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Essential Packing

Posted in Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , on March 30, 2011| 6 Comments »

This will be the second to last UCB of the winter quarter, the final one being this week’s.  The double points blog is still up for grabs since I have yet to see a topic worth while.  That means there are still potentially three points up for grabs making it anyone’s game against the untouchable Kooky Kyle.   Nick the Kook wins this week with a topic he posted about a month or so ago asking what I thought to be the most important items to pack for a surf trip.  This is a question I have been asked by many people on different occasions and that being the case decided it is about time to put it here for all to benefit from.

The most important thing to do before even considering what to bring is doing a bit of research on the place you intend to visit.  Im not just talking internet and surf guides for information. Those are great.  Before I go anywhere I always like to get in touch with someone who has been to the destination before.  There is no advice better then first hand.  In todays global surf world where traversing the world in search of the best waves has become as easy as scratching your ass one does not have to look to far to find someone who has been to a place you want to go.

The facts on a potential surf trip are crucial to packing the correct gear.  Basically its a tool box, like I said a while back in the blog about building the perfect quiver (click here for that gem of knowledge), you put the right tools in to get the job done.  Questions you should ask are

  1. What is the weather/water temp
  2. What is the average surf height for the season I am traveling
  3. How big will I surf it, how hard do I want to charge?
  4. Are surf shops readily available?
  5. What type of accommodations will I be staying in?
  6. What is the airline’s surfboard travel policy?
  7. Does the country Im traveling to tax surfboards?
  8. Is there reef and if so how sharp?
  9. What health issues should I be prepared for?
  10. Is medical help easily found?
  11. How long am I going to be traveling?

These questions are super important to take into consideration.    Depending on the weather that will determine what type and range of clothing to bring.  If you are going to a tropical climate then your looking at a few pairs of baggies and t-shirts.  If your going to Ireland you will probably want to pack your warm clothes.  The same goes with wet suits.   In may opinion if your are going someplace that requires a suit bring two.  Having a dry wettie is invaluable when your contemplating a second or third session and conditions are less then desirable.

Remember you are traveling to surf and that means surfing as much as possible.   It always blows my mind when people go on surf trips and barely put in one session a day.  When I go on a surf trip thats all I do is surf.  As a  matter of fact I think the only time Im not surfing is for meals and traveling from one surf spot to the next.

Questions 2 through 7 are key for determining how many what types of boards you should bring.  Back when I was traveling all the time in most cases you could get away with a coffin filled with 5-6 boards for no more then $100 bucks each way  and that was considered getting raped.  These days if you can get one way with two boards for under $200 your thanking your lucky stars.  That is why picking the right boards is really important.

Thanks to great advances in surf forecasting you can get a rather accurate five day surf report, and a semi accurate 8-10 day report for just about every location in the world.  If your only going to a place for seven days and the forecast is not calling for anything bigger then six foot I would leave the guns at home and maybe bring a fish.  I spent more energy lugging big boards all over the place only to have them in the corner of my hotel room collecting dust.  I had a 6’6 Merrick step up that I think went on about four different trips with me and I only rode the thing once and that was because I broke all my other boards.

These days if I know the place I am going has plenty of surf shops and no shortage of  boards I only bring two or three boards the most.  If I am going to place like California or Australia where there are more surfboards then people I would consider not bringing any boards at all and just buying what I need used there.  With the exuberant board fees right now it costs about the same anyway, but with out the hassle of lugging around a bulky heavy board bag.  Its fun to ride boards shaped for the place your visiting and get a new take on surfboard design.  If your not a charger dont bother bringing a gun, most places in the world have spots that are always fun no matter how big the buoys are reading.

Once again if surf shops are readily available like Oz or Cali I dont bring extra gear.  Why schlep it around when you can just buy a spare leash or bar of wax?  Accommodations are something you must really think about when packing.  If you are going to stay in dormitory/hostel style lodging (the most affordable for the budget surf traveler, which the majority of us are) I would pack as light as possible.  These types of places usually cram as many beds into one room as possible leaving little room for bags.  The ability to lock up valuables is usually rare as well thus you usually have to always take your belongings with you every time you go out for the day.

That being said I am totally a fan of hostel traveling.  There is no better way to meet and experience people from all different cultures then to live in a multi person dorm for a few days or weeks.  I know when I was cruising around New Zealand I met tons of interesting people at the hostels I was passing through.  Its usually a fun time and for the solo traveler (the only way to go if you ask me) nothing makes socializing easier.  If you show up with an open mind there is no telling what might happen.  If your are crashing on couches for friends I would pack light as well.  No one likes when there house guest’s shit is all over their living room.

Medical supplies are always an important concern.  My rule of thumb has always been if there is something I need to have I bring it with me, especially prescription medication.  I dont care where you go if you forget prescription meds that you need to take it is going to be a head ache at best getting more.  I usually pack a small first aid kit with different size band aids, tweezers, scissors, gauze, medical tape, clear packing tape, crazy glue (put it in wounds to close them up), bedodine, neosporene, and lots of Ibuprofen.  If you are traveling third world it is a good idea to get your hands on some generic strong anti biotics like zythromax just in case you start feeling sick.  In these places some type of anti-diarrhetic is probably a good idea as well.  In countries with high risk of malaria, malaria tablets are a must.

The amount of time you plan on traveling must come into play at some point.  If I am traveling for less then two weeks I bring about four sets of clothes.  When I am traveling for months then I take into account the span of seasons and pack double the amount than I would for a short trip.  Finally if you are going to be surfing over shallow, sharp reef packing a set of reef booties may be a smart idea.  It sucks to have to sit out any time of a surf trip courtesy of reef gashes.  In places where surf gear is scarce things like wax, surf stickers, t-shirts, etc.  can be used as currency.  On a trip to Costa Rica a friend of mine traded two Volcom t’s for a kings ransom of free meals from this one restaurant cause the owner loved Volcom clothing and could not buy it there.

I hope some of this information will be useful.  I felt like a bit of a hippocrate writing this blog since the last surf trip I have been on was like two years ago.  These days the only traveling I do is to New Jersey to see my folks and have all sorts of terrible mishaps happen to me.  As Chicken said in “…lost Across America” “I only get to go on the cheap trips like to the liquor store” , a mantra that seems to hold true for me these days.  When I go up to Jalama or Malibu for the day its sort of a mini surf trip.  Dont cry for me though folks I surf amazing waves all the time and stay wet nearly everyday right here in my beloved Santa Barbara.  Maybe Im on a permanent surf trip of sorts?  One more thing dont forget a jumbo roll of duct tape.  The shit has so many versatile uses is crazy.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions....

I bet she would fit in your suit case.

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The Problem With Bureaucracies

Posted in Deep Thoughts, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , on March 20, 2011| 1 Comment »

A long time ago Mauriello requested this blog and it was a topic that I had a bit to say on, but at the time just could not find the words to voice my opinion.  Before I get into the blog I want to remind everyone that the UCB Winter Quarter is about to come to a close April 1st.  That being the case it is time for the double points blog to make its elusive appearance again.

 

As usual the double points UCB is in addition to the remaining two that are left in the quarter and will only be written if the topic is one I feel is double points worthy.  If you think about it if you were to win the last two blogs and score the UCB double points blog that would be four points and put you clearly in contention for the title.  Just thought I would throw out some food for thought.

 

A bureaucracy is defined as a system of administration based upon organization into small groups or bureaus, division of labor, a hierarchy of authority, etc designed to dispose of a large body of work in a routine manner.

Bureaucracies are pretty much the tiny subdivisions of organization that we have to deal with in our society on an everyday basis be it good or bad.  They are also the reason why certain things like legal proceedings, the DMV, even renting an apartment in some cases take forever and can be frustrating as hell.  Bureaucracies have rules, and lots of them it is the only way to make such as system work with out falling apart.

 

It is a in most cases “too many chiefs and not enough Indians situation”.   You see it all starts with a few little employees such as the DMV for example were there are “x” amount of customer service agents.  Each one of those agents report to a supervisor, who then imparts their findings to his supervisor, who then goes to his higher up and so and and so forth.  This is all fine and dandy for your everyday operations but when something out of the ordinary needs to be done even if it is the simplest of tasks it ends up taking forever.

 

I will use the transferring of my apartment from joint tenant-ship with my last roommate to adding my new roommate to my lease.  This should have been an easy seamless process considering I was still on the original lease but thanks to all of the rules of the bureaucracy of the rental agency became the biggest headache ever.  I had to get the place inspected, fill out new rental applications, pay rental application fees, sign waivers.  It became a mountain out of a mole hill process courtesy of a bureaucracy all because they have a protocol that must be followed for all procedures no mater what the situation.

 

The reason for this is because of the pure stupidity of 90% of the public.  Lets face most people are morons.   I see it everyday and it makes me sad.  For that reason bureaucracies exist.  To firstly keep the hopelessly stupid employed, in many cases all the way up the food chain thus you have the blind leading the blind, and it helps the retarded coup with living.  Basically it is a house of cards built by some very smart people, but run and managed by idiots.   It is for this reason that such institutions drive the intelligent crazy.

 

What shall we do in place of them?  If you take away bureaucracies then you would have complete totalitarianism.  I don’t really know what’s worse, one jack ass calling the shots or a whole collection of them lost in the woods.  For me it comes back to my age old dilemma: do we educate those who are willing to learn and excommunicate those who are unfit to help with the betterment of society or do we keep sailing on the sinking ship we know.  If we did this who would be the judge and what would be the criteria.  Unfortunately I don’t think I would still fit into it.  Face it we are all fucked, but who cares the world is going to end in a year any way.

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September: The Return of Groovin’ High!

Posted in Groovin' High, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2011| 4 Comments »

This week’s UCB makes a victor of Nick the Kook.  You know between Nick the Kook and Kooky Kyle it really begs one to reason what kinds of friends I keep, but since I bestowed those nick names on the two I guess it really points out what kind of asshole friend I am.  Anyway he said I ought to allow user submissions for the Groovin’ High section of this blog.  Well if everyone remembers back to the very beginning of surfingruinedmylife.net in August of 2010 (thats right only about six months ago), when I started Groovin’ High the whole point of it was for everyone to share different musical Ideas and tastes.

I said “feel free to post your own entries in the comments and what those songs mean to you, help me experience music I have never heard of” .  This is what I hoped would happen and in its early days I think about three people posted, Nick being one of them.  Everyday I get a stats report for SurfingRuinedMyLife.net and it gives me all sorts of helpful information about my blog and its readership, which pages are viewed, how many hits each page gets, overall hits, etc.  Well I noticed shortly after the first month of Groovin’ High that the page was not getting any hits at all, as of press time it has only received 118 hits since August 2010.

Now Im not bitching (ok maybe just a tad), just stating some facts. It is for this reason that now with my busier schedule Groovin’ High has sort of feel by the wayside.  Truthfully Im a little saddened by that.  SurfingRuinedMylife.net is a selfish monument to my own personal vanity.  That being said I have been accumulating more hits and readership daily.  For whatever reason be it amusement, mocking, entertainment, interest, pure cubicle boredom people like reading about my life.  Music is a major part of everyone’s life and the tunes they are jamming out to at a certain period of time can really reflect on their character and overall mood.  Right now I personally hate the direction hip/hop and R&B have taken and am listening to more old school stuff as one may have noticed from Groovin’ High.

Im not blaming anyone but myself for the failure of Groovin High.  I put it up as a side show and therefore updates to it are not recorded on the main home page.  A user actually has to click on the link to view the latest update.  To correct this problem I am from this blog foward going to turn the section into actual blogs and then post just the links on the Groovin’ high tab, similar to how Recipe D’Jour or The Coffee Table Saga is done.

Thanks to Nick the Kook I have been motivated to resuscitate this near dying segment I had considered pulling the plug with.  This will be the first entry of the newly revamped Groovin’ High segment.

September, Earth, Wind & Fire

This song is my personal jam.  Everyone has one I dont care who you are.  Even deaf people probably have something they rock out to even if is only as a result of felt vibrations for such music.   September is that song for me.  No matter where I am or what mood Im in when September comes on I cant help but breakdown into some completely retarded dance move.  Its a great song for sure but besides that just the title if you are a surfer on the east coast will make you happy.  September is a great month to be a surfer back east, warm water, light crowds and the bulk of hurricane swell action with the beginnings of Nor’Easter swell as well.

When this tune is played I never know what is going to happen from me breaking it down in the middle of the frozen food aisle in the supper market to getting kidnapped by some psycho bitch at the Wild Cat, anything is fair game.  One thing that will always remain constant when this song comes on is it will completely take over my soul for its duration.  It is very similiar to that Seinfeld episode, where Elaine’s boy friend would go into a trance every time the song Desperado would be played.  Thats a great episode and totally a must watch.

Here is a clip from the Seinfeld episode I referenced earlier.

Finally Nick the Kook made a Groovin’ High suggestion to go with this blog that helps reaffirm why I don’t deal in submissions except for in the comments section of a Groovin’ High blog.  Let me apologize for the abuse to your ears before hand.

http://themusicninja.net/newsongs/Charlie%20Sheen%20Spinstyles%20_Bi_Winning_%20Edit.mp3

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Finding Flaws

Posted in Anger, Deep Thoughts, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 5, 2011| 3 Comments »

This week’s UCB is taken by Brennan with the topic “What is your worst character flaw?”  Well like his, I would love it to be that “I was everyone’s unrealized dream”, but unfortunately I am more like most peoples unrealized nightmare.  Enough on that, we are not here to explore that aspect of who I am.  That can be saved for some other blog some other time.

My biggest character flaw, well actually there are two and I will cover both here.  Lets start with the most obvious, MY ANGER!!!!!!! Face the facts I am an angry person, very angry, borderline sociopath.  How I have made it this far not being institutionalized be it prison or asylum is beyond me.  I think my high level of intelligence is the only thing that has kept form spending the bulk of my days behind a wall of glass.

In all seriousness I have an anger problem.   Everyone who has spent more then 24 hours with me can attest to that.  Sometimes all it takes is twenty minutes depending on the situation.  There is an “anger” category to the right of this blog for surfingruinedmylife.net.  If you click on the link I think there are easily over a dozen blogs there on everything from getting into a street fight to ranting about using apostrophes.

I don’t really know why I am so angry.  I had a very privileged life.  My parents loved me and provided for me.  I had a few childhood pets.  Its not like I was some gangster from the hood who was constantly getting kicked back into the gutter.  All I can blame it on is years of malicious ridicule from imbeciles because I was and still am different from them and see things differently.

Im not just one of those angry people who bottle it all up inside eventually either having a breakdown or climbing up on the roof of their house with an AK-47 and taking out the neighbors.  I am one of those people who act out on every initial angry impulse I have.  I threw a desk at my 8th grade math teacher because he made a joke in class at my expense.  I can flare up rather easily.  Brennan the bearer of this internet literary feast (or lack there of) you are reading can attest to that.

It is true that in my old age I have calmed down tons.  When I was in my late teens early twenties I would chase down some one on the road and try to fight them for beeping their car horn at me, even if I was in the wrong.  Keep in mind at 5’9 and 150lbs soaking wet get my ass kicked in a fight situation more times then not.  Sure there are still moments of ridiculous road rage for proof on that read about the Caesar Chavez Incident in the blog “Flying off the Handle”.  There are plenty of surf line up altercations, but in my defense I rarely lash out first unless the other surfer is being a real bone head.  Shit, if a person is being a total jackass it is our responsibility as good citizens of the earth to put them down, vigilantly style especially where surfing is concerned.

I have been making the greatest efforts possible to control my anger and it is probably down to only about four to six outrageous blowups of rage a month.  I used have that amount happen in one day.  My goal is to one day only have that many disruptions a year (maybe before I die?  Then again with out my fits of rage this blog would be a bore. Damn catch 22).  My other Character flaw is that I live in a fantasy world, but then again that could also be my greatest character trait depending on whom you talk to. That being the case Im not about to get into it here.  Since Im still an angry person be sure to not be on the receiving end to my stick because if your smaller then me, like maybe a midget or a sickly child I will fuck you up!

Im so mad I cant even open my right eye.

The future accommodations to be provided for me courtesy of a fit of rage taken too far.

I dont know what this fucking thing is but I will wipe that stupid smile right off of its face.

Fuck you Gary Coleman I will kick your little ass.

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A Look Back East (UCB)

Posted in Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2011| 6 Comments »

Avon Pier looking wedgy

A few weeks back Kooky Kyle made a UCB request to write on what I missed most about the east coast.  To be honest at the time of his posting nothing major had really come to mind.  Of course the obvious friends and family came to mind, but that is a given.  Recently I have been reminded in a few select surf session of the East.

What do I miss the most?  Cape Hatteras, North Carolina is what I miss most about leaving the east coast.  I miss having it only a 12-hour drive away.  For me Hatteras was a quick and easy escape from reality.  All I would have to do is jump in the car and cruise down there and be able to surf a variety of beach break practically to myself some days.  One can always surf alone there.  The place has miles and miles of empty coastline some only accessible by four-wheel drive and others only by foot.

Sure the main spots draw a crowd but when its good it does not really matter cause the surf is so consistent.  Speaking on consistency there is pretty much a ride able wave at the lighthouse 365 days a year.  It may be small but there will be something to grovel.  If there is any kind of swell in the Atlantic Hatteras is sure to pick it up someplace and amplify it.  The barrier islands form a big semi circle allowing NE, E and SE exposures to be had, thus accommodating every swell and wind direction.

If you are keen offshore wind can almost always be found.  There is a legitimate left point break on the island.  It is one of the few places on the east coast you can easily get triple over head surf.  The surf can go from waist high in the morning to nearly triple overhead by the evening.  The place is nuts.

Man does it barrel.  I have scored some of the best surf sessions of my life down there just getting pitted off my ass.  Im talking so hallow you cant even do a turn.  Its no coincidence that OBX Local Brett Barely showed up at the pipe masters last year and was a serious contender.  There can be some serious tubes out there and I remember watching him and a couple of the boys at the lighthouse a few years back charging serious ten to twelve foot surf that was heavy as hell, super drifty and very few make able rides.  Those guys were just out there getting their asses handed to them and loving every minute of it.  Me I went to the point and had a fun session.

There are mysto sand bars that just happen over night and can be gone just as fast.  The first thing I do when I get into town is go hang around the Food Lion (only grocery store for 45 minutes) in Avon and just ease drop on any surfer looking type person and even fishermen.  Fishermen can tell you a lot about potential set ups cause most of these bars have deep water on either side of them or in front that fishermen froth for.  Usually in an hour or two I can find out where one of these are if such a miraculous thing exists.

I remember one year there was one all the way at the very end of Frisco just about at the end of the island.  It was an easy five mile hike to the place or accessible by 4×4.  I did not have one but luckily was picked up by a friend.  That sand bar literally was like lower trestles but a left.  It was easily peeling for 100 yards and as killable as a wave can be.  Another year I remember this bar set up for the last two days of my trip over in Avon at ramp 39 and it was like a mini pipeline.  Im talking spitting left and right tubes with solid hurricane swell feeding it.

Then there is “S-Turns”, maybe one of my favorite surf spots in the world.  I think it is in my top ten for sure.  I guess at one time or another when the island was wider right at the beginning of Rodanthe there was a forest that got washed away considering the island is barely thirty feet wide there now and floods all the time.  The stumps were all left behind and it created perfect sand banks thanks to all the roots and stumps holding in the sand.  Basically the place is eight or ten peaks of perfect a-frames that can either be a skate park or a barrel fest depending on the day.

Finally OBX is scattered with dilapidated fishing piers that all have their own distinguishing characteristics. Frisco pier is in my opinion the best, but I have scored Kitty Hawk pier, Rodanthe Pier, Duck Pier, Avon Pier and Nags Head Pier pretty damn epic as well.  Shit I got hooked six times by some red neck at Avon Pier and would have drowned if not for some fellow south Jersey guys and the help of the Geilselman family.

Bottom line the place is a surfers dream.  If it were not for the inclement winters I would have moved there instead of Santa Barbara.  Unfortunately even though it is the south the water still dips into the low forties and the air goes way worse then that.  The place is pretty pristine and will always stay that way thanks to being a National seashore.  All the towns are super small and have miles of undeveloped coastline between them of just huge rolling dunes, marshlands and open beach. Its beautiful out there and I recommend it a visit for everyone.  Although if you want the best surf/weather go between August thru November.

For me Cape Hatteras will always be a very special place.  I have had some great contest results, surfed excellent waves, met many of good friends, spent real quality time with old friends, partied like a rock star, lived in a tent, nearly blew myself up with fire works and always felt refreshed after a tenure there.  I hope to go back someday for a week or two one fall, but until then she will always be in my heart.  To my east coast friends and especially my Hatteras friends get a tube for me.

Here is a slide show of my favorite pictures from Hatteras from years past.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

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The Paradoxical Plight of the Eunuch Cat

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on February 19, 2011| 3 Comments »

This week’s UCB makes a victor of John Mauriello with a topic that I was not going to write until my boy JD on his recent visit out here this week also brought up the same subject.  What am I referring to?  “Do you think Alfie is pissed off that he can’t have sex”?  Believe it or not this topic comes up more times then not in my house when we are all sitting around shooting the shit.

If you don’t know who Alfie is by now then you’re either new to this blog or retarded.  So just in case you’re in the dark here at SurfingRuinedMyLife.net let me enlighten you.  Alfie is my all black cat, the remaining feline out of the two black cats I had shipped out here from New Jersey.  Turtle the other cat escaped from my home when I lived up near the Santa Barbara Mission never to return again.  Odds are he is probably living it up eating trash and the like, but I like to believe he got eaten by a coyote.

There were a good number of blogs on the great cat escape back in the Myspace.com days a year ago or so.  If you missed them they are some where in the depths of my myspace.com profile of which I believe there is a link to on the home page of the site you are now on.  It happened around November 2010 if you’re so inclined to go looking.  Good luck.  If you do find it copy and paste the entire blog into the comments of this blog and I will give you Two UCB points for this quarter!!!!!

So Alfie is now my remaining cat and is joined by his new partner in crime Mustafa (see Cat Calamity for more on who Mustafa is), whom consequently is also a eunuch.  Honestly do I think Alfie is pissed off he cant have sex?  My answer has to be absolutely not.  I don’t even think he has the slightest inclination towards sexual desires what so ever.  Alfie was neutered when he was only six weeks old or so.

Technically he never reached sexual maturity thus eliminating any desire to want sex.  Now this was just my belief, but since I was sure there was definitely scientific research on the subject I did a little investigating.   What I found is that 85% of all male cats neutered at a young age do not have sexual desires.  There is a small group that on occasion some of the testicle is left inside the cat and in which case that cat would then still develop sex hormones.  Alfie is not of the latter group.

I don’t believe that he is pissed off that he cannot have sex.  Alfie in my opinion is rather happy and content in the microenvironment I have created for him.  Besides Mustafa being a pain in his ass half of the time these days he has it as good as can be.  He gets three solid yummy cat meals a day, Ades throws him the occasional cat treat and when ever Im carving meat that I am going to cook he gets all of the fatty ends and scrap.  I would say as far as a cat’s life goes his is top notch.

Sex is the last thing on Alfie's mind

Speaking of Eunuchs here is a great clip from Mel Brook’s History of the World Part 1

What most likely became of Turtle 😦

This Lady may have eaten the Coyote afterward though.

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Those Carrying a Little Weight People

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 12, 2011| 14 Comments »

This weeks UCB (dont you love how we have completely moved UCB to Saturday this quarter) brings Kooky Kyle back to the winners circle with another one word submission “fat people”.  Fat people is both a controversial subject and yet a rather serious one as well.   It is definitely a topic not to be taken lightly, but surely inappropriate enough for this bl0g.

I used to hate fat people.  I just did not understand how they got that way in the first place.  No one is born fat, well I guess technically everyone is born with more proportional fat to bone ratio, but that is more for survival purposes.  I wasn’t.  I was born only weighing three and half pounds and was so small I was yellow.  Life was bullshit for me right out of the gates.  I should have been born dead.   That is another story for another blog.

From that very tiny baby sprung a tiny boy and to this day I am a small man only weighing in at just over 140 pounds.  So one can see how fat people have me dumbfounded.  I have never been fat.  I don’t even know if I have an ounce of fat on my body.   It is not because I do not eat.  On the contrary I eat a massive amount of food, probably enough for two people.  I just dont gain weight.

Im not about to get into fat people here cause I like I said I dont understand it and cant comprehend it.  If one has a tendency to get fat then there is an easy remedy to that problem: DO NOT EAT SO MUCH.  If you are in a Fat Bastard situation where “I eat because Im unhappy and unhappy because I eat”  go seek psychological help.  There are plenty of head doctors who can help with that problem.   If none of the above seem like something you are interested in then there are plenty of great plastic surgeons out there who will suck that shit right out of you for a healthy fee.   I heard if you fly to Thailand or India you can get liposuction for like half the price of the US.  If your a disgusting beached whale of a human there is help for you.

Enough on my thoughts on fat people.  I would like to tell a short tale about one of my earliest surf trips and an encounter with a jumbo sized human being that left me sick to my stomach.  When I was 19 I took a trip over to San Diego to go surf for a week or so.  I got to the plane on time and everything was going quite well. I always try to sit over the wings on an airplane for a couple of reasons.  Number one it is usually the exit row meaning lots of leg room and the possiblity of being a hero in the rare unfortunate occurrence of some happening that involves the immediate disembarkment of the airplane.  You got me.  I dont want to be a hero.  I just want to be the first off the plane in an emergency, sort of like George in that Sienfield where he pushed the grandma and little kids over and ran out the door at a party when a little fire broke out.

Im sitting there in my seat with my disc man on (no ipods back then kids) reading a surf mag waiting for the plane to take off when I see this huge behemoth a person come barreling down the aisle.   I though the plane’s landing gear was going to break this guy was so big.  He had to be at least 500 lbs. His folds of fat were hitting people in the head as he passed by their seats.  It was nauseating.

Who’s row did he stop at?  You guessed it, mine.  He looks at me and says thats my seat right there.  He was the middle and I was in the aisle and then there was some poor women in the window seat.  Fatty sits down and his blubber comes over both arms rests on each side of him completely enveloping them.  Some of which spilled onto my person.  There was so much fat his tee shirt of which material could have created an entire wardrobe for me could not conceal.  It was gross and slimy.  He had an odor of rotten eggs.  I wanted to kill myself.   I would have rather sat in the lavatory on the toilet the whole flight.

Then he hit the call button and requested a seat belt extension.  As it turns out he needed two to fit around his body.  I think he should have been forced to purchase his own row or plane for that matter.  Once we were in the air he pulled out a plate lunch of fried chicken, pizza and French fries and went to town. It was gross and I am getting the shivers up my spine just writing this.  By far it was the worst flying experience of my life, which by the way was another topic requested by Kooky.  Look at that two birds with one stone and only the points of one blog.

Pretty much about the size of the guy in my story.

"How did we get so fat" they ask? Well I would say the proof is in the pudding.

This has nothing to do with fat people but I came across it while looking for pictures of "hot female midgets" and got what you see here.

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Kelly & Me

Posted in Blast From the Past, Blast From the Past: 2008, Blast from the Past: 2009, Surfing, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2011| 2 Comments »

This weeks UCB makes a champion of John Mauriello asking a very apropos topic considering the theme of the last few blogs.  He asked I tell about the time Slater gave me one of the best waves I have ever gotten at Rincon and my in my life as well. I actually have two good Slater stories to tell both from the same time of year.  Truth be told both of these have been bloged about back in the myspace days but since it is near impossible for me to look up those archives thanks to Myspace.com’s terrible redesign I believe they may be lost forever.  I guess I will have a lot of retelling to do.

February 4 2008

It was my Birthday and my first winter at Rincon.  At the time I was sleeping on Cory’s couch and just sort of bumming around Santa Barbara.  I hated Rincon up until this faithful day.  Every time I went there I always got burned on the good ones and never seemed to pick the right ones.  This is a common novice complaint at Rincon.  To utilize the spot to its greatest potential one really needs to know where to sit and how to work the crowd.  Two entities that take plenty of time to figure it out.  Im still trying to get it wired.

Every time Cory and I would check Rincon I always bitched and moaned till we went some place else, usually Pitas, Little Con or Cstreet.  This day as we were passing by Rincon it was flawless 6-8ft with off shore winds and looked like a picture a day dreaming slacker would draw in his note book during math class.   Im talking waves as good as waves get.  The crowd looked heavy but the waves pretty consistent.  Against my will Cory forced us to surf it.

He jumped in at the cove as usual, while I went up to River Mouth.  As I was walking up there I noticed some one in a white wet suit directly in front of me.   People were taking pictures and videos.   It could be none other then Kelly Slater.  Him and I paddled out basically side by side through the river mouth and he snagged the first wave.  I had a couple of waves but nothing spectacular.

Then this solid eight footer swung wide and I was in perfect position.  I took off on the thing and it immediately walled up as it hit the sand bar and folded over.  I found myself standing straight up in a wide tube.  Im super deep but steadily making my way out as I went down into a pig dog for more speed.  As Im riding this thing in the barrel for an easy fifty yards people are screaming at me as they are paddling by.

Then right when I was about to come out I fell backwards but some how caught myself in a lay back thus running even deeper in the tube.  By the time I was mid way through this barrel section I looked out and saw Slater look in at me from the shoulder.  He hooted and threw a shaka my way.  Stoked I stood up and pumped out of the pit.  At that point I was at the top of the cove.  I hit the lip as I was passing by Cory who was all hoots.  I ended up call boxing that wave.  It was the first wave I ever call boxed at Rincon and it was on my birthday no less.

When I paddled out into the lineup Slater looked at me and said “that was a sick one”.  Im sure I blushed like an embarrassed little girl.

Mid Fed 2009

This is the story John was asking for.  Those of you who have been part of this blog from back in the Myspace.com days probably remember what a mess I was that year.  Sindia and I had just split up and I was for all extensive purposes partying way too hard subconsciously attempting to drink myself to death.  This session came about courtesy of my boy Brennan, whom with out his motivation would have never left the couch.  It was a Saturday afternoon in Mid-February and Im sure I went way too hard the night before thus sleeping in till well past one.

Brennan showed up around two-ish looking to surf.  I was just sitting down to breakfast at the frat house (it was not a real frat, but since nearly 12 guys ended up moving into my apartment it became an unofficial one).  At like 2:30 thirty we cruised to Rincon.  I did not even know if there was swell running or not I was so out of the loop.  Like I said back then I was a bit unfocused thanks to my mental and emotional state of affairs.

We walked down the trail and it was solid 6-8 ft Rincon super glassy and only about 100 guys out on the entire point.  All of a sudden I went from unmotivated to pure froth.  As I was running up to the river mouth I saw Slater snag one and just rip the shit out of it.  My first wave was a bomb up at low indicator.  This thing had to be solid ten foot if it was an inch.  I barely made the drop/bottom turn on my little 5’10.  When I came around the first section and into my reo some dude completely burned me.  I was moving and it was flawless Rincon so the sections were not too racy.

This dude and I ended up changing tracks a few times and just have a good old time for ourselves.  When the wave reached the cove, he pulled out, gave me a smile and I ripped the thing all the way to the highway falling off just forty yards from the call box because my legs were so tired.  After that wave I ran back up the point to do it again.

Upon paddling back out I saw Slater sitting up at low Indicator.  I sat next to him and made the usual surfer small talk as if he was no one special.  I most likely said something like its pretty fun out here and so on and so forth.  The stock standard surfer lineup bull.  This set came in and it was another group of solid ones.  We let the first one go and the second was just perfect lining up to be another epic ride.  Slater looks ate me and says do you want this one.  I was like really?   Then I turned and went for it.

That wave ended up being amazing.  I had something like two barrels on it and over twenty hits riding the wave from low Indicator all the way to double call box.  When Rincon is flawless it is more then possible to get rides that long.  To this day I think that was the best wave I have ever caught out there.  When I pulled off my wave l looked back and saw Slater finishing up on the one behind it.  I think I only had enough leg power left in me for a dozen or so more.

I ended up paying Slater’s kindness forward towards the very end of my session.  I was in perfect position for this eight footer in mid River Mouth.  As I was paddling for it I saw this chick having a look and I knew for a fact she had yet to get a good one.  Once I saw her paddling I gave her the nod and she got that wave all the way in.  I saw her out later that session and she was very appreciative and said it was most likely the best wave of her entire life.  You see what goes around comes around.  I can only hope that some day she returns the same kindness to some other frustrated surfer in need.

There is nothing like really good Rincon.

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When Enough is Enough

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Life, User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2011| 8 Comments »

Sit back and let an expert explain all...

This week’s UCB makes a victor of my boy Brennan whom I believe is claiming his first win ever here at SurfingRuinedMyLife.net, although he did win a few back in the Myspace.com days.  He proposed I write a blog about when one should pull the plug on an out of control drunken relationship, be it with a significant other or a close friend.  This topic is one that I definitely have authority over considering I personally have been on both sides of the coin, the out of control drunken friend and victim.

I use the word victim because it is what one becomes when he is on the receiving end of the drunk shenanigans.   About two years ago when I first moved here to Santa Barbara I was a bit of handful.  I went from going out a few times a week, getting buzzed and trying to pick up chicks to going out nearly every night of the week and getting black out drunk.  Most of the time when I get drunk I don’t get all that crazy (unless Im partying with one of my two friends: Tequila and Bacardi 151.  If they are involved then there is no telling what is going to happen) and usually if anyone is going to be victimized from my drinking it is myself.

I know at one point the bearer of this blog and my greatest wingman ever Brennan had just about had it with me.  He claimed by that point it was not fun for him anymore and that he felt more like a baby sitter then a friend when we were going out.  Also I was not a good wingman to him when I was so sloppy drunk I could barely stand straight and talk with out slurring my speech.  Ladies surprisingly don’t find that very attractive.

He approached me about it and at first I was really angry and did not go out with him for about a week.  Then I realized what a jackass I was and eventually came around.  In most circumstances that is the best way to handle the problem.  Before completely giving up on the person in jeopardy confront them and explain to that person just what is going on.  Some people don’t even realize that they are “that guy” until a close friend brings it to light.  I know I didn’t.  Ultimately if things stay the same I would then break off all contact and get off that sinking ship.

This leads me to two separate situations.  The first happened back in New Jersey circa 2002.  I used to go get drinks with some friends and this dude Mike (that wasn’t his real name, for his sake I have changed it to mike) who had just moved back to the shore from a couple of year stint in Oceanside California.  Mike was a great guy, good surfer and an all around fun friend.  When we went out for a party things changed really fast.

Now I have a pretty high tolerance for bullshit.  For starters my sense of adventure is a bit more warped then most.  My motto in most situations that would have regular folks running for the hills has always been “lets see how things play out”.  Truth be told I have been rather lucky that things never played out in the worst case scenario although bad.

Mike was the kind of guy who loved to do crazy drunken feats of strength, whether he was challenged or not.  When we first started drinking together he used to say things like “you think I am going to punch myself in the face?”  And then he would do it.  I found it rather amusing.  Then it steadily began to escalate.

Another time we were sitting at the bar having a good time, when all of a sudden he would be like “you think I will pour this pitcher of beer over my head” as he was pouring it over his head.  Then the bouncer would throw us out.  From there it was “hey I just ripped the urinal out of the bath room wall” or “lets throw this full beer bottle at that cop car over there”.  For me that was the final draw.  One of my fine lines is police interference.  I don’t like jail.  I spent a little time there once for being an idiot and it was enough to scare me straight.

That was it for Mike and I.  The other incident happened out here in Santa Barbara.  I met this 21 year old train wreck downtown about two years ago.  My first indication to stay away should have been our meet cute, which happened when the drunk bitch stumbled into me and fell flat on her face on State Street (an occurrence I would later find out happened way too often) a block from the Wild Cat.  Lets call her Emma for ease of story.  I found her rather amusing and the sex was good.

This crazy bitch got me into so many compromising situations it was not even funny though at times somewhat exciting.  She got into a bar fight with a group of my Jersey friends, had me jumped by her 19 year old brother and two of his friends downtown, had sex with a few of my other friends behind my back, caused a scene and a half in front of Tonic that had me slink off into the night and had me take two unnecessary kicks to the back in two unrelated incidents.  All of which happened while she was completely wasted and I literally had to carry her home on numerous occasions.  The only the thing she was not was a vomiter.   If she were that would have been the final straw right there.

Still that was not enough to turn me off.  The last incident that sent me packing went down at 3:30 in the morning. I found myself in the street in front of a crack house in Isla Vista, where she was trying to satisfy a coke binge inside. Meanwhile I got into a brawl with a coked up black dude, then ended up forfeiting what was left of my money to keep one of Emma’s friends from getting molested by a shady cab driver, finally saving the same girl from being raped by another random drug addict at which point I was ready to get out of there.

I went looking for Emma only to find her popping a handful of non descript pills to off set the coke as she put it. I walked into the room to retrieve her and get the fuck out of there upon this request she told me to go fuck myself as she was sitting spread eagle and all three guys in the room were looking at her exposed panties courtesy of her stained hocked up mini skirt.

I lost it, called her a drugged out whore and (not far from the mark) walked out of the house leaving her to get ganged rapped by the three guys there.  I had to walk the streets of IV till 4:30 am till I finally stumbled upon a friend who was able to give me a place to crash for the night and a ride home in the morning considering there was no more money left in my wallet and I left my plastic at home.  Condition three personal safety is another consideration.

So there you have it.  When is enough, enough?  You need to ask yourself three questions:

  1. Am I really having a good time: If the answer to this is yes at least fifty percent of the time Im still on board, but you can set your own parameters.
  2. Will hanging out with this person eventually have me ending up in prison: For me this is a deal breaker after the first close call.  The moment our relationship has me ducking in the bushes from the cops at 3am its over.
  3. Will this partnership lead to my life coming to a hault or me maimed, disfigured or dismembered: Like I said in the Emma example, personal safety.  Im ok with cuts and bruises, but when we are talking potential hospital stays or worse, well I don’t have the proper medical coverage to handle any of that.
  4. Bonus: Your mental health is another brief consideration.  For me this is never really a concern, but if you are a logically thinking person then you probably have a limit to how much bull your brain can take.  Then again your reading this pathetic excuse for a blog so your tolerance for bullshit must be quite high after all.

These are just some guidelines that I personally follow with the drunken insane.  So far they have kept me alive for over 15 years of heavy duty partying with some of the craziest drunks you will ever meet.  In my case I guess it takes one to know one.

I think this falls into the personal safety category and the jail one.

Is this enough? Your call.

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Getting Cheesy

Posted in User Choice BLog, tagged , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2011| 7 Comments »

The first UCB was taken by none other then the almighty Kooky Kyle (no real surprise there kids) with just a one word submission (see how easy it is to play), “Cheese”.  Now under most circumstances an idiotic non sequitur suggestion would be thrown out and Kooky a subject of my ridicule.  For whatever reason I have actually been thinking about cheese every since I read his stupid comment. Cheese has been sole preoccupation of all my freethinking time.  For his efforts or lack there of Kooky gets 1.5 points, the bonus .5 for scoring the first UCB blog of the quarter.

 

I love cheese I think its great.  Being Italian my favorite type of cheese is mozzarella.  I can eat that shit all day long.  Provolone is pretty tasty too.  If I had to list my top five cheeses in order it would go as follows:

  1. Mozzarella
  2. Provolone
  3. Ricotta
  4. Mascarpone
  5. Parmesan

 

I have to say Im not a huge fan of fancy cheeses.  I don’t care much for Brie although I can make a pretty tasty appetizer out of it with fruits and nuts that goes great with white wine.  Still I find Brie to taste like sour mush.  Soft cheese on a whole I don’t have much of a liking for.  I detest any type of cheese that comes out of a can or can be produced in powdered form (with the exception of parmesan cause that is how it grates).

 

Gouda is decent I find it goes good with red wine and crackers.  Cheddar cheese is essential to most Mexican dishes and with out its presence nachos would not exist and I love nachos.   Monterey Jack cheese works well when trying to spice up most sandwiches.

 

Quite frankly I find the word cheese rather entertaining to say.  It is just a really funny word.  Cheese, CHEESE, CHEESE!!!!!  You see, say that three times stressing it a little more each time and tell me you don’t fall out of your chair laughing.  I do, almost pissed myself eight times while writing this stupid blog.

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