on my hands is too alarming to think about.  What I can say is that my hands have been a bit on the swollen side since.  If I die from some crazy bacterial infection you will know why).  All said and done I figured there was no better way to wash off the hassle of the day then a good surf, but as I was headed for the door I got a phone call from my boss over at Westmont.  He wanted me to come in to work the night shift.

Thats eight hours of time and half baby, God bless overtime.  How could I say no?  I would have to be a fool.  I traded a shitty grovel session at Mesa Lane for some Benjamins in my pocket.  Car payments are not getting any cheaper and I got a phone call from my landlord today claiming they wanted to charge me for the plumbing work.  I attempted to explain about the shared line with my neighbors and therefore it could not be traced back to me personally.  This point may or may not have registered.  Only time will tell my friends.  Either way Im sure it will make a fun filled blog.

Read Full Post »

Finding Flaws

Posted in Anger, Deep Thoughts, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 5, 2011| 3 Comments »

This week’s UCB is taken by Brennan with the topic “What is your worst character flaw?”  Well like his, I would love it to be that “I was everyone’s unrealized dream”, but unfortunately I am more like most peoples unrealized nightmare.  Enough on that, we are not here to explore that aspect of who I am.  That can be saved for some other blog some other time.

My biggest character flaw, well actually there are two and I will cover both here.  Lets start with the most obvious, MY ANGER!!!!!!! Face the facts I am an angry person, very angry, borderline sociopath.  How I have made it this far not being institutionalized be it prison or asylum is beyond me.  I think my high level of intelligence is the only thing that has kept form spending the bulk of my days behind a wall of glass.

In all seriousness I have an anger problem.   Everyone who has spent more then 24 hours with me can attest to that.  Sometimes all it takes is twenty minutes depending on the situation.  There is an “anger” category to the right of this blog for surfingruinedmylife.net.  If you click on the link I think there are easily over a dozen blogs there on everything from getting into a street fight to ranting about using apostrophes.

I don’t really know why I am so angry.  I had a very privileged life.  My parents loved me and provided for me.  I had a few childhood pets.  Its not like I was some gangster from the hood who was constantly getting kicked back into the gutter.  All I can blame it on is years of malicious ridicule from imbeciles because I was and still am different from them and see things differently.

Im not just one of those angry people who bottle it all up inside eventually either having a breakdown or climbing up on the roof of their house with an AK-47 and taking out the neighbors.  I am one of those people who act out on every initial angry impulse I have.  I threw a desk at my 8th grade math teacher because he made a joke in class at my expense.  I can flare up rather easily.  Brennan the bearer of this internet literary feast (or lack there of) you are reading can attest to that.

It is true that in my old age I have calmed down tons.  When I was in my late teens early twenties I would chase down some one on the road and try to fight them for beeping their car horn at me, even if I was in the wrong.  Keep in mind at 5’9 and 150lbs soaking wet get my ass kicked in a fight situation more times then not.  Sure there are still moments of ridiculous road rage for proof on that read about the Caesar Chavez Incident in the blog “Flying off the Handle”.  There are plenty of surf line up altercations, but in my defense I rarely lash out first unless the other surfer is being a real bone head.  Shit, if a person is being a total jackass it is our responsibility as good citizens of the earth to put them down, vigilantly style especially where surfing is concerned.

I have been making the greatest efforts possible to control my anger and it is probably down to only about four to six outrageous blowups of rage a month.  I used have that amount happen in one day.  My goal is to one day only have that many disruptions a year (maybe before I die?  Then again with out my fits of rage this blog would be a bore. Damn catch 22).  My other Character flaw is that I live in a fantasy world, but then again that could also be my greatest character trait depending on whom you talk to. That being the case Im not about to get into it here.  Since Im still an angry person be sure to not be on the receiving end to my stick because if your smaller then me, like maybe a midget or a sickly child I will fuck you up!

Im so mad I cant even open my right eye.

The future accommodations to be provided for me courtesy of a fit of rage taken too far.

I dont know what this fucking thing is but I will wipe that stupid smile right off of its face.

Fuck you Gary Coleman I will kick your little ass.

Read Full Post »

Nick the Kook Receives a Hay Maker

Posted in Anger, Surfing, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2011| 6 Comments »

Ridiculously moronic acts of localism in California and my adverse experiences with it has been a reoccuring theme here on SurfingRuinedMyLife.net.  It seems every time we have a fresh instance the ante always gets taken up a notch.  Well today my friends I witnessed at the expense of Nick the Kook one of the most asinine acts of localism ever.  It all went down during a shitty, crowded, closed out sunset session at Pitas Point.

Forecasted  swells out here are always a shit show, the situation becomes even more exacerbated when they fall on a weekend and during a wave starved winter.  All of these entities came into play on this fateful day.  After a great morning session at Rincon (see surf log for more on that) we came back to town and chilled out for a little bit, enjoyed a splendid lunch at the Habit (the best mother fucking burger joint in the world), had an audience with renowned shaper Jason Feist of J7 surfboards, and closed my bank account at the worlds biggest collection of economical rapists Chase Bank.  Things were shaping out to be a remarkable day.

Then it all went so bad so fast.  Expecting a shitty crowd everywhere we headed out with very low expectations.  Rincon had over 200 people, Little Rincon was packed, Hobsons was crowded.  Pitas had a good crowd but over looking around we resolved on giving it a paddle.  Originally I was all for taking a nap in the car while Nick surfed, but then I saw some nuggy looking walls racing through the lower section of the point.

We get out there and with in the first ten minutes of the session I look back and I see Nick paddling for a stretched out one.  I knew he wasnt going to get far but let him play it out.  I guess this old guy in his late sixties, total geriatric was paddling for the same wave but a little farther down the ling.  Nick as he was about to stand up for the wave got sandwiched between his board and the old guy’s.  Before Kook got a chance to get free (all the while the wave peels by unridden) the old guy wound up and cracked Nick the Kook in the back of the head with an opened palmed Hay Maker!! A mother fucking open palmed hay maker!!!!! Who does that kind of aquamarine assault?

I will tell who: Old salty guys who are no longer able to keep up with the pack as a result of their withered body and take their frustration out upon others they feel to be weaker then them.  All I see is nick rubbing his head completely dumbfounded while the old guy is yelling at him.  “You must be from down South trying to pull a bullshit move like that.  Your from LA are’net you? Well Im from here”.  Nick completely confused and slightly maimed mumbled an apology and paddled over to me.

Initially I wanted to go get the guy and smash his face with a cobble stone, but then not being a person of value at Pitas and him knowing most of the other geriatrics out there we would have been ran out of the water and then embarrassingly had our asses kicked by a bunch of guys who were most likely sporting false teeth and Viagra.   Needless to say we let it go.  Poor Nick ended up with a ruined session and a nasty dent in the top of his head.  I felt bad for him but in another light found it to be one of the funner Nick the Kook and Chris Lisanti Misadventures to go down.

Below is a dramatized photo re-enactment of what went down:
(The part of the old man is played by Chris Lisanti, Nick as himself)

"Go back to LA Kook!"

"Go back to LA Kook!"

Smack!!!

"Why would you do such a thing"

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »